I want to believe my kids will never drink. That when they’re teens, they’ll never dabble with chasing a buzz or ever drinking under-age at all. I want to believe that they won’t cave to peer pressure. I wish that they were somehow exempt from that particular inevitable adolescent temptation.
As a recovering alcoholic, of course I’m scared for them. And maybe I wish my sobriety would erase any potential addictions that might lie in wait for them. Of course that’s not how it works, so we’ll always talk about it, as we have now, in a way that they can understand for their age.
But the reality is that no matter what a parent does, the issue will arise. Or the glasses will be lifted, so to speak, all around my impressionable offspring. Cheers to high school rebellion!
As much as I’d like to believe my kids are going to take the moral high road, there’s no certainty. So the question will become whether or not they’re going to be honest with us about their choices and then, what are we going to do about those choices? Will I trust they are telling their dad and I the truth? Will I want to hover in this particular area and would I therefore take advantage of every possible means at keeping them from harming themselves due to their immaturity?
I do a lot of thinking about how technology plays a part in the future of the next generation. I’m sure I can’t even begin to imagine what will be available to our children or how it will make it easier for them to get away with more than my generation could. But it actually hadn’t dawned on me at all that one day we parents will be deciding if we would like to combat rebellious teen drinking with technology as well. Then I learned about a new product called Soberlink.
“Soberlink is the very first device that remotely monitors a person’s blood alcohol level without being physically present. Soberlink compiles a sobriety report that transmits from one person’s smart phone to any other phone or email address in the world.” (Taken from the Soberlink site.)
In short, a parent would use SoberLink to have their teen check-in on a night out by taking a techy version of a breathalyzer test:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3JfpQBavB4&feature=player_embedded
I am fascinated by discussion when it comes to monitoring teens, so I wanted to bring that discussion to you. My friend Ellie has also written about this and she brought up the point that having Soberlink with them may help a teen have an excuse for not drinking when pressured. I can’t. My mom and dad check to make sure I don’t drink, with this. I hadn’t thought of that before we talked, but it is one way of looking at it. To be honest, I’m not quite sure what I think about this. I want to believe that my kids will be confident enough to “just say no” and I want to live with the hope that they will. But I’m also not naive and I wonder what Ryan and I would do if one or more of our kids is (God forbid) more rebellious than they happen to be right now. This is such a fine line.
What do you think? Would you monitor your teenage children and their drinking? Do you think Soberlink and other tools like it are a breach of trust? Do you think Soberlink would nurture accountability? I really want to know what you think.
{Although this has been a sponsored post, unless otherwise noted all opinions and thoughts are mine, written with sincerity.}
{ 21 comments }
having been through the teenage years with 3 children, my answer would be…yes. The thought about giving them an excuse to say no is a good one and it works. Peer pressure is stronger than any of us remember it being when we are grown and let me tell you..your children, generally, are doing more than you know or they tell you. We took advantage of the monitoring available on the phone to see the location of where your children are. I could sign on to the computer and see the exact location of my child. my thought is this….the moment and accident happens because of drinking, you will wish you had used whatever technology was available to you. My grown daughter has come back and thanked me for the boundaries I put on her when she was young…..she hated it then, but now as she watches her peers, realizes the benefit and reasons they were enforced!
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Sara, I actually thought of you while I was writing this. I wanted to know what you would say, since you’ve been through the teen years.
Even though I don’t want to force my children to abide by our rules, maybe teens NEED forcing. Since they think they’re invincible, etc.
