The man on the news said the temperatures are going up, but for now we’re still hiding mostly inside, under blankets, never without slippers. Put on your mittens, where’s your hat, put your snow pants in your back pack. These bundles of joy are always bundled. Even the dog rushes back in like she’s being chased by backyard chickens, but she’s not because they are safe and warm in the garage coop. I’m pretty sure Elsie believes all chickens live in garages, even if we move them back and forth when the temperatures will let us. My friends from warmer states wonder how we can survive this, and I don’t really know. It’s just what we do. So much of what all of us everywhere do is just what we do. Until something changes, like the way spring sneaks in and reminds us what it feels like to get through. All this blanket […]
Saturday, in a coffee shop, I worked hard. Sending emails and writing posts and writing other things. I got a lot done, there in the caffeinated room, high ceilings, chill in the air from the door opening and closing. My friend Rhonda sat nearby doing her work. She has two daughters and a full-time job and a part-time job–the one she was working on today. We sat apart to stay focused but took breaks together. She loves her coffee strong and so do I but I can’t drink it in the afternoon like she can or I don’t sleep. I called Ryan to check-in and he said he was out with the kids looking at a book store for a new puzzle because we’re almost done with the last one. We do many puzzles in the winter, it started after I quit drinking. Puzzles were a way for me to distract my brain […]
Elsie Jane, my baby turned little girl, just walked by. She’s drag-pulling behind her a wooden wheeled dog on a string, upside down. That little brown toy puppy looks a little distraught over his fate, wood back scraping the wood floor, wheels in the air. Oh look, I told her. It’s upside down. You guys’ll move along a little easier if you turn it over. Elsie stopped abruptly and turned around with a big dramatic gasp, looking down at her puppy. Daddy came up behind her just then and leaned down to help. He turned the toy pup over on its wheels and off they went. Forward. :::: This post was freely written in response to yesterday’s Three Years Sober The words here are a metaphor sort of thing for yesterday’s post. :::: This is the 69th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I […]
My Grandma hopes to move into an independent living place that is attached to an assisted living place. We checked it out last spring and loved that it had a movie theater and yoga classes, but mostly we love it now because two of my Grandma’s sisters live there. For now she’s on the waiting list and the waiting list isn’t budging. That means she stays in her home of so many years and doesn’t really get to know when things will change. Maybe this was the last Christmas Day in that house, maybe it wasn’t. We don’t know yet, and still I tried to decide if I should cry or not. I went downstairs, to the basement with the ping pong table, by myself at one point and stood looking around. I could hear the mumbling of conversation above me, through the floor. An occasional burst of laughter and the stomping quick-feet […]
Ryan walked through the door with Elsie and Asher. Miles and I had fed and watered the chickens and cleaned up the house. I’d been writing and Miles was playing something on the iPad. He’s now off the iPad for fighting with his brother over it. It was Friday. It was supposed to just be movie night and pizza and popcorn night. I held Asher and Elsie close, just like I had squeezed Miles after school. Ryan put an arm around me and I bit back tears because I wasn’t ready to answer “why are you crying, Mommy?” So instead I asked Ryan to start a fire in the fireplace and the kids stayed right there because fires are so cool and good unless you get too close and get burned. We watched over their distance from the danger from our chairs and took in the warmth. We shared time just thinking and […]
I pressed the coin into his glove-covered hand. I want you to have this. It’s the first one I got. It’s the 24 hour one, they give it to you even if it’s been more than 24 hours. It had been a month when I showed up for the first time. I was white knuckling it. I was terrified. Not drinking for the rest of my life seemed like a bad idea. Turns out it really is all about taking 24 hours at a time. One sober person told me at the beginning, don’t think. what are you doing thinking? You can’t think about it! That’s like telling me to stop breathing, that’s what I thought. I suppose he meant something about not thinking about this being for the rest of my life. Just for today. I can do anything for one day, right? Today was no joke, almost three years later. I […]
