December 2011

underneath

December 30, 2011

under my surface I harbor a great fear like there’s a meteor on its way to earth headed right for our home it shines like it’s beautiful and we reach for so many things that twinkle to destruct so take my hand you’re still the one my soul loves and maybe we need to duck and cover bob and weave but we are underneath it all while meteors fly through the sky and what should we grasp? we don’t know what we’re doing just trenching maybe all of it and then even more ignites beauty and some will destruct but no matter we are cared for at every aching end so take my hand.    

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between

December 28, 2011

The boys went to the neighbor’s house to play at the same time that Elsie fell asleep. At a (very rare) time like this I try to decide what I’m going to get done.  I start by throwing in a load of laundry and then today, I randomly dusted two rooms. Then I ate a peanut butter and chocolate Christmas tree and packed away a few ornaments. All of this took less than a half an hour and so I sit down expecting time to write. Now I hear Elsie starting to chatter baby chatter from her crib. So I’m typing as fast as I can before the chatter turns to cries. First the garbled adorable chatter, then the fussing, then the crying. I usually show up somewhere in between.   Lately I’m living in more acceptance of this stage of parenting.  Sure, it helps that Elsie isn’t crying anymore but I don’t think that’s the only […]

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If you were on the ball and wrote a Just Write post for this week, I apologize. I’m just completely unable to set up the linky code and write a post. (One word. Christmas.) (So. Good.) BUT. Next week, we’ll be back at it, so save your draft? Please? For now, I leave you with this…     You’re welcome. xoxo

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house guests

December 22, 2011

Did you know anxiety can be like an unwanted house guest? The kind that completely randomly shows up and doesn’t even really have a reason and then does things to hurt you? And you can stand there and wonder, Why did I feel so good yesterday or one hour ago and now this? It seems to hit me during down times, when it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Maybe it’s a build up from all the stressful moments and then POW! This uninvited guest seems to only get the hint to leave in two ways (No, one of them is not Xanax. I wish.) (Read: I am an addict and would probably eat Xanax like I do marshmallow Peeps so I can’t have any.) (Because I eat A LOT of marshmallow Peeps.) (Hello! Sugar addiction!) Anyway. #1 – HUMOR #2 – GRATITUDE I know. I know. If you struggle with anxiety/depression too, […]

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Just Write ~ the 15th

December 19, 2011

{Note: Just Write will take a break next week, December 27 and return on January 3rd}   Ryan is way on the other side of the house and I can hear him on the phone. He’s a loud-talker, my husband. He’s right by the boys’ room but they don’t wake easily at all. Mike and Molly is on and Elsie is sleeping, too. We can’t loud-talk near her though, she’s not such a solid sleeper yet. Maybe she won’t ever be, like her mother. There are little piles everywhere. Teacher gifts, bows and wrapping, bags with gifts in them and then the usual suspects, like bills and other grown-up paperwork. Sometimes I look around and wonder who all of this belongs to because I don’t very often feel like a grown up. 36 and a half years have gone by and still I’m a kid. I was driving to another store tonight, looking […]

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in the big woods

December 19, 2011

  This picture is from like two weeks ago. You know, when I should have been focusing on Christmas to-do lists, but was instead just walking around Target aimlessly, not buying anything. Now I’m all stressed and I wish Christmas didn’t have to be that way and sure I do a lot of it to myself by procrastination but it also seems like even if I do some things ahead of time, the lists just keep adding stuff to themselves. (yes, I realize that’s a hugely confusing run-on sentence but I’m too tired to change it.) I wish this season was more like it was on the prairie. You know, with the Ingalls, in the little house. Just candy and a violin and some food to make the whole family overjoyed. No hustle and bustle, just a cozy fire and some singing and tradition. Anyway. I love Christmas. I really do. I especially […]

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Elsie update

December 14, 2011

I was grocery shopping when the nurse called about the CT scan. I was with Elsie, in the produce section and she was sleeping and OH how I felt that feeling like you’re floating around yourself, watching. The nurse said that the CT WAS NORMAL and I cried right there in front of the other shoppers. As the janitor at my college always said, PRAISE-A-LUJAH-TO-YA. I nearly woke Elsie up to tell her but then I remembered that she doesn’t speak very much English yet. So I just stared at her and let carts go by me. Then I went to get milk and bread and all the usual things. The usual things are good. Thank you so much for surrounding us with so much love and support again. How many ways can I say thank you? I wish there were more words. Thank you. Oh! An explanation of sorts, as far as I can tell? You […]

