windows

March 29, 2011

It’s been so long since we could open the windows and leave them that way. It’s been so long with no clear sounds from outside. No birds. No breeze.

This stagnant air is suffocating. This Minnesota winter is long and relentless. I want new air in my home, tinged with warmth…oh, how I want it. I want it so much it hurts. I want to go outside without a coat and walk through the trees and put my fingers to new leaves and feel that little prickle of nature’s energy flowing up my arm, making my eyes wider and brighter.

I want to feel better. It’s so hard to feel better without spring, without the new air, the new grass, the new leaves.

I suppose the human spirit was made to overcome winter.  So, either we do or we don’t. Maybe it’s a choice. So I will stare the stagnant air in the face and defy it. I’m going to throw open all the windows today, and the front door, and then I’m going to laugh in the face of the chill it brings. I can’t breathe, so I’m going to fight and maybe I’ll shiver, but the windows will be open. I hear the birds are back in town.

(Excuse me while I get up to open things right now, actually. I’ll be right back…)

There. I was just too tired of looking out the windows for hope and only finding that the snow is still there, on the other side of sealed windows.

I want it gone. I want out. I want to breathe.

This is what addiction feels like. Stagnant. Trapped. Hopeless. The good things have a hard time flowing in through sealed windows. 

Now, over a year after telling my truth, quitting, I’m breathing new air and sometimes I don’t even know it. Sometimes it still feels like the dead of winter, the sealed windows in me keeping me stuck. But we’ve walked through all four seasons with me, mom, as a sober person. I did quit even though sometimes we’ve been simply getting by, watching the snow pile up, just getting through it. There’s nothing even close to perfect about me, I want you to know that for sure. Yes, it took (and takes) courage but I just need to stop a minute and remind you that I’ve never done it alone…it’s never been about me. It’s about what lies within, the Power that comes freely when surrender hits, when the windows are simply opened.

The warmer months, they did change me. I was no longer walking through life with the obsession, the daily obsession to plan everything around drinking.  The time, the energy, the focus all of  that took, it was gone. Windows were open and in flowed the people and with them, hope. New sounds and sights and smells. Everything cycles through  and around and in us and we were made to overcome, with each other.

It’s hard, isn’t it? Because sometimes it feels like winter will never end, that the sickness won’t lift, that no energy could possibly be found. When it’s like that, instead of waiting, we either fight or we don’t fight and this is all I know for sure since I first opened the windows–it feels much better to fight. Even if all I really did was stop to open the windows, to stare it in the face.

::::

Miles just came in here, after I opened the windows and finished writing this and his eyes were lighting up and he said, “Mom! I hear the birds! The birds that I hear in the summer!” Then he ran off, to listen some more.  He’s wearing a t-shirt, so he looked a little cold, but that’s okay, because he can hear the birds.

{photo credit}

{ 17 comments }

hannah March 29, 2011 at 2:11 pm

addiction IS like winter. you’ve nailed it, with beautiful words.
i’m in north dakota-i am aching for open windows!! xo
have a great day!!
hannah recently posted..jared alan

Kelly March 29, 2011 at 2:14 pm

It’s about what lies within, the Power that comes freely when surrender hits, when the windows are simply opened.”

This is how it felt to let go of the anger and disappointment and judgment that I carried for so long about everything. I think we are all shut up with something, but when we choose to let it go, to give in and be who we truly are, the windows (and all the barriers) fall away.
Kelly recently posted..Creativity with a Dash of Magic

Kirsten March 29, 2011 at 2:23 pm

listening to Ingrid Michaelson. “All we can do is keep breathing.” This, more than any other complicated thought, is what is getting me through this forever-winter. That you kept breathing all through the long hard four seasons of this first year? That means you kicked the ASS of whatever silliness the season of winter can hand out.
Kirsten recently posted..How Simple is Simple

Dawn March 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

“The birds that I hear in the summer” !! Ha ha – I love it!!
Yes, we do love the advent of spring here in MN
We’re peculiar beings – in a matter of weeks, we’ll be out in our yards, digging in the top layers of warm soil, picking up remnants left over from winter and last fall. And we’ll embrace neighborhood fellowship as though we haven’t seen one another in months.
Oh, ya, wait a minute!!
WE HAVEN’T!! No, because all winter we zip into the garage and before the door works its way to the ground, we’re already in our homes. Warm. Safe. Secure and secluded from the freezing elements.
I relish in those first spring days when we reacquaint with our neighbors!!

