Just Write {186}

May 5, 2015

ElsieJump

Elsie got sick over the weekend, just slightly sick, but enough for the cardiologist to say it’s best to wait on the heart procedure until she is fully healthy. Of course, I said, while my heart dropped because yes, I do just want it to be fixed. Now Already Yesterday. That’s how it is with your kids, right? Wholeness, that’s what we want for them in every way.

Asher has been feeling some unique shunt-related symptoms as well. So we watch and wait and plan a trip to the big city just in case we need to take it. To explain what this is like is impossible. Hydrocephalus can be a mysterious, baffling, and cunning life-taker. That’s just the truth. It is the truth of many conditions and diseases and the truth of life.

Slippery. Uncontrolled.

When these three kiddos are with their daddy, and I’m working, I still think about all of this. And I have no choice but a deep breath and a begging sort of prayer. That’s not to say they are not carefully watched over with their father, they are. He is a very good dad. It is just to say that it feels scary…or maybe that isn’t the right word…and it isn’t the right thing to say it feels “wrong” either, because there are so many kinds of “wrong” that work out to be better in time. It just feels weird. There isn’t another word right now.

Music. Prayers. Those deep breaths. Work. Life. Books. Creating. More deep breaths. More work.

Then I pick them up and we spend days together and it is so different. I am a mother that does not have to fight to stay engaged, present, really seeing them. I am here. And that’s not to say I don’t get distracted by laundry or dishes, these things must be done. But it is to say that there is simply a difference in my head and heart, a letting go of the mental and spiritual chaos and noise within me, that was once there. Maybe this is how a person nears 40, I don’t know. Maybe the 40’s are the true surrender years. Like, Oh, I learned the hard way forever and now I’m done with that, let me just be. And maybe we’ve just been through enough Life to finally get it that surrender and acceptance are the only choice, and that we can only seek progress, not perfection. No really. Really.

So I’m going to work now. That’s what I know for today. And then the small people I love the very most will be back tomorrow and I can’t wait for messy wholeness we share.

NotaThing

 

This is the 186th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {New here? Please see the details.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. (Then link back to this post in your Just Write post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Val Curtis May 5, 2015 at 9:42 am

Saying prayers for you and your crew. This line: “And maybe we’ve just been through enough Life to finally get it that surrender and acceptance are the only choice, and that we can only seek progress, not perfection.” — you are so wise. xo

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Sarah May 6, 2015 at 2:13 pm

I appreciate so much that you write. Having a child with a chronic medical condition I completely understand that feeling, the “weird” feeling even when they are with somebody you completely trust and know will care for them deeply. For me it is almost a heart flutter filled with the unknowing. Sometimes I chalk it up to wanting to feel in control of something that is so not in my abilities to rule over, but I know that isn’t all…there is such a desire to protect our children and let them fly all at the same time when you throw in medical conditions sometimes it teaches so much about trusting life. I just want you to know that your taking the time out of your busy life to write on your blog is very meaningful to me, thank you.

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Lynda M O May 6, 2015 at 2:54 pm

Thank you for this. I am enriched by all your writings; the ones about your kids are especially precious.

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