36 weeks and writing to you

June 1, 2011

 

Baby Girl,

Your head is down low now and you’re curled along my right side, your little booty making a bump in my extended belly. Your legs are bent and your feet are always in my ribs. Sometimes you kick, sometimes you just let those tootsies rest and I forget there are feet in my ribs.

I remember coming home with Miles and Asher after they were born and feeling so suddenly empty on the inside after being so full for so long.  Now it will be your turn to exit and I’ll adjust again and then you’ll be another person in this home who fills my life, not just my ribs or my side.

I still can’t believe you’re a girl. I want to know what you’re like. I want to feel what my friends describe, this healing that having a girl brings.  I want to teach you things, the very few things that I know, and have you teach me all the things that you will bring with you. I want to help make sure those things stay there, this God- knowledge you’ll have inside you.  I want to help you keep it there, in your heart-gut, instead of allowing it to go quiet. I don’t know why, but it’s so easy for it to go quiet or get all confused with over-thinking or just…life.

I saw a dear friend for lunch yesterday and we talked about our grown-up mistakes. What was I thinking, she asked. And I said something about how we don’t know until we know. We just can’t. We learn the hard way and sometimes the lessons are really really hard ones. And sometimes that happens because of that squelched voice inside of us, the one we learn to ignore when it’s trying to send up flares and red flags. It goes BOOM BOOM BOOM and we go LA LA LA, like we’re totally fine when we’re not.

I’ll be there for you whether you listen or not, I want you to know that. I’ll try to understand and not force your changes. I know you need to live to learn how to keep listening to your voice.

So many times, as you grow, your head may be down low with the trying and sometimes failing and I hope you curl along my side for refuge and tell me all about it. And when you walk away I’ll feel empty again, every time; desperate to keep you close and safe in me and with me. Your birth in a few short weeks will be just the start of letting you go, so I plan to revel in your youngest days. The days that teach us how to need each other while we already start to learn to let go.

I love you. Already.

~Mama

{ 19 comments }

Jenn June 1, 2011 at 9:43 am

Oh this is so achingly beautiful. I love having girls, but it scares me to death. It’s made me do some serious healing and digging into the things of my past related to being a girl.

I love the shadow picture! I wish I had thought to do one of those!

Issa June 1, 2011 at 9:53 am

Absolutely beautiful letter to your daughter. :)
Issa recently posted..Monday…err Tuesday musings

Sara Bowyer June 1, 2011 at 10:32 am

so beautiful!!! And you are right, the birth is the start of letting go. But I am finding it is a lesson we learn for the rest of our lives!

Can’t wait to meet her!
Sara Bowyer recently posted..My first Sushi Party

Kazzy June 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Now that is one big belly. A belly full of love and scrumptiousness! You look very cute!
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Kristen @ Motherese June 1, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Sigh. Beautiful. Perfect.

(By the way, Baby Sister is almost four months old and I still can’t believe she’s a girl.)

xo
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..Heart-Shaped Box- A Mother’s Tale Part the First

Kim June 1, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Oh lady, I can’t wait for her to get here. I need to see my future daughter-in-law you know ;)

Having a daughter really IS magical, you will love it. It is hard though…

I love you.
Kim recently posted..We Keep Growing

Alecia @ Hoobing Family Adventures June 1, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I have tears in my eyes after reading this. We just had our second girl a month ago today and you articulate the feelings I feel every day so well. I am new to your blog and will definitely be coming back!! Good luck with everything!
Alecia @ Hoobing Family Adventures recently posted..Letter to Eloise at One Month

Heather June 1, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Nice to meet you, Alecia!

Ann June 1, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I don’t know which is more beautiful the picture or the letter.
Ann recently posted..I’m a little bit Terry Gross- and I’m a little bit rock and roll

Megan {Velveteen Mind} June 1, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Utterly love.

I thought I was so smart when I said we were done after our two boys. My daughter is a daily reminder of how little I know.

She will amaze you. She will tease out beauty in your boys, all of your boys, that you never imagined existed. So happy for you.
Megan {Velveteen Mind} recently posted..Spite the Sun

Jamie June 1, 2011 at 9:32 pm

so very, very beautiful.

Elaine June 1, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Oh won’t she just LOVE reading this someday! And seeing those pictures too. So much love for her already… :)
Elaine recently posted..Missing Things

Mr Lady June 1, 2011 at 10:34 pm

There is nothing like having a daughter. Nothing. I have two sons that are my ev.er.y.thing. and i cannot breathe without them and my daughter does something completely different to me, in my soul.

I rejoice for the discovery you both are about to experience.

lori peterson June 1, 2011 at 10:53 pm

You are such a gifted writer Heather! And what a gift to be having a daughter:=)
I voted for you today and will each day until the 15th!
PLEASE-on a day when you are pooped from poking footsies in your ribs and you are completely drained, call and let me bring you a meal! I want too:)
Or…should I just surprise you?

Alison@Mama Wants This June 2, 2011 at 12:26 am

What a gorgeous letter to your little girl, Heather. We, your readers, can’t wait to meet her either, your summer baby! x0
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molly June 2, 2011 at 9:39 am

I am new to your blog too. I found the link through moosh in indy. I’m glad I clicked on it. I started reading older posts and found that I could relate. I have two boys. I also have issues with addiction. Mainly self-medicating my mental illness for years.

Anyway, it’s good to “meet” you. Congrats on the impending arrival of your baby girl!
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Wendi June 2, 2011 at 2:41 pm

*melt*

So precious
Wendi recently posted..This makes me feel alot less like I am pretending

susannah June 2, 2011 at 4:13 pm

this is beautiful. oh, how much i love my daughters-mixed in with how i worry about what girl issues i will pass on to them. or ways they will be broken and bruised by the world. and then, they break into song or a smile, and my heart melts at their beauty and spirit, and i realize that it will be ok. ultimately, despite life’s crushing moments and bumps along the way, they will thrive & know they are loved and whole.

Kellyn June 4, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Excuse me while I get a tissue…

So many perfect words that speak so perfectly to what my daughter has meant to me, simply today! Each day leaves me in awe of her.

Seriously…cheesecake in August or something.
Kellyn recently posted..Home…at last

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