Then on the other hand, there’s the philosophy that if we trust our kids they will feel trusted and act in a trustworthy way. My parents were like that and even though I didn’t drink, smoke, etc in high school, I sure was trying to get away with whatever I could, even though I felt guilty :)
Parenting is HARD. :)
are you kidding?! i have so much to say that i don’t know where to begin…so, i think i should come back later and post my thoughts (ha)
HA is right. I love it when you get all riled up :)
In advance, let me say that I’m not promoting this product…simply creating discussion around it. I have SO much to say about it, too. I always end up falling somewhere in the middle, able to see both sides of something…and THEN I have to figure out what WE’RE going to do. I’m so glad I have quite a few years :)
Hmmmm… That is a good point about having to explain that your parents make you check in. But kids will find a way around anything. ANYthing. No matter how fool proof it is. I just wonder if this is too much like assuming they will break the law before they actually do? Maybe for kids who have broken our trust already? This would be a good option for those families. But to ASSUME they will drink or not be strong enough seems too helicopterish. They have to learn how to be strong at some point in their lives. I think being more open and being honest about saying that they can tell you anything (without judgment!) is best for most kids. But options are good since no two kids are alike and some kids (like me!) will break the rules just for the sake of breaking them…
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It’s a scary thought to consider what your kids might do when as they grow up. It’s even scarier b/c I’m here. My first baby is in high school. I’m so not ready for this world.
As a child (and other family members) of alcoholics, I never wanted to drink as a teenager. Ever. It terrified me to think that I could act like them. (Let’s just say that they weren’t happy drunks). So I didn’t drink in high school. I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I did experiment and rebell, but with sex. And as a result, I have a kid that is now in high school.
And I’m terrified that he’s going to follow in my foot-steps.
My kids are still years away from this, but I expect I’ll be putting in place every opportunity I can to check in on them. I may not actually USE them, but the kids will know I could. Like parental controls on the computer, cellphone watching, etc. I think kids need to know there are boundaries and that mom and dad will find out sometime, somehow. I won’t check in all the time but they’d know I could. So I’m able to give them that leeway/trust — assume they’re doing what they should be — without sacrificing the responsibility I have as a parent to continue helping them to make good choices.
i teach teens. i mentor a teen. i have a teen. i was a teen. i don’t trust them at all. and i don’t mean that in a harsh way, it’s just that i was trusted to do the right things and i squandered it on binge drinking, beginning in the 8th grade. i was a christian and i threw away a life of freedom for beer, liquor and boys. i finally set up my own boundaries and quit in 11th grade because i was caught by a friend’s parents. we don’t have smart phones because we can’t afford the data plans right now, but if i had access to it, i would use this device. once my older son has the ability to “go out” i am thinking of random drug testing for the whole family. my brother is a recovering alcoholic and lost a 22-year-old son to an accidental overdose of oxycontin. he uses random drug testing now. i feel frantic about keeping my children safe.
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Wow! This had never occurred to me! We tend to have a slightly different view of alcohol in Britain/Europe. Here, it is legal to give a child alcohol in small quantities, in your own home from the age of five. For example, dishes or cakes that contain alcohol. Most parents I know try to normalise alcohol, but give their children a healthy respect for it. So, for example, if we get a bottle of wine for the weekend, we have a glass or two Saturday night, a glass or two Sunday night, and if there’s anything left on Monday I make sure the children see me pour it away. I think it’s also important that the children can say ‘no’ to alcohol, in the same way that they can say ‘no’ to drugs and sex, but also junk food, sugar, cigarettes, etc. Everything in moderation, nothing in excess! Our children are going to encounter alcohol at some point, so I think it’s better that they get their information from home rather than their peers! I’d never consider anything like the Soberlink device.
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We cook with wine all the time. I’m braising short ribs at this very moment! LOL I guess we’re in big trouble!
I do think the attitude is different in Europe, and that makes a difference…moderation is key in all things.
Kathleen Basi recently posted..The Hardest Naptime I Ever Came By
As the mother of a 21 year old son, I completely agree that peer pressure is HUGE and that giving your children an excuse not to indulge in various activities because you are monitoring them is something they will appreciate. A mother of four boys told me that their family had a contract that each boy signed when he got his driver’s license. Consequences for several actions were outlined in the contract so no one was surprised if, and when, the first ticket was received, a curfew wasn’t met, etc. We did the same for our one and only. Just like with every other aspect of parenting, know your children. You will know when they reach the appropriate age what will work for them – and it might not be the same for each child. So then you need the strength to treat each child differently.
A little bit Big Brother, but I can see the positives to it. Here’s the thing: every child is unique. My kids are little. Right now, though, I have battled through the current issues and my 6-yo, the oldest, can be trusted pretty much as far as he needs to. I can trust him to come tell me if he’s going someplace other than where he said, to ask permission, and to obey.
