It wasn’t easy having a baby at BlogHer. It was worth it, but it wasn’t easy. My head was split in half, covering her needs and trying to stay focused on all that needed to be done for the Serenity Suite. {This is where I say the hugest thank you EVER to Ellie, for her support and hard work the entire three days. This woman embodies what friendship really means. Truly.} One morning, after Ellie went out to grab coffee for both of us, I ordered room service and then promptly forgot that I ordered room service. Then I put Elsie in her car seat, set her on the bathroom floor and got in the shower. Then, when I heard a loud knock on the door, I WONDERED WHY. Until this thought passed through my cluttered synapses… OH YEAH. OATMEAL. So I hopped out of the shower, threw a towel around my drippy […]
My Dad asked about postpartum depression yesterday. He asked when it usually sets in. I couldn’t clear my head to answer the question because I don’t sleep enough to have normal conversations. I don’t know exactly what I said, but what I meant was something like, “as soon as the baby comes out…or anytime after that. Or even while you’re still pregnant.” I don’t know if it’s happening to me. Again. Maybe it is. It’s hard to tell without sleeping much at all. What I do know is that this is hard and that I cry a lot. As much as I don’t want to cry, as much as I just want to constantly feel joy, that’s not my reality. Sometimes I cry because I sing to Elsie when she’s crying and I just can’t hold it back. I’m a horrible singer and I really really mean the words… There you go with […]
The computer actually coughed when I pushed the power button to wait for the screen to light up. cough cough whir sputter cough vroom! (success was slow in coming) Either this old PC of ours wants to be a part of the Influenza ridden crew that is my family, or it had actually been that long since I last turned it on. Or both. It’s probably both. Our little Asher sounds much the same. rev rev cough cough whir sputter cough And now it seems it’s Daddy’s turn, but his is more like a COUGH COUGH wheeze COUGH COUGH. (I capitalize for BIGGER COUGH) (poor guy) Me? I’m on day 4 (I think?) of uuugggggghhh and isolation in the bedroom, talking to myself and hoisting my pregnant belly from side to side. (not that I’d be complaining) (but I do actually have a sore on one elbow from all the hours of hoisting) (good grief) Seriously, […]
{those of you who have been around awhile will recognize this post. It was originally posted on 9.23.09 and came to be known as The Dust Bunny post. I share it again today because it’s Valentine’s Day and so I’m reminded that love is best when the darkest places are uncovered.} There are dust bunnies. So many. They are under the bed and in me, scurrying across the wooden floors of my home and my heart. They are moving much too fast through the empty, bumping into toys and crayons and dried up play-doh, then coming to a weary stop. It seems no matter how we try to keep up with them, they are winning. So we sweep up only the ones that are out in the open and then we leave the house, coming and going with the living of everyday life. We could hold them out in the palms of our […]
I got home from Nashville last night wiped out and ready-ready-ready to sit with my boys. We read books and talked about the last few days and we watched some sort of superhero dog movie. We were so happy to see each other, and I swear to you, they aged a year while I was gone. Thicker and longer and deeper and wiser. It’s insane. Later, after the boys were in bed, Ryan said, I still don’t know how you guys did that. He was referring to a story I told him the night before. I said that what we had done makes perfect sense to me–that Katherine and Ellie and I would have such a day with such an ending on our final day together in Nashville. I mean, we attended a conference with approximately 600-something other women, and as much fun as that is, it’s also exhausting. It does things to […]
Yesterday we decided to be done with Asher’s pacifier. say it ain’t so! (Actually, Ryan decided and I begrudgingly tried hard to see why this made sense on this particular day because yeah, I’m quite easy-going about such things, I’ll admit it–I don’t get all uptight about what the books or other people say about pacifiers.) (And yes, Asher is 3 and a half and still slept with a plastic thing in his mouth.) (Don’t judge.) So last night was the big night, if only on a whim, and so we prepared ourselves for a fight. We prepared ourselves to get up a lot. We tried to prepare Asher by talking about it throughout the evening, before bedtime. He argued a whiny attempt at changing our minds incessantly for the last ten minutes before bed, his enormous blue eyes looking up at us, begging. So we tried bargaining and praising and convincing, etc…infinity… […]
