February 2010

In a safe place

February 28, 2010

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” –Cesare Pavese I had some time alone at home and was spending it catching up. I hurried through Miles’ room with an empty laundry basket bumping my leg as I walked. I bent to throw the dirty clothes from the floor to the basket and was hit with his smell like a bump to the head. It stunned me with its goodness and I was surprised to miss him even though he’d just left. I was there with his smell, one that’s all boy and just this boy, my boy, all heavy with earth and fresh air and his hair. Oh, that hair that grows to a thick and careless mop and then transforms to a short faux hawk per his request because it looks cool, he says. Either way is fine with me, I think, as long as it keeps its smell. And then […]

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7 Quick-ish Takes

February 26, 2010

1. True confession: I haven’t been watching the Olympics OR American Idol and I rarely have time to read blogs and rarely comment these days. I know, what kind of American am I? (The blogging part doesn’t have anything to do with being American, I just threw that in because I’ve been wanting to explain my absence to my blog friends because that’s what bloggers do. We feel guilty if we once read and commented like mad and then don’t for a while and we have to explain it because we fear that people might start writing us off or something that’s mostly irrational.) (Ahem.) (I’m getting over it.) (Promise.) Let’s just say there’s been much going on in my life and my head and heart. (Oh look, I’m explaining.) (I can’t stop.) (It’s just that I have such faithful readers and I appreciate you all so much and I don’t like it […]

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The Wait Staff

February 24, 2010

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,so as to have the life that is waiting for us. E. M. Forster ~~~~~~~~~~ Watcha guys doin’? Just waitin’ for Daddy… It sure can be hard to wait. So you might as well come up with something to do. And have a little fun while you’re at it. Brothers are good for that. Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. Sarah Ban Breathnach Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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The stone

February 22, 2010

I was thinking about everything, the fact that I found myself in the vice grip of alcoholism, and the fact that quitting is good and hard at the same time. I was thinking about remorse and regret and redemption.  It is all so big. And then I just set it down. All the thinking, like a stone I’d been lugging around.   kerplunk. There is no figuring it all out in one day, I said to me.  So I played myself a song and I sat with it. Just sat with it. The next thing I knew my arms were above my head and I was dancing a bad 80’s dance right here all by myself, stomping and even spinning. I shook it and I sang louder and louder and I didn’t care about anything. It wasn’t until the song was done that I thought even one insecure thought like, This must look […]

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You can end up liking pretty much anyone,if you set aside your self-righteousness for a bit. I said that (or rather, I typed it) on Twitter the other day. Usually I tweet riveting stuff like I want tacos, so it felt a little strange to randomly say such a thing. I wasn’t trying to be profound or intense or philosophical or anything. Or maybe I was, but I didn’t think it would be taken that way. And then it was. It was re-tweeted over and over and I was a bit stunned. Little did anyone who read that tweet know that I said it because of Rachael Ray. It’s not that I dislike her, I obviously don’t know her personally, but I was disliking watching her that day. I was home alone, eating lunch, and I turned the TV on and there she was, constantly sticking her tongue out of the side of […]

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Yeah, um…just ignore the peeking and the food… And the peeking and the food. These boys, they have my heart. And Miles has Olivia’s.Check it… Olivia spent her time in Sunday school making thispuffy heart creation for my boy.I adore her. You remember Olivia, right? The daughter of one of my best friends? Seriously. Also, I’ve been interviewed. You can click on the picture below to check that out.My answers are riveting, so you probably shouldn’t miss it. Thank you, Joanne! Peace. This post is a part of You Capture at I Should Be Folding Laundry Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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Happy Birthday

February 17, 2010

There is something that happenswhen people come togetherfor the same reason,to speak over something until they arewalking over it instead of under it. Nothing gives methat skin raising feelinglike taking back the power,together. So go with me, to Violence Unsilencedand celebrate one yearof truths toldand voicesunleashed. Of redemption and braveryand the telling and the hearing,all in one safe place.where people have taken their dayto stand over it,Unsilenced. —— Really, you aren’t going to want to miss this VU anniversary video. I mean, Maggie does the best little head-bobbing dance at the beginning. You don’t want to miss that, now do you? COMMENTS ARE CLOSED ON THIS POST. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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Stories

February 16, 2010

At a time when my life isless about mebut more about meblogging can be confusing. The egobad selfish The healinggood selfish The bloggingbothif I’m not careful. For now I think I’m doing alright.I’m not sitting here thinking that people who read my blog are dying to know what I’m doinghow I amtheir world revolving around my every word. I’m not. I just love to writeand my journey into recovery is theinevitable story I have to tellnow. But not the only story. Sometimes my stories are just aboutfur and feet… I’ve been looking closely at these little feet, They are Asher’s feetand they are long with many linesjust like mine. And then down here,that’s Tia in the sun.She drives me crazybut I still love herand she photographs well, And as I look over that picture I rememberhow Tia is largely the reason I quit drinking that nightbut that’s yet another story about addiction and […]