The same cannot be said for my almost-5-y-o. Is that because she hasn’t learned it yet, or because she won’t be compliant? (Also, she’s developmentally delayed.)
As they get older, I have to stay in contact with them and make those determinations: are you responsible, can I trust you? A kid who proves him/herself trustworthy can be given a lot more leeway, and a lot less oversight. At least, that’s the view from one who’s got a long way to go before I get there!
Kathleen Basi recently posted..The Hardest Naptime I Ever Came By
That’s quite a tool. I’m not sure what I think about all the monitoring of kids. I think it speaks to a lack of trust. The problem, of course, with teens is that they want to be independent, they think they can do it all, and they care so very much about what their friends do and say.
My parents were pretty lenient. But, it was clear that I had their trust and respect and losing that would be bad. I think the biggest gift they ever gave me was the confidence to just be me. I don’t know how they did it, but peer pressure never made me do things I didn’t want to do. My husband’s parents were strict and judgmental about so many different things. And he and his siblings got in a WHOLE lot more trouble then my sister or I ever did. They found their way around any hindrance. I think rebellion only works if you have something to rebel against.
It brings to mind a friend of mine’s story about cigarettes. Her dad once saw her smoking in high school. He took her out to dinner, looked at her sadly and said, I understand you have to make your own choices, but I hope you’ll remember that cigarettes took my father’s life, as he honestly cried. She never smoked again. I think all the tools in the world are nothing compared to the relationship we build with our kids. (Though peer pressure is stunning.)
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I’m not sure. I have a kid in high school, plus another who will be a teen in a few months.
My gut is to say no, I wouldn’t use this unless given a reason first. I want to send the message that I trust them to make wise decisions. Our society is in love with surveillance these days. You can’t sit at a red light without a camera pointing at you. I bristle at the thought of being a cop to my kids, presuming them guilty every time they say goodbye on a Friday night.
It makes the parent-child dynamic one of distrust. Why not do random drug, pregnancy, and STD tests, too? You can track everything they do in their cars as well. Then, I read reports from college administrators about helicopter parents and how they stand in the way of maturity and success. When they are 18, legally they can’t be monitored with drug and alcohol testing. When parents rely on technology to keep an eye on their children, what happens when they no longer have access? Kids don’t seem to be able to function these days without the hand of big brother/big mommy directing everything.
These tools may give a kid an excuse to not drink/do drugs, but they also give parents an excuse to not have serious discussions about substance abuse. “Don’t do it because I’ll know!” is a crappy substitute for engaging with sometimes icky, messy discussions of family history and the devastating results of underage drinking.
As the daughter of a now-sober alcoholic, it’s not an issue I take lightly.
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Up to now, it never occurred to me but I think every teenager is different and a parent has to be open to the possibilities. I hope I have the courage & wisdom to know when a device like this might be necessary.
My first thought was, “Wait, you mean to say I can’t freeze my eight year old at this great age where she doesn’t go out without me, ever?” but of course, that isn’t realistic (unless they make an app for that one day…….)
I read all the comments. I think I’m leaning toward the opinion that it would be a great tool if your kids break trust. Of course, I also see the side of using it first and never having an issue.
parenting is hard. I definitely don’t have all the answers.
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Hmmmm, interesting. As someone who also struggled(s?) with addiction I must say it is tempting but also borders on helicopter parenting. The kind that tells our kids that we don’t trust them and we don’t believe in them.
Just my take. Still hovering between yes and no.
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I have teens and I don’t drink so I know the panic you talk about. So far things have been going well with my kids but I am hyper alert to problems (maybe too much). IN fact I worry so much that I worry that if they are being so good now that they will go crazy in college so maybe being too good isn’t good either (see my brain is crazy). Anway, as to the device, I think I would use it if I found one of them to have broken the no drinking rule. I also see that it could help of it as a way of my kid being able to say no (although I do not think of it as a magic bullet, kids will get around the device if they want to).
When my older son goes to a party even though I check with the parents having it etc… I assume alcohol will be there some how or another, someone will sneak it in. I ask how he will handle the situation if it arises and we talk about way she can say no that he is comfortable with.
