February 2011

monday laser surgery

February 28, 2011

a pudgy little hand and a little chocolate around the corners of his mouth.something spilled on his sweatshirt.long eyelashes.chubby cheeks. An IPod and head phones…who knew. ::::: This morning he took a little Lego light saber and pretended to laser off the age spots on my hands. Isn’t that thoughtful? He would say, “This will hurt just a little bit…zzzz…zzzzt.” I was almost convinced it was working so I sat very still.This is a good start to a (finally) sunny day. Happy Monday, friends. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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Friday’s train

February 25, 2011

I took this picture with an app on my phone, so I realize it’s hard to see, but hopefully you can tell it’s a little acorn hat. Right now it’s sitting up on a vase on our fireplace mantel, waiting to slide over a new little noggin in June. Speaking of the fireplace, sometimes I think we’re going to need to use it forever. We just got almost twenty inches of snow recently and another bunch is expected soon. I tweeted that the snow was starting to feel like a straight jacket. And so is the cold. We had friends over last night and they liked the fireplace. They asked if we had recorded the news show about me and alcoholism and our family. I didn’t know, but Ryan had it saved on our saving thing-a-ma-jig so we watched it with them and my whole body vibrated like I was nervous. I just […]

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on having it all

February 23, 2011

I’ve been a SAHM for about five years. Now I have childcare a few days a week for a few hours and during that time I leave the house, my children in good hands, and I work. But when people ask what I do, I don’t really know how to answer. I wish we could all just say “I work” and leave it at that. Yeah, all of us, mothers or not, gainfully employed or not, because life is work. I wish that a work title wasn’t just another way for people to gauge each other’s worth because we’re all worth the same whether that makes some of us uncomfortable or not. So anyway. I’m working on things, a number of things, writing and editing and creating things. The thing is, only one of these gigs pays me (currently)…and only a little. So all this work can feel less valid, I mean, if […]

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despite

February 20, 2011

Back when I quit drinking, I gave Miles an explanation I thought he could understand. Then I was a bit astounded at his ability to understand. (I give him all the credit.) This morning Ryan looked at his phone and saw it was the 20th. For us, the 20th always sticks out, a number that shouts SOBRIETY! So he said some congratulatory things to me from the other room, calling them out. Miles figured out what his daddy was referring to and came to me, stood next to me and asked, “Does that mean you had another month of not drinking wine?” “Yes, that’s right, honey.” He beamed and bounced a little bit, gave me a quick little side squeeze and ran off to play. ::::: When I think back on the days when Asher was brand new and Miles was so much smaller, it always stings my heart. It was a hard […]

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past halfway

February 17, 2011

21 weeks We are past halfway to meeting her.Pregnancy, for me anyway, is one of those things that goesboth too fast and too slow,mixing itself up to be just the right amount of time. I think back to seeing that faint line on the test, way back in Octoberand it was yesterday and soooo long ago. Before we know it, she’ll be here and we’ll be looking at her likeshe was always hereand that seems really far away,before we know it. It’s just the right amount of fast and slow and thenthere will be this soft and holy HELLO. She kicked right below my belly button right when I typed that. She did. Or maybe it was a hello punch. I’m not sure, of course. But it was just right. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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one way or the other

February 14, 2011

{those of you who have been around awhile will recognize this post. It was originally posted on 9.23.09 and came to be known as The Dust Bunny post. I share it again today because it’s Valentine’s Day and so I’m reminded that love is best when the darkest places are uncovered.} There are dust bunnies. So many. They are under the bed and in me, scurrying across the wooden floors of my home and my heart. They are moving much too fast through the empty, bumping into toys and crayons and dried up play-doh, then coming to a weary stop. It seems no matter how we try to keep up with them, they are winning. So we sweep up only the ones that are out in the open and then we leave the house, coming and going with the living of everyday life. We could hold them out in the palms of our […]

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she

February 13, 2011

Her profile is so much like her oldest brother’s profile. I wonder if she’ll be more like him, or more like Asher? Or just plain different than all of us? For now all we know is that her profile is a lot like her oldest brother’s profile, a boy who will turn six the week after she is born. Ryan and I walked through aisles yesterday and we talked about six years ago. We carried that registering-for-baby-things-gun that beeps. (Yes, we created a registry for a third baby. We did. For moms and grandmas to know what we need, since we did that thing where we got rid of everything somewhere between colic and hydrocephalus…or maybe that was after…whenever it was it was obviously too soon, but we thought we knew we were done. Stress will do that to you…until time passes…I think I’m rambling like this because registering feels greedy even if […]