I wish I would have thought to write down every good thing that hit me in the gut that I’ve heard at recovery meetings. I haven’t. I would love to leaf through that notebook, to be reminded of all the simple truths spoken there. Many of them I’ve heard so many times, but on certain days, I finally really hear them. It would be so nice to look in my notebook, at a date in a corner, to see when I first “got” something and to ask myself if I still have it. In reality, I have no way to do that, except to keep going back. That’s how I’ll be refreshed, I think. When complacency or pride slips in, I can hustle in the door and it will slam behind me and everyone will turn to see and then I’ll sit down and hold my coffee and be changed. All the truths […]
My feet won’t warm up. Today I learned how to make a water warmer for the chicken coop; a thing to set under the water so it doesn’t freeze. Now I just need to actually make the water warmer for the chicken coop. It looks so easy and the post even said it takes less than ten minutes. It’s getting so cold, the water freezes too fast. I’m in and out, trudging across the backyard with my puffy coat on, hood up, to bring fresh warm water that will freeze in about an hour. But I keep doing it, because chickens get thirsty too. So back and forth I go. We went to buy a warmer in the store yesterday but it just felt like there were so many hurdles. The price, the kids asking questions and going into other aisles and then wanting suckers. The farm store always has them asking for […]
About a week ago, we were at a family gathering and I was talking to my brother and sister in law. They asked about the projects I’m working on and when they asked what I speak about when I go around speaking, I said it varies. I added that it’s sometimes about blogging, but mostly it’s about writing in general, or about how I see life…and my voice trailed off when I said that last part and I felt all weird because I can’t figure out how to describe what I mean about that without sounding ridiculous. So I said, You know, like how everything is…so…magical. ahem. Well. If that doesn’t sound kind of made up or trite or silly, I don’t know what does. But maybe the simplest happy thoughts are the best kind to have. I’m not good at simple happy thoughts, but my heart is? I think? My head prefers […]
There’s no point. Before trying to sleep, I had said, “We’re not going to agree here are we, friends?” Where is our time better spent? I wondered that, too. So I hung up, if you can hang up on facebook, which is often a really good idea. Here’s a platform not only for “keeping in touch”, but for constantly impulsively spouting off what we think. Rapid-fire! We are so much better off being quiet and waiting. Immediate gratification is over-rated. I wrote Vikki (who happens to be a lesbian) a letter and she wrote back to me. We made it public in hope. We hoped. Well, we hoped to show what a loving conversation can look like. But then that night, someone on facebook supported the letters and it started, as per usual. We were arguing about homosexuality for all the wrong reasons and am I the only one who can see that? […]
This morning we tag-teamed the routine. Has she had breakfast? Where are the boots? On Saturday it was 65 degrees and this morning there was snow on the ground. Still is. I’ll take Miles to school, you take Asher and Elsie to daycare. I’ll start the van. I tromped down the walk to the van with my boots unzipped, slipping too much at my heels but you hurry in Minnesota, to start the car and rush back in. Asher was suddenly behind me. It’s not time to go, honey. You need to go back in, it’s too cold. I’m just starting the van to warm it up. I know! He loves snow so much. Okay then. Please go inside. I have everything I need, Mommy. He said this while his Spiderman boots flicked snow up on the cuffs of his pants. I have mittens and a hat and boots, so that’s all I […]
I had been away from Thursday to Sunday and it felt terribly long this time. Too many hours were strung together without the sights and smells and really-loud-sounds of home. I told the attendees of BBC Chicago that the chaos of my life breeds my creativity. I stood behind a podium and told my story. I said that without my family, the daily grind, the work of life, I would not write. I would not create. My life and all of its messes, it is the reason I am inspired to allow something artful to flow from me when I can. So on this night I tucked them in and then I climbed up the bunk bed ladder and lay down with Asher. I held the book out in front of him so he could see the occasional pictures. Miles ended up coming up the ladder and climbing in with us. It’s only […]
