there you go with my heart: the start of the story

June 23, 2011

My Dad asked about postpartum depression yesterday. He asked when it usually sets in. I couldn’t clear my head to answer the question because I don’t sleep enough to have normal conversations. I don’t know exactly what I said, but what I meant was something like, “as soon as the baby comes out…or anytime after that. Or even while you’re still pregnant.”

I don’t know if it’s happening to me. Again. Maybe it is. It’s hard to tell without sleeping much at all.

What I do know is that this is hard and that I cry a lot. As much as I don’t want to cry, as much as I just want to constantly feel joy, that’s not my reality. Sometimes I cry because I sing to Elsie when she’s crying and I just can’t hold it back. I’m a horrible singer and I really really mean the words…

There you go with my heart, baby…there you go with my heart…I should have known from the start, baby…that there you’d go with my heart…

I am back in time, that’s how it feels sometimes, to when Asher struggled and struggled so much. And back in time is a scary place to be when I’m not sure I’ve gained the strength to do it differently this time, to experience it differently. To keep a different perspective, to live in acceptance, to revel, to not run from discomfort with wine or any other thing.

I’m only human. I still struggle with allowing myself to be just that. This was my third c-section and I’m 36 years old. Sometimes I forget that I’m simply in recovery, in so many ways.

I was talking to Ellie and we remembered how we used to handle things, before sobriety. We talked about how, in our pasts, the newborn phase was just a blur of anxiety and anger. That’s just the honest truth. With the boys, I resented not sleeping, not having energy, not having anything of my own…The truth is that I was so selfish, it took me a very long time to embrace the sacrifice that is motherhood. I embraced them, as people, but not the life I was living.

I’m working on forgiving myself for that while I’m fighting to not do it again. To keep my head from getting the best of my embracing motherhood heart. My mind so incessantly tries to steal my heart’s thunder.

:::

In the evenings, Elsie struggles. It carries on through the night–she’s restless and uncomfortable and is currently fighting off thrush. Ryan is with her so I can sleep a couple of hours before the true night and then he brings her to me when it’s time to eat. She’s generally crying, arching her back, her crumpled face is all I can see with my heart in the half-dark. So I cry too, while longing for sleep, my body aching in every way.  But mostly I cry because I want to fix it and right now I can’t.

Then in the daylight I struggle to locate any patience for the boys. I can’t have an argument about why we don’t put tape over our mouth and nose three times in a row in ten minutes. I just can’t. Then I kick myself as if I’m not trying hard enough.

Next I realize that we’ve already been through a lot and my humanity comes back to mind. Of course I’m tired, I’ll think–I didn’t get to be with Elsie when she was born and that took a toll on me. I was brought to see her at 3 in the morning…just put me in a wheelchair and take me to her. Please…


And they did and there she was, in the special care nursery, with an IV and oxygen, under the lights for warming, her tiny chest caving in and out with labored breaths.  I could hardly move, I could hardly think, but I could feel. They took down the side of her little box home so I could reach her and then they took her out and handed her to me and Ryan will tell the story forever…

She quieted. Her eyes opened and she stared up at me. Her breathing slowed to a peaceful pace and there we were.  We were okay. I felt more than human, in that moment.

 

This was the beginning of our story. And just think of it; that chapter is already gone.

In the next days, Elsie finally joined us in our hospital room…

The page we’re on right now will turn faster than I think it will, too. And then strangely enough I’ll want parts of it back, no matter how hard it can be.

This is family life–so overwhelmed with opposite clashing emotions. I just do the best that I can and sometimes I can’t even do that.

This. All of this. This is about surrender. I’m learning.

Each of my children have run off with my heart. Sometimes it’s like a tearing, in all the things I can’t control…and sometimes they make me more than I’ve ever been, as they surrender to their mother’s power to bring peace to their hard times.

Either way, I am all in pieces for the rearranging, and this is good.

 

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{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }

Suzanna June 23, 2011 at 11:46 am

This is beautiful. Thank you!

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molly June 23, 2011 at 11:58 am

Go easy on yourself. A third c-section with 2 young boys already? You’re not giving yourself enough credit.

Give it some time and if you still feel very tearful and emotional than I would call your doc ASAP.
molly recently posted..a tough conversation with my son

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Heather June 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Yes. It’s true. I’m good at “not enough credit” :)
And I do plan on allowing more time to pass. I wasn’t really saying I think I have postpartum depression…just thinking out loud. Of course, since I’ve been there before, I’ll keep an eye on myself. Right now, I’m just allowing the emotions and learning to surrender.

