I want to remember it all.How can we spend so many hours in a daytrying and then forget the vibrant colors,the details and sounds and smellsand all the minutes?I get sad over that. I’m left with bits and pieces,when I look backover just one year. There are only parts of picturesflashing through my mind,the whole erased with the addingof hundreds of long days. These days are too beautiful and messyand hard and goodto forget, but I will.I will only remember theparts that were the most feltand so I work on feeling. And then the shadows of all these things,dark and vibrant, light at the edges,will make a home in my heart.Even while the colors escape my mind. And I will know it allbecame a part of me.Of us. The way we spent our daystryingtogether.The long hours spentin the hard and the goodand the beautiful and the messy. The shadow of always belongingtucked there […]
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand-in-hand.”{Emily Kimbrough} Motherhood has shown me how little I know about much of anything. It started right away. I thought I would know exactly what to do {pffft}, but I second-guessed everything. So much of the time, this unknowledge loomed over me, past and present and future. I knew instantly that I desperately wanted control of everything and I had control of nothing. It was terrifying. To fiercely want to protect while feeling so helpless. Sometimes it feels like all I’ve done since we had our boys is stand in one place trying to figure things out. Thinking about how to do right by them or fix this or that while all the clashing thoughts bounce around my head and heart. Most often, by the time I work through the mess and come up the best possible response, […]
Part of healing is building something new. Part of letting go is creating. Part of growing is doing. I’ve never been all that good at the doing part. I want the pictures in my mind to appear in real life with little to no effort. That goes for both who I want to be and what I want around me. Lately, instead of looking for perfection (those pictures in my head), I’m looking simply for progress. It helps me to have a concrete plan and accountability. Without the second part of the formula, my lack of discipline rears its ugly head and strikes me lazy every time. So annoying. That being said, I wanted to share here (accountability) what Ryan and I are doing these days. You see, our new house needs some TLC. The problem is, we are the type of people that ramble on and on with ideas and say this […]
I wore makeup yesterday. (And yes, the same sweater I wear all the time. I wore that too.) (I asked google if makeup should be makeup or make-up or make up and google said, all of the above.) (All of the above makes me feel itchy. Any of them will be fine? Huh, I don’t know. I like one right answer…I’m working on that.) Ryan and I brought our beautiful boys-with streaks of makeup on their faces-to my Mom, and then we kissed them on their soft cheeks, goodbye we said, and then we drove to Minneapolis to see Ryan’s brother perform at the Walker Art Center. You see, Ryan’s exceptionally talented musician brother, Dave was being honored at a two day event…The concert was a wordless kind of amazing.(I would have taken pictures, but I was all worried that it was against the rules and that’s another thing that makes me itchy, […]
This is how Asher countswhile playing hide-n-seek.He counts to five, very slowlywith his ears coveredand his eyes scrunched shutand then heROARS.After that, he’s off to seek the hider,as if his little routine was entirely necessary. (The above photo-with the nice view of brownies in and around his mouth-was taken at The Point Of ROAR. You’re welcome.) His roar is not quiet at all,but it’s all he hears with his covered ears,so to him?Quiet. Sometimes that’s what we all need to do, huh?Block out the world and let out a roar.And then we’re off to seek and find… Go ahead,ROARand thenShhhhh…. Your insides will thank you. P.S. I’m getting back into a more regular writing routine over at the Mama Manifesto. I have a post over there today about kids and how early in life they learn to hide their feelings. (I know, ACK!) Go on and check it out if you’d like. I […]
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,so as to have the life that is waiting for us. E. M. Forster ~~~~~~~~~~ Watcha guys doin’? Just waitin’ for Daddy… It sure can be hard to wait. So you might as well come up with something to do. And have a little fun while you’re at it. Brothers are good for that. Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. Sarah Ban Breathnach Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
