This is the place that opened my eyes to the creativity that had gone silent in me. It has been a place to scrawl heartbroken and then sometimes joyous words about motherhood, my Asher’s medical condition, or my own addiction–words to the not-at-all-empty spaces out there, on the other side of the screen. Words not to spaces at all, but to people. It’s been a therapeutic and priceless space, this thing we call blog.
Then this thing happened with my web address; a thing that leaves the visits to this site substantially less than before the whole loss of the web address all the readers were once able to find.
(Bear with me! I know this sounds very petty and ridiculous…and I know numbers don’t really matter…and I know that it will be fine…and even so, allow me to throw an analogy at you.) (Please.)
It kind of feels like I was standing in an auditorium for the last four and a half years, one that kept filling up because people cared to come and see what I was going to say, how my heart would pour out, and that has been such a humbling honor, all this time. So when I lost my domain, it felt like most of the auditorium emptied out all at once. Poof! (Because according to my sitemeter, it did.)
You may think that’s a statement about numbers or ego, but for me, it’s not. It’s about the way past posts have connected with people. People who then decided to come back again and again. It’s about how ten or twenty people filed into the auditorium at a time, because they cared about Asher or they wanted to witness my healing and recovery from alcoholism. Yes, it’s about them. Or maybe I said something silly or overly honest one day that made just one fellow mother feel a little more normal, so she came in and sat down in row 33, seat 5 and listened again, hoping for more resonating words, more kindred moments, less isolation. Yes, it’s about her. It’s about how people felt my heart in maybe just one certain post for their own reasons and so they came through my doors, they got to know each other and our common issues, problems, joys and strengths, and then they stayed. Yes, it’s about that.
It’s not about me.
It’s about connection.
So I’ll admit that it is sadness I feel when I look at the numbers now and this is not for the sake of the lowering of the numbers themselves, but because there was a person holding each one. People who came along at different times for different reasons and now many of them are gone.
:::::
I had breakfast with a dear friend of mine on Sunday. She’s never been a big social media fan but she admitted that she poured her heart out online recently and that it made her understand why I do what I do. She said she just simply felt better, after her words were released, transparently and whole-heartedly.
It seems strange to say that something spiritual happens when a person does that on the Internet, but I think it does. I don’t think it matters where we tell our truths, there is always freedom and connection in it. Even from behind a screen where all people can really see of our lives is our words and a few carefully chosen photos.
This is why we bloggers struggle when we feel any kind of disconnect or change in how things are going with what we do. It’s not about a readership as a whole or about popularity or hours spent building something. We grapple with insecurity and doubt because of the possibility of losing authentic connections, many we are completely aware of and many more that we can feel even if we’ve never exchanged words with the person reading along. We fear the loss of what we’ve gained in small grace moments of connection over time.
Please know, I realize people’s lives don’t revolve around these connections and shouldn’t. I’m just simply acknowledging that there is chemistry here, zaps of light and validation and divine intervention between us all. Not in just this one place, but all over the worldwide interweb. So it’s hard for any blogger to close up shop or take a break or start over. It feels like an abrupt halt to being a part of something bigger than ourselves. And we all really really need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves in as many ways as we can.
I don’t know what I’m looking for in saying all of this. I just needed to say it, to release it, like my friend, and like I’ve done so many times before about so many things. Maybe that IS selfish, but it also works, to let it go and move on. This whole thing is small, of course, when I look at the big picture of my life. But I say it here anyway because every one of you really does matter to me, enough to write a whole post about how it makes me sad so many are gone.
Love,
Sappy Sapperton
{ 50 comments }
I *heart* you Sappy S. :)
Sappy,
This is why I continue to read your blog, post after post. Great analogies and raw truth. Thank you.
A fellow Sapperton
Chrysanthemama recently posted..Military Marriage
I was (am) here and I connected. Thank you.
