Just Write {91}

July 1, 2013

In the night, rain had finally come. I know for sure because Tia, our dog, is so afraid of thunder and had come to our bed, panting hard like she does when she’s scared. There’s a certain sound to the breaths of fear.

In the morning, rain was still dripping from the trees and off the side of the roof, landing in little puddles along the back porch, making that blip blip blip sound. The air was cooler than it has been since we moved here, where people talk about the weather as much as Minnesotans and that’s a lot. I sat at the table and sipped coffee, watched the scaredy cat dog pretend to be super brave while huntin’ for squirrels.

tiamaria

Everything is brighter after a rain. Water is magic.

Before the storm and bed and the panting next to the bed, I had cried and I couldn’t stop. I don’t remember a time when I’ve cried like that, hard and long, without really knowing exactly why. Why won’t it stop? What am I really crying about? I had no idea so I figured it had to be only one thing.

Everything.

Sometimes you just have to cry out months of stress and change and ups and downs and The Big of life. So I did. Ryan tried to comfort me, patting my back until I moved away. I was embarrassed and that didn’t even really make sense, but crying that hard without knowing why is super awkward in the moment, even while I was swept away by the upheaval.

This was a release and felt freeing. Sometimes I stop to wonder what would have happened on a night like that if I were stil drinking, or would we even be in the place we are now, literally and figuratively. I doubt it. I really doubt it.

I want to be here. With our fierce third child, freelancing, Austin and embarrassed crying, panting fear sobs.

Ryan joined me with his cup of coffee too. He laughed at the dog and sat in the white rocking chair with the iPad, mumbling about how much he misses the newspaper. I know he means the one from back home. We miss a lot of things like that, big and little. And we’ve never felt more home inside of us. It’s strange. We don’t even really know why exactly. But if you could have listened to us there you would have said we sound good. Like we’re doing well. There’s a certain sound to fragile peace.

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This is the 90th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not freely written in the spirit of capturing moments–you know, don’t link to how-to posts, lists or sponsored posts. Also, please link back to this post in yours so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.

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{ 10 comments }

Stephanie Precourt July 2, 2013 at 12:02 am

OH, it is a release. Those sads and let gos, I hate when they have to come but it’s for a good reason in the end. Love that pic.

Steph
Stephanie Precourt recently posted..maritime

Ann July 2, 2013 at 7:40 am

Right on schedule. Love you.

alita July 2, 2013 at 7:49 am

I think it takes bravery to sob in that way. When I release that hard nobody and I mean nooooobody can be around. So what I’m trying to get to is that … you are so brave. I hope that you found the release you needed!
alita recently posted..The perfume of July

Adrienne July 2, 2013 at 8:16 am

I know, for me, those vulnerable days after a move are like nothing else. For me, that sense of home is the most profound when ‘home’ has nothing to do with our surroundings and everything to do with who we are… This is beautifully written – thanks for letting us in.
Adrienne recently posted..A Wing and a Prayer

Kim July 2, 2013 at 9:06 am

Yep, I know those days. As soon as I read the word cry – I knew what it was. It is essential, part of moving, part of changing, part of growing. I feel one of those cries coming on over in these parts too. Seems they come at the time of any major life change.
We sure love having you guys here. xoxo
Kim recently posted..Not Done Yet

Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) July 2, 2013 at 9:57 am

We’re so glad you’re here! You and your beautiful words.
Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) recently posted..(Almost) everything I learned about parenting I learned in high school (on Scary Mommy today)

Rob July 2, 2013 at 2:03 pm

I know the last time I cried like that. I know why. It had to do with moving and moving and moving and moving again! Guess what? I am moving this August. Yes, FIVE moves in just shy of five years. Most times, I am embarrassed about the uncontrollable sobbing; but last time, I just didn’t care. There was something freeing about that. It did leave my husband at a complete loss. He didn’t know what to do :)

I love that picture of your dog.

It has been raining here every day; most days with thunder. The humidity never goes away. And my dog hides in his crate. He likes to chase squirrels, too. I hope he never catches one!
Rob recently posted..Just Write – What?

Arnebya July 2, 2013 at 2:45 pm

Fragile peace. How apt is that. It’s a perfect descriptor. And the hard cry, the seemingly curiously reasonless cry that is really anything but. It is anything. And everything.
Arnebya recently posted..Just Write: My Replacement for Alcohol is Pepsi. And Heroin.

Amber July 2, 2013 at 4:14 pm

I know those tears. Sometimes they’re the most cathartic thing in the whole world. I’m glad you’re at peace, even if it’s fragile. And congratulations on VOTY!
Amber recently posted..Ten Things No One Tells You about Becoming a Vegetarian.

Jenn July 2, 2013 at 6:30 pm

I’ve been thinking of this post ever since I read it last night. I have no idea what you’re going through having never made a big move like that, but I have felt the strange calmness that comes after a good cry. You illustrated so beautifully that ‘home is where you hang your heart’. xo
Jenn recently posted..Sad news from the farm

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