Just Write {56}

October 8, 2012

I have a plan, she says. Oh good, I love plans. What is it?

I’m going to be an arm chair psychic and have my own television show. I know I’m psychic because I was thinking of a friend and then he called me. 

We laughed a lot, at this. Yes, yes. Another great plan. Go for it. When people ask how you know you’re psychic, you have SO much proof. No problem!

We talked about knowing things. About looking back on the past and celebrating the times we did not get what we thought we wanted. She said, I was going to move to Minneapolis and become a graphic designer. I mean, obviously, if you’re from small town Minnesota, that’s what you do, you strive to move to the Twin Cities. Many of us, anyway.

I never did get to Minneapolis, but I’ve had a really interesting life. I got all choked up at that, and I kept brimming with tears as she talked about living all kinds of places across the country and all because there was a time when she was certain of the plan but then she followed the wrong boy instead.

Oh what we think we know. We don’t.

These are detours and not, because it all leads home, even if the long way. And this makes me so excited because you just never know…you just can’t possibly predict, I mean, unless you’re a real arm chair psychic, then maybe you can try but you’ll still never be able to see it all. Not vividly like living it and feeling it while it’s happening.

I’m sitting here in the most favorite house I’ve ever met. We live in it “back home” and we came from The Cities and we think we’re going back there, but what do we know? So I looked at my husband this morning and I said, I don’t know. I don’t even really want to know. For today, we need to work and go through this pile of mail and call the realtor and get that sticky stuff off the kitchen floor before I lose my mind while it pulls at my sock. Again.

I want to go anywhere they go. I just want to be with them. Ryan, Miles, Asher and Elsie Jane, our dog and our chickens. I hope they can come if we go.

I used to think I knew things for sure sometimes. I’d ask God for big neon signs and clear answers and then look for Him to confirm them in the way I wanted. He may be clear, but I am not, and so I have no choice but to take baby steps and big breaths and then trust that Grace will be on any other side because it is.

When closed doors remind me that we’re maybe pushing a boulder up a hill instead of being pulled by the hand of a loving God, well, then I should pay attention to that. I’m so tired of not paying attention to that. And all the while there’s that other fine line, too, you know? Of trying to find our footing when we feel we’re being dragged and so we assume it’s a closed door when it’s not because life is just hard sometimes. Maybe we’re not supposed to give up on adventure just because it’s not easy, while also taking a look at whether it’s the push or pull. We can look and breathe but we can’t always know so no pressure.

We may never get to Minneapolis, but I know we’re going to have an interesting life. We flip a coin. It’s heads or it’s tails, one way or the other and the same.

I have a plan, she says. Oh good. I love plans.


This is the 56th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not written in the spirit of capturing moments–like lists or sponsored posts. Then please link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in. (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

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