April 2011

a million gifts

April 29, 2011

Jen’s Story: Part One Jen’s Story: Part Two I shared some of Jen’s story (above), of her life and struggle with cancer, months ago here in this space. At that time Jen was still under-going treatments and my times over coffee with her were full of her energetic spirit, her light and her grace. In these last few months and then weeks, as Jen’s body failed her and it was getting harder and harder by the day, I would pray for her peace over and over again. And my heart would break for her goodbyes. Jen passed away earlier this week and her funeral is today. There are so many people feeling this loss, so many who were very close to this woman of vibrant joy. I’m hurting for them and in that place where I wish I could say something that would relieve some of that pain. I can’t, but I will […]

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good news is so good

April 28, 2011

I posted this news to Twitter and Facebook yesterday, so many of you know, but yesterday brought really really GOOD news! I had another test done yesterday to follow up on the one that was done when we first came in on Monday. That first test had a positive result, proving that I was leaking amniotic fluid (this is how they assumed there was a rupture tear.) I was also having numerous contractions that they immediately starting getting under control with magnesium. Well, friends. Today, the test to check for amniotic fluid was NEGATIVE. Meaning, NOT leaking. Meaning either there was a false positive that first night and I was in preterm labor with no leaking, OR the ol’ uterus was leaking and then it was not.  (I think the second option is pretty cool, considering all of the love and thoughts and prayers that were coming our way.) Around this same time, […]

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two

April 27, 2011

Strangely, this is morning number two. It feels like more and less. This is all surreal, friends. Both sunrises, I’ve woken early with words wanting out of my two thumbs. A tedious task on a tiny phone, but I’ve got time. Yesterday I received more information on preemies. It became really real to me that we are going to juggle life at home and here, two hours away for quite some time. She explained that the baby will be on a nearby floor from my room. two floors. two rooms. I cried. I hadn’t since the night before with all the things going so fast and such surprise. now I cried over reality. Last night Miles had a hard time at bedtime. We do this routine, you know and it’s hard to feel its absence. We both want me to stand in the doorway and blow just one last kiss while he blows […]

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plans

April 26, 2011

I’m typing this post on my phone from my hospital bed. Ryan is sleeping on the chair-gone-cot, snoring. There’s the sound of my fan for white noise and of paper being released from a machine that keeps track of our baby girl. She’s 31 weeks and now the fluid around her has up and sprung a leak. They keep saying rupture, but I don’t love that because it sounds so severe. My body thinks contractions are a good idea. It’s really something how your body can do exactly what you think is a bad idea, but it happens. We live quite far from the hospital and when we came here yesterday we thought we’d just be gone for the afternoon. We really thought something false-alarmish was happening. Then all the words came at us in a rush and I couldn’t believe it. “The baby is coming sooner rather than later…transfer you by ambulance […]

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this gift

April 22, 2011

Spring is so slow in coming this year, but of course it’s coming. We’ve had very few days where the temps were high enough to spend some time outside, some real time outside, but they’re coming. Those days. It makes me REALLY appreciate outside. Today is Earth Day and I love that there’s a day for that, you know? Because we take it for granted, that the trees and the hikes will be there when we’re able to use them. And what would we do without all of it? The grass and lakes and wildlife and all the growth and gardening and replenishing. These are enormous gifts to us. Let’s take care of them. Happy Earth Day, friends. P.S. We need a compost bin over here – please advise. Do you have one? Did you make your own? Did you buy one? Just checking. (Thank you!)

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Everything Mom

April 20, 2011

Dear Friends, I wrote an article for a site called Everything Mom (a great place for all things motherhood-soul stories, resources, menu planning, free printables and much more.) Here is how the article starts… I was a drinking mother. Today I’m a sober mother…. You can read the rest over at Everything Mom, if you’d like. Thank you. I hope your day is GOOD.

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30 weeks

April 18, 2011

30 weeks This photo is deceiving, really. I’m wearing a shirt over a shirt and the shirt over the other shirt is disguising where the back of my body begins. When I don’t have a shirt over a shirt, people say… Any day now, huh? Then I say, Any month now, actually! The end of June…heh. Then comes the confused gawking and stuttering, How can that be? Ryan and I have taken to calling the belly The Torpedo. It just shoots right out of my body and my belly button completes its pointed look. I’m a mom, this is what we do. We do things that change our bodies and exhaust us and there is so much torpedo-love involved. (But I will admit I walk all funny around the house saying OUCH a lot while voicing many other complaints.) I guess I’m just weary and waiting, waiting to not be so weary, even […]

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Please

April 13, 2011

notes to my children: Don’t forget to feel and then move on if things don’t go the way you thought they should go. Sometimes what you want isn’t even what you wanted anyway. Open doors for girls. Or better yet, open doors for anyone and everyone coming through. Please. Your brother will be your best friend, if you let him. Don’t pass up chances to go to far-away places even if it doesn’t seem like the right time. Marry someone who likes so many of the very same things that you like. Please. You need to trust your heart-gut, it speaks to you. It is a true voice that can keep you safe from danger and lead you to great things. You were made for those great things, like laughing or changing your corner of the world. There are dreams in your heart and you’ll surely forget them sometimes so circle back and uncover […]

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moving rocks

April 7, 2011

I took Miles to kindergarten registration a couple of days ago. I felt uneasy the whole time, like I was in a building that was far too big for my child. That’s because everything in me just wants to keep him home with me forever.  Even if the daily grind of at-home momming is hard so much of the time. Even thought it is, I just really want to tuck them under my wing, secure and warm, always. Of course, it’s not always that peaceful under my wing. I have a tendency to ruffle and fuss as much as any mother, but even so, I’d like to think that my nest is the best place in the world for my babies. These boys (who aren’t actually even babies at all anymore) are always just going ahead with all of this growing and changing. Their humor grows with their vocabularies and their long legs. They are […]

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This is the place that opened my eyes to the creativity that had gone silent in me. It has been a place to scrawl heartbroken and then sometimes joyous words about motherhood, my Asher’s medical condition, or my own addiction–words to the not-at-all-empty spaces out there, on the other side of the screen.  Words not to spaces at all, but to people. It’s been a therapeutic and priceless space, this thing we call blog. Then this thing happened with my web address; a thing that leaves the visits to this site substantially less than before the whole loss of the web address all the readers were once able to find.  (Bear with me! I know this sounds very petty and ridiculous…and I know numbers don’t really matter…and I know that it will be fine…and even so, allow me to throw an analogy at you.) (Please.)  It kind of feels like I was standing in an auditorium for the last four […]

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saturday’s train

April 2, 2011

This is a train of thought: I’m a nomad. Or maybe the idea of being one just appeals to me sometimes. It’s like I’ve come with some sort of internal map inside me that needs traveling. So sometimes I just want an RV and my family and miles and miles of road. I want to stop and see friends and meet new people across the country and I want to teach my kids that there’s a great big world out there, you know? We don’t have an RV though and that’s okay, of course. Maybe one day we will. Maybe we’ll be those crazy people that other people whisper about–they are so weird-they just drive around. That would be okay. Today I get to travel a not-so-terribly-long distance to The Big City, where we lived over a year ago now. (I still miss living there, by the way.) I’ll get to see “old” […]

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