Yesterday I arrived in Chicago and stood on a curb, waiting for my much appreciated ride. (I’m here to speak at BBC Chicago.) I texted my friend and let her know what vestibule I was standing by and she texted back, stay right there. It made me think of being in the now, you know? The way I have to say to myself, stay right here. Stay right here, over and over. Otherwise I’m always thinking ahead, what’s next, what needs to be done and how will it turn out? What can I do to control it? Stay here now. After some buses moved, I could see that I was standing right in the middle of the rental car pick-up, and if I walked just about twenty steps, I’d be in the right place for a car to pick me up. I had picked the wrong place to stand and so I started […]
Do what you love. Don’t leap before grace. Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose. I have these sayings up around my office. They’ve been there so long, I don’t notice them. It’s funny, how we hang up words that we want to live by and then they become background to living, invisible. I hardly even see them anymore, but every once and a while, I sit and look around and they pull me back to my core, center me and remind me of a few things my spirit knows. Invisible doesn’t have to mean gone. I’m working on a post for tomorrow. It will be up at A Deeper Family. It’s about my grandparents, mostly. It’s part of our story. It’s largely about faith and how they lived it and how I live it the same and differently. It’s mostly God’s story and I wish we could all see that our spiritual paths […]
I’ve probably had too much coffee. I was walking around the bedroom, our bedroom, stepping over dirty clothes and wondering why I went in there. I decided to go down and switch the laundry because the laundry on the floor reminded me. I did that, but I forgot to take the laundry from the floor with me. There’s an anxious pit in my stomach and I’ve never known life without that. Sometimes I remember to stop and ask it why it’s there and much of the time there’s no reason. It just is. Most of the time, I forget about it because it’s all I know. I don’t know what peaceful insides feel like. Please don’t tell me to meditate or pray or take breaks or think differently. I know and do those things, sometimes, and I don’t know, it’s hard to figure and then get a part of yourself out while the […]
My husband comes through the door, shuffling in his slippers. He asks me what I’m still doing up. I’m normally an “early to bed, early to rise” kind of sleeper. I don’t know. I was looking at houses for sale and it’s addicting. I let the iPad fall from my hands to the covers on my belly and yawn while he climbs in and puts his CPAP machine over his goatee, mouth and nose. I giggle. I always do, I can’t help it. I feel like I’m sleeping with a robot or a character out of Star Trek. He has to sort of yell from under the mask for me to hear his seemingly far-away voice… Stop it! Suddenly we’re these parents of three kids and we’re nearing 40 and he has a sleep machine and my favorite thing to do is online real estate searching. I love it. It’s getting too […]
I have a plan, she says. Oh good, I love plans. What is it? I’m going to be an arm chair psychic and have my own television show. I know I’m psychic because I was thinking of a friend and then he called me. We laughed a lot, at this. Yes, yes. Another great plan. Go for it. When people ask how you know you’re psychic, you have SO much proof. No problem! We talked about knowing things. About looking back on the past and celebrating the times we did not get what we thought we wanted. She said, I was going to move to Minneapolis and become a graphic designer. I mean, obviously, if you’re from small town Minnesota, that’s what you do, you strive to move to the Twin Cities. Many of us, anyway. I never did get to Minneapolis, but I’ve had a really interesting life. I got all choked […]
Ask for help. She said, But how? How do you do that? It’s not supposed to be comfortable, you have to be in the discomfort. Let it be uncomfortable. Hi, how are you? Can you help me? Ask that person, the one who loves you so much and so purely that helping you is just fine with them or even better than fine. Like going to a movie or watching fireworks. That’s how people feel about it, you know. They like helping. It’s not pretend and they aren’t lying. Except those that are and if they’ve tricked you before and taken it back or acted put out, they were wrong and you were not. You were strong because it’s weak to carry it all alone. Sorry, but it is. It’s also weak to pretend you like helping if you don’t. I’m not sorry for saying that. We all need to remember that. Me […]