Yeah, um…just ignore the peeking and the food… And the peeking and the food. These boys, they have my heart. And Miles has Olivia’s.Check it… Olivia spent her time in Sunday school making thispuffy heart creation for my boy.I adore her. You remember Olivia, right? The daughter of one of my best friends? Seriously. Also, I’ve been interviewed. You can click on the picture below to check that out.My answers are riveting, so you probably shouldn’t miss it. Thank you, Joanne! Peace. This post is a part of You Capture at I Should Be Folding Laundry Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
At a time when my life isless about mebut more about meblogging can be confusing. The egobad selfish The healinggood selfish The bloggingbothif I’m not careful. For now I think I’m doing alright.I’m not sitting here thinking that people who read my blog are dying to know what I’m doinghow I amtheir world revolving around my every word. I’m not. I just love to writeand my journey into recovery is theinevitable story I have to tellnow. But not the only story. Sometimes my stories are just aboutfur and feet… I’ve been looking closely at these little feet, They are Asher’s feetand they are long with many linesjust like mine. And then down here,that’s Tia in the sun.She drives me crazybut I still love herand she photographs well, And as I look over that picture I rememberhow Tia is largely the reason I quit drinking that nightbut that’s yet another story about addiction and […]
This week’s You Capture assignment was Work. I do so much work, there are just simply an endless amount of pictures to choose from-me scrubbing the kitchen floor, me shoveling the driveway, me lugging laundry baskets…but I think I’ll go with this one, for Beth… OK fine. I don’t actually have any pictures of that other stuff. Now back to the weird picture… First of all, it is a whole lot of work getting your mouth puckered like that. Just enough to look very serious about cleaning the bathroom, which is what I was about to do. (Which is the epitome of work, is it not? The bathroom? Gross.) Also, it’s kind of a work of art, getting the pucker to create jowls like that. (I even edited some of the jowl/wrinkles, no lie.) Let me guess what your questions are. Heather, how do we know you were working in this picture? Why […]
“Sometimes grace works like water wings when you feel you are sinking.” – Anne Lamott Reflection Support Wisdom Surrender Humor “It’s incredibly touching when someone who seems so hopeless finds a few inches of light to stand in and makes everything work as well as possible. All of us lurch and fall, sit in the dirt, are helped to our feet, keep moving, feel like idiots, lose our balance, gain it, help others get back on their feet, and keep going… These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, and that I danced.” – from Grace(Eventually) by Anne Lamott Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
He is feistyand he’s thoughtfuland he’s stubbornand he’s my helperand he laughs at my jokes andI laugh at his He’s my big boywho just had tiny newborn feet ten minutes agoit seems… he’s my Milesand I’m crazy about him. He even loves my storiesabout a little boy named Jileswho lovespicklesand turns greenand grows wingsand flies over the backyard fence… He’s got many facesand I’m the one whogets to see them,really see them. ~~~~~~~ Let’s not forget this face,my Asher Seriously. ~~~~~~~ This post is a part of You Capture~Faces, at I Should Be Folding LaundryThank you, Beth. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
I was thinking about me and the way I’ve been livingand I was struck with this awful thought. Motherhood did not change me for the better. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe motherhoodand it’s repetitive sameness and overwhelming emotionssent me spinning and I choseto cope with that in damaging ways… That may be the hard truthbut there’s another one,a truth in the moments I have been clinging to all along. No. Motherhood didn’t change mein the ways that I hoped it would, but… my boys sure are. They are my teachers of joy and kindness,my little mentors on how to love. And that, is what I’m going to choose to think about.These beautiful boys are changing me with who they are,even when motherhood is not and until it does. ~~~~~~~ Mothers are coping everywhere and not talking about it. What I wrote above is not implying that my boys are the reason I drank, but […]