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I want to stop erasing

February 12, 2010

Ellie said something recently about addiction and motherhood that I’d like to share because it helped me so much:“I look at it this way, now: I didn’t know how to love that fiercely. It made me so afraid … afraid I would screw it up, afraid something would happen to them, afraid I could never measure up enough for these two beautiful souls. And for so long, what did I do when I was afraid? I drank. So I was hiding from the fear. I heard, over and over, when I was first getting sober: How could you do that? Don’t you love your kids enough to NOT do that? The answer was that I loved them so much I didn’t know what to do. I thought, perversely, I was doing them a favor by erasing myself from the picture a little at a time. Only in sobriety can I accept myself and […]

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This week’s You Capture assignment was Work. I do so much work, there are just simply an endless amount of pictures to choose from-me scrubbing the kitchen floor, me shoveling the driveway, me lugging laundry baskets…but I think I’ll go with this one, for Beth… OK fine. I don’t actually have any pictures of that other stuff. Now back to the weird picture… First of all, it is a whole lot of work getting your mouth puckered like that. Just enough to look very serious about cleaning the bathroom, which is what I was about to do. (Which is the epitome of work, is it not? The bathroom? Gross.) Also, it’s kind of a work of art, getting the pucker to create jowls like that. (I even edited some of the jowl/wrinkles, no lie.) Let me guess what your questions are. Heather, how do we know you were working in this picture? Why […]

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Shining Stones

February 9, 2010

I’ve been doing a handful of things I haven’t done in a long time since I quit drinking. Like thinking straight after 8pm. (I know, hilarious.) I’ve been doing jigsaw puzzles, as nerdy as that may sound, they help me think about shapes and colors and how things fit together rather than how they don’t. They keep me from ruminating on the fact that all of this is happening, that it happened. Instead of hiding in another room, apart from my husband (like I would before so he wouldn’t know how much I was drinking), we work on the puzzle together or continue our Friday Night Lights marathon. (The best show on TV if you ask me. No, it is not just about football, it’s about community and relationships and mistakes and redemption. You should totally get it on Netflix or watch it online and get addicted…er I mean, into it.) The rough […]

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5 Gifts

February 8, 2010

“Sometimes grace works like water wings when you feel you are sinking.” – Anne Lamott Reflection Support Wisdom Surrender Humor “It’s incredibly touching when someone who seems so hopeless finds a few inches of light to stand in and makes everything work as well as possible. All of us lurch and fall, sit in the dirt, are helped to our feet, keep moving, feel like idiots, lose our balance, gain it, help others get back on their feet, and keep going… These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, and that I danced.” – from Grace(Eventually) by Anne Lamott Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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Faces

February 4, 2010

He is feistyand he’s thoughtfuland he’s stubbornand he’s my helperand he laughs at my jokes andI laugh at his He’s my big boywho just had tiny newborn feet ten minutes agoit seems… he’s my Milesand I’m crazy about him. He even loves my storiesabout a little boy named Jileswho lovespicklesand turns greenand grows wingsand flies over the backyard fence… He’s got many facesand I’m the one whogets to see them,really see them. ~~~~~~~ Let’s not forget this face,my Asher Seriously. ~~~~~~~ This post is a part of You Capture~Faces, at I Should Be Folding LaundryThank you, Beth. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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I was thinking about me and the way I’ve been livingand I was struck with this awful thought. Motherhood did not change me for the better. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe motherhoodand it’s repetitive sameness and overwhelming emotionssent me spinning and I choseto cope with that in damaging ways… That may be the hard truthbut there’s another one,a truth in the moments I have been clinging to all along. No. Motherhood didn’t change mein the ways that I hoped it would, but… my boys sure are. They are my teachers of joy and kindness,my little mentors on how to love. And that, is what I’m going to choose to think about.These beautiful boys are changing me with who they are,even when motherhood is not and until it does. ~~~~~~~ Mothers are coping everywhere and not talking about it. What I wrote above is not implying that my boys are the reason I drank, but […]

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Courage me

February 1, 2010

Courage me. I say that like I’m at the bar, beer me! What is it, this courage? Maybe if it’s been given to me, I should know. But I don’t. Am I called courageous because I quit drinking? Let me be honest. I don’t feel very courageous. I feel foreign, like I’m learning the customs of a new culture. I’m swinging up here in the corner of the room, watching myself walk around in a fog, not drinking. I said that in an email to someone still stuck in her web of addiction and feeling so ashamed in comparison to those of us who have quit. I told her that I’ve only gotten as far from the middle as to dangle from my corner perch, watching myself, this strange person who can’t figure out how to be. That’s where I am, just hanging there like a spider needing her prey, wanting it, poised […]

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