She’s a transplant, I thought. Taken out of there, the place where she built a life and then placed here, where spring is hard to come by and everything that was once familiar from her childhood now feels foreign.
Her stories are here and there and she is both places, even though where she was is emptied of her. Only her mind’s eye can put her back there. She can’t really be back there though, because she just can’t, for so many reasons and besides, new people are in her old home. They came along to fill the cavity that was left when she was pulled out.
You have a lot of stories, I told her.
She answered that she wishes some of them weren’t true.
I’m sure, I said, and I started to think about how I wish some of mine weren’t true. The difference is that most of hers weren’t of her doing and most of mine were. Either way, they just were, they just are, and somehow asking why seems fruitless, for both of us.
We were and we are because our stories were and are, and that’s okay.
:::::
The boys went on a day trip with Daddy. The house was so quiet and I realized how much I revel in that. The quiet, the time and space to think, the way I can take one thing at a time and then rest, another small project, then more rest. Then soon enough, so many things are done.
I thought about those spaces I used to fill, as a single person. One bedroom apartments, clean and tidy, small and silent but with stories being told through my back-then life that left my heart noisy. Why do I feel the pull to that kind of freedom sometimes, I asked me. To do my own thing, my anything and everything, and then rest in my clean space to wake to more endless choices. I stopped to ask myself if I want that.
I answered me swiftly, of course not.
There’s nothing wrong with needing space and quiet, even if I need it often, but there’s nothing I want more than this family, this chaos and this mess. I hope they always know that.
Maybe the long stories that are true are a big part of the reason I need solace, to finally slow down enough to write them out of my heart, whether with words or with exhales.
I’m always working on really being here now and the beauty of that is that I often get to feel as if all the transplanting has also included my heart. My children, they have given me that gift, of a heart transplant. Taking me from the pain of then and refining me to the now, making sure there’s no cavity in this chest of mine.
:::::
When we found out we were having a girl and Ryan said A little Heather! my transforming heart stopped. Oh no, I thought. Oh no, not her. I thought that because so many of my past selves all rushed to my surface and clamored to tell their stories, in my mind’s eye. Even if I’m not there and I’m not her or them, there they were, jumping up and down and they scared the hell out of me. No, not her…not this innocent creature, not her.
I told Steph about this and she understood and then she told me that having a girl turned out to be the thing that showed her more of the beauty of herself, more than anything had before. Because that little girl holds all the best parts of Steph and watching those parts of herself bloom in her magical daughter makes her love herself more. I cried when she said that.
My stories are here and there and I am both places, even though where I was is emptied of me. Only my mind’s eye can put me back there. I can’t really be back there though, because I just can’t, for so many reasons and besides, new people are in my old home. They came along to fill the cavity that was left when I was pulled out.
~26 weeks~
{ 30 comments }
“We were and we are because our stories were and are, and that’s okay.”
Exactly.
And I think that really is one of the most terrifying aspects of raising daughters – knowing they’ll have their stories, too, one day. Obviously, I don’t know what it’s like to raise a son, but what I hear from other mamas of sons is that maybe the fear isn’t so Big for them? I don’t know.
Given that I’ve only ever had the girly type to be a mama to, I’ve thought about this a lot.
Megan at SortaCrunchy recently posted..Links for 2011-03-19 delicious
I’m glad to hear what’s on your mind, and gladder still that Steph spoke words of affirmation and healing to you. *HUG*
Frelle recently posted..Sing To Me
Oh lady, I just love you.
There is something so magical about having girls. I love my girls so much. I always thought I would be the “boy mom”, but the boys are outnumbered in this house.
It will be a learning and growing experience…because you know, you need MORE of those;).
Love, love, love you.
This is beautiful, and so true. Those same-sex children. We’re so afraid they will have our faults and so delighted when they show us our strengths.
I’m sure your girl will be a great source of joy.
Cheers,
Casey
I need to find another word for beautiful and wow.
Just picture me nodding, then shaking my head.
Ann’s Rants recently posted..Daddy Denial
Oh Heather I relate to every word of this … and yes, yes, and thousand times yes, your girl will be all the best parts of you and more … I promise and swear and vow she will heal and bring such love to you, connection to who you were and to who she is going to be and all the girls you have ever been and I promise, promise, promise.
xoxox
“having a girl turned out to be the thing that showed her more of the beauty of herself, more than anything had before. Because that little girl holds all the best parts of Steph and watching those parts of herself bloom in her magical daughter makes her love herself more”
TOTALLY! Don’t worry.
suburbancorrespondent recently posted..Trying To Feel Useful
I cried at what Steph said, too, because I’m all wrapped up in the parts on me that are in my daughter that I wish weren’t so. But there they are, and they aren’t stronger than the beauty. They AREN’T.
Breathtaking post. Truly. (Like Ann, I’m searching for something more that WOW. But what I really want to say is WOW.)
-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..Look At Me Never Mind Go Away Come Here
I love my own space, my peace and quiet. I crave it, can’t live without it. I also love my noisy family. I appreciate each more because of the other.
This is beautiful.