Our house has two walls that are all windows. So I guess they aren’t really walls, they’re windows, but you know what I mean. The light is good by those windows. Elsie was standing in front of one of them, between two pulled back curtains, with her blue eyes shining in that light. She had her little dress pulled up and she was pushing her little finger on her little chubby outie belly button. She caught me staring and she giggled. I giggled back and lifted my shirt just a little and let my not so little belly that has housed three not so little babies stick out just enough to show my mother belly button, all stretched out for them. She giggled more. I put my finger on my belly button and she rushed toward me with her finger still on hers and something pulled from my insides like she was going […]
His hair is getting so long because he wants it that way. He’s going for a cross between an 80’s hair band and a skater dude, but he doesn’t really know that’s what he’s going for. He just wants his hair long like two of his cousins. With his brother and sister in daycare two times a week, I pick him up before Daddy picks them up. It’s just the two of us for two whole hours on Mondays and Fridays. It’s Miles and Mommy Time. That’s what we call it, like it’s a book or a movie, all caps. Today we went to the grocery store and he picked out his snack. Cashews from the bulk bins and a bottle of water. Well, he tried for an orange soda after he had gone to get a water but when he held it up to ask without words and I shook my head, […]
I was rushing to get out the door to pick up Asher at preschool at one end of town and then get his brother in the middle of town and then drive out the other end of town to get Elsie. I wanted candy. I grabbed an apple. GO ME! (I didn’t have any candy.) I was driving with one hand and chomping CRUNCH my green apple in the other and the stem came off. It reminded me of when I was a kid and my friends and I would play the ABC game while twisting the stem. Whatever letter you were on when the stem broke loose was the first letter of your future husband’s name. Of course, we worked hard to pull the stem free at the first letter of the name of the boy we were “going with” at the time. Then we’d play M.A.S.H. on the bus or at […]
Our cupboards are bare. Not of food and pots and pans and a crock pot and vases. There is plenty on the shelves, but we’ve taken all the doors off and pulled all the drawers out. We began a project that seems simple enough until you actually do all the things it takes to do the thing. We need to sand first, but even before that, we’re marking each door and drawer so we remember where they came from. Otherwise it gets to be kind of a puzzle and you have to keep trying each space until the drawer slides in easily or the two doors close up with out banging together. Miles was using the drill to unscrew the hardware and I was pulling the doors off when he’d get to the last screw. Asher was feeding us each one pretzel at a time, while Daddy wrote up a map and numbered […]
Asher passed me saying I can’t find my hair I fight back a giggle what do you mean, sweetie? The hair for my guy! he says it like it’s so obvious. Legos. Oh yes, the Lego hair. I find it later behind the bathroom door so I think it’s poop but it’s bright plastic brown hair. Asher’s hair is so blonde it’s white. He’s not home but I’ll tell him later. This morning he stood next to me feeling the tubing under his skin I said, do you know what that is? No, mommy. That’s the tube that goes up to your head to your shunt and it makes your body work right. His little growing less chubby hand rests there at the tube under his skin next to me on his neck. He looks deep in thought and I tell him that what’s under his skin makes him have tools of power […]
Now I can say I’ve been to Kentucky. I was a first-timer. I can also say Louisville without pronouncing a big E in the middle while also pretending I have a mouthful of marbles or bubble gum. My friend Holli says it would be spelled like this – Luavul (but don’t forget the mouthful). I have been practicing hard. I’m getting very close to letting go and garbling. We Minnaaahhhsoooohhhtaaahns are not terribly good at leaving out vowels…or consonants for that matter. Anyway, ya’ll. I had a fantastic time in Kentucky. I met lovely people. I spent time with Ellie and Holli. I sat under the stars on a perfect Kentucky summer night in an amphitheater while Brandi Carlile completely astounded me with her talents and the talents of her band. I had no idea. I screamed SHE SINGS THIS??? like three times during the concert because when I have heard her […]