For this recovering alcoholic, winter bears a double edge sword. I’m also afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) making the appearance of my crocus even more eventful!!!!!
~d

Angie March 29, 2011 at 2:56 pm

“Spring is a promise
in the closed fist
of a long winter. All
we have is a raw
slant of light at a low
angle…”
(~Luci Shaw)

Praying you will know the low slant of light… spring’s promise. It’s coming. It always does. :)

I love Miles’ sweet spirit!

Ellie March 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm

SIGH. This is so gorgeous. I read it through twice, because it totally expresses how I feel, about all of it – winter, sickness, addiction, recovery, boredom, wonder, anticipation… ALL of it.

-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..In Which I Ask- Would You Want Help

TheKitchenWitch March 29, 2011 at 5:03 pm

You never fail to deliver. xo

Andrea March 29, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Beautiful words. Just beautiful.

rebecca @ altared spaces March 29, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Blessing the Boats, by Lucille Clifton: “May the tide that is entering even now the lip of our understanding carry you beyond the face of fear…”

I’m not positive how exactly that applies. But I had this urge to type it. I try not to deny my urges these days. I never know how everything connects. I think there is some connection inside me that is about the freshness of open windows, singing birds and being carried by the tide of life beyond the face of fear.

I hope we both find that place.

Erica@PLRH March 29, 2011 at 8:15 pm

It’s been so long since I’ve endured a bleak, snowy winter. But I can truly relate to your words. I’ve been smothered by depression for over a year and finally the windows are opening. Plus in Florida we seal up the houses in the summer and I have a harder time fighting the fight. I feel like I’m suffocating after a couple of weeks of around-the-clock A/C.

PS – I’ve been here a long time ago and found you again through Ivy League Insecurities.

Ann's Rants March 29, 2011 at 8:28 pm

The BIRDS. I KNOW!!!

Spring is coming. It really is Heather. SWEARS!!
Ann’s Rants recently posted..The Middle School Columnist asks you questions!

cheairs March 29, 2011 at 8:43 pm

wow….this post spoke to me in so many ways……so many that i can not even put them into words…..all i can say is thank you!
cheairs recently posted..Mrs Obama- Jess still needs a little help We all still need a little help We need one- just one light bulb changed in your “home” from white to blue From one mom to anther mom Can you help

Amy @ Never-True Tales March 29, 2011 at 8:50 pm

So true. Our winters are not quite as harsh as yours, but harsh enough. Now we’re receiving relentless rain. Someone remarked that I looked tired today (so nice, right?) and I replied that it must be the rain. Sounded funny at the time, but it’s true. I love the fresh new look here though! If that doesn’t give you a shot to the arm, I don’t know what will!
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..Fair-weather friends

Tracie March 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm

I’m in Florida, and if I could box up some of our warmth and send it your way, I would.

Getting those windows open is a good step (even if it is still cold) toward feeling spring even if you can’t feel it in the air, yet.

I love that Miles was excited about the birds….that is so precious!
Tracie recently posted..Days of Color and Warm Milk

SoberJulie March 29, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Hey there, we share the weather and the Winter’s shut in feeling. I can relate it to my alcholism as well, I get it.
In the winter we hibernate, isolate…just like the booze did for my heart.
I’m so grateful that feeling was lifted for me by God and recovery.

anymommy March 29, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I want it gone too. So very badly. Bring on the spring. xo.
anymommy recently posted..Better half

Michelle March 31, 2011 at 1:09 am

Your writing leaves me breathless. Every. Time.

Can’t wait for your book. And for spring and air and sun and birds.

But that sound? That innocence and excitement and joy of children’s fascination with the small stuff? That is the air that swooshes in and breathes life into my soul.

I can hear it.

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