And like Steph I think I love myself more, or am at least kinder to myself because of my daughter. I want so much for her. Part of that is I want her to know she is beautiful inside and out. So don’t I have to want to believe that for myself first?
We had a boy first and I was so happy b/c I was sooo scared to have a girl. And then we had a girl and she was…………..mine. She is beautiful, perfect and mine. I feel such a connection to her that it is terrifying sometimes and wonderful at the same time!
oh darling. she is going to be so beautiful … because you are. and she will learn these amazing things that you have learned … and you can show her the beautiful.
and seriously. i was so terrified of boy. and then he was here and it just was.
turns out i was more terrified of something new… when in all honesty … it was the same. because he was my child. and in the moment of having a baby and loving a baby … there is no difference.
and that third baby … although terrifyingly chaotic at times … because three is just (for me) kinda hard … is WONDERFUL. because you kind of know a lot more than you knew the first two times. and you have learned that what you know is what is right for you … and you’ve learned to trust yourself as a mama. and that is such a balanced feeling.
jen recently posted..moments
More than beautiful. xoxo
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..This Guy
It’s true. Raising a daughter allows you to be more gentle without yourself, to focus on what’s good and true and pure in the person you are. Because how else could you bring such a breathtaking child into the world.
Kelly recently posted..My Personal Road to Salvation
I just wanted to say I love your writing and I love, love, love your new design! Makes me want to redesign!!
you find a way to capture so many emotions in such beautiful words. Raising daughters is all of the things you’ve described- scary and amazing and maybe somehow redemptive, too.
Heather, After having 3 boys, I had my daughter. Steph is right your little girl will show you all the beauty you can’t see right now. You, my friend, are beautiful! There are many things I have done to myself that I wish I hadn’t. But, God has used those horrible choices to shape who I am. You, because of your struggles, have such strength and beauty that can help others who are or have struggled with the same thing. I see the beauty shining from you each time you write. A little Heather will be just as beautiful as her momma Heather. Love you!
Jenn recently posted..At It Again…
Heather,
Wow…beautiful just beautiful…I have felt that panic before…it is the “what if”….”will her story be like my story”……once you have known the hurt been down the road of “hell” then a panic comes that this could happen to our little ones….but once our story changes..once our path is different….so there path and experiences will be different too….and if there path does starting going down….then we are in a different place to hold them and to let others help us to hold them….you writing is beautiful….
i also love, love, love your new look!!!
So amazing! You always touch my heart. I love how you can say so much in so few well-chosen words. I can’t WAIT to ‘meet’ little Heather!
I’ve loved watching Steph glory in her baby girl. There is something incredibly sweet and real in that Ivy LaRue.
I suspect the same will be true of your little acorn.
Heather,
It will be okay. It will be better than okay. It will be magical, and difficult and better than you can imagine. You will discover that she is not you, and parts of you in her that you didn’t know existed.
This girl thing – best trip I have ever been on.
XOXO
Having a girl is so wonderful but I know what you mean. I love Steph’s words. So beautiful and true. And as always, your words are amazing Heather. xo
I don’t have sons, just one daughter. But I do know that my little girl shows me – daily – the power of a strong sense of self. Her hurts feel so very painful because they mimic the ones that linger in my childhood memories, but the joys, oh the joys! transport me in time, and are made all the sweeter by her grins.
Tonggu Momma recently posted..The Nursery
She will complete you. God gives us what we can handle and this girl, this acorn you are carrying under your heart will complete you.
Have faith in that. :)
It’s humbling how each little soul placed in our care teaches us something different. You’ll be a beautiful mother to a girl. In all possible ways.
My oldest of three daughters will be 11 next week, and today during a quiet time while I was folding laundry, I was thinking about how my husband and I have given her opportunities that have allowed her to become someone I would have envied at her age–not that I would have disliked her, just that I’d have loved to have her confidence and apparent ease in life. But no one’s life is perfectly easy, and she has her own challenges, even ones that arise out of her successes–like trying to find the right mix of gratitude and humility on returning from the regional science fair (for the whole state) bearing the news that she was the grand champion in her division. Of course she was thrilled to win, but she really does care about the feelings of those who didn’t, and she wants to be liked rather than envied.
Anyway, she’s amazing and competent but still vulnerable and human, and I love the privilege of shepherding her through whatever life brings. I would also LOVE to save her from some of the challenges I’ve faced, but I keep reminding myself that challenges are what make us strong. Anyway, I’ll bet you’ll love being a mother to a daughter. And who knows–maybe many of her challenges will be happily different from yours.
Zina recently posted..Write your passion
Heather, You are such a gifted, soulful writer. I am so glad I came here tonight read this post. And, it’s my first time finding out that there’s a sweet, wise little girl in your belly. How totally awesome. *totally*
Wishing you so much love, happiness and good health (and peace too)…
Hugs,
JenniferHGC
Thank you, Jennifer. I really need that “gifted, soulful writer” thing. Thank you!
First: Your blog looks FANTASTIC.
Second: Steph is SO right. I thank the stars every single day for my best girl; she has shown me everything and then some, about life, myself and being a girl.
Love you.. Z
I’m even more convinced now that Steph is made of rainbows, sunshine and kitten fur.
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