I think, and I hope I am right, that if you are alert to your kids, stay up until they come home, talk with them, look them in the eye, hug them good night, do their laundry (clean out their pockets), you will find out if they are using drugs or drinking. Maybe it is because I am a recovering alcoholic but I feel I am pretty sensitive to the signs. The phone system might be an aid but I am probaly a better detective. My aunt told me, no matter how tired you are be the parent who offers to pick your kid up from a party and drive him and his friends home–you will learn a lot and your kid will know that you will be there at the end of the night.
The whole conversation about “using the device means don’t you trust them, or asking them to blow in a machine is a sign of lack of trust” is misguided in my opinion. You are expecting too much of a teen. There are all sorts of pressures and developmental things going on. They are not adults and the trust discussion totally misses that point. Would you trust your 4 year old around a pool unsupervised? Of course not. If you rely on trust you may not be protecting your child. Teenagers are still children. They are not adults and depending on the kid they might be developmentally ready fo rthat level of trust.
Also, I struggle with “You can tell us anything, no judgement”. I talk to my kids a lot and they do tell me alot but what if your kid told you he got loaded at a party and he had fun? And then reminded you that you told them they could tell you anything? What if you told him all the wise words about not drinking etc… and they continue to drink? How can you then stick with “You can tell me anything and I will not judge you?”
These are just questions that swim in my head that keep me up at night.
Lisa, you bring up some really good points. MORE food for thought. Parenting is so hard…we have so much to figure out. And it seems that just when we DO figure things out, it’s time to move on to another thing that can’t be figured out!
Your thoughts about trusting a four year old around a pool really got me thinking. Great analogy.
I think this is a really interesting product but I am not sure how I feel about it’s use with my kids. I am not naive enough to think they won’t have the opportunity to drink as teenagers, but I DO believe that you can be a teenager and not drink. In fact I know you can, because I was a teenager who didn’t drink. I actually didn’t have a full drink of any alcoholic beverage until my 21st birthday. Adults that learn that about me make fun of me to this day, which is interesting to me because it doesn’t bother me at all that I didn’t drink ‘early’. I am not sure what exact magical combination my parents used but I never had any interest in it and I knew they wouldn’t want me to do it. So I hung out with mostly people who weren’t interested either. Which obviously helped quite a bit. I never saw it as something I had to do to have fun, I had a lot of fun without it so why mess with the trouble it can cause for underage drinkers and the effects it can have on you when you have too much.
I do know I always want to be the “out” for my kids. I want them to be able to blame me to get out of situations they are uncomfortable in. My parents did that for me and it made it so much easier to do the right thing in the uncomfortable peer-pressure filled world of being a teen. They were perfectly happy to be the “bad guys” where my friends were concerned. If I didn’t want to go somewhere and said no and people were pushing me? I would make up a curfew or a grounding. “Sorry guys, I would totally come but my parents said I have to be home by (insert time here)pm tonight because I was a little late for my curfew the other day. They will kill me and I won’t see you for a week if I don’t go home now.” Things like that. As a parent of course I would prefer that my kids make the right choices just because they are the right choices. But I am realistic enough to understand that teenagers are not always to that point yet and that kids can be very cruel to each other. So if I can be my kids ‘out’ of a situation like that? I can totally play the bad guy. There were not many times growing up I used those sorts of excuses with my friends about my parents, but I did a few times. And it helped.
I am a high school teacher and I can tell you it’s no easier being a teen today than it was when I was a teen, in fact in many ways it’s harder. I can also tell you that it’s so easy to forget how it feels to BE a teen once you are grown up. These kids help me remember that a lot more than most adults I think. High school really is your whole world at the time and it’s really hard for them to see real life beyond that when they are IN high school. The drama seems like the end of the world.
So I could see at minimum using this so my kids could show their friends “see I can’t drink because my stupid parents have this program and they will catch me” if they say no and someone is still pushing them. I would totally consider using it if they broke my trust, but until that happened I don’t think I would use it on a regular basis automatically.
I love your thoughts, Kaycee. It’s so tricky, isn’t it? I don’t think this is something I would use without something happening that would make me feel I HAD to…I don’t know. I’m still thinking on it!
I hope your day is GOOD.
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