January 2011

I got home from Nashville last night wiped out and ready-ready-ready to sit with my boys. We read books and talked about the last few days and we watched some sort of superhero dog movie. We were so happy to see each other, and I swear to you, they aged a year while I was gone. Thicker and longer and deeper and wiser. It’s insane. Later, after the boys were in bed, Ryan said, I still don’t know how you guys did that. He was referring to a story I told him the night before. I said that what we had done makes perfect sense to me–that Katherine and Ellie and I would have such a day with such an ending on our final day together in Nashville. I mean, we attended a conference with approximately 600-something other women, and as much fun as that is, it’s also exhausting. It does things to […]

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back and forth

January 25, 2011

Sometimes I have these epiphany moments that aren’t even really epiphanies but I don’t know what to call them. Then later, when I try to tell someone or think through my “aha moment” again, it just falls flat and I’m all, well that’s really nothing new. But sometimes the epiphanies that are set on repeat, the ones that come over and over again because I have to learn them over and over again? The ones that seem so simple and plain a little while later?They’re like an old hymn or a favorite movie I’ve seen a hundred times, the way that parts just grab a hold of me and feel new. Maybe because I forget so easily, but my heart remembers and so it sends a ping! to my head. Yesterday I was thinking about how strange it is that I knew anything at all Before (Before motherhood or marriage or sobriety), but […]

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{petal pusher pin} I’m a fan of The Pleated Poppy, so when its lovely shop owner Lindsey contacted me to see if she could give one of you something great, I was totally on board. You know how I love spreading the word about handmade goodness. That was in September. (ahem)I follow through on my word, but sometimes I’m very very slow about it. Just so you know.{Thankfully, Lindsey is very forgiving.} ::::: But here we are, it’s finally time…so please feast your eyes on the beauty that comes from The Pleated Poppy shop: {covered notebook}{petal pusher pin} there are hair clips… and zippered pouches…and pins…and headbands…and even petal drop necklaces…There are even MORE categories of items than what I’ve shown you here, of course, over at The Pleated Poppy Shop, so please head on over and feast your eyes on the pretty things. Lastly,my personal favorite… {The scarves are actually sold out […]

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one year

January 20, 2011

I’ll feel a little bump or rumble or slipping and sliding, something low on my belly and then I’ll reach there and wonder, was that you? who are you? maybe it was the buffalo wings… but I think maybe it was you. Before long you’ll be unmistakable. You’ll thud and thunder, roll and push. And I’ll know it’s you and I’ll start to know some things about you, just by the ways that you move in me. ::::: I can say that about me too, one year later.I’ll ask myself, was that you? who are you? Because all these months I’ve only been just a start, just a small thud, slipping and sliding, finding my way to growing my heart and mind and discovering what they were made to know and be.Not just being a bundle of a thousand mysterious things that are only there for the trying to be somebody else. Before […]

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open

January 19, 2011

empathy, sympathy, compassion a passion for helping and then… empathy and sympathy and compassion fatigue. There’s just too much. But we can’t stop talking about it and we can’t close ourselves off from it because if we do, we’re doing nothing and everyone loses. I don’t know how it happened, but some years back I became quite passionate about the human trafficking crisis, especially the sex trafficking of children, of orphans. Around that time, through the music and message of Sara Groves, I came to know International Justice Mission. Ryan and I then became Freedom Partners, financially supporting IJM’s work to end slavery, trafficking and other injustices. But that sponsorship and the support of two children through Compassion International is all our family is doing. We allow a small donation to be removed from our account one time a month and that’s it…we call it good enough, and it’s not. What happens? What […]

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Next week in Nashville, I’ll be speaking at the Blissdom ’11 Conference with friends Arianne and Cecily about writing and fighting the internal voices that try to hold us back. Taken from the Blissdom website, the description of our session~ Merciless Beauty and the Critical Beast: “Your story is bold. Your perspective is courageous and true. You sit down to write mercilessly, vulnerably, and then you hear them: an invisible army of critics in your head. Before you even hit publish, you begin to anticipate the feedback from your outspoken audience. And so you pull back and self-censor. Or do you? How much do you edit yourself before your strong voice becomes watered down by the focus-group tendencies of social media audiences? How can we confidently respect the integrity of our stories while being mindful of our readers? Learn to write with unadulterated beauty while nailing down elusive terms such as “voice” and […]