Mrs. Organic recently posted..On my nerves
I love your new look, and I totally get this. I’m sure you receive personal emails from readers, far more often than I do, which reinforces that understanding that real people are reading what you write, real people are struggling through similar circumstances, real people are finding themselves less alone because of your writing. It IS more than numbers.
Joy recently posted..Summer Camp
I’m still here. Thanks for dumping your heart out, and for giving words to what we all feel about this wonderful online community.
anna recently posted..Sunday Simplicity
I hear you.
Kristen recently posted..what do you think about Christian movies
Yes, this is exactly it. “And we all really really need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves in as many ways as we can.” To know we aren’t alone, that we touch others even when we’re face to face with a computer screen, that our struggles and hopes and fears are our own and others’ too.
Sharone @ Zizzivivizz recently posted..five minute friday- favorite things
Totally get this. And am so glad I still get notified every time you post!!
Wendi recently posted..And the highchair makes her cry too
I completely understand what you’re saying– it’s not about self-validation at all (which surprised me, because I was looking for a certain level of self-validation, just in the fact that I was able to take everything swimming around in my head, and place it somewhere else); in fact, it is about camaraderie, being exposed to ideas you would have never had on your own, and listening to others’ voices.
Now look at that run-on sentence…Whew!
Sarah recently posted..Game-changer
I’m pretty sure I’ve never had the numbers you did, and I’m also sure I probably don’t have the numbers you still do even after dropping. But you’re right. I think we all like to see those numbers go up, but it’s only as a chance to meet the people behind them. Because of that, I like having my small group of regulars, because I know them and I feel they know me and the reason they keep coming back is because of a connection. And that’s really what it’s all about.
C @ Kid Things recently posted..Olie-Olie Oxen Free
It.
It exactly.
The connection and the heart-tie.
Amazing it happens through screen and word and mouse click.
<3 you muchly.
S.S.
Sara Sophia recently posted..I want to be that girl
…another who understands your heart…
I’ve been looking and Looking for you. I’m so glad to find you again.
Just to be Awkward Awkwardson :), try this thought on for size: that *this*? THIS is the next lecture hall, with even more seats, with an even longer time-slot, the chance for you to really stride across the stage with boldness, with panache, and not spending time nervously standing behind the podium wondering if you should even BE the one up front. Those who held their tickets to seats in the last auditorium? They have tickets to this one too, and it will just take them time to find the new spot, to bring others along with them, and tell those others ‘no, I *know* you’ll love Heather – come with me to check her out.’
I don’t intend to discount your beautiful and honest thoughts here – I just wonder if the meaning behind life’s little accidents is hard to see when we’re in the middle of the accidental fallout. You are fabulous, and they will find you again, just as I found you purely by accident, and keep RE-finding you, even when I know exactly where you are. :)
Kirsten recently posted..TV We Dont need no Stinkin TV!
Awkward Awkwardson, yes! That’s me!
And thank you for what you’ve said here, my friend. You know how I love me some analogies and this one (yours) struck my heart in a good way. Thank you.
I would totally stalk you even if you started posting recipes and rants about the government and had blinking hearts and ducks on the sidebars.
Because I’m connected for better or worse. I might remove you from my blog roll so I could love in secret , because I don’t want to scare away and lose my readers :)
I’m still fairly new at all of this and the whole commenting thing is probably where I struggle… and also do you think in general there is a drop in blog readership…. ?
deb recently posted..Vultures On a Rainy Monday
deb, you’re cracking me up. blinking hearts.
and to answer your question, I don’t know. I don’t know if blog reading is generally down. Could be–maybe a spring thing? Everyone is getting outside! Maybe? *blink blink*
Also. Thank you for being you. And for being here.