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Christine @ Coffees & Commutes June 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Forgive and love yourself if you can. This just is, and that’s okay. All of it. Lean into it, embrace it, don’t be afraid of it, because this is just how it is. Maybe, just maybe, this will help. I hope it does. Because fatigue is just hard to see past. And you are doing okay. The boys know that. You can only do what you can do. That’s okay too.
xoxo
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Heather June 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Your kind words always help, lady. And you’re so right. It just IS. I’m so grateful to have the last year and a half to have finally started learning to just lean in. I’m slow to master this, of course…but it’s so freeing to know.
xoxo

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krista June 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm

you took my breath away. i don’t know what else to say. you just have such a way with words, that pulls me in.

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Sherry June 23, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, and please know that we’re all sending YOU happy thoughts. I know a lot of your commenters say this, but sometimes I truly feel you take the thoughts right out of my own mind and write them here, but in such an elegant and beautiful way. The part about you holding her for the first time and her immediately calming just makes my mommy heart smile so big, she knew you instantly. The ups and downs of parenthood, it’s a crazy/scary/fun/heartbreaking/ ride, but most of us get right back in line the second the ride lurches to a halt. It’s the best ride of my life! :)

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Annette June 23, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I love your honesty, this post, and you. And your little acorn who’s no longer an acorn.
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Ann June 23, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I’ve been exhausted and angry too. Up four times last night with wet beds and a sick child. I don’t ever remember my mom being anything but compassionate in these moments, so on top of the exhaustion I’m beating myself up for my selfishness too.

But really? It’s good enough. We are good enough. And YOU my friend, YOU help me let go.
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Zakary June 23, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I think you are amazing.

xx-Zak

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Erin June 23, 2011 at 12:35 pm

I’m crying as I read this. The sacrifices we make for them are so big, yet come so naturally. Give yourself time, mama. It’s a hard road.

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melissa June 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm

hang in there. hang in there. hang in there. you are doing an amazing job – no matter what your mind tells you.
get some help – lots and lots of help. babysitters, friends, take-out, sign the boys up for some parent-not-required activities. whatever you have to do. not that you need my advice. please forgive me, it’s just that i have SO been where you are, and i didn’t let anyone help me, and i fell into a really dark place and I regret my time there with every ounce of my being. i’d do anything to go back and accept a little (lot) of help.
and go ahead and cry and fall apart – the newborn period is so so hard and you are recovering, and in a wash of hormones, so don’t feel guilty about it – there’s nothing to be done but hang in there. be as gentle with yourself as you are with her.
congratulations, by the way :)
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Heather June 23, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Thank you. Just thank you. I needed that.

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Steph @ Diapers and Divinity June 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm

This is beautiful, Heather. It IS hard. It just is. The whole experience is fraught with pain and sacrifice and smattered with tidbits of joy. The birth of a baby is the rebirth of everyone around that baby, the beginning of a new life and new circumstances that never existed before. So just as she struggles through her new nights, you do too. You’ll figure it out together. God will help. A lot. And it’s never wrong to seek the right kind of help wherever you can find it.
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Heather June 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

“The birth of a baby is the rebirth of everyone around that baby, the beginning of a new life and new circumstances that never existed before.”

Oh yes. I love how you said this. Thank you for being you, Steph.

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robin June 23, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say you’re having trouble putting sentences together (because you’re sleep deprived)…that was poetic and beautiful and thought provoking. I love your honesty in this post (and everything you do) about the sobriety and the depression and the hardness of it all. Life, motherhood, etc.

You are doing an amazing job, and newborn in the house or not, kids repeatedly asking about putting tape over their mouth is annoying. I get it. :-)

Congrats on a beautiful family, and prayers to you for some rest.

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SoberJulie June 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Thank God you’re crying. Thank God you are feeling emotions. Thank God that you’re being open about it. Thank God you’ve progressed.

We cannot control people (especially little new people), places or things but we can control our reactions and respond with love. Especially with ourselves.

I am so proud of you for “being where your hands are” and acknowledging how hard it is. I’m happy to hear you are finding joy in those small moments where you’re not overwhelmed.

