It was a hard afternoon. Sometimes I’m just struck with the heaviest feeling, my whole body going kind of weak and I’m just done. I was sitting on the bed with Asher standing next to me. He was looking up at the wall at a vintage print we have of a boy going fishing. I was sitting hunched and staring at him, taking him in and I said, Asher, I love you. He didn’t seem to hear me because he looked right at me suddenly and very seriously said, How come you can’t see God? That’s a good question, honey. Mommy. Lift your head up. Look up. And ask Him. So I did, kind of awkwardly, God, why can’t I see you? and it kind of made me want to cry. I told Asher that I think I can’t see God because He’s a mystery, a good mystery and that what we find out about Him is always about love. […]
Oh friends. I’m sitting here overwhelmed with gratitude for the way you’re taking your time to email me with your stories and/or your willingness for me to ask you some questions if you’ve had your tubes tied. (See part one about the aftermath of a tubal ligation.) Writing about this here has been so eye-opening, and that’s a complete understatement. What I know for sure is that doctors a) don’t know enough about this and/or b) don’t take it seriously by way of blaming other possibilities for the symptoms. But I know, I just know, that there’s no way that it is a coincidence that this many women would be experiencing the same thing after having had their tubes tied. Many of you are asking what my symptoms are and yes, I’m willing to share. The only reason I didn’t in my first post is because I didn’t want to lead people to believe […]
(This post is quite different from my usual, but please hang in there with me because I would love your help. Thank you!) I was talking to a nurse on the phone, wondering if I should come in to see my OB/GYN, the one who I saw through my pregnancies and deliveries with both Asher and Elsie. The nurse said that what I was describing was “post tubal ligation syndrome”. This is not what I was expecting to hear even though I had been researching online and feeling more and more certain that my tubal ligation was to blame for how awful I’m feeling. Not long after Elsie was born, I had this heart-gut feeling that my increased anxiety and depression (and some other physical issues) were due to having had my tubes tied when I had my c-section. But even though I felt strongly that having a tubal has caused something, I didn’t understand what […]
::::: Mommy, do you know what my heart is? What’s your heart, Miles? Elsie. ::::: linking with small moments at bigger picture blogs
We went out for an early Valentine dinner so we could get back for putting Elsie to bed. She needs me at bedtime. We didn’t say, Now no talking about the kids! Because usually I think of the things They say to do and not do and then I fail and think about it too much. So we just did our thing the best we could on that day. We ended up not talking about the kids. I got curious about things I didn’t know, from life Before Us and so I asked a lot of questions and Ryan told me about road trips and moving to Arizona and the last time he saw his Grandma. I told him some stories too and we never run out of them, you know, if we just keep digging. I remember my Grandpa saying that he learned something new about my Grandma every day. I couldn’t really believe […]
That kid’s song says, “it’s alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you” and I always thought it might be a lie. It doesn’t seem like it’s alright. So I would sing it as a kid and it would choke me up right there at school with no reason. It still makes me cry to sing the crying song, especially lately because this anxiety thing is wearing out my body and I’m so damn depressed. You might be wondering why in the world I would listen to that song, but I don’t know, it just came on with the ipod on shuffle because there are a lot of kid songs on there. It takes all I have to give to walk over and turn the power on, make the music start to change the house song, to keep going. But I did the hokey pokey. Miles watched with such intensity waiting […]
I am very stylish in my head. Especially while browsing Pinterest. But in real life, I have a tendency to keep my style in my head and out of my closet and off my body. (Truth be told, even my “My Style” pinboard on Pinterest is anemic.) Maybe it’s mostly this season of parenting, but I’m more of a, OH look! I got out of my yoga pants and into jeans! kind of girl. Also. I don’t love shopping. I consider it a chore and I make it SNAPPY. In the store, off the rack, DONE. When I was pregnant with Elsie, everyone was all, OH I bet you’re having so much fun shopping for a girl! And I was all, uuuuum…yeaaaah. Of course, now that she’s here, it is more fun to dress her than I thought, but I will also admit that I’m totally not an overly ruffly-frilly-pinky lover. (You know, […]
I turned the heat down. The burner was on high and the water was boiling over. I walked away and forgot again and came back to stir and the noodles were kind of stuck on the bottom. Elsie woke up from her nap and she was so snuggly. More snuggly than her usual, with one pudgy hand on either of my cheeks and her face smashed into my chin. She stayed that way a long time and I hugged her back. Then we went to stir and drain the noodles and the steam was going all the way to the ceiling and Elsie stared at it in awe. I turned the heat down in the house because it’s 30 degrees outside and that’s balmy for Minnesota. I knew if I left it up, Miles would sweat in bed later because he’s just such a little hot box. I fed Elsie from her tiny […]