Thursday~January 14, 2010 our backyard – first winter 2010 This Winter started us off in constant motion. Holidays, lots of sickness, moving house. We were moving forward so fast it was much like that cold gust of wind to your face. That gasp-catching of breath, impossible to breathe. backyard – January 11, 2010 We’ve been moving like that for so long. So busy. So much. We’re so ready to slow down and just be, just simplify. inches – January 11, 2010 My mind is whirling with what changes need to be made, what colors to paint, what furniture we need or don’t need. What is excess and what is just right? What needs emptying out and what needs keeping, inside of me and out. So we’ve decided to stop. To leave it for Spring while our wheels creak and grind, slowing and coming to an unfamiliar halt. Less. Less worrying about a clean […]
Thursday~January 7, 2010 Let’s start with this one from July at BlogHer. Lee and Deb, you’re welcome. Another BlogHer favorite. Kim and Libby, the very best kind of room-sharing friends… And then a couple of my besties, Kim and Carrie.Oh how I love this picture… And now for the cutest boys in all the land… My Miles My Asher Miles and his cousin, Max… Oh my little paci-lover…I love you… Um…a little too GQ for me, child. Tone it down… Ash Man, I’m ever thankful you arehealthy and you are here… And lastly, a shadow photo that I LOVE fromour family’s walk for Tuesday Whitt.Tuesday’s battle with cancer will be with me always.As a new year rushes on, I pray peace for the Whitt family.Please remember them, especially January 30th, the day they lost Tuesday… Pictures and words, they tell our stories.Let’s take a whole lot of pictures in 2010, shall we? You […]
Thursday~January 7, 2010 For You Capture this week, Beth’s assignment was to post your favorite photos of 2009. In my computer, there are thousands of 2009 pictures and I think I might love them all. What to do? What to do? I guess this will be a two post kind of day. Or maybe three or twelve. Kidding. Maybe. Let’s start with some favorite recent photos. We’ll call them moving house and holidays and snow photos…because that’s quite a good title for something… Here goes nothin‘! The day we moved, I took a gazillion photos of things we saw every day, to remember them. Like the window with the electric candle in it over at the house of The Best Neighbors in the Universe And The Best Neighbors in the Universe themselves. (Yes, that’s me crying because I’m going to miss them…and I do. A lot.) Looks like a good day for a […]
Thursday~December 17, 2009 Miles did our Christmas decorating this year. I believe he has a gift. All I had to do was sit at the table and watch. These are all of our decorations, you know, since we’re moving.I’m cool with that.All that really matters is that proud little grin anyway. ~~~~~ Not only is Miles helpful, he’s also hilarious. Just the other day he said,Daddy, your loud talking is crazing me out. Go ahead and steal the phrase crazing me out. You’re welcome. ~~~~~ Head on over to You Capture at I Should Be Folding Laundry for more Decor photos. ~~~~~P.S. Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. That was the kind of post I hesitate to publish in all my fear and insecurity, all worried that I won’t be understood. So honestly, I was relieved and humbled and simply blown away by your encouraging comments. You […]
Sunday~December 13, 2009 Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. Then I felt guilty and weak. I’m beginning to think that’s the root of many a mother’s problem, this inability to allow ourselves some grace for being simply human. This expectation we put on ourselves to be strong and under control and unaffected by how hard life can be much of the time. We forget to feel, to simply say this is hard, feeling the emotion of it, really feeling it, taking a little care of ourselves and then moving on. We suppress it instead, thinking we must just keep going, and then sooner or later it’s just too much. We tell ourselves we have it easier than so many others so buck up self! When really, yes, there are all different degrees of hard…but they’re all still hard. Anyway… This morning I woke up feeling better than I have all month, […]
Friday~November 27, 2009 We ate like… Well, like cows… constantly grazing… with thanksgiving in our hearts and on our tongues. And it was good. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