This post was originally written on January 19th, almost a year ago, and on the day before I quit drinking. The experience described in this post was a catalyst for change in my life. Because it’s true, what are we here for, if not to feel fully alive? To take risks and let go…to strive and overcome…to find ourselves wrapped up in the journey while we tell our truths and help each other. The moments with my boys in this post were just the taste I needed of all of that, and I’m so grateful. ::::: We laughed until our cheeks hurt. We burned down that hill like gravity itself with our coats and mittens crackling under the cold and we just couldn’t stop laughing. We bounced and spun and grabbed tightly to each other. We even face planted once, spilling off the sled in a pile, me on top of Miles on […]
Miles and Asher played a significant role in the Christmas program at church… They were a bored and tired shepherd and his lost and lazy sheep…(Yes, shepherds wear black tennis shoes and sheep wear jeans…and glasses.) They totally engaged the audience… and sat poised and ready to sing along with their stablemates…yeah…that sheep was having some issues… and then at the end it was time to stand up and be clapped for, because of all of that effort…would you just look at their hands? just one more time… when you feel shy and nervous and way too over-tired to play your part,reach for your brudder’s hand. The End. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
We talk of old things and new things and I’m caught in between with a thousand thoughts and feelings tight in my throat. I feel it all, every memory with their aches and their releasing and then I see the depth and grace of what is happening now. Our bowls are piled high with noodles and vegetables that make a rainbow and it’s all covered over with a sauce that fills every space and covers every color, and we are thick with words and time and now. Two babies are coming and we have babies at home that are kids. We have years with husbands and more years of knowing each other and we watch the history of it all flashing across the table in exchange when we’re together. It seems that’s what happens for me anyway, when I sit with people I’ve always known. It triggers the long long ago past and […]
I was on the other side of the glass, toasty warm. I needed to watch their joy…without putting boots on. They came in quickly and had hot cocoa. {Don’t call it hot chocolate, Asher will tell you it’s cocoa.} Last night we had our first fireplace fire of the year. We all lounged around on the floor and the couch and we told Christmas stories in the dark. Then we remembered Thanksgiving so Ryan and I told the boys about The New World and a fine feast and we figured there was a lot of corn. Asher thought Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria were hilarious names for boats. Things can change really quickly and I have friends with that kind of hard change in their lives so heavy right now. It makes me turn to look around and find thankfulness in white snow and good questions and hysterical giggles. I have no other […]
I am pushing a cart, rushing from aisle to aisle getting milk and nutella and even juice boxes for a fun surprise when I get home. I see him rounding the corner in the frozen food section and my heart lifts. I join him, pulling off to the side with a hearty, Hi you! Hey stranger, how ya been? I’m doing well, how are you? Good. Good. I might get my license back this month. Alright, that’s great! It would be a long winter without one. Well, I do make it to the casino sometimes because there’s a bus. I figure it’s the least I can do. I mean, we stole their land and their buffalo, so now I give them my money. He smiles wider and his eyes do that bright and twinkly thing. A thing they didn’t do when I first met him, the first night he joined my chemical dependency […]
My Miles, “helping” Daddy build a shed. When my boys came home yesterday, Miles was the first one to bust through the door with a bang. He was talking fast about a park, a place he had played with his cousins on their trip. It seemed very urgent, what he had to say, while he held his hand behind his back. His sun-kissed cheeks were just a shade darker than three days before and I felt like I’d missed so much. It was so good for all of us, this short time apart, but then there he was, somehow suddenly older, maybe even taller, and just so perfect. When he pulled that hand out from behind his back he was saying he found something at that park and then he saved it for me. Here you go, Mama. It’s a small yellow hair binder, one that must have belonged to a busy little […]
