Something keeps running through my head. It just up and popped in there one day and now I’m trying to cling to it. Because it’s not the big stuff that I have a tendency to sweat. I’m a survivor of many big things, just like most humans…so I have practice at persevering through pain and carrying on. But I’ve also had a lot of practice with the daily grindand yet it still really gets to me so much of the time.I mean, the thing about the daily grind is that it really won’t ever end.I’m selfish enough to dislike that. stupid kitchen floor always dirty stupid where’s the broom ughworry worry worry (enter big thoughts) why why why are the Legos all over the floor again seriously?It’s 5 freaking 45 what in the world is this child doing UP?worry worry worry (enter more big thoughts)oh I get so sick of meals. Three a […]
Yesterday we decided to be done with Asher’s pacifier. say it ain’t so! (Actually, Ryan decided and I begrudgingly tried hard to see why this made sense on this particular day because yeah, I’m quite easy-going about such things, I’ll admit it–I don’t get all uptight about what the books or other people say about pacifiers.) (And yes, Asher is 3 and a half and still slept with a plastic thing in his mouth.) (Don’t judge.) So last night was the big night, if only on a whim, and so we prepared ourselves for a fight. We prepared ourselves to get up a lot. We tried to prepare Asher by talking about it throughout the evening, before bedtime. He argued a whiny attempt at changing our minds incessantly for the last ten minutes before bed, his enormous blue eyes looking up at us, begging. So we tried bargaining and praising and convincing, etc…infinity… […]
One minute he was on the couch and the next minute, my youngest boy had somehow scurried off, his bare little feet making not a sound. (He looks so tall lately.)I said, Where’d Asher go ? He was just right here. And Ryan shrugged and laughed because talking about Asher just naturally makes a person giggle, even grown men. I went through the dining room and looked through the living room. No Asher. Just silence and the dark except for the Christmas tree lights.I said, I bet he just up and went to bed! And he had. There he was, under the covers, turned on his side, his eyes scrunched closed the way they do for the faking of the sleep. It hadn’t been long enough for real sleep. He smiled a little and we said prayers and goodnight and then I tip-toed out even thought I didn’t have to because obviously he […]
Sunday~November 8, 2009 I’ve never been able to keep a plant alive. It’s not that I forget about the plant, ignore it, leaving it thirsty. It’s more like I over think it, water it too often, and prune it too much. I’m a recovering control freak. I thought about this today as I (conservatively) pruned a plant of ours that’s been living a record amount of time in my care. This plant was given to me after my Grandpa died, and I was afraid from the start that I’d kill it. The difference this time is that I’m being less careful. I’m holding back when I start to worry if I’m doing it just right. Should I water it again, does it seem droopy, the edges of the leaves are getting a little brown, maybe I should move it…. No, I say to myself. It’s fine, it’ll be fine. I’ve simply been letting […]
Wednesday~June 3, 2009 I come from a long line of reactors. (No offense, Mom, it’s just plain true.) We have a tendency to panic in response to pretty much anything. Or at least have a bit of an extreme reaction. Like if someone says, “Oh, I forgot the camera,” we’ll say, “OH MY GOOOSH!” (Gasp, shake head, humph) (My poor husband.) I’ve gotten a bit better about this over the years, if I do say so myself. But it’s especially hard for me to remain cool and calm under pressure. And since a mother is pretty much always under pressure, this is something I struggle with. I heard something recently that I immediately wrote in big letters and stuck to the fridge. It goes like this: DON’T REACT, RESPOND. Um, yeah Heather. That’s kind of obvious isn’t it? Well, for me, NO. I’m someone who needs to mull over what words mean for […]
Posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009I will focus my efforts on helping them build character. I will structure their lives to ensure that when they’re grown,they’ll be successful people. I will read them stories and play them songsthat teach them right from wrong. I will sign them up for activities to make sure they’ll be well-rounded,the type of guys who play sports and at least one instrument. I will take them to church every Sunday,dropping them at their classes and picking them up,to make sure they’ll hear how to live their faith. I will fight to get them into a school that’s just right for them,and then stay on top of homework and grades (and teachers). I will tell them what shows they aren’t allowed to watchand why, and I’ll monitor their computer time. I will feed them fruits and vegetables, whole grains and proteinsto help their bodies grow….. Yes, that’s what I […]
