Her profile is so much like her oldest brother’s profile. I wonder if she’ll be more like him, or more like Asher? Or just plain different than all of us? For now all we know is that her profile is a lot like her oldest brother’s profile, a boy who will turn six the week after she is born. Ryan and I walked through aisles yesterday and we talked about six years ago. We carried that registering-for-baby-things-gun that beeps. (Yes, we created a registry for a third baby. We did. For moms and grandmas to know what we need, since we did that thing where we got rid of everything somewhere between colic and hydrocephalus…or maybe that was after…whenever it was it was obviously too soon, but we thought we knew we were done. Stress will do that to you…until time passes…I think I’m rambling like this because registering feels greedy even if […]
They went back and forth. Asher said their sister was going to be Superman Girl and Miles tried to correct him with, No Asher. It’s SuperGIRL. He’d say, OH! and then say it “wrong” again. Superman Girl. I love eavesdropping. Yeah, we’re all over here just trying to figure this out. The beautiful reality is slowly settling in…There’s a girl cooking in my belly right now and there’s no way I don’t know that because the ultrasound tech kept saying “See that little hamburger bun?!?” over and over and over… (I will never hear “a bun in the oven” quite the same way ever again. Just saying.) Yup, there’s the girl anatomy! WE GET IT! WE GET IT! I mean, we were already so surprised and we just wanted to keep looking at each other saying “WOW” and “WOW” and “NO WAY” and then she just kept saying hamburger bun. Anyway… That is […]
I got home from Nashville last night wiped out and ready-ready-ready to sit with my boys. We read books and talked about the last few days and we watched some sort of superhero dog movie. We were so happy to see each other, and I swear to you, they aged a year while I was gone. Thicker and longer and deeper and wiser. It’s insane. Later, after the boys were in bed, Ryan said, I still don’t know how you guys did that. He was referring to a story I told him the night before. I said that what we had done makes perfect sense to me–that Katherine and Ellie and I would have such a day with such an ending on our final day together in Nashville. I mean, we attended a conference with approximately 600-something other women, and as much fun as that is, it’s also exhausting. It does things to […]
Now. Can you imagine what that belly is going to look like at 30 weeks? 35?I can tell you. It’s going to look full. And it’s probably going to cover two more rows of tiles on the wall. And then I’ll have a baby. We will have a baby. That’s cool. It will be a boy baby or a girl baby, we don’t know yet. But I’ll tell you on February 1st. Word. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]
He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]
He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]
He didn’t want to go outside when Miles asked. He wanted nothing to do with it, actually. Until he remembered what happens when they come in from outside.His thoughts were something like this…Oh yeah…the warm-up cocoa…which brought onthis… {as he’s running away he’s saying, and then I really want hot cocoa} {and that little blip of me at the end is from an old video I posted and am now trying to record over. Please forgive} {and just pretend my storage space office is super clean and orderly} So. We put on pants and then socks and then snow pants and then a coat and then he added a scarf (of mine) and then a hat (of Daddy’s) and then two mismatched mittens and then boots and then he went out for no longer than 5 minutes and then he was back at the sliding glass door shouting for cocoa. And I quote, […]
Everything keeps coming out wrong. I try to write what this week held and I just can’t. I feel that way about going downstairs to change the laundry, too. I think of doing it and then I just can’t. I walk to the bed and lie down instead, like it’s the only option in the world. That’s what I do sometimes. I suppose it’s pregnancy hormones or the winter blues. It just feels extra cold and dark in every way lately and then when hard things happen, they feel extra hard. My thoughts get too heavy behind my eyes and then I just can’t pick up the book or the phone or write it out or play slap jack again. Or go downstairs for the laundry. Something strange is happening though, because I don’t feel like a horrible person or even a horrible mother over it. This is new. Usually I’m very very […]
Yesterday we decided to be done with Asher’s pacifier. say it ain’t so! (Actually, Ryan decided and I begrudgingly tried hard to see why this made sense on this particular day because yeah, I’m quite easy-going about such things, I’ll admit it–I don’t get all uptight about what the books or other people say about pacifiers.) (And yes, Asher is 3 and a half and still slept with a plastic thing in his mouth.) (Don’t judge.) So last night was the big night, if only on a whim, and so we prepared ourselves for a fight. We prepared ourselves to get up a lot. We tried to prepare Asher by talking about it throughout the evening, before bedtime. He argued a whiny attempt at changing our minds incessantly for the last ten minutes before bed, his enormous blue eyes looking up at us, begging. So we tried bargaining and praising and convincing, etc…infinity… […]
