December 11, 2011

I don’t say it all here.

Sometimes life goes along with you on your way, missing the landmines, and other times it’s like something is pushing you right into one after another all at one time and that’s what has been happening for us…boom boom boom boom…it’s been that way for a while now. There is so much Life on my heart, I just don’t even know what to do. Sometimes I just need to to sit and cry about it all and then remember that it’s okay to say it’s too hard and too much, and then not feel like I’m weaker than the rest. That’s a lie. I’m not weaker than the rest. I just think I am too much of the time.

For now all I can do is move through the days that are like quicksand while I do my best not to analyze how I do it all. I am starved of joy when I insist on being so critical of my every move.

Where is the off switch for my mind? I’ve been looking all my life.


Elsie has a CT scan on Tuesday. We are believing that she’s okay even though her head circumference took a big leap from its own curve in the last few months. Her brother does have a genetic type of hydrocephalus so there has always been a chance, ever so small…so of course there is fear–I am her mother. I am sitting still with all the noise around me and I am too tired to know what I need but I know I need to be with her every second even though I so badly need rest.

Just when I think I cannot take one more thing, I am wrong. And I’m just really tired, friends. Really tired.


Many of you have been around since Asher’s diagnosis and surgery and then have followed all the parts of our lives with its up and downs ever since. Thank you. You have come to witness and to be watchful, faithful friends. I remember exactly what it felt like to have so many people thinking of us and praying for us through all of our things. Our life things. I could feel it. We have felt lifted by you. We feel lifted by you. If you’re newer here and you took the time to read this, you are joining in with the most loving people, you should know that. I am so grateful for each of you. Thank you.

Please send out those thoughts and prayers for us again. We need them. I need them. I have no quiet right now.



christine December 11, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I am relatively new here, but am sending prayers to you all! Even someone you don’t know cares deeply!!
christine recently posted..Making time for me

Suzanne December 11, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Heather, I am thinking of you and your family and especially your beautiful girl.
Suzanne recently posted..My Week(58) in iPhone Photos

Kate December 11, 2011 at 6:10 pm

I will be thinking of you – you know I always am. My sister friend, my EJ twin.

lissa December 11, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Thinking of you and your babes, hon. xo!
lissa recently posted..more than us

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity December 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Oh Heather, I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. Mother fear is the worst kind.

Matthew 11:28
John 14:27
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity recently posted..GCBC Week 11: “It Is Better to Look Up” by Elder Carl B. Cook, and “The Songs They Could Not Sing” by Elder Quentin L. Cook

Ann December 11, 2011 at 7:13 pm

You both have not left my mind this weekend. Praying for some relief.
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nic @mybottlesup December 11, 2011 at 7:15 pm

oh friend, yes, i had just become a reader of your blog when asher was diagnosed. lighting a candle for your family tonight and praying for peace and rest… for body and mind.
nic @mybottlesup recently posted..NO MORE BAIL FOR SANDUSKY

Chrysanthemama December 11, 2011 at 7:27 pm

“I am starved of joy when I insist on being so critical of my every move.”
Thank you for putting into words what I have been struggling with this fall and winter. My husband is deployed right now and I am home with our three, feeling critical and sad and unworthy of these little ones God’s placed in my care. Just Write~The 13th brought me to tears… so convicting. Praying for you and all that you are treading through right now.
Chrysanthemama recently posted..1000 Gifts: 111-117

Sabrina December 11, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I’ll be praying for you guys and little Elsie.
Sabrina recently posted..Hurray for Friday!

Jade @ Tasting Grace December 11, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Thinking of you, and hoping your fears turn out to be unfounded. xoxo
Jade @ Tasting Grace recently posted..a meditation in humility

Tooje December 11, 2011 at 9:31 pm

I know through your blog and your sharing you have gained so many friends. You’ve been so open and honest with your writing and your life, you can and need to find peace with Life as it comes at you. It’s just life…it’s just a day…it’s just an hour. They all pass and then we wish we had them back.

What you’ve gone through with Asher will make anything you experience (which is hopefully nothing more at all) with baby E cake. Just cake. You’ll wade through it like a summer stroll through a creek. Deep breaths, lots of kisses, and stopping to smile. Please stop to smile, Heather.

Thinking of you and that silly overactive head of yours often.
Tooje recently posted..Funny Faces Friday

molly December 11, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I’m sorry, Heather. I’ll be thinking of you and your sweet girl. It’s okay. Just let it all out. We’ll listen :)
molly recently posted..Yeah, sorry about that.

Jamie December 11, 2011 at 10:13 pm

praying <3
Jamie recently posted..Christmas Cookies: A Story In Pictures

tracy@sellabitmum December 11, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Thinking about you, sweet friend. xo
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Galit Breen December 11, 2011 at 10:28 pm

oh my chart is with you, sweet friend.


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Galit Breen December 11, 2011 at 10:29 pm

{chart, would be heart. oy}
Galit Breen recently posted..Sesame Street Live –Elmo Makes Music– Minnesota Ticket Giveaway

Kim December 12, 2011 at 9:21 am

Oh lady, I am sorry. It is scary and hard and not fair and often downright not fun. Praying for you and your cute family. praying for quiet to come soon.
Kim recently posted..He’s Getting Nothing for Christmas

nicole December 12, 2011 at 10:21 am

Oh gosh. I will be praying. Of course there is fear. How could there not be? Praying that all is totally fine, and that if it is not that it all will be.
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Kelly @ Love Well December 12, 2011 at 11:02 am

My friend. :-(

For what it’s worth, I rarely read one of your posts without praying for you and your family. It’s my life lens. I will be fighting on your behalf today, asking God to shine brilliant through the cloud of discouragement and the fog of exhaustion.

