Strangely, this is morning number two. It feels like more and less. This is all surreal, friends. Both sunrises, I’ve woken early with words wanting out of my two thumbs. A tedious task on a tiny phone, but I’ve got time.
Yesterday I received more information on preemies. It became really real to me that we are going to juggle life at home and here,
two hours away
for quite some time.
She explained that the baby will be on a nearby floor from my room.
two floors.
two rooms.
I cried. I hadn’t since the night before
with all the things going so fast and such
surprise.
now I cried over reality.
Last night Miles had a hard time at bedtime.
We do this routine, you know
and it’s hard to feel its absence.
We both want me to stand in the doorway and blow
just one last kiss
while he blows his.
two kisses
caught with fists
and put to hearts
with splayed fingers to chests,
kept.
When they make the 2 hour drive with Daddy or Nanny and Bapa and I see them,
I will tell them that I’m going to blow kisses
from here,
same as always,
until their sister comes and when she stays awhile.
every night, I won’t stop and I will grab their’s too, from the air, at eight o’clock sharp.
Not really knowing
when or what is hhard
and there is only waiting
for now, through tomorrow,
watching what this body will do
after stopping medications.
And I am waiting with peace,
I have it while this is hard,
the unknown.
how long will she be here?
how long will I want to split
in two
one me here for her
to feed and to hold,
one more me
with my two
at Home
To feed and to hold.
I just want to be two.
:::::
Thank you beyond words for all the love, my friends. I feel it. Like a big heart thump. A bass drum heart thump. Thank you. We are so blessed.
I don’t know how to say what we need right now. I feel so full, so not in need, at the same time that I know we need help and even things. So when you ask what we need or how to help, give me some time. I’m not the best at accepting so I have trouble saying specifically what’s needed. Iknow,Iknow…am working on it. Thank you!
And also, later today I will have a computer and can therefore type responses to your messages with all my fingers! Thank you!!
{ 46 comments }
I won’t ask what you need, I will just offer my prayers for you, your family, the nurses, the doctors and this little gift that God has in your belly. I will pray for her to remain there as long as she can to grow today. I am sending your my love and hugs.
SoberJulie recently posted..Today Im not pretty
Oh friend I am so sorry things are upside down. Still praying and hoping you get everything you need, both inside and out.
Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) recently posted..What’s for Breakfast
Oh my darling, my heart is just so heavy for you all. I am praying for you and have sent all prayer warriors that I know messages.
You and this little baby and your sweet family are so very loved.
I love love love you.
Kim recently posted..Happy Easter
I’m thinking of you all day every day. I know this is a very hard thing, so pleeeeze be gentle with yourself.
Katherine @ Postpartum Progress recently posted..Having A Child After Postpartum Depression- A Short Film
We are lifting you up this morning. I know that waiting and “torn” feeling and I am praying God’s peace over you this morning!
Nicole @ Rare Bird recently posted..Home-to Ride Out the Storm
Oh dear Heather, just getting caught up and you can be sure you are woven in my prayers today! I hope you feel His protection and comfort. God is awake.
Candy recently posted..Blessings- What if…
Just checking in for an update…sending you and your sweet baby love.
thinking of you nonstop and wishing you peace during this anxious time.
Hello friend!
Here is the deal: I live nearby, and Kyle goes to where you are daily! In other words, he can be my mule. :-) So think about what you need and text/email/call me with your special requests. I would be MORE than happy to oblige. Target, Byerly’s, you name it, I can stop there! Movies, nail polish, grapes? I can get them! :-) PLEASE do not hesitate for a minute.
I hope the cookies are OK, I tried a new cooking light recipe for snickerdoodles!
:-) Hang in there! Love and hugs,
Kelly
prayers and more prayers. The waiting and not knowing is so hard. I’m glad you have your phone. :) and so much love and support. Somehow you will be one, not two, but with the faith and strength of two. And you will be meet all those needs with love and power.
Heather, I understand why the idea of two rooms made you cry. I think that was one of the hardest things for me, not having her there with me. And then having to go home without her. Even though I knew she was in loving and capable hands, making that trip home without my baby in my arms felt like the most un-natural thing in the world.
