Good intentions

May 24, 2010


For those of us who try to keep remembering,
Try to do our better than our best.
Think of all the children in the drifts of snow.
Winners never quit, but winters never rest…
No, this is not a test. Taking numbers never made any sense.
Cause you can have it if you want it, anyways.
~She & Him {This is not a Test}

~~~~~~~~~~

I’m going to stop doing that. Today I’m not going to do that.

I’m going to start doing that. Today I’m going to start doing that.

I remember when I used to do that.
One day, I’ll start doing that again
or I’ll never do that again.

Doing.

I put so much weight on what I’m doing and not doing.
I carry so much weight, thinking about what I’m doing and not doing.
Right
Wrong
Too much
Not enough

It is good to strive to do the right things and not do the wrong things
and it’s defeating to strive to do the right things and not the wrong things

That’s it
the motivation
where does it come from?
fear, guilt and insecurity?
Well then, I’ll fail every time
because I’m looking at me so much that
I’m inward and self-deprecating and then
self-centered
and that makes everything all wrong
and not right.

So what if
I’m doing
all that I’m doing,
right or wrong
oh yes, even wrong
Because I’m loved?
Good enough
doing enough
Enough
Just like I am right now
so flawed and just fine at the same time.

Grace.

It’s the same way that I love my boys
no matter what they’re doing or not doing.
yes, it’s like that
and then they see love and feel love and live out of confidence
not out of a chased feeling of fear
or a drudgery forced by a wagging finger

Freedom
comes
and I do the right thing because I’m alright
and I don’t do so much wrong because I’m not all wrong
like I thought I was
when I look at Grace
the Grace that’s outside of me
that turns inside me

If I see love
and my goodness
even in my wrongs
I slowly change
and I’ll never get it all right
and that’s alright
because the wrongs will slip away
if they’re in the light of love
and forgiveness and acceptance,
because this grace is just that
a magnet for good
and while I’m walking
magnetized
I leave behind wrong
accidentally

There I’ll go
and while I’m here
I will always have
both
because that’s just life
and grace is not fair
it covers everything
even the things that I can never start doing
or stop doing
because of my humanity
my accepted humanity
of good intentions.

~~~~~~~~~~

And I’ll lay down this bottle of wine, if you please be kind to me.

My intentions they were pure
Oh the breeze did whip and I lost my grip
And I tumbled towards the earth
Where you never would guess who it was that stood below
And His name I would never tell
But His eyes were clear
And His arms were strong
And He caught me as I fell
~Ray LaMontagne {Hanna}

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

alita May 24, 2010 at 9:02 am

That's it
the motivation
where does it come from?
fear, guilt and insecurity?
Well then, I'll fail every time
because I'm looking at me so much that
I'm inward and self-deprecating and then
self-centered
and that makes everything all wrong
and not right.

I feel this, too. The inward selfishness, but then we have to be us first. TOO long I was what others wanted. ME first, then I can make my family as happy as they NEED to be, but I can't give them everything.

Oh and the last line of the poem

"And He caught me as I fell" had my breath caught in my throat for a minute. Or it felt like a whole minute that I couldn't even breath because He caught me as I fell, too.

FANTASTIC POST (as usual)

Reply

~beautyandjoy~ May 24, 2010 at 9:05 am

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I hope this new year is full of grace and freedom and being caught in spectacularly beautiful ways….

Reply

Doreen McGettigan May 24, 2010 at 9:24 am

I love your words! I am visiting from Mrs. 4444's contest. I am a writer, I wrote a book and it is coming out soon..exciting right? Well actually quite bittersweet.
I hope when you have a chance you will stop by and say hello!

Reply

Heidi Ashworth May 24, 2010 at 9:51 am

I think the obsession with doing is a pretty common one. It helps to just try to "be". Just be Heather.

Reply

angie May 24, 2010 at 10:49 am

I don't even know what to say except this is beautiful. Introspective. Insightful. Real. Bravo.

Reply

amommymous May 24, 2010 at 10:52 am

Thank you for reminding me about grace today. It's amazing that Someone paid the ultimate price so that we could be COVERED in grace. Yet it's our own selves that sometimes keeps ourselves from experiencing it and letting ourselves feel it washing over us every step of the way.

Reply

CaJoh May 24, 2010 at 11:10 am

I believe there is a difference between "doing" and "being". So often the act of just being with someone is much more powerful than any words or actions can convey.

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Ashleigh (Heart and Home) May 24, 2010 at 11:43 am

I think my heart lines up with yours this week… looking for that Grace… knowing it's there, but needing to accept it.

Have I told you lately how much I love your heart?

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Anonymous May 24, 2010 at 11:44 am

I was trying to explain these exact feelings and thoughts about myself to my husband last night and he just wasn't getting it. I really can't believe the timing of this wonderful post.
Grace is good.
Thank you, thank you!
Jen

Reply

becca May 24, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Love this part:
I'll never get it all right
and that's alright

It's an act of grace just to accept that, and realize it for yourself and everyone else.

Reply

Annette May 24, 2010 at 3:29 pm

So what if
I'm doing
all that I'm doing,
right or wrong
oh yes, even wrong
Because I'm loved?
Good enough
doing enough
Enough
JUST LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW
SO FLAWED AND JUST FINE AT THE
SAME TIME

I keep reading THIS over and over and over…. I wonder if these lines point to that often sought after but more oft rejected notion of 'contentment'. I mean if I get to keep my flaws (cuz I really am quite fond of some of them)and I don't have to feel guilty and apologetic for them then 'contentment' doesn't sound quite so boring…

Not sure where I'm going–my mind is doing flips, turns and cartwheels as it tries to digest this.

Thanks for the mental stimulation–we should start a club…
Annette

Reply

Aging Mommy May 24, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I just read all the comments made so far and clearly you have set many minds thinking as you have also done mine. You know, time and again lately I keep coming back to the fact that we really can learn so much from watching our children. As you mention, they don't doubt themselves and the feelings of those around them without evidence to the contrary. Life is simpler for them. So yes, I think we do over complicate our lives and I am trying to do as my daughter does, to love, laugh, enjoy and just be more easily, within myself and with others.

Great post. More discussion needed!

Reply

Kimberly May 24, 2010 at 9:26 pm

The poet in you speaks to the poet in me. The beauty of your thoughts is a beacon.

Reply

warmchocmilk May 24, 2010 at 10:56 pm

I hope one day I'll really feel this.. live it. That's it alrgiht that it's not all right. I'm stuck there (here). I'm stuck.

Reply

Kazzy May 25, 2010 at 1:07 am

That introspection and reflection will take you a long way toward where you are headed.

Reply

Laurel May 31, 2010 at 4:58 pm

i'm totally late to the party. i think i've heard of your blog but have never read. (i was at the cbc)

i just added you to my google reader and i can't wait to read more.

YOU, my dear, are a great writer. i am certain you already know that but…

thanks for being one more sound voice in a sometimes unsound world.

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