My heart hurt as I watched my one-year-old struggle to get his body to do what his head was asking. I stood and watched as he slowly made his way across the room. He was crawling, then moving up on his knees, then putting one foot out in front of him in an effort to pull himself up and walk. But his weak little legs wouldn’t let him. He cried out in frustration and looked up at me, his eyes asking me to do something. I smiled at him and told him it was okay, that I knew he would walk soon enough. I see the reasons why he struggles more clearly than he does. I’ve known him since before he was here with us, growing and changing by the day. Because I know him, I know it will take some time for him to walk, and I don’t mind a bit. I […]
Ryan and I took the boys and went to play tennis again yesterday. I don’t know why we don’t learn from our mistakes. We really should just give up pretending we can play like we did in high school. We can’t. We actually totally stink. But that isn’t my point. I’m not even that sure what my point is, except I might secretly want reassurance that I’ll have really really nice teenage boys one day. So if you can tell me that I will, please do so in the comments. I want a guarantee though. It’s nice that it will be in writing because it’s on a computer and in the comments. Forever. All Nice Boy Guarantees are appreciated more than words can say. Thank you for that. Oh sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. On the court next to us was a young man (teen) who I will refer to as Sassafrass. […]
9/11 still makes me weepy and a bit off. And it’s a dreary day. Rain makes me weepy and a bit off too. I don’t mind though. Some days are good for being weepy and getting the emotions out. I often sing that little crying song to Miles and Asher, “It’s alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you. It’s alright to cry. It might make you feel better.” Sometimes I sing it to myself too. But in my head rather than out loud. It feels sort of crazy to cry, rock back and forth, and sing. So yeah, I’m a bit off today. I’ve never been good at wrapping my mind around time. When someone said this morning that it has been seven years since the terrorist attack on NYC, I just felt a bit stumped. SEVEN? How is that possible. I’m sure the families of the people who died […]
I want my kids to be angry. Isn’t the color of anger bright red? Yes. Color my children bright red. Color me red while you’re at it. Yes. I mean it. When life calls for it, paint my whole family as red as a tomato, or a fire truck. Sometimes anger is just plain necessary. We don’t give anger enough credit. It rises up in us for a reason, but we try to stop it, prevent it from making us look unstable or out of control. But it isn’t our anger that’s the problem. It’s what we do with our anger that seems to turn it against us. Because most of us have always had a problem with allowing ourselves or those close to us to be angry. Negative emotions seem to scare us. So when we feel this anger, the most harmless of emotions, we mute it. Silence the rising in our […]
Miles made up this song while in time-out yesterday: (Imagine sing-song preschool boy voice) “Dear God,I’m dead.I’m squished.People squished me killed.They were being funny,then I start to feel sad.And I was squished all the time.My life was going to be dead.” Um….Now here’s me defending myself as a loving mother: Really, we don’t ever talk about death and killing, unless he asks questions. Cause he’s three. So we don’t like to push the weight of the world on the poor little guy. Secondly, he had just been “squishing” his brother. Hence, the time out. And lastly, maybe he was just remembering his time in the womb. Because I’m pretty sure he was squished. And maybe that was uncomfortable at times, causing stress. We really are okay parents. At least I’m pretty sure about that. I mean, our nine year old nephew thinks so anyway. Just this last weekend he turned to Ryan and […]
Miles asked, “Why are you giving that man your money, mom?” I paused for a second, thinking of what to say. I wasn’t sure how to explain poverty to the three year old watching from my backseat. I didn’t know how to say that I was giving this man money because a turn in his life had resigned him to asking me for it. There are times when I have to be extra careful, choosing the right words to say. I have to figure out how to describe a person’s situation without taking a bite out of their already waning dignity. After all, this person is standing at a stop light; dirty clothes, unshaven face and a backpack. That’s it. Little dignity. Little pride. Just eyes darting away from my attempts at contact. A sheepish, “thank you, Miss,” after being handed the little spare change I could find after scrounging around, waiting for […]