I continue to send white light and love. I’m here if you need to talk…or for anything, really. xo
This is so beautiful.
I know you’re climbing a mountain of missing, of wanting, of waiting, of uncertainty. But there is so much love, SO MUCH, and your new normal is coming, and it will be hard and beautiful in so many ways.
I also feel your peace, your surrender.
I would do anything to hug you, my friend. Praying and thinking of you nonstop.
-xoxoxo
-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..How To Love
My thoughts and prayers are with you and the girl and with your boys catching kisses from so far away. I am very sorry, but glad you have peace. It will all work out for the best. Someone knows what he’s doing and we only become better because of our trials. Love to you, Heather!
LisAway recently posted..Somebody or Nobody
Heather, I’m just getting caught up on you and your baby girl and I am praying for both of you! I’m praying that she’ll stay safe and sound within you for as long as possible, and that peace will define your time in the hospital. I’m so thankful that you’re in the best place for her care and yours.
Praying for you, Heather!
You are in my prayers, Heather!
Kristina P. recently posted..If You Are My Dad- Or Have Good Values- Click Away Now
thinking of you today … wishing things we easier.
you are in such a safe place. and your daughter will be in a very safe place. and you are loved and supported.
xoxo.
jen recently posted..on eggs and easter
Hello my dear. Wow, I haven’t read your posts for a while, and thought I’d check in to see how things are going. You are lifted up in my prayers dear girl. You and your acorn, your little men and your hubby. All your family. I do know what you are going through, at least somewhat. I had been on bedrest for about two months with my twins, when I “sprung a leak.” I was then taken by ambulance to the hospital, put on all the meds and antibiotics that you mentioned, and my little peanuts were born at 29w 2d. They were 1lb. 15oz. and 2lbs. 9oz. For four months I traveled every day back and forth, hospital, home. Hospital, home. School, daycare, hospital, home. Every day except for two I missed – one day of really bad weather and one day of resting at home immediately after getting home from the hospital (I was fortunate to only be a half hour away from the hospital.) My older two were 3 and 7 at that time. I made it through. So many blessings poured forth. Strength came through from places inside me I didn’t know existed. And from so, so, so many friends, family and strangers. And most importantly, from God. You can do this, hun. I am praying for you all and remember you are not alone, not one little bit. HUGS HUGS HUGS. Oh, and you know my little peanuts made it through it all. Those doctors and nurses and therapists and dieticians and all of them know exactly what they are doing, and they do it out of love (at least in my experience.) Most importantly, your little acorn is in God’s care, and that’s the best care EVER. He knows the Master Plan. I do pray that your little acorn can incubate for as long as possible, but also that she and you stay safe and healthy. OK, I could go on and on but I just ramble. God’s blessings to you, dear Heather.
–Michelle G.
xoxo. love, prayers and hugs.
anymommy recently posted..Cleaning out my cupboard
Oh sweetheart, 2 hours away, two rooms, two floors, two different places at once – gah! I know how conflicted you must be. Praying for a solution and for peace for you <3
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted..A Little Dirt Aint Killed Anyone
your words tug at every mama’s heart-strings. sending more prayers, thoughts, and (((hugs))) your way today, heather!
Giant hugs and prayers to you and your family during this. It isn’t easy but in the end there is a beautiful baby and THAT is the important part.
Liz recently posted..Betty Crocker Review and Giveaway
The 2 rooms would probably have undone me — it almost did and I’m at home just reading about you. And the blowing kisses… ah geez, Heather. Good luck. Your little boys know you love them. They’ll know you love their sister, too, and that will help them love her all the better.
Sarah recently posted..Inspired
Prayers your way, lots of prayers!
I’m so happy I beat your address out of you.
All my heart and prayers are with you. Can you feel them? They’re warm and fuzzy and smell like fresh laundry.
moosh in indy. recently posted..p is for panic- and parenthood
I wish I was close enough to come paint your toenails, kiss your belly, and deliver meals to your boys.