Heather,
You should know that I was very sad when I went to “my favorites” to read one of you posts and you were not there. I thought I did something wrong and I tried again, again, and yes again to pull up your site on the world wide web…… A bit compulsive I know. I even thought for a brief moment that I wrote something that offended you in the comments section and I was ban from getting to your site……ok…..I know that is far fetched. So this was one happy camper when I figured out that you had a page on facebook. I connected backed in and I can now read your posts again. I tried so hard to find you because your words have helped me so much. Your honesty, your grace, your kindness coming pouring from you page. Your humor is also great! Your post about “change the conversation” is one that I always think about when I get so wrapped in the world of Autism. I get out of myself and “change the conversation”….so thank you.
You should know that I wrote today would not have happen without you and other bloggers who honestly tell their story….and share……so thank you…..
ps. I think I am in seat 15 row 2….I have a good spot!
Thank you again for sharing your journey.
cheairs recently posted..How has autism affected your marriage
A couple thoughts: I think blog reading is down in general as people get caught up in Twittter. People seem to want quick little bursts of info. What are we coming to? Also, I have noticed that even one short disruption can have a huge impact on readership. As loyal as readers seem to be, they can be gone in a flash. There are just so many places for them to go. My guess is that they will find their way back. It may just take some time.
Just keep doing the beautiful, meaningful, reflective work that you do. They will need an Asher and a Miles fix before you know it.
I have lived by television ratings my whole professional life. I can tell when people watch one of my stories (lots and lots watched the story about you, by the way) so I’m used to having my work judged to some degree by the number of people who consume it. I agree with you, it’s not just a numbers thing but for me, because my stories always have a purpose, it’s about the opportunity to reach people, to have an impact. I can’t for example, convince teens to wear seatbelts with a compelling story about that issue, if our ratings aren’t good.
But this blogging thing is much more personal than anything I’ve done for television. Watching my blog numbers go down is much harder for me than watching the TV ratings. Sometimes I go for weeks without checking. I just feel bad that I can’t sustain the audience I want.
The thing is there is just so much we can’t control, one of which is that there are just soooooo many blogs right now. And so much content in so many other places.
At some point the wheat will be separated from the chaffe. And you, my dear, are the wheat.
I’m so glad that you are on facebook–otherwise I would have lost you during my period of bloggy inactivity. Your story and your insight truly are extraordinary.
Um. YES. I get it… and I join you in your sappiness. I noticed when I stopped writing so much about my cancer that my readership went down, and I struggled so much with hurt… wondering if I was nothing more than my cancer to people. And my best friend, Monica, wrote and told me to just write from my heart and not worry about my readership, and I know she is right, but I know you are right, too. That this blogosphere is our auditorium and healing and a place of beauty and community, and it’s painful when community lessens. I get it.
I heart you. :)
I lost a lot of my readers when I was going through a rough pregnancy and first year after. Lots of depression, and I neglected my blog and many others. Then I started finding myself and the writer inside, and my readership changed. It’s taken until now to start bringing together bits and pieces of myself to make my blog reflect more of who I am.
Hang in there. Your words will reach the right people at the right time, just as they did for me today. :)
Still lurking and still enjoying every word :).
Row 55, aisle seat, checking in.
I wouldn’t miss a word.
pamela ~ the dayton time recently posted..sunday funday
Thank-you so much for putting into such powerful words this connection and why it means so much to us bloggers. You have taken away my shame of caring about how many “followers” I have or how many people read my blog on a given day. I felt like a raving narcissist, but I knew something else was going on too. You nailed it. You are a Gem.
workinprogress recently posted..I Dont Know If Any of This is True
Don’t apologize for being sad about the numbers. No matter what lies we all tell ourselves, they DO matter, and as you said, they represent the very real people who come here. I understand. And as for the internet and spirituality and the magic that happens…yes. I’ve connected in many ways with many people here, and some relationships last (that makes it sound like a love affair!) and some POOF when interests fade or change. But what remains is this great wide open of the internet, where we can collectively find ourselves.
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..The imparting of brotherly wisdom- how to win at thumb wrestling
I was thinking something very similar the last few days. Some people in real life don’t get it. Some of my deepest connections are online…I hope to meet them face to face… too.