The house is growing dark around me. I just got the small people to bed after a busy day of re-entry, all of us home from time away. Ryan and the kids went Up North to stay with Auntie Janie and I was in NYC for BlogHer ’12. Ryan left this morning for a short work trip. He gets back on Wednesday and I leave Thursday for Kentucky. Life is normally not like this. We are not jet-setters. Well, I’m not while he is, but only because he works all over the place sometimes. Something about software. BlogHer ’12 was so beautifully exhausting. I roomed with Ellie and Maggie and I saw so many people I love like crazy and on Saturday night one of my favorites of them wrote on my skin with a big fat marker, “Go to the love.” I had heard this the night before from a new friend. […]
We woke up a little later than usual on Sunday. This only happens when our early bird alarm clock that goes by the name of Miles actually sleeps past 5:45. Oh yes, an early bird he has always been. To roll over to peer one-eyed at the clock and find the first number is a 7 is a true gift. I made coffee and put my feet up, held the iPad and did pretty much nothing. Ryan shifted next to me, he’s always moving. Maybe boys never grow out of that. His newspaper was making those whispering and rustling sounds that only come from those good ol’ feather-light newsprint pages. Asher climbed up next to me and handed me “James and the Giant Peach”. He wanted to know what was going to happen next. Elsie took dominoes from their tin container, one by one, setting them scattered across the table and onto the […]
I thought it would be a good idea to sit down and tackle some things. Just for this moment, while Ryan takes the constantly (not exaggerating) crying and sick Elsie Jane for a walk to distract her. (Thank the good Lord he came home to rescue us.) (Yes, I had her ears checked. They’re fine. She just has a big nasty green slime producing cold. She’s really mad about it.) It wasn’t that good of an idea to sit down for the tackling of the things after all because they are growing around me, as I speak-type. Do you know that feeling like your eyes won’t ever stop reading over lists and lists and lists of things to do and so you just kind of freeze? That’s when a lot of bloggers blog. Just so you know. I realize it makes no sense but it does something in which all the growing of […]
She toddle-followed me to the door, getting nervous. She always wants to go with me, through any door. She wants outside and me. She loves both a whole lot. Elsie Jane, my little but fierce follower. I was dropping her at daycare for the first time. She and her brothers will be there two days a week while I work. Write. Work. Write. Mother. Yes, I bit back tears when I drove away and no, they weren’t guilty tears. They were mother tears stripped of guilt because I’m learning it’s not so much about what I’m doing but what I’m thinking about what I’m doing. I could so easily ask myself if it’s wrong for my kids to be away from me when I’m not actually punching any type of clock, but I’m not. I’m a late bloomer, always so slow to grow up, fighting it. So I easily question myself, assuming I […]
This morning the chickens jumped out the coop and I peeked in their first ever eggs peeked back. I nearly squeeled. I took them in the house and left Ryan a note “from the chickens” For: Ryan… We made you something. From: Haymitch, The Road Runner and Boss Hog. Sorry about the chicken scratch. On Instagram, with this picture, I said “Thanks for the eggs, Haymitch.” Someone asked if the name comes from The Hunger Games and I tried, not so eloquently, to explain. (If you don’t know much about The Hunger Games, Haymitch is a soft-hearted, hardened and drunk human being.) “Yes, actually. I understand Haymitch a little too well. So there’s some meaning for me. Chickens make me feel peaceful and that name reminds me of how much I need that dose of grace. Which sounds weird if chickens aren’t your thing.“ Yesterday a friend told me that Brennan Manning died. (Edited […]
{snapshots from last week’s solo trip} driving alone is a simple pleasure for a mother. There’s no mommy mommy mommy! or fighting from the backseat. No angry babies with screams. just you and the road and the radio. I was nervous, leaving Elsie and the knots in my stomach tried to take over what I could see around me but I took those deep breaths and then I saw it, the way the trees and their shades of green made matte and glossy and it felt like I could touch them through the glass. Deer were out during the day, a mama and her fawn standing in the farmer’s field looking on. No deer in headlights, just that look they get like they must be curious but you can’t tell because it’s as if they’ve had botox for animals or something. They were far enough away to not scare me and so it […]