My heart just aches for you…tears fall for your mommy heart. I wish I lived close enough to help you, somehow. Praying…
Jamie recently posted..Wesley sings Jesus Loves Me!
I’m just now catching up and I want you to KNOW that I’m thinking of you and your baby girl and the boys and your hubs and keeping you ALL in my prayers. I know the “not knowing” part is hard. HE is wrapping his arms around you both, I’m sure. Much love Heather…
Elaine recently posted..Pink – You Capture
Sending positive thoughts your way!
Barb @ getupandplay recently posted..Welcome Home- Elder Sam!
I’ve always received your emails when they end up in my inbox but today I couldn’t wait and had to go to your website for an update. Gosh, you are so strong, Heather! Amazingly strong and I have no doubt that baby acorn is too! You all will most definitely be in my prayers. God has a plan and I feel your trust in Him. Maybe he just wants you to be good and rested before she joins us in this world so take the downtime for all that it is. Your boys are strong too and will get through this even stronger on the other end! God Bless You all!
Just now hearing about all of this, Heather. Please know that I am covering you and lifting you up in prayer right now. xo from Canada.
Sarah@EmergingMummy recently posted..In which I am still learning a new song
Sending lots and lots of prayers your way–for you, acorn, your three boys and family!
I know your heart feels torn in two. I’m sorry. :(
I’m praying.
Angie recently posted..Ah- Holy Jesus
Oh Heather, I am so BAD about reading daily and I just saw this. Huge hugs, prayers and much love to you and yours……Lisa
Lisa/MommyMo recently posted..How the love affair began
I feel like everything I could say would be too trite and lame. Your surrender is inspiring. Your heart is broken and that is totally understandable. Your strength you’ve built up from recovery is now the tool you’ll have to keep you strong through this. That new normal will be ok and then when it’s over you will have another new normal. SO many people are praying for you and wee one. Peace and love, babe. xoxo
Arianne recently posted..17 Weeks
Prayers & hugs for you & your family.. I hope you get through this with the best of your ability. Maybe the little bean will be able to stay in & cook just a little bit longer.
Natalie recently posted..WW Easter Goodies 2011
My heart and thoughts are with you. Your words are so beautiful. Hang in there.
Barbara Feldman recently posted..Traffic Jam on the Way to Bed
You are in my prayers, Heather! I am so sorry…but I am thankful for the miracle of modern medicine because you will be under excellent care and I know that all will be well with you.
Lara recently posted..When Did I Get Like This
Praying for you and baby!! Miss you on Monday nights, but keep up with you on your blog. God is good, His Will will be done – Keep the Faith!!!
Sandy (Monday night Eagle Lake group)
Not sure if it helps but my son was born very early due to a premature rupture, I was prepared for a very scary entrance to the world for him – but it turned out fine. He spent two weeks in the NICU, I pumped breastmilk for him, he nursed we got home and all ended up okay. He was never slow in any area of development.
So…I pray today that all goes well for you as it did for us. I pray your family transitions through it all easily. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t hard and heartbreaking at times because it truly was…but with the love of your amazing God surrounding you all it will turn out just right, you’ll see :) Take care.
So relieved to see the good news update. Thank goodness you are going home. I will call you soon!!
xoxo
Love to you all.
Ann’s Rants recently posted..This happens when I try to mommyblog
Thank you all, so much.
Our roller coaster ride has left us in a really good place this evening. I have good news!
This afternoon the docs came in to say I could go home! Short update for now because I’m still typing on my phone, but I will do a post tomorrow. Am tired. Thank you again, you lovely people.
Heather
Yay!! Such wonderful news.
Keeping the prayers going….hope you are getting some rest tonight in your own bed.
Tracie recently posted..I Want My Royal Wedding To Pop-Up
Heather,
Like many of your other readers I just went to your blog tonight and read your posts for the last two days. Please know that you, your baby girl, your boys, and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that you got good news tonight! Thinking of you and I am so sorry that this happened.
So glad you got good news tonight. What a blessing! Sleep tight. ;)
Yes, yes, yes, yes, YEEEEES!!!!!!
Annette recently posted..WNW- When Right Is Twitchy
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