Elsie Jane is more magical than I could ever have imagined and it just keeps getting better. There aren’t enough words and there isn’t enough cyberspace to fit them in if I were to try to explain how much I love her. She has an ear infection that makes her mad. Oh, life. There are small things like ear infections and then really Big Things that are breaking my heart. It’s always something, huh? That’s why it’s so good that there are tiny soft socks and wrist wrinkles and wave-y little eyebrows that remind me of fuzzy caterpillars. These are the things we have to focus on. All the small things that make up grace. {I also wanted to tell you that I started as a columnist for She Posts this last week and I wrote about Steph from Adventures in Babywearing. I’m going to be writing there about people every week […]
I went with my mom and Elsie on a day with the girls and we met Auntie Kay and shopped and ate. I wore Elsie in the Ergo, her happiest place, and she napped in there two times, even while we were eating. When we were shopping (for her, of course) (and I don’t even like shopping but for her I do) she snoozed up close and I would tighten the straps to get her even closer and then I’d sniff her head while fanning through the hangers on those round things. It’s a two hour drive so that’s four hours in one day and she only totally lost her mind for one hour of it. Which feels like five. That poor screaming baby in the car seat. Ugh. People remark on her saucer eyes a lot and it makes me stare at them even more. There’s this new Twin Cities online show […]
Today is the first day in a long time that I’m functioning on more than three hours of sleep. (I use the word “functioning” loosely.) My Elsie woke only once in the night and that was around midnight. The next time I woke up the clock read 5 something. I stared at it for a while, confused. How can that be? I tried to go back to sleep, but of course, there I was wondering if she was okay. She just recently moved across the hall and so she’s a million miles away in my mother heart. At 6:15 I just couldn’t take it anymore and I went in to peek at her. She made a little snoring sound and of course I couldn’t leave it at that. I had to touch her, I couldn’t help myself. She woke up. I was okay with that. There have been so many times lately that I have […]
We went to the farm yesterday. It was the most perfectly beautiful day and we got cotton candy and I ate most of it. Everything felt good about yesterday, but especially how it was so freeing to be able to take Elsie somewhere for the day now that she’s doing better. These are the kinds of things I missed a lot in the last four months. You know, going places without loads and loads of crying. I’m so so grateful. We saw baby chicks and roosters and cows and a pumpkin being catapulted through the air via a trebuchet. Before Elsie was born we would tell people what we thought her name might be and they’d say “Oh! Like Elsie the cow!” and I would say “OR! Like Elsie my Great Aunt!” (In case you don’t know, Elsie is the name of a cartoon cow, the spokescow for the Borden Dairy Company.) […]
I’m watching her discover her hand. She’s doing what babies do, she’s trying so hard to keep it in focus. I don’t know what that is or who it belongs to but I want it. Her little fist is clenched so tight and her eyes have the intensity behind them that shouts something like awe mingled with frustration. Her whole body shakes with need. She seems to be willing that hand of hers to do something it just will not do. Maybe she wants it to open. Let go. That thumb of hers has been driving her crazy for weeks the way it hides itself between pointer and index, like she’s playing the old trick, I’ve got your nose! She has never taken a pacifier and she wants her thumb but she just can’t seem to free it. I’m looking at her and I’m thinking me too because as much as I want […]
He’s hilarious, this boy. He gets so so so excited about things like popcorn. He jumps up and down and flaps his arms because Friday night is movie night with popcorn. He also loves Fridays because my sister comes to be with him. They run errands and he calls her Auntie Slushy. That’s because she always gets him an icee slushy from the gas station. And then he says ridiculous things like, Daddy! ‘Go’ means poop AND ‘Go’ means drive! Um. Yeah. I worry about him because of his hydrocephalus. I mean, I worry about shunt malfunctions and when he doesn’t feel right, I hover a bit and I ask a lot of questions. But you know what? Other than that, he’s this boy that I don’t really have to worry about. He’s just so happy. He rolls with the punches. He overcomes. He loves life. He listens and he jumps up to […]
We went to an art festival yesterday and the boys created. I love it when they do that. paper water ink flower by Miles (from a coffee filter) drying in the wind If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you probably already know, but my boys have been saying THE FUNNIEST things lately. Like yesterday when Miles went to greet Elsie after she woke up and he noticed she was sleeping in a sleep sack (in her crib) and he said, She’s like a little slug…a slug stuck in jail. And then the other day, Asher was in the bathroom and I heard him say, in a robot-like voice, You. have. 55. pees. So I said, What honey? and he answered, Oh nothing, that was just the toilet talking. Last night I was reading them books and the book said that a mother’s eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky. So […]
I hope she always loves the mirror this much. I mean, not in a superficial way, but in a I-am-Elsie-Jane-and-I-am-so-lovable kind of way. Do you see the love in her Daddy’s face? I think that will help. {Today our Elsie Jane is three months old}
