Oh yes I di’id I was going for the Jenna Elfman look… So I have really really short hair now. Maybe if I dye it blonde you can call me Dharma. I’m not even going to tell you how long it had been since I got my haircut last. I’m a whole new woman. Still Heather, but a little Elfmanesque. You never know what’s next. Maybe I’ll even get a new sweater! xoxo
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i don’t know how in the world people this fantastic are mine. but here they are and I am so tired and so overwhelmed and so glad that these are the ones that are mine. he looks so unhappy in this picture but really he’s just watching a show. He’s doing so well with his broken collarbone and sometimes I just cannot for the life of me figure out how kids can be so wise and strong. {I want to randomly take this opportunity to thank my mom and my dad and my sister because without them, while Ryan travels for work, I would certainly lose my ever-lovin’ mind. For instance, my mom is staying overnight this week and last night she was on Elsie duty from 4a.m. on. And she makes dinner. Seriously. Thank you, Family. I love you so much.}
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We went to the farm yesterday. It was the most perfectly beautiful day and we got cotton candy and I ate most of it. Everything felt good about yesterday, but especially how it was so freeing to be able to take Elsie somewhere for the day now that she’s doing better. These are the kinds of things I missed a lot in the last four months. You know, going places without loads and loads of crying. I’m so so grateful. We saw baby chicks and roosters and cows and a pumpkin being catapulted through the air via a trebuchet. Before Elsie was born we would tell people what we thought her name might be and they’d say “Oh! Like Elsie the cow!” and I would say “OR! Like Elsie my Great Aunt!” (In case you don’t know, Elsie is the name of a cartoon cow, the spokescow for the Borden Dairy Company.) […]
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I’m watching her discover her hand. She’s doing what babies do, she’s trying so hard to keep it in focus. I don’t know what that is or who it belongs to but I want it. Her little fist is clenched so tight and her eyes have the intensity behind them that shouts something like awe mingled with frustration. Her whole body shakes with need. She seems to be willing that hand of hers to do something it just will not do. Maybe she wants it to open. Let go. That thumb of hers has been driving her crazy for weeks the way it hides itself between pointer and index, like she’s playing the old trick, I’ve got your nose! She has never taken a pacifier and she wants her thumb but she just can’t seem to free it. I’m looking at her and I’m thinking me too because as much as I want […]
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He’s hilarious, this boy. He gets so so so excited about things like popcorn. He jumps up and down and flaps his arms because Friday night is movie night with popcorn. He also loves Fridays because my sister comes to be with him. They run errands and he calls her Auntie Slushy. That’s because she always gets him an icee slushy from the gas station. And then he says ridiculous things like, Daddy! ‘Go’ means poop AND ‘Go’ means drive! Um. Yeah. I worry about him because of his hydrocephalus. I mean, I worry about shunt malfunctions and when he doesn’t feel right, I hover a bit and I ask a lot of questions. But you know what? Other than that, he’s this boy that I don’t really have to worry about. He’s just so happy. He rolls with the punches. He overcomes. He loves life. He listens and he jumps up to […]
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They are outside in a world I can’t see with ninjas and Star Wars and other strong fighters. Play is where they are. What now, brother? What’s next? There’s never an end to the story they create. Story begins with Play. They happen upon a treasure. A bug or maybe a rock or acorn. They see it this way because story is treasure and taking time for the freedom of fun keeps us fully alive and wanting to tell the story. Friends! Please join the Story Bleed team and the Go Go Gang in celebrating World Wide Day of Play by uploading a photo of your kids at play to the GoGoSqueeZ Facebook page. After the Go Go Gang on Facebook reaches 100,000 playful photos, GoGo SqueeZ will build a playground in an area that’s lacking a fun space to play! I love how this is such a simple way to do […]
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I hope she always loves the mirror this much. I mean, not in a superficial way, but in a I-am-Elsie-Jane-and-I-am-so-lovable kind of way. Do you see the love in her Daddy’s face? I think that will help. {Today our Elsie Jane is three months old}
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Like good ol’ Hootie and the Blowfish like to say/sing, Tiiiiime, why you punish me? Tomorrow Elsie will be three months old, Asher will have his early childhood screening for kindergarten and Miles starts school on Thursday. When I started this blog, Miles and Asher were a toddler and a baby (WHAT?) and Elsie was what they call a glimmer. Miles and I were alone today, visiting with his teacher and then out for lunch. He asked me how he can go to school if he doesn’t spell yet. I explained that he’ll learn and it’s okay not to know things ahead of time. That toddler boy is still in there, wide-eyed and wondering how everything works. He will always be there. Yesterday Ryan took the boys to the State Fair while Elsie and I stayed home. The boys were so tired when they got home, I’m pretty sure they fell asleep with […]
