Just Write {107}

October 22, 2013

This morning waking up felt like it had something to do with quicksand. I made us run late, but just a “it’s going to be okay” from Ryan reminded me not to freak out about it. The boys helped get Elsie up and ready and that made me smile. I brought her next door and another mom was dropping off her boy and I told the room, “I overslept. LIKE A BOSS.”

They just stared at me, and my bedhead and probably the lines still creased into my cheek. Okay then! SeeyaBYE!

I’m still walking Asher in to school these days, it’s what he needs. But I wanted less people looking at my bedhead and creases, so I told Miles he would need to walk Asher today, down his hallway. He said yes without complaining, which made me smile.

LIKE A BOSS.

I am very sneaky and proud to have a backup plan on mornings like today. I don’t wait in line for drop off, I got in a different parking lot and I drive right up to the blocking off orange cones and drop the boys there, and they go through the office in the front door, like they would if I parked and took them in. When I do this, I get to watch them, because there is usually no one else waiting there. Today one other minivan pulled up to do the same thing and I felt like we were rebels together. We both watched our kids until they went through the front door, even though it’s just a short sidewalk walk to get in.

Maybe this is what’s so hard about drop-off lines in the mornings. We’re all so busy doing the very thing we’ve gotten used to but our hearts will never do it comfortably. We’re letting go, of control and our kids under our wings and in our sights and something in us rails against us. So we become these incapable, disorganized and somewhat dimwitted humans, unable to simply pull up, get the kids out the doors of the vehicle quickly and drive away, making room for the next caregiver. We can’t do it. All the insides of all the wheeled machines become loud and messy and there is so much fumbling about, as if we’ve never done this before, every day.

Move forward!

We don’t.

We are sabotaging the simple letting go.

One last peck on the cheek, a little more grooming, like apes, we’re picking something out of the ear or hair or nose, or licking a finger and rubbing at breakfast on chubby cheeks. Wait, those cheeks aren’t all that chubby anymore, OH what happened to my baby?

We sit and stare and watch and can’t move forward. This happened again later when I was standing at the counter, eating breakfast (why not sit down? I don’t know.) I was standing and staring out the window, not seeing, thinking hard about one of the ways the boys is so magically himself and about what he will need to be taught, in some very specific way about the world and life and relationships because of this aspect of him….I was thinking so hard and I so badly wanted to calm the chaos of thoughts in my head and make the way for him smooth, into growing up. But I can’t and so the chaos inside goes on like in the car at drop off.

While I watched the boys, earlier, I noticed everything about how they walked to the door. Together, shoulder to shoulder, short and unsure with their steps, Asher pulling up his pants that I suddenly realized were Miles’ pants and wondered should I call his teacher to say he may need help with his pants? Tighten them, they’re that kind with the cinching thing inside the waistband….

No, he’ll be okay. She’ll see it if it’s that big of a problem.

Miles started doing some silly crazy walk and I could see that Asher was laughing, by the way he turned his head just so and how his body did its laughing things.

Just now while typing this I realized I’m forgetting to breathe well again. I was holding my breath like I had to wait for them to come home like this.

Now, I breathe in deep and freeing breaths because that’s how hard it is for me to let go, this is how I am. When I was driving away today I stopped for kids to cross the street and the same cross guards are there every morning. One in one spot, one at the other, keeping post. He looks like Santa, so much like Santa. She could be Santa’s wife, with her short gray hair but they come here separately, every day to do this service work. And I wonder if, as it serves these kids and families, doesn’t it serve them as well? Have their kids grown up and gone off?

Here they are, still shepherding, helping children cross over, safely, from one side to the other. That makes sense to me.

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This is the 107th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the URL of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not freely written in the spirit of capturing moments–you know, don’t link to how-to posts, lists or sponsored posts. Also, please link back to this post in yours so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.

Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word? Thank you!