Like good ol’ Hootie and the Blowfish like to say/sing, Tiiiiime, why you punish me? Tomorrow Elsie will be three months old, Asher will have his early childhood screening for kindergarten and Miles starts school on Thursday. When I started this blog, Miles and Asher were a toddler and a baby (WHAT?) and Elsie was what they call a glimmer. Miles and I were alone today, visiting with his teacher and then out for lunch. He asked me how he can go to school if he doesn’t spell yet. I explained that he’ll learn and it’s okay not to know things ahead of time. That toddler boy is still in there, wide-eyed and wondering how everything works. He will always be there. Yesterday Ryan took the boys to the State Fair while Elsie and I stayed home. The boys were so tired when they got home, I’m pretty sure they fell asleep with […]
I turned to look at her at dawn.The light was just right. Out loud I said, I can’t believe you’re here. She slept on. No matter what, having Elsie feels like the icing on the cake, like my birthday every day. While Miles gets ready to start school, we start the baby stage again and I think about years of sippy cups and diapers and up-at-night and I’m suddenly grateful. So grateful. I see them, our three kids, up in the unknown future and the now starts to go even faster so I try to stop doing that. I am here in the morning light, for today, looking at her. And then I’m up and I’m wiping the crumbs from the table (again) while the pictures of now are uploading to the computer to be kept for future reference. So I’ll know for sure this really happened. I scrub at the table like […]
You’ve gotta teach ’em to self soothe, you know. You can’t tip-toe around or they’ll never sleep with noise. Babies know how to get you to pick them up–just let her cry. ::: I know which floorboards squawk under pressure. I avoid them. I am up on the balls of my feet, lightly stepping a dance out the door, gently turning the knob to make a silent shut. I so badly want these quiet moments to last, more for her than for me. Minutes later, it’s as if some unknown force with a foot has forgotten the dance and stepped on her. She squawks first, then she screams. A loud train has gone by and shook her from her light and always tummy-disturbed sleep. I rush back in, no longer careful just quick. Her face is beet red and crinkled with pain, her body making little sounds of too much air. I pick […]
I hear a boom and then a rolling sound. It’s an apple, falling through the air after letting go of its branch and then hitting our boat and then rolling along the angled bottom. I turn to look and another apple falls, closer to me, hitting the ground with a deep thud. We have two apple trees and so many apples. They’re beautiful, and they’re going to teach me how to make crisps and pies. I think. Sometimes we’ll just peel them and cut them up and put them in a pan and caramelize them a little and then put them with ice cream. A little dash of cinnamon on top. A creation to indulge in. You know that saying, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? I think about that when I look at Elsie. Some people say she’s starting to look more and more like me, but that’s […]
I wrote this (lengthy) post to be a helpy helperton to those of you who have (or know someone who has) a colic-y baby in your life. And maybe I wrote it for me, like an article to myself…one that reminds me that I’ve tried, that I am trying, really hard. This is not the only way I’m a good mom and I forget that all too often. (What’s that? You forget too? Well then, stop that. You’re good. You really are. Believe it.) ::: I don’t even know if “colic” is the word, you know? Babies are magical puzzles for the figuring out and sometimes what’s happening just IS. I guess colic is just a word we use when there are one thousand question marks and a whole lot of crying. Just as I say “constipated” when Elsie isn’t able to get the poops out because there’s so much air holding […]
Her eyelashes are getting so long that they go out and curve up and then bend straight out to reach a bit further. It’s like they just got tired and had to lie down. I love that. I love her. She is a spitfire while still being sweet. (LOOK.OUT.) We’re still working on helping her, with all of the pain and crying. This means, because I’m nursing, I eat NOT a variety of things, but more like no dairy-no wheat-no soy…I’m The Accidental Gluten-free Vegan. And I’m hungry. (Don’t worry, Grandma. I’m still eating…it’s just trickier.) Elsie is so worth it and I’m learning that it’s helping her to refrain from a lot of foods I love and so I do. I keep meaning to write a post about The Colic and all that we’ve learned after Asher and now Elsie. I feel like kind of an expert. Like maybe I’m a Doctor […]
wicker bending to hold intertwined and tight with empty oval spaces for hands grasping and lifting I’m a wicker basket, I said to myself. I was sitting on the bed, staring down at a storage chest made from wicker. I doubt I can remember the analogy all that well right now, but I’m going to try. It’s 5:30 in the morning in San Diego. Elsie is sleeping soundly for the first time all night…or morning. My lovely friend, co-host to the Serenity Suite and constant helper with all things baby, Ellie, is up with me. We laughed at ourselves because this sweet baby is finally at rest and now we cannot. Our time zones betray us. This trip and conference and hosting of the suite is all so much. It is so much good while it is so exhausting, especially while my head is buzzing with a high-speed need to think only of Elsie while I […]
I am the kind of girl who buys a ginormous five dollar mirror at a thrift store because there must be a good place for it but I don’t know where. I am the kind of girl that has the ginormous mirror in the basement for over a year. I am the kind of girl who walks by said ginormous mirror every day on the way to the laundry and feels sort of guilty. I am the kind of girl who decides very randomly on a nothing-else-going-on kind of day that the mirror must go on the wall right over there right this very minute, after all this time. (Thank you Ryan and Dad.) I am the kind of girl who notices that the orange curtains can be seen at the same time as the orange pillows now because of the mirror. I am the kind of girl who has to […]