Thursday~November 12, 2009 I need to rake I need to put away the clothes sitting outside Miles’ room I need to clean off the table and refill the fruit bowl and do dishes I don’t even really know what I need to do about this I need to shower and clean the mirror and throw out that old and very stained towel But I think I’ll just get dressed and take the boys to the play place at the community center to get their wiggles out. Because that’s what they need. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This post is a part of You Capture: Real Life over at I Should Be Folding Laundry. P.S. Because I’ve been over-posting lately (I don’t know what the deal is with that? Maybe how I handle moving stress? Procrastination? Could be?) you may have missed my last post with pictures of Asher in his second pair of glasses. You can see […]
Thursday~November 5, 2009 He saw the world through new eyes, had ice cream for a Getting Glasses Celebration, got the wiggles out because of the sugar from theGetting Glasses Celebration, and then he said CHEESE a lot to appease hisMother Who Snaps a Gazillion Photos. Then last night as the sun setso did his love for his glasses. I said you get to wear them again tomorrowand he said NO. I put them on him this morning and he didn’t seem to mind them.PHEW, I said. Then I turned to look at himand he was doing this… Yes, less than 24 hours after the Getting Glasses Celebration,the spectacles are completely bent and no longer can be placed on the noggin. Oh my sanity, I’ll miss you. (He’s too cute. I can’t even stay mad.) Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. […]
Sunday~November 1st, 2009 They put on costumes, the kind that made them feel powerfuland brave enough to knock on the doors of strangers,even strangers with masks and painted faces… (well, okay. Sorta brave.) They hurried from one house to the next,less concerned with the fear factorand more concerned with the treat factor… (Superman, all covered in his coat) They went to a Halloween party, the kind that makes you feel like you bobbed for an appleand got the biggest one… with the best toys and the best view… and good friends…(Liam, my friend Susan’s sweet boy) Halloween is so much fun… Thank you, Susan. You brought the MAGICALto Halloween this year. (That’s Susan as Princess Leia AND as the Bumble Bee, pictured above.Yeah, she rocks the Halloween party. You can visit her at Warm Chocolate Milk.) Happy Halloween! (late) Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading […]
Sunday~September 27, 2009 As you scroll (ever so slowly) through the pictures in this post, you will certainly become only a pile of goo upon your keyboard. Now let it be known! I am not responsible for any tears you may shed, or for that goo you will become. But I will take credit for the grin on your face. You’re welcome. Look out, now. You will be melted! (You have been warned.) I wonder who will marry first? Miles and Olivia? Olivia (conveniently our close friends’ daughter) and Miles If they continue to make each other this happy? Marriage is NOT a bad idea. But then there’s the little brother and the little sister… Will Asher and Ellorie be the first ones to say “I do?” (Forgive the poor blurred quality of this photo,it’s just that they move so fast-pun intended.) A kiss for an upset Asher… I’m terribly sorry. But our […]
Friday~September 25, 2009 There are all kinds of super heroes… costumed kiddos who believe they can save the world, a Grandpa with strong hands and a huge heart, resilient little boys who spendtoo much time at the doctor’s office, good friends who love your messy self just how you are, and maybe even me. A super hero of the mothering kind. This post is a part of Better in Bulk’s Give Me Your Best Shot. Speaking of super heroes, my friend Jo over at Mylestones wrote an absolutely beautiful post you need to check out. It’s your one and only Friday link from me this week. It deserves center stage. Happy weekend! Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
Tuesday~September 22, 2009 I would like to introduce you to Mona… Yes, I said Mona. Maybe you’ve met her? If not, please welcome her. (Clap now. She deserves some applause, she’sbeen in my bag for quite some time now.) Mona is making her way around (almost) all 50 statesvia the blogosphere, and she’s doing it in only 5 days!When she arrived for her visit with us here in the lovely Minnesota,she wanted to head straight out to see the world around her.I said, “That’s my kinda superhero/blog traveler!” So we strapped her in the car and off we went. (She asked if we could pull a Thelma and Louiseby running away from life and then driving off a cliff,but I said, “Are you kidding me? My kids are in the car!”So we went to the Farmer’s Market instead.) Mona may not be Minnesotan, but she sure knows how to pick her corn! Next, […]