A friend (who is similar to me in a million ways) was asked something in regard to parenting and her answer was along the lines of, “yeah, it’s good. I mean…I’m adjusting.” Her oldest is almost five. We had a good laugh over that one, but I feel the same way. I love my family. I wouldn’t change a thing. (Well, okay I’d sleep more if I could change one thing. Oh! And less poop, I’d appreciate less poop.) I admit that at times, I resist the complete sacrifice that is required of a mother, at the same time as I fully love being a mother. Such a strange paradox. A tension. A dichotomy. It’s tiring. It is one of the many things about parenting that there was no way to prepare for. Because of this tension, I wear myself out between acting out of a complete and consuming love for my boys, […]
The weekend is here. It’s been a hard week. A death in the family, single-parenting with Ryan out of town, Miles being in the terrible three stage, and Asher being in the terrible teething stage. It’s tricky for me to keep my cool with Miles and Asher. The days are long, and I have to admit that I’m not doing that well. I’m losing my cool more than keeping it. But what pulls me through each day are the very people who wear me out so much. Miles is an absolute joy of a person. He is so curious, full of excitement, sensitive and sweet. Asher is an old soul, so interested in people, so willing to snuggle and freely gives a big, “HI!” to anyone who will listen.So when my back aches and screams at me for lifting Asher off the floor, I do it anyway, because there’s just something about the […]
When Miles was born we planted a new little tree in our front yard. That little tree has been so resilient. It takes a lot for a new tree to make it here in Minnesota. If it’s not winter, covering the earth with ice and snow, it’s not raining enough. So new little trees need a whole lot of love and attention to survive. This particular tree did not receive it’s much needed love and attention however. And yet, there it is, sprouting new leaves each spring, bright with green. I often look at it and wonder how it’s pulling off growing up. Because of it’s resiliency, that little “Miles Tree,” planted in honor of birth, didn’t give up to the curse of the crazy dog and her chain. Last summer our dog, Tia would occasionally be hooked up out front rather than in our fenced backyard. Mostly because Ryan would be in […]
Yesterday the boys and I were on a “venture,” as Miles likes to call a walk in the double stroller. He takes these adventures very seriously and his imagination is always running wild with ideas of what kind of hunt or rescue we’re on. I chug along pushing 50 pounds of children and about 40 pounds of stroller. Sometimes I can’t breathe, especially while headed uphill. So Miles gets frustrated and says things like, “talk to me, Mommy! Why aren’t you talking?!” And I pant out, “I…can’t…” I’m in great shape. Anyway, yesterday I noticed that we were about to come up to a very dead squirrel, one who must have met his fate below a tire. Now most mothers would veer away a bit, attempting to shield their children from such an awful sight. But those are most likely the normal people. I, on the other hand, decided this was an excellent […]
Recently on Twas Brillig, there appeared a hilarious and thought-provoking post. Which happens most every day with that lady. Brillig posed a question. I cannot do her post justice, of course. But since my thoughts were provoked there, she deserves the credit for the subject matter. Here it is: “Do you often feel that you are, in one way or another “better” than the crowd?”Right now the poll is like this:88% YES11% NO At first I thought of how often I feel insecure in a crowd. So my immediate response was NO, I don’t feel “better” than others. I know we all disagree and judge each other on a regular basis. We see something done differently than we would do it and we think it’s wrong, not just simply different. Most of us anyway. But I wonder how much of that comes from how insecure we human-folk really are. It makes us feel […]
The thing about the catscan is that I really don’t think it’s necessary, but it’s quite hard to ignore that the doctor seemed a wee bit concerned. And she is an excellent and seasoned doctor. I’m sure she’s also a bit paranoid that someone might sue her pants off if she didn’t always suggest the tests, there’s always that…. We decided that having the catscan would kill two birds with one stone. Asher is knocked over, hitting his head on the floor – CRACK! – at least three times a day by his brother. Then there are the times he isn’t pushed over, but simply loses his balance and – CRACK! – hits the noggin on the hardwood again and again. Which happens around three times a day as well. Yes, this happens to all babies. They have thick skulls. But I’m convincing myself the catscan will be more worthwhile if we also […]