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Just Write ~ The 14th

December 12, 2011

I woke up out of the habit of a lot of waking up and looked at the clock. 5:48. I rolled over, back to the dream I already can’t remember. Then came the shuffle of Miles’ morning entrance, the way I can feel him there even if I don’t hear him. 5:53. I really thought it had been at least a half an hour since I dozed off again. We last got Elsie back to sleep at 4 something. But 19 minutes after Miles came in, she was crying. I picked her up and she didn’t stop so I sat down with her and we rocked in the squeaking leather chair. Her brother wandered off to watch something on TV but suddenly he was in the next room, trying to get a butter knife out of the drawer. Loud. Clanging. Banging. On a Nutella mission. I couldn’t call out for him to be quiet for the […]

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quiet

December 11, 2011

I don’t say it all here. Sometimes life goes along with you on your way, missing the landmines, and other times it’s like something is pushing you right into one after another all at one time and that’s what has been happening for us…boom boom boom boom…it’s been that way for a while now. There is so much Life on my heart, I just don’t even know what to do. Sometimes I just need to to sit and cry about it all and then remember that it’s okay to say it’s too hard and too much, and then not feel like I’m weaker than the rest. That’s a lie. I’m not weaker than the rest. I just think I am too much of the time. For now all I can do is move through the days that are like quicksand while I do my best not to analyze how I do it all. I am […]

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paint the walls

December 9, 2011

It’s Friday and do you know what that means? My husband will come home from a work trip to Texas and find out how cold Minnesota has gotten. He’ll also walk through the door and then I’ll fall on the ground and roll around for a while. What a week, friends. If I added up the hours of sleep I’ve gotten the entire time, it might might equal about one night’s worth. (cry you a river) So let’s just say I’m relieved that it’s Friday and I’m going to get through today with all of its Things. I’m going to do that by coloring the walls. I hope. Heather, what do you mean, coloring the walls? Good question. I’m over at Just Be Enough today to tell you that the walls are closing in and so are yours and what should we do? Well, try to paint, of course. See you there.  

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and there was a party

December 8, 2011

Both Sara Sophia and Steph shared this video and I just couldn’t help myself–I had to pass it on, too. Miles watched it so closely. I stood behind him holding Elsie and she watched it and I’ll show Asher later. He was sleeping at the time. Just so you know, I cried. I guess I just needed a dose of Real Christmas and this just felt so true and good. The kids in this video…ohmyheart… Enjoy! He has two Daddys…God and Jonas. LOL.

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Just Write ~ The 13th

December 5, 2011

Thousands of thoughts race through my head every day and I’d guess 80% or more have something to do with mothering–what I’m doing, how I’m doing it–critically thinking, judging myself, measuring and sitting certain that I’m coming up short. A lot of those thoughts have been about Miles lately, his difficult adjustment to school and his new way of being as a result. What to do, what not to do, where I’ve gone wrong, where I’m sure to go wrong because I’m only one me and there’s just not enough time to work and work at it. I used to think I’d be able to mother a certain way, imagining all kinds of time to sit and talk and nurture and talk some more. It turns out there’s so very little time for that, at least right now. Ryan is gone this week and my sister brought us homemade chicken noodle soup. So the boys and I, we broke […]

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memories captured

December 5, 2011

It was just Mommy and Asher, making a trip to the grocery store. I was playing Sara Groves and she sang, it’s a sweet sweet thing, standing here with you and nothing to hide. Light shining down to the very inside… sharin’ our secrets, barin’ our souls, helping each other come clean. He asked, Why does she say…sharing secrets? (this is when I had some rapid-fire mommy thoughts of how to explain the point of the song so a four year old could understand.) I told him that it always feels best to tell the truth, even if you have a secret about something you’ve done that you think you could never tell. I asked him if, when he sneaks something he’s not supposed to and then he tells me about it, he feels better. He said, without hesitation, YES. Yeah, it’s about that. It just feels better to not keep things inside, even […]

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maybe it’s true

December 2, 2011

A big part of the reason that I blog is that I feel so un-heard so much of the time. Maybe that’s sad, but it’s just true. Every mother repeats herself far too many times before someone finally listens. It’s just part of the deal. The most lovely Erin said something that runs through my head every day, at least a few times, each day. It went something like this: I could martyr away nine lives and no one would come to even one funeral. The truth is, I martyr a lot. It’s like an old habit. Maybe much like drinking or smoking or eating too much. The pathways in my brain are all stomped down with sighs. I so easily tromp on through the same wooded incline, begging to be seen. So I could go on and on and on right now about how hard the last weeks have been, months really. […]

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