Thursday~September 17th, 2009 This week, Beth’s challenge for You Capture was MACRO. So I got up close (but not that personal) to a few things I see all the time, every day. It amazes me how I can find the beauty even in the most familiar of things, if I take the time to look closely… Asher shoots water from a balloon to his face for a “drink.” (Yes, until it gets too cold outside, I do see water balloons daily.) One of the first fallen leaves from the “Miles Tree” in our front yard. I found beautiful little dirty and worn out details in three more things.Let’s see if you can guess what these ordinary things are… You can check out more close-ups, or learn how to join in next week by clicking on the picture below… Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my […]
Tuesday~September 15, 2009 I’ll never forget taking Miles to his first big event when he was about two weeks old. I was a mess of hormones, a lactating machine filled with angst, joy, and fear all at once. In short, I was a complete mess and somehow, I was absolutely loving it. Those first days, they all ran together and felt as if they’d last forever. Such a strange thing, being so tired that you just want your baby to hurry up and grow, and yet wanting them to be newly born and in your arms your entire life. And then you want a break so badly, you come close to asking the mailman to babysit so you can run around the block. And then you want to wake that sweet little monster up after he finally falls asleep because you suddenly miss him…yes, it’s crazy-making, alright. My mom was holding him on […]
A hastily stolen photoin the park of her this lovely little lady I don’t know I watched her secretly hoping that when the years make me herI’ll read booksin the park I want to walk the pathscarrying the storiesof my lifein my heartjust as I carrythe bound pagesunder my arm All those brokenlovely storiesmixed with fictionof poetryhistoryand humor I hope I take that uneasy walkthenafter the years have passed and nowwhile I’m navigating this paththe uneasy roadof the unknown leaps of faith scraping stepsstooped backhands holding tightlyto stay up Broken working my wayto the benchthat’s too lowand not softbut somehow just right I hope that when life calls outin the flowers and the breeze I’ll answerthen and now to keep livingthe brokenand the lovely Life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week’s You Capture assignment was to photograph somethingyou’ve never photographed before.The above photo is my contribution to the task. VisitBeth at I Should Be Folding Laundry.(She […]
You take pictures in a mirror… and then you try to capture your child in the shot while hoping it will look artsy… while playing peek-a-boo… and standing on the toilet,totally confusing said artsy shot child. The End. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
WEIRD: A PICTURE STORY Asher realizes something crazy is going on behind him,some kind of weird, dressed up madness… He can’t quite figure out what’s wrong with these people,but he knows…there’s obviously something wrong… He thinks on it, while the strange beings eat… And then he notices the chips beside him, so he eats instead of thinking… While eating he takes a moment to look down… Weird, he thinks. I’m wearing navy blue socks and green shoes…with shorts!!! Oh my…Where’s my Spiderman costume?And um…who dressed me like this? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We’ve had a fun-filled day of web-shooting and laughing and adventuring with Cousin O. (If anyone can guess what the ‘O’ stands for…well, I’ll seriously be shocked. It’s a uniquely lovely name…but I bet you can’t guess it.) P.S. I promise I won’t put socks with Crocs tomorrow. You’re welcome. UPDATE: Fine, I’ll tell you! He’s OTIS! And he rocks. Thank you for allowing […]
Monday~ August 17, 2009 We’ve been away. A long drive not making good timeto the cabinLaughing over I Spyand having treats Small stretched legs randiscovering and standing in awe Fresh airwalks through the treesand adventures down Main Street An afternoon movieduring a child’s long napCrease lines on faces fresh awake Restless nights in not-our-bedsSmall knees pressed close to my sideunder coversExhausted sighs in the night Early morning risesand a puzzle done in three hours There, at the cabin. Out to eat and then eat some more Rain on the roof and in the grassMud on our shoes and clothesChange the muddy shorts outsideand move on Nanny’s hugs and kissesBapa’s pocket with pencil and gum French toast and coffeeand then catching up on books Hard work, itching for releaseEscaping It’s good to get away. I tilted my head just like Miles doeswhen he stops to really think,my chin down just somy eyes wide and […]