I am here for you ANYTIME, keep your recovery going as well as you are right now and be kind to yourself my friend. Remember that when we’re weak, we have the tools to succeed and God is with us.

Blessings to you.

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Karen Duggan June 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Heather, you are an amazing mother ~~ the depth you feel when you sing to her is the proof in the pudding, puddin’! Hang in there, cry all the tears, and really feel the smiles when they come too. Sending love and hugs!!!
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amber June 23, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Oh, that face! I can see how she would tear your heart to pieces! Just go with it. Stay in the moment. Cry if you need to cry…and be patient with yourself. You’re going through a lot right now. No one expects you to be perfect – not even those boys you love so much!

I hope with all my heart that PPD doesn’t find you.
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Kristen @ Motherese June 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I get this. Every word. You are wise and brave to write it so honestly and beautifully. And you make me realize the truth that I am living too. It isn’t easy, but knowing that I’m not alone makes it less lonely.

Thank you for that, sweet lady. xo
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molly campbell June 23, 2011 at 2:55 pm

What a beautiful baby! I think I had postpartum depression with my first child, and didn’t know it. What you describe brings back memories. I send you love, strength, joy, and hugs! I was there when you announced your pregnancy! What a thrill! Rest as much as you can, and know how many of us are sending thoughts your way! xoxo molly
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molly campbell June 23, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Oh, and by the way, that first child GOT MARRIED last Saturday!
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Kim June 23, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Oh lady, you have me in tears over here. She just needed her Mama, that is all.

I know the blur/haze of which you speak. You need to give yourself at LEAST 6 weeks to physically heal. Your uterus is still about 5 lbs! My midwife told me that when Elliott was 2 weeks old and I really had no idea.

Slow down as much as you can. Breathe, breathe, breathe and know that everything is going to be okay.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to hurt and be sad and be confused at all these conflicting emotions.

I have some thoughts about the back arching cries…if you want to know what they are, email or call me. I am not going to give unwanted advice because I know how much I love that ;)

Love you my dearest. xoxo
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Sarah June 23, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I am sad that you feel that you were selfish for being anxious, frustrated, or angry before. I do not want you to feel guilt or shame for being sad or crying now. I think this the game. It just happens. I think this is when we cue ourselves to ask for help (I mean everyday help– like meals, or chores, or the chance to nap, but it could mean more) and we should never feel guilt or shame or that we are being selfish when we ask for help.
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JC June 23, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Thinking of you. And thinking you’re amazing. You’re doing it — you are — even when it feels not enough or not just right or not whatever. It is, and you are, and that is all.

prayers and hugs to you, Heather.

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Jenn June 23, 2011 at 5:13 pm

She is beautiful! Your heartfelt honesty in this post is such a gift to all mothers…and even those who aren’t it’s so hard to capture all the overwhelmingness of new life, no sleep, pain, joy all wrapped up together.

I just love her looking over the iv…”really?”…she doesn’t seem impressed with her little visit to the NICU! As a NICU nurse I just love those photos of babies saying “get me out of here!” so much personality so early. Love it.
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Trauma Mama June 23, 2011 at 5:49 pm

You are doing great! Hang in there.

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Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities June 23, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Oh, you, we have so much to talk about. Certainly too much for me to fit into a tidy blog comment box like this one. I will write you a long and rambling email as soon as I find the time and energy :)

xox

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Terri June 23, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Oh my…the statement about embracing the sacrifice (and trying not be selfish)…I honestly had no idea that I was feeling this way until I read this and realized that this is exactly what I’m dealing with right now. Embracing the sacrifice of the life I am living is going to become a new focus for me-not just the motherhood part, but the wife part, the working mom part, the human being part. Awesome. Thank you.

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Cheairs Redefining Typical June 23, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Your honesty. Your beautiful words. Your tears. Your fears and your hope. You weave it all together. As I read your words I can feel the pain behind your eyes from your yearning for sleep and from your tears. Every word brings back an emotion that I have felt or still feel.
So please know that you are not alone. The people who read your blog may be miles and oceans away from you, but they hold you. They circle around you. They care about you. They are holding their hand out to you. People who you know and people that you don’t know and will never meet. They are holding you.
Let people help you. I have learned in my recovery to accept help. By accepting help I am transformed. I receive Grace. I have learned to say, “YES” when people ask if they can help. I have learned to pick up that phone and ask for help. Because if I don’t ask for help then I will break, and I can’t break.
So take the meals, let someone coordinate taking the boys on outings, let your friends clean your house and do your laundry. People want to help and it is a gift to let them help you.
You help us every day with your beautiful and most amazing words. So my pray my hope for you is that you will take any hand that is given to you and that you will extend your hand for help. It will form a circle. I promise. I circle that will not be broken. Just like one of my favorite camp songs, “May the circle be unbroken by and by Lord by and by”
Your blog has been a part of my circle bringing me support and helping it not to break. So I thank you for that gift!!
ps. Baby Elsie is just beautiful!!
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suburbancorrespondent June 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