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Miles – 2005 I say every mother needs to trust her heart-gut. She knows, I say. It’s hidden inside her, the answer. Answers to all the many many questions that rise up, all day every day. We’ve made our decisions about Miles and school after years of wrestling with homeschooling versus public or private out-of-home schooling. We made the decision to have him not start school at all last year, after doing more heart-gut wrestling. So now here we are. We’ve made our decisions and I even feel good about them, as good as I can feel when every decision we make always has its right and wrong parts. This boy is going to full-time-is-the-only-option kindergarten at a public school next week. {Rain photo circa 2007} Mothers dream of a person and then grow them in their very soul and bring them here and then release them with a great push. Unleashed […]
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I turned to look at her at dawn.The light was just right. Out loud I said, I can’t believe you’re here. She slept on. No matter what, having Elsie feels like the icing on the cake, like my birthday every day. While Miles gets ready to start school, we start the baby stage again and I think about years of sippy cups and diapers and up-at-night and I’m suddenly grateful. So grateful. I see them, our three kids, up in the unknown future and the now starts to go even faster so I try to stop doing that. I am here in the morning light, for today, looking at her. And then I’m up and I’m wiping the crumbs from the table (again) while the pictures of now are uploading to the computer to be kept for future reference. So I’ll know for sure this really happened. I scrub at the table like […]
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Her eyelashes are getting so long that they go out and curve up and then bend straight out to reach a bit further. It’s like they just got tired and had to lie down. I love that. I love her. She is a spitfire while still being sweet. (LOOK.OUT.) We’re still working on helping her, with all of the pain and crying. This means, because I’m nursing, I eat NOT a variety of things, but more like no dairy-no wheat-no soy…I’m The Accidental Gluten-free Vegan. And I’m hungry. (Don’t worry, Grandma. I’m still eating…it’s just trickier.) Elsie is so worth it and I’m learning that it’s helping her to refrain from a lot of foods I love and so I do. I keep meaning to write a post about The Colic and all that we’ve learned after Asher and now Elsie. I feel like kind of an expert. Like maybe I’m a Doctor […]
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I wake up thinking about another creative endeavor. I think this makes 5 Big Things I dream to do in the world. Number one is mothering, creating humans that live like this. Then the others, they are all of the other artist parts of me, reaching out and begging to explore the story of this life. I wake up with that new idea and then I feel the tap tap tap of the start to the day and I’m on my feet with breakfast and answering questions and rubbing away the sleep from all of our eyes. I’m reaching all around. We talk about finding balance and she has none and neither do I. We talk about accepting that in motherhood and then I think it’s impossible to accept that all at once. The only way to do acceptance is in moments. The balance is not in the big picture. It is in […]
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wicker bending to hold intertwined and tight with empty oval spaces for hands grasping and lifting I’m a wicker basket, I said to myself. I was sitting on the bed, staring down at a storage chest made from wicker. I doubt I can remember the analogy all that well right now, but I’m going to try. It’s 5:30 in the morning in San Diego. Elsie is sleeping soundly for the first time all night…or morning. My lovely friend, co-host to the Serenity Suite and constant helper with all things baby, Ellie, is up with me. We laughed at ourselves because this sweet baby is finally at rest and now we cannot. Our time zones betray us. This trip and conference and hosting of the suite is all so much. It is so much good while it is so exhausting, especially while my head is buzzing with a high-speed need to think only of Elsie while I […]
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I am the kind of girl who buys a ginormous five dollar mirror at a thrift store because there must be a good place for it but I don’t know where. I am the kind of girl that has the ginormous mirror in the basement for over a year. I am the kind of girl who walks by said ginormous mirror every day on the way to the laundry and feels sort of guilty. I am the kind of girl who decides very randomly on a nothing-else-going-on kind of day that the mirror must go on the wall right over there right this very minute, after all this time. (Thank you Ryan and Dad.) I am the kind of girl who notices that the orange curtains can be seen at the same time as the orange pillows now because of the mirror. I am the kind of girl who has to […]
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Elsie Jane, you keep me on my toes. And just look at you… I’m just so glad you’re here. When you’re in the midst of The Colic, you wonder if your baby will ever smile or sit content for even a moment or sleep peacefully. So this small moment? The one up there? I will (prepare for sappy sapperton) cherish it. I will cup my palm around it and gently pull it close. And then I’ll wait for more. There is so much more to come. the girl is mine. (That’s a song lyric, right?) (MY BRAIN!)