I kind of want to keep each little snapshot version of these children of ours. They just keep changing too fast with all that growing so fast. If we could keep each one, we’d have like 569 Miles’ and 348 Ashers and 72 Elsie Janes. That’s 989 varying sizes of the kids we’ve come to know that are gone and also not gone because they’re all way down deep inside these growing people. If we had kept them all, Newborn Miles and Infant Miles and another Infant Miles and then a Newborn Asher until a Toddler Asher–you get the idea–we’d be bumping around and into each other, and there would be babies and toddlers and preschoolers everywhere and more would be added all the time. They’d look around at their old selves and I’d be all, SEE? Look at you, that’s how you were! And now there you are! Here! And there and there […]
When Asher was a baby and he was crying all the time, I remember trying hard to learn something about faith and then implement it. These were beautiful ideals and I wanted them in my life because I know the peace that comes from actively seeking the heart of God. But what I remember the most is that I was sitting there crossing my fingers and toes and wishing (that’s probably not very Christian) that the person speaking to a room of mothers would add a disclaimer. Something like, Yes, doing all of this will help you and you will feel freedom and peace. But, don’t expect to accomplish this if you aren’t getting any sleep and someone is tugging on you at all times. Then you get a free pass because implementing anything is impossible for you right now and you should just go ahead and expect very little of yourself […]
We found some keys in the parking lot during pick-up from school, on the ground. I picked them up and looked around. No one. I looked for an answer but there were no words. No name or kind of car, just a symbol. I’m sure the symbol should have meant something to me but it didn’t. I needed words. We put the keys on the mirror of the driver’s side on the nearest car and Miles wanted to know what would happen if that wasn’t the right car. I don’t know, honey, but we tried. Maybe the people who find them next will keep trying. The keys were right by that car, so let’s hope we did the right thing. I say, Use your words a lot, all through the day, teaching. Miles says his teacher says that, too. He doesn’t like to talk to her all that much. He says he’s too […]
{Hi there, you! If you’re stopping by from Danielle’s place, the quickest way to learn about this place and this person is to clickety-click on the “Best of” or the “About” click-ables up there. So happy to have you!} I was invited to tell the story of Ryan and Heather in the a love story series with Danielle Burkleo and I said, Why yes, I’d be happy to. (Psssst! Danielle is so totally rad and so is her blog, Take Heart.) So anyway, if you head over there you’ll read about a moment in time that was all of our moments… My heart and soul were pulling past my ribs and reaching for him, that’s what it felt like and it was so palpable it was playing from the stage and in my mind, bringing the questions… You can read the rest over at Take Heart (I think that post will be my […]
::::: “Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh ::::: I miss Ellie. I want to rent an RV and travel to her. I want to pick up our friends and get off the RV like we’re Ty Pennington. I want to pull up to Ellie’s house and jump out the door of the RV and yell in that air horn (is that what it’s called?) GOOOOOD MORNING, ELLIIIIIIE!!!! And then stampede to her and hold her hand. That’s my wish these days and I can be found standing in the kitchen staring off into space while I pretend. I’m a kid when it comes to daydreaming and Winnie the Pooh. Happy weekend, friends. {a big thank you to the lovely Karla of There’s Beauty in the Chaos for the quote} […]
WE {a blog might say} I am a journal for you or for them and always for both pulled out from under the mattress seen. I am not taken seriously until I slap faces with perspective and the resounding gong of the universal human experience, pain-joy. I am a chameleon or a snowflake and always both. I will make you drop your fork to grab a pen to note the story for later’s keyboard. I tell that story, a pixel web vessel for the heart or mind or skill and for all of that and more and for the song to be heard. Behind me is a story-teller a person behind a screen fingers tapping. I am a mouth and an ear, I am the pretty things or the ugly things and always both. opinions words stories quotes voices platforms speaking out pissing off saying it gently like it is loudly like […]
{photo credit} Everything was too hard yesterday. Like how the dish rag was in the bottom of the sink under all the dishes that were filled with water. Uncovering it and rinsing it out and ringing it out would just be too hard so I walked away and left it all there. By three o’clock I was so tired of my own tired with pressure behind the eyes, so I decided to be good and cheerful by making cookies. Except by making cookies I mean the pull apart kind but even then, they kept pulling apart not along the lines so there were big and small ones after baking even though they were supposed to be all one square-gone-round size. Miles thought they were taking too long. Ten minutes from start to finish. Cookies. Done. Not too long. But I understand, I want start to finish now now now, too. We can’t […]