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16.5 weeks

January 16, 2011

Now. Can you imagine what that belly is going to look like at 30 weeks? 35?I can tell you. It’s going to look full. And it’s probably going to cover two more rows of tiles on the wall. And then I’ll have a baby. We will have a baby. That’s cool. It will be a boy baby or a girl baby, we don’t know yet. But I’ll tell you on February 1st. Word. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]

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He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]

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He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]

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He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]

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On the way home from the hospital yesterday, Asher got the deliriously tired giggles. Things became a bit hysterical because his laugh is contagious and we were all laughing at nothing and something and then nothing again. It was good. Asher’s MRI looked really good, which (of course) is VERY good news. The issue is most likely that his shunt is working too well. It’s tricky to explain but brain valves like Asher’s can have high pressure or low pressure. He seems to be having some low pressure issues. So the spinal fluid is draining out too fast, basically, which makes his head hurt and gives him a belly ache (since the fluid drains through tubing to his tummy). So. There was a change made to what number his shunt is set on (they can do this from the outside, magnetically) (wow). Now we wait to see if he feels better within a […]

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a noggin is a tricky thing

January 11, 2011

Please bear with me while I pretend I know how to make a blog header and then that I know how to make it fit and then that I know how to make it not blurry. I don’t know how to do any of these things, but I was pretending. Now I’m getting help from a friend, so we are “under construction.” ~~~~~ I mostly did this header thing because I thought it would be a creative way to distract myself. Because for the past week or so Asher has been complaining of headaches and has some other possible symptoms of a shunt malfunction. We’ve been communicating with his team at the hospital and watching him closely. We have an appointment for an MRI today, so we’ll be traveling a couple of hours and then continuing to hope for the best. Yesterday when he woke up Asher announced, my brain is making me […]

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again and again

January 8, 2011

Everything keeps coming out wrong. I try to write what this week held and I just can’t. I feel that way about going downstairs to change the laundry, too. I think of doing it and then I just can’t. I walk to the bed and lie down instead, like it’s the only option in the world. That’s what I do sometimes. I suppose it’s pregnancy hormones or the winter blues. It just feels extra cold and dark in every way lately and then when hard things happen, they feel extra hard. My thoughts get too heavy behind my eyes and then I just can’t pick up the book or the phone or write it out or play slap jack again. Or go downstairs for the laundry. Something strange is happening though, because I don’t feel like a horrible person or even a horrible mother over it. This is new. Usually I’m very very […]

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thought to self

January 5, 2011

Something keeps running through my head. It just up and popped in there one day and now I’m trying to cling to it. Because it’s not the big stuff that I have a tendency to sweat. I’m a survivor of many big things, just like most humans…so I have practice at persevering through pain and carrying on. But I’ve also had a lot of practice with the daily grindand yet it still really gets to me so much of the time.I mean, the thing about the daily grind is that it really won’t ever end.I’m selfish enough to dislike that. stupid kitchen floor always dirty stupid where’s the broom ughworry worry worry (enter big thoughts) why why why are the Legos all over the floor again seriously?It’s 5 freaking 45 what in the world is this child doing UP?worry worry worry (enter more big thoughts)oh I get so sick of meals. Three a […]

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Yesterday we decided to be done with Asher’s pacifier. say it ain’t so! (Actually, Ryan decided and I begrudgingly tried hard to see why this made sense on this particular day because yeah, I’m quite easy-going about such things, I’ll admit it–I don’t get all uptight about what the books or other people say about pacifiers.) (And yes, Asher is 3 and a half and still slept with a plastic thing in his mouth.) (Don’t judge.) So last night was the big night, if only on a whim, and so we prepared ourselves for a fight. We prepared ourselves to get up a lot. We tried to prepare Asher by talking about it throughout the evening, before bedtime. He argued a whiny attempt at changing our minds incessantly for the last ten minutes before bed, his enormous blue eyes looking up at us, begging. So we tried bargaining and praising and convincing, etc…infinity… […]

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My favorite photos are the ones that capture exactly who they are… Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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