Just Write {139}

June 10, 2014

I heard the horn, over and over, the crunch of the tires on the driveway. My boys were home, and let me tell you this: I may never let them go more than a 20 mile radius away from me. I missed them so much. During this transition, they were in Texas with their Daddy, and Nanny and Auntie K and Uncle K. Elsie and I were here, in Minnesota, and it felt like months, it really did.

The side of the van opened to them and Asher fell into me and we were down, kneeling on the driveway, and he was making this sound I’ve never heard. A laugh while crying sound. I’ll never forget it. I pulled Miles in too, and I cried because of relief and sadness and joy. It’s over, I told them again and again. That part is over. And they seem so much older, the way kids do, when they grow just as much as they usually do but not before your eyes and so it’s like BOOM BANG POW!

I explained to them that this time away was really long and life is not going to be this way. That the most they will be away from me or Daddy at a time (other than Daddy’s work trips) would be 3 days. Three days is way less than 2 weeks, I told them. And they can see either of us if they need to, whenever they don’t feel quite right, because the houses are so close together.

I am learning that we have really bright and happy kids who are secure in our love for them. They nod and smile and hug me, they move on and play Legos and make forts out of the cushions of Nanny’s couch. They are surrounded by so many people who love them. We are all going through a divorce, and it is weird and hard and full of grief, but all at once it is also full of grace, at every moment.

I keep saying that, but it’s just so obvious.

We unpacked the moving truck yesterday, with help from our families. Now the boxes and things are all around, trying to swallow me. They are shouting a bit about how they are a lesson in letting go, another one, again, for me.

The kids have run all around and up and down the house we are renting, discovering the spaces and maze-like places of an old house. They are asking to see old friends and have already spent time with one of their favorites. They are getting constant hugs and laughs and snacks from Nanny and Bapa. They got to see part of Daddy’s family yesterday too, because they aren’t so far away, like from Texas to Minnesota. They were giddy with the reunions.

The other night, after everyone got here from Texas, I went to sleep on a mattress on the floor at the rental house because there was no room at Nanny and Bapa’s with all the traveling visitors. The moving truck had pulled in with Daddy and Uncle K that evening and was waiting for the next day’s unloading. It was parked in the middle of my parent’s driveway. I had a suitcase and pillows and blankets and sheets for my Dad to help me carry to our minivan at the end of the long drive. It was the most perfect night, so still and not warm or cold. He said, This is so weird. And I said Yeah, everything is.

It will get better, he said.

Sometimes it all feels like way too much. More than too much. But there’s no way it’s not getting better. Getting settled, starting a routine, getting used to sleeping in a new place…and beyond all of that, being together like always but in a new way. We’re home.

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This is the 139th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. There are really no rules, besides Just Write! (Then link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Alissa June 10, 2014 at 8:38 pm

I’m so sorry you are going through this hard transition time. I guess sometimes it really is darkest before the storm. Thoughts and prayer are with you.

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Sarah June 11, 2014 at 11:47 am

Your challenges are being met with a very positive attitude. I admire that.

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Kelly V June 11, 2014 at 3:05 pm

You are putting one foot in front of the other and seeing the grace in it all, with loving kids at your side. That is A LOT. Hang in there!

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Marnie June 16, 2014 at 4:18 pm

This was just lovely and heartbreaking. I hope it all keeps moving in a healing direction. And I hope for more still, not hot or cold nights here in MN.

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Robbie June 18, 2014 at 9:59 am

I am so very sorry. Listen to your dad. At some point it will get better & you will look back and wonder how you made it through.
Robbie recently posted..Summer Plans

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