My favorite photos are the ones that capture exactly who they are… Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
{I’m joining Steph today in recapping my words in 2010. Thank you, friend} In 2010I said, Oh friends, here’s my truthand then you were so gracious to me,all year. I told you about the want want wantand the freedom of a safe placeand ended up helping you and me bothin our understanding of addiction and its propensityto steal a person.(I want to always always remember the people in that post.) ::::: In 2010 I came away from many conferences and itmade me want to say,I am not a “big” blogger and neither are you and neither are they-we are all the same and fighting rhinos. (yes, rhinos.)(and I also called Mommybloggers the Mary Kay ladies of the Internet)(ahem) ::::: Then strangely enough I ended up on TVand then it was weird to hear my thick accentand see my frown lines up so close.But you were still so kind and supportiveand loving and I […]
This post was originally written on January 19th, almost a year ago, and on the day before I quit drinking. The experience described in this post was a catalyst for change in my life. Because it’s true, what are we here for, if not to feel fully alive? To take risks and let go…to strive and overcome…to find ourselves wrapped up in the journey while we tell our truths and help each other. The moments with my boys in this post were just the taste I needed of all of that, and I’m so grateful. ::::: We laughed until our cheeks hurt. We burned down that hill like gravity itself with our coats and mittens crackling under the cold and we just couldn’t stop laughing. We bounced and spun and grabbed tightly to each other. We even face planted once, spilling off the sled in a pile, me on top of Miles on […]
Miles and Asher played a significant role in the Christmas program at church… They were a bored and tired shepherd and his lost and lazy sheep…(Yes, shepherds wear black tennis shoes and sheep wear jeans…and glasses.) They totally engaged the audience… and sat poised and ready to sing along with their stablemates…yeah…that sheep was having some issues… and then at the end it was time to stand up and be clapped for, because of all of that effort…would you just look at their hands? just one more time… when you feel shy and nervous and way too over-tired to play your part,reach for your brudder’s hand. The End. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
I came around the corner ready to remind Miles (oh so gently, of course) for the eighth time to brush his teeth and put his pajamas on. Then I saw something that made me have to run for the camera. (Pregnant lady running!) Because strangely enough, in a light bulb moment, Miles had suddenly realized that if he moved the play book stand on the piano, he could stand up, push the keys and watch them move on the inside of the piano…Please forgive the quality of this photo, I was straight up rushed.And yes, the picture on the wall is all kiddywampus, and so is the lamp.most things in life are kiddywampus, no?We need to start piano lessons, actually. Miles is really interested and when he makes up songs he calls them happy or sad or angry and he makes them sound exactly that way. And we didn’t name him M*les K*ng […]
We talk of old things and new things and I’m caught in between with a thousand thoughts and feelings tight in my throat. I feel it all, every memory with their aches and their releasing and then I see the depth and grace of what is happening now. Our bowls are piled high with noodles and vegetables that make a rainbow and it’s all covered over with a sauce that fills every space and covers every color, and we are thick with words and time and now. Two babies are coming and we have babies at home that are kids. We have years with husbands and more years of knowing each other and we watch the history of it all flashing across the table in exchange when we’re together. It seems that’s what happens for me anyway, when I sit with people I’ve always known. It triggers the long long ago past and […]
I was on the other side of the glass, toasty warm. I needed to watch their joy…without putting boots on. They came in quickly and had hot cocoa. {Don’t call it hot chocolate, Asher will tell you it’s cocoa.} Last night we had our first fireplace fire of the year. We all lounged around on the floor and the couch and we told Christmas stories in the dark. Then we remembered Thanksgiving so Ryan and I told the boys about The New World and a fine feast and we figured there was a lot of corn. Asher thought Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria were hilarious names for boats. Things can change really quickly and I have friends with that kind of hard change in their lives so heavy right now. It makes me turn to look around and find thankfulness in white snow and good questions and hysterical giggles. I have no other […]
