Just Write {121}

February 3, 2014

He sat down on the top step and asked how he could be so tired when he slept all the way until 6:57am. And he’s right, that’s totally late for him. So it hits me that he keeps complaining of being exhausted, off and on lately. It hits me like a ton of bricks. So I finally stop what I’m doing, look up the number for the doctor and call, right then.

He doesn’t want to go and I’m honest that yes, they’ll probably do a blood draw and yes, that sucks. Both literally and figuratively.

He’s so grown up these days but later, when we sat in the lab at the clinic he reached for me like he used to and I grabbed on and we put our heads together as the tech said, 1-2-3 and his breathing was erratic and so I kept reminding him, deeeep breaths, you’re so brave, it’s almost over, just breathe. He was holding back tears and that makes it hard to breathe so I told him it was okay to cry and that’s when he let go. Not of my arm but of his tears. He cried loud and hard and kept his head buried.

I hated every second of it, as it ticked by like hours.

They gave him a sucker and told him he held his arm still really well. His little brother stood next to him and could have been the poster boy for Empathy.

I asked if we could get results before tomorrow, to see if he’s anemic, or has thyroid issues, or what?

No, they said, probably not until tomorrow afternoon. Okay then, let’s go. Let’s wait. I mean, it took me too long to make the appointment and then I want to hurry everything up. It was time to let go because we don’t know and it’s not always something awful. Sometimes it’s nothing. If you are reading this and you’ve gotten the bad news before, you know what I mean. You hold your breath like my little boy, sitting there with a needle in his arm, weeping.

So I took a deep breath and we decided that a sucker wasn’t treat enough and we went out for ice cream. These thoughts would creep in, like a few times I can remember from the last few months when he has said he had to run at school and it was too hard. Or we’ve been on a walk and he stops to say it’s just too hard. I didn’t take it all that seriously but now these thoughts come in waves and when I put them all together it seems like a lot.

But here we are now, NOW. And I am way too hard on myself. We went to get it checked out. It could be nothing. Totally possible.

So I let go again and try to stay. here. now. We went to the library and got him a book and tonight he’ll be tucked in earlier than usual because I want to do all these little things that help.

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This is the 121st installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the URL of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not freely written in the spirit of capturing moments–you know, don’t link to how-to posts, lists or sponsored posts. Also, please link back to this post in yours so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.

Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word? Thank you!



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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Karmen M. February 4, 2014 at 12:57 am

My heart holds its breath with yours as you wait. I know that rushing of time when all time rushes in at once, past, present, and future. You are doing good Momma. I hope your now gets answers soon.
Karmen M. recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Hero

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Kim February 4, 2014 at 8:40 am

Oh Mama, that is so scary. Let me know what I can do to help. Of course we will add sweet M to our prayers. Love you and him.
Kim recently posted..Steam

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Kat February 4, 2014 at 10:44 am

Oh these mommy moments are so hard. All the worry we have for our kids. It is a wonder it doesn’t overtake us.
Sending prayers that all is well.
Kat recently posted..Days Like This

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Samantha G February 4, 2014 at 7:37 pm

I agree with Kat. Days go by that I wonder how to worry has not taken over. So many months so many tests waiting to find out the best but forever thinking of the worst. I hope all the test come back in a record time and all results are good. Thank you for your linky and helping me to just write.

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Liz February 4, 2014 at 8:47 pm

Hey there Heather…since I took your course, now I’m really hyper aware of whenever it’s Tuesday. Today, I was like, GASP, I missed the Just Write post today. (I know, it’s technically not too late, but I’m half asleep as I type this…)
Nothing in life can be worse than medical issues with a child.
Thinking of you and those results.
Hoping it’s nothing.
xoxo
Liz recently posted..Lonely: Just Write Tuesdays

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K A B L O O E Y February 4, 2014 at 11:01 pm

Hope you get nothing but good news tomorrow. So related to this post. You think of the few times you could have possibly been paying more attention, but not of the countless times you were right there, present, being his best advocate – his mom. Again, good luck.
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..More Than a Tragic Headline

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rebecca@altaredspaces.com February 5, 2014 at 12:59 pm

” Okay then, let’s go. Let’s wait. I mean, it took me too long to make the appointment and then I want to hurry everything up.”

I know this feeling.

I want the world to make up for what I feel I’ve done wrong. I love how Kablooey says it, “you think of the few times …not the countless times you were right there.”

I don’t live inside your body or your life and I can name the times you were right there. Right there at the pool. Right there with the chickens. Right there during the remodel with stories and gluing together a life for all these kids that fill your life. YOUR life and THEIRS. Because your have intertwined your lives and paid attention and you are noticing so much.

If you’re busy building a normal life for your kiddo, you notice how everything is normal. I love that about the life you live.

Thank you for inviting tears when they were knocking. So kind. So safe.

Heather, I know this doesn’t change anything for you or your son, but I love you very dearly.
rebecca@altaredspaces.com recently posted..what church and show tunes show me about my daughter

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Heather February 5, 2014 at 1:06 pm

You and your words are SUCH a gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I put this comment directly in my “encouragement” folder. xoxo

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Heather February 5, 2014 at 1:04 pm

You’re all so appreciated for your kindness and concern. My Mama heart is always moved by your encouragement. This all sounds so fluffy, but I really mean it.

Miles has a low ferretin level, which is the iron store, not hemoglobin. So we’ll kick up the iron-rich diet and see if he feels better. If not, we’ll do more checking into what could be causing the fatigue. We’re feeling peaceful. We’re a family of anemics, so he’s probably going to always deal with that and its exhaustion. Today, I’m grateful it’s not anything More, as far as we can tell.

xoxoxo

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tara pohlkotte February 6, 2014 at 9:56 am

so glad for some sort of an answer. keep us posted.
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Gravity

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Ellie {Musing Momma} February 6, 2014 at 2:57 pm

SO glad it isn’t anything more! I have been meaning to comment on this post just to say I was hoping things were okay… :)
Ellie {Musing Momma} recently posted..30+ Children’s Books That Celebrate Black History & Black Heroes (So My Boys Don’t Grow Up As Clueless As I Did)

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tara pohlkotte February 6, 2014 at 9:55 am

oh, mama. i feel you here. a couple of summer’s ago by boy got Lymes. and we caught it. and we treated it…. but all of those cases years later… it can be so haunting. we did what we could, and we live like we will – but those in between spaces are tough. all my good thoughts and vibes your way. xx
tara pohlkotte recently posted..Gravity

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