Jen
Jen @ Martymom’s Musings recently posted..Sometimes
I’m not going to scream all caps. Wait yes I am. OF COURSE YOU CARE!!!!!
You’ve worked so hard to gain this audience and if we weren’t doing this at least in good part for an audience we’d be writing in journals.
I think the key is just having faith that losing your readers doesn’t mean forever and doesn’t mean your path is somehow altered. It’s not like everyone just up and walked away, but I bet that is how it feels.
I just want to say you are human and OF COURSE this is a blow.
The end. Oh wait, love you. Okay, the end.
Ann’s Rants recently posted..Signs youve emerged from babyville
So let me mushy and tell you that when I met you at the pizza lunch last year at BlogHer, and put a face with the name I’d seen all over the blogosphere and twitter, I did a little happy dance. I was giddy. I was in awe. Following you afterward? A true treat.
All I can really say is that those of us who did make a connection with you WILL find you once we/they realize you’re still there…. just in a new home. Once they realize that the connection they’ve had is FAR stronger than a blog going dark. Once they realize that the void they’re feeling can be filled with words of “an old friend” … someone who they once knew. Who gets it. Gets them. It just takes these people who found you in the first place to take the steps to find you again. And if they don’t? It’s their loss.
Dear Sappy,
At least you read your analytics. I don’t ever read mine, for fear they will depress me. How’s that for optimism?
you know that I may not always comment but I feel we are kindred spirits and your words resonate with me. I totally understand the spiritual aspect of which you were talking. Your openness, honesty and willingness to share has touched so many lives, including my own. They have affected me in very deep and profound ways. You are an integral part in my own recovery (8 months now) and I will be forever grateful. I love you!
Polly (5th Sister) recently posted..Tuesdays Tidbits- April 5- 2011
I’m so glad to get email notifications with your posts…I read them there from my phone, and rarely go to the actual site. I wonder, how many other people do that? I hope that reflects in your numbers. I look forward to those emails! Love your writing! :)
This pretty summarizes why I do what I do. I (we) write and share because it simply makes us feel better…even if no one reads it, even if it’s not considered “good writing,” even if it’s sometimes silly. Sometimes I have to tell myself, isn’t that enough?
You have inspired me a lot lately. I also love this quote from one of your first “acorn” posts.
“…there are always only two choices…fear or faith. I want to choose faith, and I think that means not only hoping, but truly believing, because there’s a difference between the two. It’s just a really subtle and utterly important difference.”
I want to live in the CONNECTION and the FAITH. Thank you!
Priscilla recently posted..Inspiration
I have many of those same moments; moments wondering who is looking at what I create, who likes what they see and who has enough heart to tell me, in words, that they were there. My numbers indicate people stop by and visit. Yet often, too often, my comment boxes stay blank. It tugs at my heart because that’s a part of me out there for all to see. I poured it out in concrete words from a place in my heart that it originated, and I want people to be able to feel it, to live it and enjoy what I’ve done. And truthfully, it makes the huge big world of blogging feel less like an ocean we’re all bobbing in, losing sight of one another drifting off, and more like a big pool party where we can all shout out to each other and be heard.
It’s why I choose, despite near exhaustion, to drive over miles and miles to a place where I know these people will be so I can embrace them for real, see their smiles and feel their heart. This blogging thing seems so out of control sometimes. Yet I hang on, for those brief moments when I know that what I do goes deep to someone’s core and brings them joy.
Kate recently posted..spicy tuna wraps
I’m totally with Kirsten about the people finding their way to this new, larger auditorium and filling it with their friends and strangers.
This has got to be a hard experience for you. I’ll bet you’ll either see the good in it or almost forget it happened in a little while. (and I know it’s selfish of me, but I’m glad I’m not one who lost you!)
LisAway recently posted..Mind Dump
So glad you just kept showing up in my reader like nothing changed. BUT. If you stopped showing up, I would’ve hunted you down and taken my comfy seat in row 88.