On this day 3 years ago, I published my first blog post. October 3, 2007. It was a simple post sharing pictures from a day at an orchard. This space had an entirely different name then, and I had very little idea what the blog world was all about. I certainly had no idea what this blogging gig would end up meaning to me. I had no idea it would be this meeting place, this connection to people I’ve come to know and love, people who have supported me with or without telling me they’re reading, through so much. Three years ago, I had no idea, about so many things. In these last few years, our family has walked through Asher’s diagnosis and surgery, moving, my addiction and decision to get sober, and all the changes that every new year brings for any family. I’ve shared so much of our journey in this […]
I am from the wooded countryside, Little Debbie snacks and Grandma’s homemade toast with cinnamon and sugar. I am from a gray split level with a basketball hoop and a crunchy gravel driveway. I am from The Cosby Show and The Smurfs. Dad and Grandma – two weeks ago (Kensington school) I am from lilacs and sunflowers, oaks and pines and crawly things. I am from where the lakes begin and Runestone country. I am from lefse and lutefisk, but I never eat the smelly lutefisk. I am from cribbage players and golfers, ice cream lovers and hot dish makers. I am from Colleen and Dale and Helen and Glenn. I am from humor with loud bursts of laughter and long naps in the recliner. I am from work hard and overcome and trials that make you stronger. Mom’s childhood home I am from pull yourself together and you always belong. I am […]
It seems like they were just babies. Now they’re building a play house in the backyard and I don’t know how that can be. They are exactly who they are for exact reasons. One hides often and the other throws things a lot. They balance each other out and are just exactly perfect exactly how they are. They are good friends, our boys. Every mother wants her children to stay friends for their lifetimes. I’m no exception. I hope they will always put their heads together to find answers and stand up for each other. We all need someone who is always on our side. There are so many exciting things happening for us these days. Our family is in an entirely different place than we were even one year ago. And even with all the changes and so much on our family platter, Ryan and I can still so often be heard […]
When my head is full and my heart is hurting, I need the lake. I need the lake because it claps and waves and pours out. It is music and art and an open willingness. When I think I’ve figured it all out and my end answers bring pain, the lake laughs with its ever-changing redemption, rolling over the rocks and springing up, alive like its breathing and talking. The great pretender, the lake says watch this, and then steals the thunder from the sky and tosses up some rain. I need the lake because it is proof. That there is always a washing away and a miracle. This post is a part of Tuesdays Unwrapped at Chatting at the Sky Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
My Miles, “helping” Daddy build a shed. When my boys came home yesterday, Miles was the first one to bust through the door with a bang. He was talking fast about a park, a place he had played with his cousins on their trip. It seemed very urgent, what he had to say, while he held his hand behind his back. His sun-kissed cheeks were just a shade darker than three days before and I felt like I’d missed so much. It was so good for all of us, this short time apart, but then there he was, somehow suddenly older, maybe even taller, and just so perfect. When he pulled that hand out from behind his back he was saying he found something at that park and then he saved it for me. Here you go, Mama. It’s a small yellow hair binder, one that must have belonged to a busy little […]
The thing about summer in Minnesota, is that it’s so precious, a person hardly even knows where to start to make the most of it. It seems as if it flashes by in a moment and every fall, we Minnaahsoohhtons are left wondering if it really happened or not. We stand in the crisp turned frigid air and wonder how one point on the map can be so full of warmth and vibrant color and then, in an instant, so full of ice and gray. So we gobble up summer, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. See? Miles with friend, Marin oh my, I can’t stand it… look across the lake, at the rain falling over there, but not here um…seriously… little T is such a tasty little morsel.(my life-long friend Jenna’s little girl) Meet Lucy. She is my sister and her family’s dog.Her head is not floating…she’s simply begging to […]