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he won’t be the bad guy. Miles asks, can you be at least half bad and he says emphatically NO. I’m good. he is. he is so good. he wants his sister close and he takes each of her knuckles one by one those teeny tiny knuckles between his fingers and he presses softly smiling his cousin gets hurt and he brings it up all day wasn’t that sad when that happened, mama? yes it was, sweetie that’s him. he is sweetness. He is four. We got to keep him, despite every fear and he is so much more than the boy who had brain surgery when he was one and the boy who has a shunt and tubing through his body and the boy with the adorable glasses. He is The Noggin but of course he is Asher. Everything about him is simply who he is, just parts making up the most […]
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Now my hands have found a small back to land on and one of them is always working hard on air bubbles, like morse code; tap-tap-tap, I tell that air up and out, you don’t belong. Now my hands are gently rubbing up and down a tiny spine, wondering how the terrain can be so small for now. I smell her head (of course) and I reach to move my hair in case it might be in her eyes or nose or mouth. She is up on my shoulder and moving my hair reminds me that I haven’t lately or slowly moved my hand around her small head, brushing soft little wisps of her hair into lines. So I do. I move my hand around and around this soft and tiny noggin and I breathe her in. I want to write pure and profound words about her existence and I want everyone in the world to read […]
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1. There are things about each of my children that mirror who I am. Some of these parts are appealing, I suppose. Others…notsomuch. One thing that Miles carries of mine is neither good nor bad. Or, maybe, it’s both good and bad. Memory. Fierce memory. Just today he said, Remember that one time when I was three and that fly landed on my hand and I stood very still and it stayed there a long time. I do remember, mostly. I know he remembers entirely. That boy seemed to enter the world intent on memorizing every moment and everything. He hardly ever cried as a baby, so unlike his brother and sister, and looking at him you would have seen a furrowed and concentrated expression. It’s as if he arrived here knowing everything that was going to happen, an old soul, if you will. And it seems if that’s the case, he just […]
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There are a lot of infomercials on in the night. Every channel it seems. I’ll be up in the night with Elsie, either pacing the floors to lull her to sleep or nursing her in a sleepy haze. And someone is always trying to sell me something if I turn the TV on. When I was up nursing Miles I remember watching Little House on the Prairie a lot. I think there were marathons every night. With Asher I remember watching televangelists a lot. I don’t even like televangelism…at all, but there I would be, zoned out and strangely fascinated. Now, when I’m up with Elsie, I do more reading on my phone than TV-spacing. I read blog posts mostly, and a reflection of the day for we recovering alcoholics. It’s a good start to the day-night. Sidenote: I’m going to just go ahead and point out that I tried to discreetly erase […]
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An interview with Miles: On being five… Me: What did you like about being five? Miles: I can jump high, playing Legos and playing with cars and having races with them. Me: What was your favorite thing about this year? Miles: I liked the water park and I also like going to get Legos. Me: Is there anything you didn’t like? Miles: It’s hard to think of that…I don’t like getting itchy. Or ravioli. {at this point Miles declared the interview over. good thing because my next question was about the five year old boys’ attention span.} ::::: There are so many things I want to say to him and about him on his birthday. So I made him this video and he says it’s cool if I share it with you. {Hat tip to my friend Kim for introducing me to the song in the video so we could both get weepy.} […]
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It’s funny how I remembered but I didn’t really remember… this stage. But then again I guess it’s not that funny. Funny as in weird. I mean, I remember college, but I don’t really remember. I’m listening to music from college and it brings back some of it and all the while Elsie sleeps next to me so far from college and I wish I would be able to remember all of this one day. this day-is-night-and-night-is-day and hard and soft and beautifully difficult stage. we’re both finding our way and we’re doing it together. she will grow more and lose her wrinkles while I grow more and keep mine. The ones that weren’t there in college with these songs but are here now, telling their stories with new songs. and one day I’ll forget, so I lay wide open my heart and leave pieces of it here to look back […]
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Elsie looks nearly identical to Miles as a baby. It makes me think about how we come here– how we arrive as everything we are but nothing like what we will be, all at the same time. I’m not sure how much sense that made. I’m exceptionally tired. Sometimes I forget that I won’t always feel this way. I mean, newborns come as they are but they don’t stay this way. Not long at all. I just love this picture. This is a proud big brother picture. Elsie lost her umbilical cord stubby thing already. It actually got snagged on some clothes. Ouch. But it’s okay, we’re watching it closely. When Asher noticed it was gone he said (excitedly), “LOOK! Her power cord is gone!” These people in my house, they’re something else. Everyone is handling this transition so well, I’m just so grateful. Everything is about Elsie while some things are still […]