I feel like I just got home from summer camp. I want to pontificate on my many layered feelings about the BlogHer “camp” experience, but I don’t know that any of us can truly articulate what it was like. And some of us are going to avoid sharing our true feelings in their entirety because let’s face it, everything in life, even beautiful things, have their share of yuck. I returned home last night exhausted, with nothing left but a need to decompress.Ryan wanted to hear about the weekend and I started to tell him stories and then I just stopped and said I was too tired of thinking about it all, even if most of it was absolutely good. There’s just too much to say.For now, let me just tell you the story of Wednesday, the day I flew in to New York City, hopped in a cab and 50 bucks later, […]
*this just in: I wrote something new for Mama Manifesto and it’s up over there today. It hopefully paints a picture and sends a message and resonates. If not, it’s just about my own bouncy brain and crap television. See you there. I mean, if you go over there. Nicely. And also: Miles and Asher had a combined birthday party recently. Both sides of the family were there, so people who don’t know each other that well from either side were all there. (And yes, it was quite redundant of me to explain that.) Above, you will see Cousin O, to the right, with the squirt gun. And at the far left is Cousin M. Cousin O and Cousin M have rarely been around each other. Which brings me to this conversation between Cousin M (left) and an adult family member. Cousin M – Is O a boy or a girl? (see long-haired […]
The red wine is for the skillet, for cooking, for mushrooms, for steak. It is not for me. It is not for me. I am standing and pretending I’m unaffected, handing out bread next to the skillet and its chef, downwind of the smell of the wine. To the people who curve in a line like ants, coming for food, I repeat, bread? bread? bread? would you like some bread? bread? bread? And I’m thinking, wine wine wine, even while I try to focus on other things, like the serving gloves I’m wearing, my hands sticky and hot, and the faces smiling and thanking me. For the bread. wine wine wine… Of course there is irony here. The bread and the wine, this doesn’t escape me. This thought reminds me to beg for serenity. This thought, of bread and wine together, not alone. So I say the prayer and kick at the dirt […]
A good friend called recently and told me that she woke up one morning with characters having a conversation in her head. (No, she’s not hallucinating…she’s imagining. Which is totally different. Kind of.) She said that a story just up and started to unfold, right there, without her trying to conjure it up, and that these characters continue their own story every day all on their own. She simply writes down what they’re doing and saying after she listens in on them. Back when we had this conversation, my friend had written over 250 pages. In 3 weeks. Dude. She had no dream or intention of writing a book. It just kinda happened to her, and now she’s got the bug and she just can’t stop thinking about her book and she can’t stop writing. Uh yeah, I’m totally jealous. I’m not gonna lie. I do want to write a book. I’ve wanted […]
The roads are the kind that dip and swirl, pulling your stomach with them. My iPod was on shuffle and the songs matched this experience and I knew that was grace. I was keenly aware of grace. I listened to an entire audiobook about grace on my seven hour drive, and I thought, it’s everywhere I look. I can see it. This is what I mean by extraordinary. It was in the stacked green trees on the hills and on the cows in the fields, and my heart started revving up when I looked at the GPS and saw I was only a mile away. I knew I was about to see one of my life’s most treasured grace faces, smiling at me in a deeply rooted recognition of soul. I’m not making it up when I say that the sun peeked through the clouds right in that moment, and then disappeared for […]
This is Heather. She’s not naked. Her dress is strapless. But you knew that. Yes. Yet another Heather born in the 70’s. Heather is one of my dearest friends, and she was married last weekend. It was a beautiful day full of bluegrass music and sun and friends and family. I love my Heather, and have since elementary school. We’re Heather squared, or The Heathers. The day before the wedding, I happened upon a new shoppe in the small town in which we live. I opened the door with low expectations. After all, this is rural Minnesota so let’s just say the shopping is…limited. And then a miracle occurred. Well, okay. Maybe it wasn’t a miracle. I mean, I don’t even really LIKE shopping much at all. But do you wanna know what I do like? Knowing that all I have to do is go to ONE store and I will love everything […]