I did some writing for a while in my favorite coffee shop today, but with my boys out of town for a couple of days, I felt the pull back to the quiet house. I looked around and knew there was too much mess and dirty for a clear head, so I cleaned for a while and then I played Super Mario Bros and then cleaned some more. My head is clear now. And so is the counter top and even the under of the couch. My friend came over and we sat on the patio and talked about things that matter and when I look at her I see this beautiful person that reflects me and I feel better about who I am. We are both so broken and so fixed. I made her late for dinner because of stories. Then I got in the car and drove to the grocery store. […]
I feel like I just got home from summer camp. I want to pontificate on my many layered feelings about the BlogHer “camp” experience, but I don’t know that any of us can truly articulate what it was like. And some of us are going to avoid sharing our true feelings in their entirety because let’s face it, everything in life, even beautiful things, have their share of yuck. I returned home last night exhausted, with nothing left but a need to decompress.Ryan wanted to hear about the weekend and I started to tell him stories and then I just stopped and said I was too tired of thinking about it all, even if most of it was absolutely good. There’s just too much to say.For now, let me just tell you the story of Wednesday, the day I flew in to New York City, hopped in a cab and 50 bucks later, […]
I was sitting on a towel in the sand, keeping watch over my two little guppies in the water and soaking up some vitamin D. She walked up next to me while speaking rapid-fire Spanish, an excited expression on her face. I caught about two words, and assumed she was talking about the toys on the beach that my boys were playing with, that they were hers. I tried to answer her. It was awkward. The boys watched. Wait. They did not just watch. It was more than that. They sat enthralled, looks of interest and awe on their faces, defenses down. It’s not that they’ve never been around people who speak something other than English, they have, quite a lot, actually. But maybe it had been a while, or maybe it was just her, this girl, the way she carried herself with such joy. I think that’s what it was. It wasn’t […]
*this just in: I wrote something new for Mama Manifesto and it’s up over there today. It hopefully paints a picture and sends a message and resonates. If not, it’s just about my own bouncy brain and crap television. See you there. I mean, if you go over there. Nicely. And also: Miles and Asher had a combined birthday party recently. Both sides of the family were there, so people who don’t know each other that well from either side were all there. (And yes, it was quite redundant of me to explain that.) Above, you will see Cousin O, to the right, with the squirt gun. And at the far left is Cousin M. Cousin O and Cousin M have rarely been around each other. Which brings me to this conversation between Cousin M (left) and an adult family member. Cousin M – Is O a boy or a girl? (see long-haired […]
Every year around 20,000 people gather in our small Midwestern town, driving from all over the state and neighboring states for camping and music. People come to the concerts hours early, holding their space as close to the front as they can. There’s a fence to hold them back and a large gap in front of that fence in front of the stage. Usually that gap is filled with volunteers, security, people restricted to wheelchairs, and family and friends of band members. I love The David Crowder Band, so I stopped helping backstage (my mom is one of the creators of the festival, so we help each year) to go stand in the gap. I love to turn around every once and a while to look back over the jumping and screaming crowd. At one point, I turned around to see this: Apparently, a young man had been content to stay in the […]
1. Run, don’t walk, to the park. 2. Sneak snacks no matter what time it is. 3. Chase chipmunks with squeal-y matching friends. 4. Skip naps and take long baths, washing off the lake or the pool or the sand or the dirt or the all of the above. 5. Worry less about getting clean and more about getting fun. 6. Look long at the water and the sky while you stay up late.7. In other words, ignore the rules. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
A day at the water park, cooling off in the water and soaking up the sun? Summer bliss in my book. (And this place is a mere three blocks from our house-I love that.) I’m pretty sure these water park days will be ear-marked in the memory books of my boys, too. Asher, Miles and strong friend, E Oh My Serious Fun. I love to watch them play in the water, rush down the slide, water drops dripping from their noses. I love the way water keeps their minds busy for hours, while I sit and take it all in. But this last time, what I loved the most was the way Asher snuggled into me after getting hurt, wrapped in a towel and fell fast asleep. It’s been a really long time since I snuggled a sleeping boy baby, rocking back and forth and nuzzling blond hair. (They are just growing far […]
