Just Write {56}

October 8, 2012

I have a plan, she says. Oh good, I love plans. What is it?

I’m going to be an arm chair psychic and have my own television show. I know I’m psychic because I was thinking of a friend and then he called me. 

We laughed a lot, at this. Yes, yes. Another great plan. Go for it. When people ask how you know you’re psychic, you have SO much proof. No problem!

We talked about knowing things. About looking back on the past and celebrating the times we did not get what we thought we wanted. She said, I was going to move to Minneapolis and become a graphic designer. I mean, obviously, if you’re from small town Minnesota, that’s what you do, you strive to move to the Twin Cities. Many of us, anyway.

I never did get to Minneapolis, but I’ve had a really interesting life. I got all choked up at that, and I kept brimming with tears as she talked about living all kinds of places across the country and all because there was a time when she was certain of the plan but then she followed the wrong boy instead.

Oh what we think we know. We don’t.

These are detours and not, because it all leads home, even if the long way. And this makes me so excited because you just never know…you just can’t possibly predict, I mean, unless you’re a real arm chair psychic, then maybe you can try but you’ll still never be able to see it all. Not vividly like living it and feeling it while it’s happening.

I’m sitting here in the most favorite house I’ve ever met. We live in it “back home” and we came from The Cities and we think we’re going back there, but what do we know? So I looked at my husband this morning and I said, I don’t know. I don’t even really want to know. For today, we need to work and go through this pile of mail and call the realtor and get that sticky stuff off the kitchen floor before I lose my mind while it pulls at my sock. Again.

I want to go anywhere they go. I just want to be with them. Ryan, Miles, Asher and Elsie Jane, our dog and our chickens. I hope they can come if we go.

I used to think I knew things for sure sometimes. I’d ask God for big neon signs and clear answers and then look for Him to confirm them in the way I wanted. He may be clear, but I am not, and so I have no choice but to take baby steps and big breaths and then trust that Grace will be on any other side because it is.

When closed doors remind me that we’re maybe pushing a boulder up a hill instead of being pulled by the hand of a loving God, well, then I should pay attention to that. I’m so tired of not paying attention to that. And all the while there’s that other fine line, too, you know? Of trying to find our footing when we feel we’re being dragged and so we assume it’s a closed door when it’s not because life is just hard sometimes. Maybe we’re not supposed to give up on adventure just because it’s not easy, while also taking a look at whether it’s the push or pull. We can look and breathe but we can’t always know so no pressure.

We may never get to Minneapolis, but I know we’re going to have an interesting life. We flip a coin. It’s heads or it’s tails, one way or the other and the same.

I have a plan, she says. Oh good. I love plans.

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This is the 56th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not written in the spirit of capturing moments–like lists or sponsored posts. Then please link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in. (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Gianna October 8, 2012 at 9:25 pm

It’s so hard to know if the door is being closed or if we just have to push a little harder. And if we push a little harder are we not supposed to. Is God going to just let us have what we want because we push it a little more? Or is he waiting for us to push more?

You never know. Exactly what you were saying. Another NWC friend and I were just talking about this how we had these big plans in college and now look at where we are–plugging away trying to live the joy. meanwhile experiencing hard stuff.
Gianna recently posted..Pizza and Parsley

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Elaine October 9, 2012 at 9:15 am

I used to be a big fan of plans too but man, can they change! Never thought I would be living in Louisiana, that’s for sure! And who knows what is next, for sure. I guess the best “Plan” is to be open to the next thing. At least from where I sit.

xo
Elaine recently posted..The Family Bed

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Ginger Kay October 9, 2012 at 9:26 am

I don’t know, either. Sometimes things are so easy, they feel right. Then you get there, and like characters in a movie, you say, “That was too easy. It was a trap.” I just don’t know.
Ginger Kay recently posted..I won’t inspire you.

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Amy @ Never-True Tales October 9, 2012 at 9:31 am

‘favorite house I’ve ever met’….I love this. This is exactly how I feel about houses and buildings. Love this one, Heather.
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..Life Work

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Karla Porter Archer October 9, 2012 at 9:50 am

I vacillate between being thrilled and weary from the unknown. But I now try to default to thrilled, because experience has shown me that there is always something awesome out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed. And it’s never what I would or could have expected or planned for.
Karla Porter Archer recently posted..Faith, Hope and 41

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Wendy October 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

You always know how to capture a feeling that I can relate to. Thanks for that. You truly have a gift of words and capturing a moment that means so much more!

I ask this all the time of myself. How do I know that I am following God’s plan or just “controlling” the way things are going. Usually if I am following the right path(I only know this in hindsight) then the path is clearer and easier. But should we quit if it gets hard because it is not his plan? How do we know? That is when I pray because what else am I going to do. I listen to that voice that says little suggestions of actions. I should say, I try to listen. Then I wait. Patience is the hardest! I hope it comes to you soon. –W
Wendy recently posted..Just Write – Extraordinary Ordinary

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Jennifer October 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I love plans too, and it is so hard sometimes living without one. The just accepting that the solid ground will be under our feet when we take that next step.
Jennifer recently posted..The funeral

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Jamie@SouthMainMuse October 9, 2012 at 2:35 pm

My husband spent a lot of his childhood in small town Minnesota. All the older folks bemoan that the younger ones have moved to the Cities. Whatever happens you can look back in 10 years and see the guidance. That’s one of the most comforting thing about getting older. It brings perspective that even though we don’t know it all — there is one who does.
Jamie@SouthMainMuse recently posted..The Curse of Tooting-Your-Own-Horn

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Arianne October 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm

This is so magical. <3
Arianne recently posted..On being on the outside

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Kristen @ Motherese October 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm

A friend of mine once had a sign in his office that said, “Proceed as the way opens.” I think it is Quaker in origin. I’ve never quite understood what it meant. More often I feel pushed or pulled, nothing so delicate as moving along the way the path goes.

But your post today helps me understand this expression a bit, I think. Thank you for that, my dear. xo
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..Do You Give Your Kids An Allowance?

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Ann October 10, 2012 at 10:21 pm

You are so wise and willing with your words.
Ann recently posted..Peter Pan Moms: We Won’t Grow Up

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Shaina October 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I am still really hopping that the coin flipping lands you in a small suburb near the fairgrounds. I’m selfish, as in I need you all to myself.
Shaina recently posted..A Menu with GROW: A Method to Feed Your Family

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