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shake the dust

February 10, 2011

Thank you, Deb. I’m so grateful you shared this on your blog, and now I can’t stop myself from sharing it on mine. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just need a reminder that we’re all the same and that beauty comes after pain and that struggle is universal and so is grace. So yeah. I’m so moved by the above performance, I’ve watched it three times in one hour. Peace, friends. deb writes at Talk at the Table. Her words are gifts. Her gifts are words. I highly recommend her to your eyes and your mind and your heart. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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voices

February 9, 2011

I am here alone in a place with Internet access and food, trying to clean up my inbox and clear my head. But their conversation is turning my limbs light and my stomach in circles. They are men, with gray hair and pot bellies and low grumbling laughs, at the next table. They are reminiscing about the good old days, the “good old days” with women. Heat is rising in my cheeks and my heart is beating faster and everything in me wants to strangle, to rail, to fight, to scream…to get them to stop, to get them to see. Here you sit with all these years to know…and you still don’t know. They are talking so loudly…with so much pride, it sounds like bravado, and I feel sick. :::::Last night I was randomly struck with a thought, right before bed. I called out for Ryan, to come from the other room and […]

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focus

February 8, 2011

“Our lives are a collection of STORIES, truths about who we are, what we believe, what we come from, how we struggle and how we are strong. When we can let go of what people think, and OWN our story, we gain access to our worthiness-the feeling that we are ENOUGH just as we are, and that we are worthy of LOVE and BELONGING.” – Brene Brown I was trying to take pictures of them, Daddy and Asher, walking through the snow. But the screen was getting all caught up in the focus and I just didn’t know how to make it stop doing that. I ended up liking the photos anyway. This made me think of that Brene Brown quote up there and the way that things may not look the way other people like to see them, but if they’re yours or they’re you, they are good and enough, just as […]

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forward

February 5, 2011

He runs at me with his arms out,he wants to be held. He takes a break from whatever he’s doingand he saysmommy mommy mommyover and over while he lungesfrom across the room. It’s like he hasn’t had water all dayand suddenly he sees a lakeand he doesn’t think for a second thatit’s a mirage,he’s just certainthat he’ll get what he needs. Sometimes he saysI love you I love you I love youI wuv yooouuuulike a deep groaning whinethat’s how he says it,like his heartis burstingand he’s running out of timewhile he runs across the room. When did I lose that kind of certaintyin the rushing for what I need,I wonder.SoI pull him inand hold him tightand I say I love you I love you I love youwith an intensity like hisfrom the way we both feel it. I won’t protect myself in fear of the day that he pushes me away,Mom…don’t!I will keep […]

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Batmen and Superman Girl

February 3, 2011

They went back and forth. Asher said their sister was going to be Superman Girl and Miles tried to correct him with, No Asher. It’s SuperGIRL. He’d say, OH! and then say it “wrong” again. Superman Girl. I love eavesdropping. Yeah, we’re all over here just trying to figure this out. The beautiful reality is slowly settling in…There’s a girl cooking in my belly right now and there’s no way I don’t know that because the ultrasound tech kept saying “See that little hamburger bun?!?” over and over and over… (I will never hear “a bun in the oven” quite the same way ever again. Just saying.) Yup, there’s the girl anatomy! WE GET IT! WE GET IT! I mean, we were already so surprised and we just wanted to keep looking at each other saying “WOW” and “WOW” and “NO WAY” and then she just kept saying hamburger bun. Anyway… That is […]

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the acorn is a….

February 1, 2011

People have been asking and asking, Do you have a feeling? Do you know what you’re having? No, we’d say. I don’t know…maybe a boy? Since we have two of them? I don’t know? That’s why I bought the green oh-so-neutral guggy (our family’s word for a blankie) for the new baby. Then today we had our ultrasound, and when we got our peek… It felt blurry and surreal, just like that picture… a little peek of PINK??? WOW. We’re so happy and excited and totally and completely surprised.(The expression on my face in that last picture about sums up my current state of shock.)(It’s a very very good kind of shock.) WOW. There are just so many things you can’t know for sure until you know for sure. Now we know for sure, and even though this is all kinds of new to us, it is so good. THE ACORN IS A […]

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