Just Write {160}

November 4, 2014

Everyone had the look of sleep-deprivation. Dark circles and an accidental or on-purpose perma-frown. We all have eyes that glisten with the soft glow of just waking up, even if we’ve been up for hours.

We got to set our clocks back.

Our bodies are confused about this.

I ran into a friend at Goodwill and she said she normally wakes up at six, like clock work, pun intended. And now she wakes up at five. Or that is what the clock says anyway, and so the day is just so long. It’s darker and longer. Winter’s slow and then fast arrival feels foreboding, and I told another friend that it settles in on me, and I have no choice but to keep thinking of spring.

Sara Groves says “hope stands in defiance” and I like that because I like to think of hope standing there with hands on hips, and maybe I’m defiantly choosing gratitude even when I don’t feel like it. Gratitude breeds hope. Hope drives out fear.

I’m standing in the kitchen typing this while making two bowls of oatmeal and pouring one bowl of cereal. We’re getting ready for school. This is multitasking. The coffee is next to the sink, dishes half done, and a half eaten banana is browning just as fast as I can scold the kids for fighting during breakfast.

The weight of life and the choices that have brought us to this point, it’s all been so much lately. There are good and beautiful things on a path that is defiantly good, in the long run. And there is so much more I cannot describe and maybe I never will, I don’t know. I don’t know how and right now it seems impossible to share it.

Every little and big known and unknown thing feels sacred and private. Some of it is too much to carry, and we must.

So many needs go unmet. It is so painful to let go.

And hope stands in defiance, like this three year old pulling on my pajamas, begging to be held. Defiance can be the best thing.

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{ 7 comments }

Kim November 4, 2014 at 8:28 am

Defiant Hope, I love it. I am grateful you have people there to hold you up, give you love and support, and help you on this rocky road. I know there is so much good, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hurt too. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Kim recently posted..Finally My Season

Heronsister November 4, 2014 at 8:49 am

I resonated so much with what you wrote. After an extraordinarily challenging and also nourishing morning standing up for myself and my neurodiverse daughter, it is good to know that other mothers feel like this: “The weight of life and the choices that have brought us to this point, it’s all been so much lately.” “Every little and big known and unknown things feels sacred and private. Some of it is too much to carry, and we must.”

Before I became a parent, I didn’t know that sometimes as humans we must carry what we cannot carry. I am in awe of all the people who do this, especially the ones who also manage to be cheerful. Somehow I find it incredibly hopeful.
Thank you for writing.

Kimberly November 4, 2014 at 9:23 am

For a girl who is struggling to swim, hope stands in defiance is the only thing I needed to read today.
Kimberly recently posted..No Therapist

anna whiston-donaldson November 4, 2014 at 10:12 am

Keep on doing what you’re doing, Heather! LOVE and HUGS and HOPE.
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted..Not "Just" an Aunt

Gina November 4, 2014 at 4:08 pm

Without hope I would feel lost. I love the defiance phase and keep it in mind. We are heading into an even more stressful time of year. When we have those who help support us, we are so fortunate. Have a great week, Heather.
Gina recently posted..Picking Up the Poop, and Applications Outside of Dog Walking

Sarah November 4, 2014 at 9:50 pm

Love the idea of hope standing defiant. Sometimes it really has to, right? Hang in there.
Sarah recently posted..Casting My Ballot

Amy November 10, 2014 at 6:04 pm

I love that hope stands in defiance…and defiance is choosing gratitude.
Amy recently posted..Counting Gifts again…for Thanksgiving

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