I don’t say it all here.
Sometimes life goes along with you on your way, missing the landmines, and other times it’s like something is pushing you right into one after another all at one time and that’s what has been happening for us…boom boom boom boom…it’s been that way for a while now. There is so much Life on my heart, I just don’t even know what to do. Sometimes I just need to to sit and cry about it all and then remember that it’s okay to say it’s too hard and too much, and then not feel like I’m weaker than the rest. That’s a lie. I’m not weaker than the rest. I just think I am too much of the time.
For now all I can do is move through the days that are like quicksand while I do my best not to analyze how I do it all. I am starved of joy when I insist on being so critical of my every move.
Where is the off switch for my mind? I’ve been looking all my life.
Elsie has a CT scan on Tuesday. We are believing that she’s okay even though her head circumference took a big leap from its own curve in the last few months. Her brother does have a genetic type of hydrocephalus so there has always been a chance, ever so small…so of course there is fear–I am her mother. I am sitting still with all the noise around me and I am too tired to know what I need but I know I need to be with her every second even though I so badly need rest.
Just when I think I cannot take one more thing, I am wrong. And I’m just really tired, friends. Really tired.
Many of you have been around since Asher’s diagnosis and surgery and then have followed all the parts of our lives with its up and downs ever since. Thank you. You have come to witness and to be watchful, faithful friends. I remember exactly what it felt like to have so many people thinking of us and praying for us through all of our things. Our life things. I could feel it. We have felt lifted by you. We feel lifted by you. If you’re newer here and you took the time to read this, you are joining in with the most loving people, you should know that. I am so grateful for each of you. Thank you.
Please send out those thoughts and prayers for us again. We need them. I need them. I have no quiet right now.