It’s okay, really it is. Even without the sobriety issues, each time I had a baby was like my world was falling apart into pieces and then slowly being reassembled. One time it was ppd, but the other 5 times? It was just an adjustment to a new normal. Practice loving patience with yourself first; then it is easier with the boys.

If Elsie’s poops are a sort of light green and frothy, her discomfort might stem from a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. The solution is to keep her on one breast for 3 hours straight – no switching. If the poops are a darker green and no froth, she may be allergic to proteins that are sneaking into your milk. Sometimes (if it isn’t a true allergy), you can solve the problem by taking digestive enzymes with your meals. Otherwise, you should think about cutting out any foods she might be allergic to for a day or two and see if it helps.

Good luck!
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Jill June 23, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I know this has become a place for you to write it all out, but for some reason this one really captured me. Maybe because I’ve been there and in many ways still am there…

My two little cents: Accept as much help that is offered and remind yourself 1,000 times a day that it won’t be this hard forever.

I don’t comment or talk to you often, but I follow regularly and you amaze me Heather in so many ways! Praying for you, especially at night as I know it is when I became “dragon lady” (self named, but my husband has never disagreed!;)). Good night sweet mama!

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Elizabeth @claritychaos June 23, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Oh, your honesty is just so moving, Heather. I wish you all peace in these transitional days (weeks, months).
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Els Manning June 23, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Congratulations… And ha ha what a lovely name… :)
Stay strong.
And keep looking for the special moments. This will be over , and you’ll be laying awake in bed wondering how her date is… And if she is having a good time. It passes in a blink.
Enjoy.

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Sarah from The Will to See June 23, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Heather, I hope you are able to relax and just breathe a bit, you just had a baby. I can completely relate to the fear and anxiety you are feeling looking at your new baby and thinking about your previous experience.

My oldest son had severe reflux and a milk protein intolerance that ultimately lead to him being tube fed for 2.5 years. The first 4.5 months of his life were a blur of crying, sleepless nights, fighting to get him to eat, watching him scream and cry not being able to help and having most doctors discount our situation because he was “a chunky baby.” Finally when he wasn’t eating enough to keep himself hydrated the doctors decided intervention was necessary.

It took my husband and I three years to even talk about having another baby. When our second child was born (via C-section, so I have also had to recover from two) we couldn’t help but go right back to that same place. As our luck would have it he had the same milk protein intolerance, which showed up the night we went home from the hospital. So I was unable to breastfeed either of my boys. Anytime he would have a feeding hiccup I would immediately jump to the conclusion that he was going to end up with a feeding tube up his nose too.

I had to learn that just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will happen again, but suffering from postpartum depression doesn’t help that situation.
Please find support whichever way is appropriate for you. And remember as my husband says the first six months completely suck. It will get better.

She is beautiful and your boys look like they are going to make great big brothers.

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Deb @ San Diego Momma June 23, 2011 at 11:18 pm

You bring me back. I remember all of it. You’re in the moment(s) and that’s what counts…even when you’re crying.

And she is beautiful.
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Jen P June 24, 2011 at 6:45 am

You are doing this so well Heather. Your words are an inspiration to me. How you talk about how hard it is and the ironic ness that is knowing how it stinks but yet you will long for it again some day. So true. God Bless you as you go through these first few weeks with new baby and 2 littles. You can do it and its wonderful for us that you do it REAL.

Much love and many prayers for you today.