At a time when my life isless about mebut more about meblogging can be confusing. The egobad selfish The healinggood selfish The bloggingbothif I’m not careful. For now I think I’m doing alright.I’m not sitting here thinking that people who read my blog are dying to know what I’m doinghow I amtheir world revolving around my every word. I’m not. I just love to writeand my journey into recovery is theinevitable story I have to tellnow. But not the only story. Sometimes my stories are just aboutfur and feet… I’ve been looking closely at these little feet, They are Asher’s feetand they are long with many linesjust like mine. And then down here,that’s Tia in the sun.She drives me crazybut I still love herand she photographs well, And as I look over that picture I rememberhow Tia is largely the reason I quit drinking that nightbut that’s yet another story about addiction and […]
Wednesday~December 23, 2009 It sounds absurd, believing in this spirit pregnancy and the coming of a Baby God to a small barn with the stench of cows. It can seem ridiculous to think that both the working poor and Very Important People alike came sandal-footed to see if it were true by starlight. It sounds absurd. I don’t believe the absurd because religion tells me to (I brush my teeth religiously and still cavities work their way through my mouth every now and again). I don’t even believe it only because the Bible tells me so (I have found a recent adoration for the Bible, but that was slow in coming, later than my belief in a stable born God coming to rewrite a story that would have had a very sad ending). I believe it because I see the aftermath of this beautiful story. These eyes to see the never-ending string of […]
Thursday~October 8, 2009 Since winter is looming, we decided to get a family membership at a local community center. I’ll admit that my favorite part about the place is that it has child care. This means I can go get some exercise all on my own, a break of sorts. To be honest, I usually don’t even work out, but this whole child care thing makes it terribly appealing. Now if only I could figure out the machines. Let me be honest again. I get really nervous walking into the big workout center. There are tricky machines everywhere, TVs surrounding the big room with all different shows on them, and usually a whole lot of people, walking or running or riding their immobile bikes. It’s overwhelming. The other day, I walked in and quickly scanned the scene. All of the treadmills that I know how to work were in use, but of course […]
Saturday~June 20, 2009 We go to the little park in our neighborhood nearly every day. Normally there’s hardly anyone there because we live smack dab between two large cities, but a college and a golf course seclude us. So yesterday when the park was bombarded with a group of water gun wielding boys with sweaty faces all red from the heat, we were a bit surprised. Bang! Bang! Bang! I gotcha! I’m gonna kill ya! POW! We sat and watched for a few minutes as the boys carried on with their pretend war. After a few minutes I got to witness one of the distinct differences between my two boys. They each handled their park being overtaken by a band of violent water gun carrying hoodlums very differently. Miles lurked. I mean, if he were reading blogs, he’d go undetected. He’d undermine any site meter. Anyway, he ducked under slides and positioned himself […]
Saturday~May 9, 2009 Here I am at a coffee shop by myself on a Saturday. Blogging must be done. The last couple of days were interesting, friends. Interesting as in totally weird and really quite humorous. Three different strange-ish things have happened. Let’s pretend like you’re dying to know what they are, bullet-style: I had a catscan recently because of some concerns about my belly. I assumed that my belly is weird because a 10 pound, 10 ounce Asher changed things up in there, and it turns out I was correct. Due to my second pregnancy and the incredible stretching it called for, I now have diastasis. Here, let wikipedia explain: “Diastasis (also known as abdominal separation) is a disorder defined as a separation of the rectus abdominis muscle into right and left halves. [1] Normally, the two sides of the muscle are joined at the linea alba at the body midline.” So […]
Wednesday~May 6, 2009 On Saturday morning Ryan and I buckled the boys in the van and we went to a neighborhood garage sale. We even got to follow a little map, it was a like a real treasure hunt. But anyway, that’s not the moral of this story. It’s not even really a moral at all, but it’s not the point either. The point is, I took the opportunity of a confined space to discuss the day’s plans with my husband. You see, Saturdays can be tricky for us. If we don’t have daytime plans like a birthday party or a tennis match or a gala… (Yes, those last two were jokes, we hardly ever exercise play tennis anymore, and when we do, it’s not scheduled. And we hardly ever go to galas anymore either.) What I’m trying to say, is that if Ryan and I don’t discuss what we have in mind […]