Sometimes life gets really full of uncomfortable and painful stuff. Then I remember that conversation with my dad when I was about 21. When I said, “is life always hard, or does it ever get easier?” Oh, my naivete! He just looked at me and smirked. A smirk that said, “I don’t want to tell you the truth right now.” And I was crushed. Because I so badly wanted to believe it would get easier, even though I knew deep down that it wouldn’t. Not that life isn’t full of joys, but many times, the sorrows sneak up and try to steal away the good things. You know how there can just be weeks at a time, or sometimes much longer, when you feel you’re treading water and there is absolutely no boat in sight? You know it’s there, coming sometime, but you’re really tired of swimming. Of spinning your wheels. Not getting […]
Do you have that piece of paper handy? The one with the long list of things that, according to the doctor, might be wrong with Asher? I mean, it’s been quite a year. There was concern that he was missing part of his digestive system (xrays at Children’s=no abnormalities). There was concern that he had the worst case of reflux ever to hit a baby (he drinks barium at 2 months, at Children’s, has another xray=we find out he indeed has reflux, but just the usual variety). And then there was the concern that there was a hole in the digestive system (more xrays). And then we saw a GI specialist, etc…. Oh! And don’t forget all that went wrong with the circumsicion and the the urology appointments. Don’t forget that, that’s fun too… Asher is strapped in to some sort of hold-the-baby-upright-device with his arms over his head for these xrays. He […]
You know that old saying, “the truth hurts?” Well, I think it heals. You know, the truth will set you free and all that…I love the idea behind this challenge from Mama Manifesto for that reason. The challenge? GET REAL! If every mom felt free to do so, I think we’d all be a bit more comfortable in our own skin. Not as a justification for the times that we don’t measure up to what we’d like to be doing, but as a recognition that we are only human and can’t be perfect. We all have some things we need work on and we always will. Some are the same and some are different. But admitting them can be the very thing that makes another mom realize she doesn’t have to kill herself to try to be something that another mom is not. (If you’d like to play along, leave a comment with […]
It has been many years since I found “amusement” parks amusing. Call me a park-party-pooper. Hot. Crowds. Sticky stuff on the ground to hop around. Reminds me of the state fair, which most people love, but not so much me. Lines. Sweat. Squinting… Sometimes I would still go, even before I had kids, to humor my friends or family. While trudging along, I would look around at the families with small children and wonder why there were so many. I would wonder how it could be fun at all to chase toddlers through the crowds, change diapers in strange and dirty places, and stand in long lines with impatient wigglers. Sticky. Germs. Five dollars for thirty seconds on the merry-go-round. Ugh… I would watch the little tots on the miniature cars, trains, and boats, waving as they went round and round in small circles. Cameras would be flashing, parents calling out their child’s […]
Like clock-work, each and every morning, my Asher alarm wakes me at 5:07a.m. Sometimes it’s 5:03, but generally, it’s 5:07. He’s quite serious about when things get done. At 5:07, he fully expects to be refreshed with a small bottle. I try to remember to prepare this little dose of libation the night before so when I stumble into the kitchen at 5:08a.m., I don’t have to do any more work than is absolutely necessary. I get Asher, change his soggy pants, feed him the bottle and put him back in his crib. Most times he’s cool with that routine, drifting back to sleep for an hour or two more. Most of the time I try really hard to drift back to sleep for an hour or two more, but for me there’s too much anticipation. Because the next waking is so unpredictable. I try to believe that I’m going to feel rested […]
Remember how I said the daily chores of life really get the best of me sometimes? And I was all, “I’m going to focus on playing with the boys and ‘let go’ of the to-do list, blah blah blah…” Yeah, that. Oh, yeah. That. I guess I can’t totally ignore things that need to get done though, because that’s just gross. You should see my house right now. But I really, really want to ignore it all. During the weeks that Ryan is gone especially (which lately feels like every week), I can’t muster the energy to keep up. I do to some extent, but I’m just so completely exhausted in every possible way that sometimes I just can’t put one foot in front of the other. It’s not always like this, but maybe it’s all the rain. I don’t know. I’ve said this a hundred times, but I’ll say it forever. Single […]
