Marriedness

First of all, I was looking over my last post and I thought, “gross, I sound so proud of myself…” I really didn’t intend to, that’s not how I feel, but it sounds like it. I’m all, “I used to do this and that good and wonderful thing. I was such a great person and I still am!” Puke. Sorry that you had to read that. Sometimes I think “out loud” and forget to clarify my thought process. If there really ever is a “process” for me, I’m not sure.
Now moving on…
I said I might write about marriedness.
Let me start by saying I am slow to mature and constantly in need of adjustments. Today, with this topic, I will not go on and on with accolades about me. No way. My husband would get a good laugh if I did, but that’s not the only reason why. I guess it’s partially because I’ve been realizing that this marriage stuff is really as hard as they say. Not for everyone, but for most people. Ryan and I fall in the category of “most people.” It isn’t that we have a bad marriage, it’s just that it takes a whole lot of time and energy to do wedded bliss well, and time and energy are a little out of our reach these days.
A couple of weeks ago I was out for a dinner and a movie with some friends and acquaintances. The girls I don’t know all that well asked how long Ryan and I were married before I got pregnant. I said, “exactly four weeks.” And it hit me, right then… “Oh my, we really didn’t get a chance to be married.” We simply got married and then got a chance to parent together. Of course we’re married, literally. But we didn’t hang out together, figuring each other out for long at all. I think that period of time spent with just the two of you does strengthen things. Even if you don’t have a hard time, you get to know each other through all the hours of being together.
That said, I am still amazed at the strides we’ve taken despite how fast we moved into the parenting part. We were these two totally separate people with totally different backgrounds, and yet we are so much the same. We may not have figured out the very best way to communicate yet, or exactly how to deal with each other’s baggage, but we slowly work on parts of it. I guess that’s how it probably is for most of us. We deal with issues as they arise, and we are forced (thankfully), to deal with our junk for the sake of our wee ones, which only benefits our entire family, including ourselves. Because of these “wee ones,” and because we are in this committed-not-going-anywhere relationship, we find ourselves forced to deal, to really deal with all that we are. Sometimes it just ain’t pretty. Ryan and I have had to muddle through a lot of garbage and sometimes we find ourselves in the same yucky place as four years ago, unable to set aside our pride and put down our same old script. But we try. We try hard to move past all of that and evolve into the loving people we are meant to be to one another. So many times we just have to stop and say, “I don’t want to do this again. I need to say I’m sorry and validate you right now.” Sara Groves says it best (again), when she writes, “if we go looking for offense, we’re going to find it. If we go looking for real love, we’re going to find it.” So simple, but so profoundly true.

I hate messes. He could spread the newspaper over the whole house, spill coffee all over it, and still contentedly take a nap on top of it all. He would prefer to continue drinking out of his glass, but I’ve already washed it and put it away, leaving him to look a fool searching the counter for it. He would most likely prefer for me to not be so focused on laundry, practically taking dirty clothes off him to throw in the washer the minute he thinks about undressing, but I have an issue with laundry I can’t seem to control. I might never park the car in the garage as he requests, despite daily reminders that it’s a better idea and may prevent theft. I may continue to take offense to, “what are we going to eat?,” even though all he means is that he’s hungry and doesn’t know what we have. He might have to deal with me thinking he can read my mind, as I passive-aggressively stomp around hoping he’s finally figured out that it’s bath night, and he should take charge and wash the small people without me asking. And sometimes he has to deal with me being mad at him even when I have no idea what provoked it.
At the same time, Ryan truly is my best friend. He’s the guy that makes silly jokes and leaves me laughing more than any guy ever has or ever will again. He’s the one who continues to surprise me with his depth of thought and sensitivity toward me and our sons. He is resilient and stronger than he will ever give himself credit for. He is the best dad a woman could ever dream up for her children and a thoughtful care-giver to me. Thankfully, he is also putting up with my motherhood neurosis and thanking me for it at the same time. I will never again have someone in my life who sees every part of me and still promises to stay.
I don’t want to take that for granted.
Marriage is so crazy if you really stop to think hard on it. Two people who think differently trying to stay on the same page. Two people with inevitably different ideas, trying to keep up with each other’s ever-changing approach to life and the world. Two people with crazy business all around them, hardly able to come up for air, let alone to “catch up,” trying to remain understanding and supportive. No wonder they say it’s hard work. But what makes it even crazier is that despite all of that, there is peace in it. There is a comfort in all of the inconsisitency. There is someone to know and love that cannot become too familiar to you, life will not allow for that. As life is always changing, so am I. The things Ryan and I go through will change us both in different ways. There will always be new layers of who we are to reveal. Sometimes we’ll be pleasantly surprised by what’s uncovered. Other times we may discover some ugliness that we need to muddle through once again, we’re only human. Therefore, if you’re an active participant in it, there is one thing marriage can never be, and that is dull.
Sometimes I feel that I know Ryan fully. Other times he’s a complete mystery to me. As confusing and difficult as that can be at times, it’s also one of the many beauties of marriage. I don’t know much, I only know that I want to stick around and experience as much of this husband guy as I possibly can. From what I’ve learned so far, he ain’t half bad. To say I’m thankful for him seems an understatement. But I am.