You are not alone.

Wendy December 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

I’m one of the newer ones…just wanted to let you know that I’m adding Elsie and you and your family to my prayer list. Prayers for peace and rest and good news to come.

Jayme December 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Sending prayers and love and well wishes to you and Elsie and your whole beautiful family. Hoping quiet and peace settle in soon.
Jayme recently posted..Toddler Logic, or How My 16 Month Old Outsmarted Me

dearabbyleigh December 12, 2011 at 12:49 pm

sweet EJ and all at the EO. holding you in my heart this week.
dearabbyleigh recently posted..checked baggage

TheKitchenWitch December 12, 2011 at 1:13 pm

You know it. We’re here.
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Tiffany December 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Thinking of you. xoxo
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Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) December 12, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Oh Sweetheart!
I’m sending many hugs and positive healthy thoughts to you.
I’m also giving you a nap and a cookie.

Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) recently posted..Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Adventures In Babywearing December 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Yes, praying. I observe Ivy with a watchful eye and hold my breath. Once we get past age 3 we are “out of the trenches” of the kids having what Noah had. It’s hard to even imagine it again. Hope all is well.

Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..Holidays in Grand Rapids

Renee Schuls-Jacobson December 12, 2011 at 5:06 pm

You are making my heart hurt. *weep* Be gentle with yourself. It’s such a busy time of year, and you have so much real stuff going on. Please keep us posted.

Sara December 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace. Thank you for such a heartfelt post.
Sara recently posted..13 miles and 13 years of friendship

Amy @ Never-True Tales December 12, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I have been looking for that off switch my whole life too, friend. My hope for you today is that you can find momentary rest…maybe a soft spot to lie, blankets over you, or a sweet something to eat, while sipping something warm. Just something. Anything.
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..A few of my favorite things

Jeff James December 12, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Just prayed for you and the family Heather.
When the storms come, my first refuge is in Psalm 46:10,
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
Reading the chapter in context is more helpful.

I was reminded in a message over the weekend of Romans 8:28 : And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Although we can’t see anything good coming out of a current storm it is sometimes easier to see that truth, to look back a few years later and say “If it wasn’t for that (…) I wouldn’t be (…)
Praying that God will relieve this stressful time with some good news for you.

Marta December 12, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Sending lots of prayers to your family!
Marta recently posted..The Soliloquy of Motherhood.

Fiona December 12, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Yes, we are here. My kids too. Journey is shared with you Heather. x

Megan at SortaCrunchy December 12, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I am praying. So, so much.
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MidnightCafe December 12, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Thinking of you & praying hard!!
MidnightCafe recently posted..One Thousand Gifts – the 3rd post

Michelle December 12, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I know all too well the feeling of something being wrong going on with a child, and not knowing exactly what. It is torture. Keep breathing. Someone gave me advice recently to try to think of the best case scenario, rather than the worst. I wish the best case scenario for your children.

Nicole @ Rare Bird December 12, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Sending you lots of love and hope tonight. Keep sharing…we will keep listening!
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Amber December 12, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Praying, praying, praying…that’s all. Just praying.
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Rach (DonutsMama) December 12, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Sending you many prayers for your beautiful girl.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Remind Me

Elaine December 12, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Thinking of you and hugging you, you know from afar. Wishing I could in person, my friend. Many prayers too… xo

krista December 13, 2011 at 12:56 am

it’s tuesday and i’m thinking about you and your babes right now. sitting here with the christmas lights. i am sending you love. and light. and quiet.
krista recently posted..twenty years

anymommy December 13, 2011 at 1:11 am

Of course, of course, of course. Sending you it all, love, quiet, joy, peace, and perfect health for your beautiful little girl.

Arianne December 13, 2011 at 11:24 am

you should know i watch river and wonder if she will be our first non-spectrum child. she has these sensitivities that make me violent with impatience to know more. i resent not knowing more. your patience is palpable even when you don’t feel it. you are strong even when you don’t believe it. you’ll be glorious in your steadfastness, no matter what happens. love you.
Arianne recently posted..Come See The River

Erin December 13, 2011 at 11:50 am

I’m praying. This stuff is so scary.
Erin recently posted..Light for the Holidays

hyacynth December 13, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Heather, may the God who hears us when we cry and laugh, sustain you through this time of uncertainty. Lord, that you would hold Heather and Elsie and their family in your arms. That you would be might Healer we know you are if there is healing that needs to be done. That you would cover this family with peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for them. Thank you for your Son. And thank you for the way they both intersect and merge. Amen.
hyacynth recently posted..Just Write: Constant

Heather December 13, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Thank you so much, each of you, for coming ’round the EO and for finding room in your lives to read and then send us so much love. I appreciate it more muchly than I can say.

We got great news after the CT scan today. Elsie is fine. The scan showed no signs of hydrocephalus or any other problems.

We are so relieved. And tired. And relieved.

Thank you again. Your friendship is just so uplifting.


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