June 2011

mapping

June 30, 2011

There are a lot of infomercials on in the night. Every channel it seems. I’ll be up in the night with Elsie, either pacing the floors to lull her to sleep or nursing her in a sleepy haze. And someone is always trying to sell me something if I turn the TV on. When I was up nursing Miles I remember watching Little House on the Prairie a lot. I think there were marathons every night. With Asher I remember watching televangelists a lot. I don’t even like televangelism…at all, but there I would be, zoned out and strangely fascinated. Now, when I’m up with Elsie, I do more reading on my phone than TV-spacing. I read blog posts mostly, and a reflection of the day for we recovering alcoholics. It’s a good start to the day-night. Sidenote: I’m going to just go ahead and point out that I tried to discreetly erase […]

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six

June 28, 2011

An interview with Miles: On being five… Me: What did you like about being five? Miles: I can jump high, playing Legos and playing with cars and having races with them. Me: What was your favorite thing about this year? Miles: I liked the water park and I also like going to get Legos. Me: Is there anything you didn’t like? Miles: It’s hard to think of that…I don’t like getting itchy. Or ravioli. {at this point Miles declared the interview over. good thing because my next question was about the five year old boys’ attention span.} ::::: There are so many things I want to say to him and about him on his birthday. So I made him this video and he says it’s cool if I share it with you. {Hat tip to my friend Kim for introducing me to the song in the video so we could both get weepy.} […]

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soul story

June 27, 2011

It’s funny how I remembered but I didn’t really remember… this stage. But then again I guess it’s not that funny. Funny as in weird. I mean, I remember college, but I don’t really remember. I’m listening to music from college and it brings back some of it and all the while Elsie sleeps next to me so far from college and I wish I would be able to remember all of this one day. this day-is-night-and-night-is-day and hard and soft and beautifully difficult stage.   we’re both finding our way and we’re doing it together.   she will grow more and lose her wrinkles while I grow more and keep mine. The ones that weren’t there in college with these songs but are here now, telling their stories with new songs. and one day I’ll forget, so I lay wide open my heart and leave pieces of it here to look back […]

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My Dad asked about postpartum depression yesterday. He asked when it usually sets in. I couldn’t clear my head to answer the question because I don’t sleep enough to have normal conversations. I don’t know exactly what I said, but what I meant was something like, “as soon as the baby comes out…or anytime after that. Or even while you’re still pregnant.” I don’t know if it’s happening to me. Again. Maybe it is. It’s hard to tell without sleeping much at all. What I do know is that this is hard and that I cry a lot. As much as I don’t want to cry, as much as I just want to constantly feel joy, that’s not my reality. Sometimes I cry because I sing to Elsie when she’s crying and I just can’t hold it back. I’m a horrible singer and I really really mean the words… There you go with […]

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something els(i)e

June 20, 2011

Elsie looks nearly identical to Miles as a baby. It makes me think about how we come here– how we arrive as everything we are but nothing like what we will be, all at the same time. I’m not sure how much sense that made. I’m exceptionally tired. Sometimes I forget that I won’t always feel this way. I mean, newborns come as they are but they don’t stay this way. Not long at all. I just love this picture. This is a proud big brother picture. Elsie lost her umbilical cord stubby thing already. It actually got snagged on some clothes. Ouch. But it’s okay, we’re watching it closely. When Asher noticed it was gone he said (excitedly), “LOOK! Her power cord is gone!” These people in my house, they’re something else.  Everyone is handling this transition so well, I’m just so grateful. Everything is about Elsie while some things are still […]

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this is the life

June 17, 2011

I get them the snack they’ve been asking me to get for over an hour, finally. They rattle off questions, interupting each other and me and they bounce.  She starts to grunt, the way she does before she cries. I hurry. I pull clean dishes out of the dishwasher while I one-handed get a glass of milk for Asher. I ask Ryan to go down to change the laundry so we have the favorite blanket clean. I don’t know why, but I always end up using the same one or two things, the ones that have no explanation for why I think they work best. I sit down to nurse her and one or the other calls out for something. I say no not right now and they whine or fuss for waiting. I take a deep breath. She has her days and nights mixed up. She hiccups a lot. I think she […]

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little earthquake

June 14, 2011

My friend Casey has done some extraordinary things for us. She sends messages that make me laugh, talks baby with me over email and coordinates great big surprises in which she asks our friends we’ve come to know through blogging to shower me with all the baby things we didn’t have. I am so grateful. Thank you, Huckleberry and friends. This morning I sent these words to Casey:  “It’s funny, the difference a new morning with some sleep on top can make. Elsie slept in 2.5-3 hour increments last night. That’s like…FOREVER. She is a happy baby, actually. We’re doing really really well–knockonwood. I mean, breastfeeding, healing, etc…it’s all going really well. Of course, sleep deprivation adds to the emotion of it all, but even that is okay…just okay. I’ve been working on a post about the emotional side of the newborn life. How I grieve the old life even though I’m NOT at […]