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manish2010 June 24, 2011 at 8:33 am

Oh! Heather how you explained all the story with your so expressive words,it makes me cry,you have touched so many hearts from your soulful explanations i am sure about that.I salute your truthfulness your innocence and the way to express yourself in front of the world.This is a common feeling for every mother but everyone don’t have that courage to be in like you,to face it like you and last but not the least to express it like you.You are so strong women from inside and that is why i always admire you and your thoughts.My all wishes are always with you and Elsie.
THANK YOU and GOD BLESS
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Heather June 24, 2011 at 8:53 am

When I wrote this post, I almost added “and things will change so fast, by tomorrow, this post won’t even apply” (or something like that). Well, I don’t think they’ll change THAT fast…but already, we had a different night. So I wanted to say thank you because I believe in the power of people who love you thinking of you and praying for you.

Elsie had no scream fest as usual last night. Just BOOM. Nothing. She did have a little trouble sleeping, acting like she’s uncomfortable, but for the most part, we had a better night. Such is the roller coaster, eh? :)

And to each of you who mentioned PPD or feeling sad that I’m feeling this way, I want you to know that I really am okay. What I’m experiencing now is simply normal…a hormonal tidal wave…if it continues, I’ll get help. Truly. I wrote about forgiving myself and kicking myself, but I’m not swallowed by that. I’m simply working on accepting me and this stage without so much judgment of it…or me.

Lastly, you know this, most likely, but whatever my roller coaster emotions are, I’m happy. Even when I’m sad. I’m SO into Elsie. :) And my boys, of course.

Thank you again for all of your words of encouragement. It continues to humble and inspire me that you care about this EO family.

xoxo

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designhermomma June 24, 2011 at 9:07 am

I relate to the good and bad in this post. The hard times and the joyful ones. Being a human is just hard, especially a postpartum one. You and the EO family are in my heart.
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Nicole @ Rare Bird June 24, 2011 at 9:17 am

Heather, as usual, your “sharing your heart” is beautiful and healing. My own little one was a 26 weeker and it was WEEKS before she was stable enough to hold, so I can relate to that horrible disconnect and the beautiful peace that came when she was finally in my arms. I echo the others’ wisdom they have shared about being gentle and patient with yourself, and also add to keep talking, writing and gushing. That’s the stuff, baby. The healing mess. Love to you guys today.
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Heather June 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

I really don’t know how you did it, Nicole. I thought so much of parents with preemies while Elsie was away from us at the hospital. I can’t imagine being in that situation for weeks or months. You are a truly strong mama!
Thank you for your words…”the healing mess” – yes. It’s a beautiful mess. :)

Happy weekend to you,
Heather

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Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) June 24, 2011 at 10:16 am

Just wanted to say that you are doing an amazing job. I couldn’t do it. I had a hard time with a c-section and one very quiet easy baby. I hope you give yourself as much credit as we all do.

Love you so lady. and LOVE the honesty.
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Adventures In Babywearing June 24, 2011 at 11:01 am

The muscle memory gets me everytime- but if the heart is a muscle, why is it always so hard and traumatic? I’m right around those parts now and I don’t even have a newborn. We are at Children’s today for what should be a very routine EEG but still, it’s been a long time since I’ve had to face this part of my life. It’s not coming easy. I mean my body goes here
And somehow I managed to drive the car here but the rest of me is somewhere else seeking shelter and safety.

Love to you. I can’t wait to see the rest of your story play out. You are an assistant to many of us and our own recoveries (in all their many shapes and sizes), more than you probably know.

Steph
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Pam @writewrds June 24, 2011 at 2:23 pm

It’s so quite wonderful and wrenching. I’m cheering you on!
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Marisa June 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm

You are tearing me up, girl! I was right where you are a few short months ago. Now my sweet boy is peacefully slumbering in my arms as I type this. I thought I would never find our new normal, but here it is and it is so beautiful. It’s not easy and I’m far from perfect, but somehow God chose to bless this undeserving momma in amazing ways!
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Ellie June 24, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Oh, my friend. How I long to come wrap my arms around you. How I wish I could be there to wipe tears away, even at 3am. You are constantly in my thoughts.

I remember so well the knot I would get in my stomach every night around 10pm, when Steve had to go to sleep so he could function at work, and my long haul through the dark hours was just beginning. It is so, so hard.

I see the perspective you have, even through all the hard-ness, the ability to look down on the whole situation from somewhere above, knowing it will pass even as the minutes pass like centuries.

But OH. I know. It’s so hard. This sentence is one of the best things I’ve ever seen written about how it all feels:

“My mind so incessantly tries to steal my heart’s thunder.”