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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

SmithShack71 October 22, 2013 at 10:07 am

aww… I love this. It’s very hard letting go. I heard a parent say once, complaining, “Why is it so hard to just say goodbye, and get them out of the car, and just go? Keep it moving!” Apparently someone hugged their kid, and then hugged and kissed them again before going. All I could think was, My gosh, chill out. It’s just an extra bit of love for their kid for the day, or what if it had been something more serious? What if they had a family crisis going on and extra love was needed? I couldn’t believe the impatience.
I say kisses and hugs and following eyes all around!
SmithShack71 recently posted..my uncle ricky

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Alyssa Santos October 22, 2013 at 10:29 am

Hi:)
I’ve always appreciated that God designed motherhood in progressive fashion. Knowing that suddenly having a screaming 16 month old might be overwhelming, he designed them to begin as a cluster of lovable cells within our womb. Knowing the testing that comes from a 13 year old, he gave us 2 year olds first — the cost of a fit or a bad attitude or wrong choices is so much more manageable when they’re small. Same with letting go. Moving my daughter into college this year, I was sort of amazed at how much of the parent meetings AT COLLEGE surrounded learning how to let go and trust your kids, how to adjust to their leaving. I think it’s wise for you to feel it process it now – to see them as independent and amazing, yet vulnerable. This will make the inevitable progression of watching them launch into life much more acceptable — even exciting for you as a parent. :)

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Casey October 22, 2013 at 10:59 am

This year the letting go for me was switching schedules and giving up drop off all together. MCB does it. Her heart bursting each morning. All this giving up, giving in, walking away, this part of parenting is so hard and won’t let up.

AND I DID MY FIRST JUST WRITE THIS WEEK! HOORAY!
Casey recently posted..Just Write

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Ann October 22, 2013 at 11:09 am

Tears. Good tears.

And I’m laughing at myself and Casey’s comment because I’m kind of the opposite of Just Write. I’m #TakeThreeHoursAndNeverStopEditing

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tracy@sellabitmum October 22, 2013 at 11:10 am

Every single day I thank sweet baby jesus for the invention of the school bus and that my kids don’t want me to be at the bus stop. Love this my friend. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Shhh…I’m Listening

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Anita October 22, 2013 at 11:12 am

Hi Heather,

Thank you for the opportunity to ink up. Love reading everyone’s freely written posts.
Blessings.
Anita recently posted..Prayer: Willing heart

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Thekitchwitch October 22, 2013 at 11:24 am

Watching them walk from the car to school is a delicious little treat. Except for yesterday, when Miss M. was furious about having to go to school and kicked the car door shut with her little booted foot and stormed away. That was not so delicious, but I still watched her huff on by.

True story: One time Miss D. wore pants to school that were so big that they fell off during gym class. She still blames me for this. She’s probably right to do so.

I wonder if every school has a Santa-looking crossing guard? We have one, too! He wears socks with his flip-flops and is lovely.
Thekitchwitch recently posted..The Wolves Howl at Night, part 2

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Elaine A. October 22, 2013 at 12:46 pm

I love that at the end, helping the kids cross over. From one stage to the next. Too bad it seems to be happening so fast these days.

I think it’s so sweet to watch my boys walk into school together! Oh how the warm fuzzies overtake me! :)
Elaine A. recently posted.."Like"

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Nancy Collins October 22, 2013 at 9:50 pm

The letting go is so hard!

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erin margolin October 24, 2013 at 9:58 am

i relate so well to a lot of this….but i don’t walk my kids in anymore. sometimes i feel guilty about it, but it’s too much, esp w/ the baby. but i do the grooming thing, LOL!
erin margolin recently posted..Heidi Cave & Fancy Feet!

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suzannah October 24, 2013 at 11:19 am

beautiful and true.
suzannah recently posted..do not go gentle into that good night

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mary taitt October 28, 2013 at 12:53 am

I met a boy named Asher who liked to climb tree. I met him on Bradley Mountain in Maine. He was the first Asher I ever met. He reminded me of one of the main characters in a UNpublished kids novel I wrote.

Letting go is hard for me.

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mary taitt October 28, 2013 at 12:55 am

Luckily you have comment moderation, so you can not publish this if it is wrong. I don;t see my link. http://nopolar.blogspot.com/2013/10/just-writing-thursday-october-24-2013.html
mary taitt recently posted.."Just Writing," Thursday, October 24, 2013, 2:24 PM

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Heather October 28, 2013 at 1:58 pm

If you’d like to add a link, you can do that by clicking at the end of the post “click here to enter” and then you add in the url to the post you’d like to have appear. Did you do that? Did it not work? Let me know and I’ll be happy to help!

Heather

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