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Elsie

June 11, 2011

beautiful knit hat courtesy of my lovely friend, Corinne {Etsy: A Soft Landing}  We get to go home today, friends. So much has happened in the last few days– there are just so many things to say and remember, so much on my mind and heart.  But of course, there’s been very little time to type it out or even say it.  If all the words and stories could be all wrapped up tight, swaddled like my tiny newborn and tucked in, they would only say one thing.  Elsie. Elsie. Maybe there will be time and space for writing some of the stories out in the weeks to come, maybe not. I don’t know yet… Elsie. ::: Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your congratulations and thoughts and prayers and love from all around the worldwide interweb. You are loved right back. Elsie, Elsie, Elsie, Elsie, What do you think, little lady? Let’s […]

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I want to tell you so many things. It has been a scary and exciting and lovely couple of days. I’m too tired to type out all the details, so for now, let’s just welcome… *really fast and suspenseful drumroll please*   Elsie Jane!!!   (That’s EJ of the EO, I just realized…ha.)  Yes. Elsie Jane is here and she’s just…pure…goodness.   But… does she look a little suspicious to you? That’s because she’s had a rough night and day, trying to figure out how to breathe. She’s doing so much better now though–breathing more peacefully on her own and slowly getting well enough to leave the special care nursery so we can be together all the time. I can’t wait. She may even be able to come to stay in my room with me tonight or tomorrow morning! Elsie also got to meet her brothers today. They touched her fingers and toes and […]

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Lately, every day starts very early in the backyard. I sit on a yellow patio chair and I read and then a little later, I write. I sip coffee (yes, I have one cup of coffee while pregnant) and later Ryan joins me with the newspaper and I’m not even kidding you, there is a hummingbird right over there just now; a few feet from me, no lie. It is sticking its nectar syringe in tiny pink flowers with tiny wings batting in front of a red throat. I’m trying not to move. Maybe if I sit still long enough this beautiful moment won’t pass. Oh. There it went. Bye Bye Birdie. I think the same thing about my motherhood life right now–maybe if I sit still long enough, this moment of it will stay just as it is because it’s so good. Of course, that would mean staying pregnant forever and I’m not up […]

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the view from here

June 5, 2011

I don’t really even know what to say about this. Except that it makes my back hurt and I’m really excited for the person that’s in there to come out. *yaaaawn* P.S. I’m so grateful for all of your kind words on my last post. You people leave me as speechless as that large belly. Thank you for being you. (photo taken with the Droid Retro Camera app.)

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glass

June 3, 2011

I’m shocked that he remembers… Can we go in there, Mommy? Where? I want a sucker. Where do you get a sucker, I don’t understand? He’s pointing across the parking lot, to a strip mall. I look up to see the liquor store and my heart sinks to my feet. No, honey…we can’t go in there. Why? Because that’s a liquor store and I don’t drink alcohol anymore. Then he blows me away. Mommy, if you saw the wine in there, it would make you want to drink it? Yes. That’s true. It would. After that, maybe it was a rising up of things buried, of things I thought I had forgotten, heavy feelings of regret, I don’t know. But I could not stop crying. I drove and cried and remembered and even though it hurt, it’s good to remember so we don’t have to go back. They were so vivid, the memories of […]

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gaming

June 2, 2011

  Miles loves playing baseball more and more all the time. This makes his Daddy very very happy. He’ll sit on the couch, leaning into Daddy, asking all kinds of questions about the game, the Twins, how it all works. This makes Daddy very very happy. What’s even better is how happy it makes him. Give the boy Legos, a rousing game of hangman, and some time outside with a bat and ball and his Daddy and then he’s perfectly content. Well. I guess you have to throw in lots and lots of food to realize the full potential of his contentment, but you know what I mean. ::: This post is a part of You Capture at I Should Be Folding Laundry. Thank you, Beth.

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  Baby Girl, Your head is down low now and you’re curled along my right side, your little booty making a bump in my extended belly. Your legs are bent and your feet are always in my ribs. Sometimes you kick, sometimes you just let those tootsies rest and I forget there are feet in my ribs. I remember coming home with Miles and Asher after they were born and feeling so suddenly empty on the inside after being so full for so long.  Now it will be your turn to exit and I’ll adjust again and then you’ll be another person in this home who fills my life, not just my ribs or my side. I still can’t believe you’re a girl. I want to know what you’re like. I want to feel what my friends describe, this healing that having a girl brings.  I want to teach you things, the very few […]

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