Why would companies that make bibs bring Velcro into my laundry? Did they sit around and say things like, “what mommy doesn’t want a bib Velcroed to her favorite sweater?” Why is the little scoopy thing in the formula (I know, formula=bad) but anyway, why is the scoopy thing all buried in the white powder when you first open it. Gone. At the bottom. Hiding… It’s almost as maddening as opening a new can of coffee and having to dig your way to the caffeine. Can’t they make the wipes so that when you pull one out, you don’t get four? Why are any baby/children clothes made in white? Why is it that all sippies claim they don’t leak, but when you find one upside down in your two-year-old’s bed, there’s always a puddle under it? Why doesn’t playing on the floor with Lego’s or trucks burn more calories? Why don’t they make […]
One of the things about being a stay-at-home mom that I have yet to figure out is prioritizing. I have (almost) completely lost my really quite impressive ability to organize and multi-task. As with many other things, I have kissed them goodbye, reluctantly. But I have to admit it’s painful. Especially if I compare myself to “those” moms, the ones who seem to have it all together. I really do know a few. Real life Martha Stewarts. The ones with clean houses and clean laundry, no piles of paper everywhere, and fresh vegetables from the garden. I think it would be pretty freeing for me to just accept that I am not one of those moms, no matter how much energy I waste trying to be her. For me it’s like trying to be a mathematician, it just isn’t going to happen. I do not possess any gifts remotely close to anything to […]
Over the last week we’ve spent a lot of time with family. In this time, I’ve watched my cousin text message faster than most people can type on an actual keyboard. He’ll have some sort of thumb disorder soon. I asked him if there are texting competitions. He scoffed and rolled his eyes because he’s eighteen. He is way too cool for my humor. Besides, I was interrupting an important texted conversation.This got me thinking about my two boys turning into texting teens. I started to realize that this will most likely be one of the primary ways they communicate. Weird. There will be even more technological advances as the years go by too, that’s a given. Miles and Asher will most likely live a lot like the Jetsons. That totally freaks me out.I noticed that my cousin doesn’t really like talking to his parents, but he will respond to text messages from […]
Heather,Remember what you learned on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at Park Ave. On a regular basis pray with your kids for God to show them a person who needs help, or a way they can serve/assist/love someone in that very day. When they are young that can mean putting it in their terms, like “God, how can I be a superhero today? Give me someone to help and I will help You by helping them.” Then look out! Cause He’ll do it! And it’ll be so much fun to watch! I was wishing that you could have prayed this before we helped a lost dog find it’s way home to a much relieved family the other day. Remember? When you told Miles he had acted like a true superhero saving the day. Now I know that in the future we’d be able to say, “LOOK, God gave us a job just like we […]
Asher woke a little before 5am and I fed him. After that I tried to no avail to get him to go back to sleep. Well, I guess he did for about twenty minutes. I gave up on going back to bed a little after 6am. Here is the list of what I’ve done since we got up:-changed two diapers-fed Asher breakfast-got Miles up when he called out “moooomyyy, I’m uuuuuup!!!”-fed Miles breakfast-got Asher and Miles dressed-discussed numerous topics with Miles including why he’ll go to a new school when he’s 3, why we can’t go to G’ma Mary’s cabin right now, and whether or not he’d like to go back to his room and start the day over being a good listener. (He said no by the way)-took pictures of Honda in driveway for Craigslist-called Ryan about posting on Craigslist-filled out paperwork for preschool in the fall-folded two loads of laundry-put away […]
I have a pretty common conversation with other moms. We talk about whatever struggle is currently on our plates with our kids. We talk about how tired we are. We sometimes complain a little. But I’m thankful for friends who are learning alongside me. I’m thankful that I have friends who will share their true feelings, fears, and even moments that they aren’t too proud of. As parents we are stretched in more ways than we thought possible, no matter what our situation. No matter how many children you have, or what kind of children they are; parenting is something that stretches every part of you. Just when you think you have a challenge all figured out, something changes, completely stomping all over your desire to control everything. What is this stretching? I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but I’ll give it an unworthy try;Before your baby arrives, you expect that […]