I’m still here! *waves from Canada* Loving you and loving your words in the seat up front. xo
Well, Sappy! I know exactly what your saying because I have felt it many a time in this here ole blogland! I definitely glad you still pop up in my blog list, no problems! And if you didn’t I’d be googeling you!
Jenn recently posted..WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH yes. Everything you say…. you know I understand.
I was reading in the comments about how maybe blog readerships are down overall because of Twitter, etc. – and I think that is a part of what you’re talking about here (forgive me .. bad head cold.. probably not going to make much sense).. because there are so many people reading, following along, sitting quietly in the auditorium but soaking in the words, the community – you don’t know them, but you know they are there. And then the odd email here or there from someone who says “I never comment, but …” and that little spark of kinship flares to life. The people you tweet and facebook with (those are verbs, now, right?) you know where they are, who they are, and you couldn’t disappear from them if you tried.
But those silent others, who tried to come into the auditorium and found a “closed” sign on the door, when you lost your url, I know your heart aches for them, and not just for them but for you, too. They will find you again, and new people will keep finding their way to you, too, but I know that’s a small consolation in the face of how hard you’ve worked for years to build all those connections – not NUMBERS, but CONNECTIONS. I echo what Ann said – OF COURSE YOU CARE.
I apologize if this made no sense… seriously hard to think today what with all the nose-blowing and sneezing.
-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..Creating Again
As someone whose own words, sent out into the world, seem to echo and bounce without finding ears I get it. But in the sending them out I am also able to hear them myself seemingly for the first time.
Still I am here connected, connecting…
That release is why I keep doing it, over and over again, regardless of who does or does not hear it.
But yeah, totally understand the feeling of watching your stats sink, too.
thepsychobabble recently posted..Parenting Isn’t One Size Fits All
You have done it again. Read my heart, spoken my mind, captured my soul. Thank you for always being able to convey that which I am feeling so well. You are not alone on that side of the screen, and as THAT Mom that has found MUCH validation in your words, I am here. Thank YOU for being there.
Here’s a corny line:
If you write it…we will come…
They’ll be back.
Sarah @ For the Love of Naps recently posted..tonight
I don’t really know what to say in response to all this, except: I love you. Truly. Your authenticity is a gift to us.
(Also? I don’t think I’ve said this before, but your blog design rawks.)
Kelly @ Love Well recently posted..When Hives Attack
I add my echoes to yours.
Preach it, sister.
Tracey – JustAnotherMommyBlog recently posted..Stream of Thought
I felt every word of this inside. Resonating. I feel some of the same sadness lately because the words just don’t seem to be coming and I think about people getting up and leaving that auditorium one at a time. That’s okay. I’m not sure I even understand what I want to tell them any more. It’s funny how sure you are at first.
anymommy recently posted..A corny meditative exercise
I had two or three more paragraphs about what you’ve said here in this post. About how I’ve felt like I can’t find words lately…and when I do, it just feels…different. I can’t figure it out. Because yes!–we’re so sure at first. It’s not that the connections don’t matter, it’s that my creativity is doing something annoying. I don’t know. Then I took out those paragraphs because the post was about too many things-my thoughts all over the place. heh, part of the problem.
So yeah, what you said too :)
And I’m so glad you said it, all of it. You know I grapple with this online place and how much of myself I should put out there and worry that I come across narcissistic, but it just feels good. THE CONNECTION. It’s what matters. So you I nod with all that you say here, and I’m so glad for people like you to lead the way for people like me. I cannot tell you how important you’ve been in my life.
Christine @ Coffees and Commutes recently posted..Interview with a Happy Mom
I totally get it. It’s like you wrote the words I have been thinking but couldn’t get off the tip of my tongue.
But take comfort. While many are gone, there are new ones too. Every day. I only started reading your words after the whole web address mess, and already you’ve made me feel connected to something. Even in loss there are new beginnings, yes?
Thank you for sharing your words with the Interwebs. I’m grateful you do.
A Serious Girl recently posted..In Other News
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