I Resolve to Think Less

I am someone who believes in the power of prayer. So why don’t I pray more? I ask myself this a whole lot. I’ll be wracked with worries, overwhelmed with everyday life, consumed with anxiety about the smallest and the biggest things, and yet I will forget to pray. I understand a few reasons why I’m not all that prayerful. First of all, I never really have been. I don’t have the “practice.” Secondly, my mind wanders no matter what the heck I’m doing, so talking to Someone who doesn’t audibly respond and keep eye contact with me is quite difficult. Also, I struggle with unbelief enough to tread lightly with my requests. What I mean by that is that I see God working around me all the time, but for some reason I think His power doesn’t apply to my “stuff.” Whenever I ask Him for help, wisdom, answers, etc., He proves me wrong by answering me. And yet I slip back into thinking He’s got to deal with people who are more faithful. Or that somehow I’ve ignored Him long enough that He’s done with me. I’ve learned this is silly thinking, but I still struggle sometimes. I forget that His faithfulness is perfect even when mine is not. I forget that I’m not the exception to the rule. I’m not that important, that my mistakes or disbelief would prevent Him from taking care of me. Sometimes I laugh at the thoughts I have. Like I’m THAT powerful and unique, I’m the first one He’s given up on!

I bring this up because I experienced a bit of it again today. I’ve been struggling BIG TIME with Asher and sleep. That boy will scream until the cows come home about going to sleep even if he’s exhausted and his eyes can’t stay open. So most evenings are spent trying a million different strategies to help him calm down. Most of them don’t work. Okay, none of them work. By the time he’s asleep, it’s late and I walk into the living room and say, “I’m going to bed,” and that’s the extent of my time with Ryan. I remind myself that this will pass, but I still worry that we’re going to be dealing with a sleep monster if we don’t teach him some self-soothing skills. He currently has none, besides trying to convince us to take him out of the bedroom and give up on putting him to sleep. Anyway, enough detail about that. The reason I share this is because this morning I was trying to get Asher down for his a.m. nap. It was a joke, really. And all night last night was no picnic either so I was reaching a breaking point. He was totally freaking, I was crying, and I just looked up and said, “God I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if he’s okay or how to help him. Why can’t this baby sleep more than a half hour at a time? Please help.” Funny thing is, this was hard for me to do because I don’t often ask for such things, or even pray in thankfulness for that matter. So I feel sheepish when I need to cry out. How would I like it if I had a kid I loved like crazy and I only heard from them when they needed help desperately? And yet He helped. And I guess I would too. So thinking of my own kids and what I would do for them (anything no matter what), helped me realize I need to shut my brain off and let God take care of me. He made my kids, He knows how to help them. It’s simply a matter of asking.

Asher went down for his afternoon nap like he was an old champ. I simply put him in the crib and walked away, not wanting to deal with the flailing and screaming. I was hoping it would work by some miracle. He laid there awhile, rubbing his tired little eyes and then dozed off on his own. If you had been a fly on my wall the last month or so at bedtime, you’d know as sure as I do that this was a miracle. Maybe a small one, but a big one to me.
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.” -2 Timothy 2:13

Two of my favorite things about God are the way He continues to pour out grace and mercy. I suppose He can’t help Himself, these two and so much more are what He is made of. I’m so thankful. Now I just need to work on looking at my imperfect self as He does. I only stay stuck in my powerless thoughts, if I continue to think them. They only keep me where I am. I’d prefer to move forward.

A New Year’s resolution? None of that exercise and eat right stuff for me. Those are good things, but this year I resolve to have more stubborn will-power in the battle for sleep than my smart little five month old! Or maybe I should just resolve to have more patience with him and myself. I think I’ll throw caution to the wind and try both!