Monday~April 27th, 2009 “Stop staring at me! You just keep staring and staring without saying anysing! STOP IT!” Those were the words from my three year old, being fired at me like bullets, a glare in his eyes. I stood there and thought about how right he was. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do, so I was just staring him down, waiting for his tantrum to stop, hoping my eyes would make it stop. My words sure weren’t working, they were only making it worse. I said “You’re right. I don’t know why I’m staring. I don’t know what else to do.” Then I walked away, wondering if God was getting a good laugh right about then. After all, I once thought I had all the answers. I once thought my child would never do that. That is pretty funny. Lately more and more people have been […]
Tuesday~April 7, 2009 My friend Kate and I took the boys to IKEA yesterday to avoid the cold and escape the craziness of cabin fever. We unloaded the small people and made our way through the sliding doors, and there she was, the scary employee with the most ill-fitting position of greeter. The one that chewed me out the last time we were there. You see, I had done an awful thing. I had gotten lost at IKEA, turned around and confused about which of the five elevators to take. So I guessed, and with my merchandise in hand I was ejected from an elevator on the opposite side that I had gotten in, and found myself back at the beginning. So I hopped out to grab a stray cart, because that was my mission anyway. It was then that I came face-to-face with the Welcome Lady, and she started yelling, “YOU CAN’T […]
Posted on Sunday~March 1, 2009 I don’t think I’ve ever given parenting advice here on the EO. I’m sure you can tell I’m a total expert in all things baby and toddler, but just in case you didn’t know, I thought I would share some tips. Today’s tip will help you more than words can say the next time you attempt eating out with small children. Our children are always quiet and well-behaved at restaurants. They hardly make a peep. They are only three and one, and yet they don’t make a scene at all. People compliment their behavior all the time. Ryan and I just sit and talk and talk, we can hardly ever even tell we have children with us. They simply sit still and quietly mind their own business. There are some things a parent needs to know to achieve such great success in restaurant etiquette. I’m sure you’ve all […]
Posted on Tuesday~ February 24, 2009 We were having one of “those” rides home from preschool. The kind where I know very quickly that school has plum worn out my poor, weepy child. I was trying to refrain from blasting the music loud enough to cover the tantrum that was my child, all buckled in snug behind me, screaming with tears running down his cheeks. This doesn’t happen very often, but he was was mad, mad, mad. Because Asher had a sun visor on his window and he did not. I guess he had a good point. I mean, why the sun-in-the-eyes favoritism, I don’t know? Besides the fact that every time you turn, the sun switches sides, blinding whichever child is closest. The sun has no favorites. So I was trying to explain that when we turn onto our street the sun wouldn’t be in his eyes anymore, but Miles was NOT […]
Posted on Tuesday~ February 3, 2009 I was all proud of myself this morning. Because I took a shower. Miles was at school and I gave Asher a snack and turned on Clifford, thinking “I can do this, I’ll just take a super fast only sort of get clean kind of shower” (the kind that leaves my hair less greasy but doesn’t really mean the bottoms of my feet were scrubbed. That kind.). I got out of the shower and rushed to get clothes, thinking about how quietly Asher was watching the Big Red Dog. I’m an idiot, so I was pleased by his silence. I was in the shower for approximately three minutes and dressing for about thirty seconds. I kid you not. And just yesterday my friend and I were talking about how much we love Curious George, even if he does get into all that trouble. We blamed the Man […]
Posted on Wednesday~January 14th, 2009 If you’ve been around here long, you know I do things to embarrass myself quite frequently. Like that time I bonked heads with a man right after our cars collided in a parking lot. Yeah. Like that. But sometimes life just makes a fool of you, taking the lead in making itself interesting, just in case you don’t do it enough yourself. (TM, you’re going to love this.) I was talking to my brother-in-law (notice how I didn’t type BIL? I don’t know why I resist the acronyms. I just do.) Anyway, Uncle K had stopped by mid day to pick something up. It was nap time, so we were allowed the luxury of finishing sentences. We talked at length about family dynamics, where we are in life, and pretty much solved the world’s problems. As we were waxing philosophical, me sitting sprawled across the coach with my […]