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I get them the snack they’ve been asking me to get for over an hour, finally. They rattle off questions, interupting each other and me and they bounce. She starts to grunt, the way she does before she cries. I hurry. I pull clean dishes out of the dishwasher while I one-handed get a glass of milk for Asher. I ask Ryan to go down to change the laundry so we have the favorite blanket clean. I don’t know why, but I always end up using the same one or two things, the ones that have no explanation for why I think they work best. I sit down to nurse her and one or the other calls out for something. I say no not right now and they whine or fuss for waiting. I take a deep breath. She has her days and nights mixed up. She hiccups a lot. I think she […]
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I want to tell you so many things. It has been a scary and exciting and lovely couple of days. I’m too tired to type out all the details, so for now, let’s just welcome… *really fast and suspenseful drumroll please* Elsie Jane!!! (That’s EJ of the EO, I just realized…ha.) Yes. Elsie Jane is here and she’s just…pure…goodness. But… does she look a little suspicious to you? That’s because she’s had a rough night and day, trying to figure out how to breathe. She’s doing so much better now though–breathing more peacefully on her own and slowly getting well enough to leave the special care nursery so we can be together all the time. I can’t wait. She may even be able to come to stay in my room with me tonight or tomorrow morning! Elsie also got to meet her brothers today. They touched her fingers and toes and […]
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I don’t really even know what to say about this. Except that it makes my back hurt and I’m really excited for the person that’s in there to come out. *yaaaawn* P.S. I’m so grateful for all of your kind words on my last post. You people leave me as speechless as that large belly. Thank you for being you. (photo taken with the Droid Retro Camera app.)
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Miles loves playing baseball more and more all the time. This makes his Daddy very very happy. He’ll sit on the couch, leaning into Daddy, asking all kinds of questions about the game, the Twins, how it all works. This makes Daddy very very happy. What’s even better is how happy it makes him. Give the boy Legos, a rousing game of hangman, and some time outside with a bat and ball and his Daddy and then he’s perfectly content. Well. I guess you have to throw in lots and lots of food to realize the full potential of his contentment, but you know what I mean. ::: This post is a part of You Capture at I Should Be Folding Laundry. Thank you, Beth.
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If the weather is perfect for sitting outside at night around a fire making s’mores, then it’s pretty perfect, huh? I will call this photo “MMMMgooooo” This one? “Happy” This one? “Who Cares About S’mores Just Look at Those Lashes” Lastly, I am calling this photo “Peek-aaaah-BOOM” photo credit: husband By the way, this baby girl is very very busy at certain times of the day. She takes a spin class, I swear. I had a dream last night that she was about one and she was all.over.the.place. We’ll see… Last night when we were eating s’mores, I turned to Ryan and said a first and middle name for our girl. It felt like The One. He thought so too. We’ve known for a long time that we like a few names, but we were having trouble feeling sure. We still won’t feel entirely sure until we see her, but […]
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The always dirty little feet. Eating outside…or not eating, if you’re Asher. Which is the way it goes most of the time. Miles eats ravenously while Asher remains terribly distracted. Don’t worry, he’s still growing. The climbing of the apple trees. (Apples coming soon.) And um…yeah…happy small people. Last night we were eating outside and I looked around and said to my three people, Pretty soon there will be another one of us out here. Then she started hiccuping, shaking both of our bellies, as if to say I’m already here! Spring is good.
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Yes. I am very very tall. Also. This… They are feeling the buds on the new little leaves. They said Wow, they’re soft. I say, Thank you Minnesota, for finally pulling off some spring. We’re reveling in it.
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My heart gets all swelly, looking at these photos. So I had to show you. We’re doing a lot of relaxing and hanging out and chillin’ like villains over here. My contractions are normal again, for this stage in pregnancy, and everything is…calm, which is encouraging us to believe that everything is going to be okay with this whole pre-term labor thing. Color me overly thankful. I’m 32 weeks pregnant now and it’s May. Can you believe it’s May? Me either. April flew by in a way that sort of freaks me out. Ryan and I both have birthdays in May. For my birthday this year, we’re taking the boys and their cousins to Lego Kidsfest in Minneapolis. I’m seriously excited about this. The boys are going to be in building and creating heaven and I get to watch. (There are still tickets available, so if you’re a […]
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