Hang in there, my friend. I love you.

-xoxoxo

-Ellie
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punkinmama June 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I’d stand up and applaud, but I’m too busy wiping the tears away. This was beautiful. And something I really needed to read tonight. Thank you.
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Arianne June 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

I could relate to every single word. I pray that this forthcoming postpartum time isn’t the same for me as my past ones have been, but I learn from you here. On how to forgive and surrender and feel.

Thoughts and love and prayers for you, babe. <3
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TheKitchenWitch June 25, 2011 at 1:03 pm

So many things coming right back as I read this. Miss M. was in NICU, in the little rotisserie cooker thingy, and it was so awful not having her with me or to be able to hold her as soon as she was born. And then the drugs and the hormones ran their course and I couldn’t stop crying. I had to go home without her, and that was awful. I thought that was the worst thing ever. But then she came home and had to be fed every 2 hours and I hated myself because I wished her back in the cooker thingy because I was so damn overwhelmed.

As for PPD, I don’t even know when it kicked in. I just know that one day, I felt better, and then I realized, “Holy Shit. I was SO not okay.” It was a terrifying thing to face.

You are navigating new territory, and just the fact that you’re aware of the struggle and the hard and the different is going to help you through. I believe that.

I’m sure you’re getting advice from everyone and from everywhere, so I won’t give any, except to say: get that morning shower. That morning shower is key.

I love you.
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Carrie June 25, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Oh, so hard. I struggled with PPD after my son was born & when my daughter came along 2 yrs later I was terrified of it happening again – my hormones were so whacked out I couldn’t sleep for about 3 days after she was born & I thought, “I’m doing it again, I’m losing my mind, it’s going to happen again…” that was all I could think all night long. But then it got better. And I can’t imagine dealing with the C-section and two active boys on top of a new baby – my 3rd is due in four weeks, and I am reminding myself each day of how much I need to be praying for strength now to make it through with 3 littles. I will pray for you as well & I’m so proud of you, for how far you’ve come in everything. :)
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laura @ Hollywood Housewife June 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I know this part is so hard. We’re cheering for you.
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Silvana June 26, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Heather,

I love the the part of your story where sweet little Elsie quieted, opened her eyes and looked at her Mama! Absolutely beautiful.

It’s been 14 years since I had my sweet girl, my second child. There was so much sweetness mixed with just plain HARD times. She was collicky and the one memory that stands out in my mind from that time was one particular afternoon. She had begun her daily 3 hr cry and everything in me wanted to run the other way. But, (it MUST have been the nudge of God), the thought came to me that this dear child, though extremely agitating with her nonstop crying, needed me. Needed ME. And the thought that got me through was this: This time will soon be gone, and what a precious opportunity I have to COMFORT this sweet little girl. At that moment, caring for her through the trial of it all felt just a wee bit easier—even though I still had to struggle against and resist the selfishness that constantly welled up in me. I’m not sure if the two were tied together—her crying and the ensuing PPD. Maybe it was the fact that I also had a two year old active little boy pulling at me, along with everything else(?) I don’t know.

All this to say that I have an idea of what you are experiencing right now. I pray God will give you as much GRACE as you need for each moment. And, if you do find yourself with PPD and need someone who can relate, feel free to email.

Praying God’s best for you all!

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Jenn June 27, 2011 at 11:10 am

This took my breath away! It reminded me so much of when my children were newborns. Love this and the picture you painted with your words.
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deb June 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Can I just say I wished that you lived closer.
I’d walk the halls all night for you. I would.

you will be okay. and then you won’t . and then a smile will make you forget and you will begin again. because that ‘s what love is.
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melanie June 27, 2011 at 10:11 pm

{sigh}. Great post. I have a 2-month old, baby #5, and I’m right there with conflicting emotions. I was convinced before she arrived, that I would savor every newborn moment, before it was gone…but then I was too tired to savor it, or somebody spilled something, or somebody wanted a story, or needed to go to the bathroom, etc. :) That’s life, and I am blessed, no matter if it’s not ‘perfect.’

That’s great what Deb said…you forget and begin again. Too true.

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Elaine June 29, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I want to say that it will get easier with every day because I really FEEL like it will. But of course I don’t know that for sure. But I will say that you are doing the best you can and for now that is good enough. Love and hugs, my friend.

And that last photo is so beautiful. Mother and daughter, just precious…
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