What I love about 7 Quick Takes with Conversion Diary is that you get to cover 7 whole random things. I love random. So does my brain… 1. For two nights in a row now, Elsie has cried less and slept more. She fusses on and off throughout the day, but she’s more….fixable. (What mother doesn’t love fixable?) I’m beyond grateful and of course I’m holding my breath and knocking on wood and avoiding walking under ladders. I am also praying big thank yous instead of just please please please and that feels like coming up for air. 2. I was thinking, just in case there are moms out there reading this who are in the trenches with colic as well, that I should share what I’ve tried. I’ve been given so many recommendations and tried many of them. I also re-used some once forgotten knowledge from Asher’s colic days. Some of it […]
I shook with sobs, perched with my back to pillows on the bed, holding a swaddled and screaming Elsie. It was 1 a.m. and I’d been pacing and bouncing for six hours. Somewhere in there, I put the boys to bed by calling out brush your teeth and go potty over the cries. I shouted prayers and they giggled at the absurdity of our…routine. !!!God bless Miles and Asher and Elsie!!! Ryan texted from Salem, his plane had landed. My heart dropped; that’s far and long and this is just the start. I want him home. He wants to be home. But alas, the bills must be paid. The sobbing came with her eyes wide open after so much trying and over my inability to make it stop, to take away her pain, to know what to do. I am not complaining, in all of these posts. I am simply telling this story. […]
Elsie is sleeping and so I changed the laundry and I started dinner and I swept the floor. I hurried. I should be paying bills now, or calling in a prescription or sweeping the floor, again. There is so much dog hair when it’s this hot. But I needed to come here, to just sit with my fingers tapping with words that are going in no particular direction or maybe in many directions. We (the parents)are in the trenches, friends. We just are. We’re fighting a battle and I’m doing that thing where I over-think it hoping that I can miraculously come up with an answer that would fix the pain for Elsie. But I can’t. The reality is that she’s a newborn and she won’t always be one and her little gut will mature. (Yes, I do realize I keep saying that over and over, almost every time I post something. Maybe […]
It’s funny how I remembered but I didn’t really remember… this stage. But then again I guess it’s not that funny. Funny as in weird. I mean, I remember college, but I don’t really remember. I’m listening to music from college and it brings back some of it and all the while Elsie sleeps next to me so far from college and I wish I would be able to remember all of this one day. this day-is-night-and-night-is-day and hard and soft and beautifully difficult stage. we’re both finding our way and we’re doing it together. she will grow more and lose her wrinkles while I grow more and keep mine. The ones that weren’t there in college with these songs but are here now, telling their stories with new songs. and one day I’ll forget, so I lay wide open my heart and leave pieces of it here to look back […]
My Dad asked about postpartum depression yesterday. He asked when it usually sets in. I couldn’t clear my head to answer the question because I don’t sleep enough to have normal conversations. I don’t know exactly what I said, but what I meant was something like, “as soon as the baby comes out…or anytime after that. Or even while you’re still pregnant.” I don’t know if it’s happening to me. Again. Maybe it is. It’s hard to tell without sleeping much at all. What I do know is that this is hard and that I cry a lot. As much as I don’t want to cry, as much as I just want to constantly feel joy, that’s not my reality. Sometimes I cry because I sing to Elsie when she’s crying and I just can’t hold it back. I’m a horrible singer and I really really mean the words… There you go with […]
Elsie looks nearly identical to Miles as a baby. It makes me think about how we come here– how we arrive as everything we are but nothing like what we will be, all at the same time. I’m not sure how much sense that made. I’m exceptionally tired. Sometimes I forget that I won’t always feel this way. I mean, newborns come as they are but they don’t stay this way. Not long at all. I just love this picture. This is a proud big brother picture. Elsie lost her umbilical cord stubby thing already. It actually got snagged on some clothes. Ouch. But it’s okay, we’re watching it closely. When Asher noticed it was gone he said (excitedly), “LOOK! Her power cord is gone!” These people in my house, they’re something else. Everyone is handling this transition so well, I’m just so grateful. Everything is about Elsie while some things are still […]
I get them the snack they’ve been asking me to get for over an hour, finally. They rattle off questions, interupting each other and me and they bounce. She starts to grunt, the way she does before she cries. I hurry. I pull clean dishes out of the dishwasher while I one-handed get a glass of milk for Asher. I ask Ryan to go down to change the laundry so we have the favorite blanket clean. I don’t know why, but I always end up using the same one or two things, the ones that have no explanation for why I think they work best. I sit down to nurse her and one or the other calls out for something. I say no not right now and they whine or fuss for waiting. I take a deep breath. She has her days and nights mixed up. She hiccups a lot. I think she […]
My friend Casey has done some extraordinary things for us. She sends messages that make me laugh, talks baby with me over email and coordinates great big surprises in which she asks our friends we’ve come to know through blogging to shower me with all the baby things we didn’t have. I am so grateful. Thank you, Huckleberry and friends. This morning I sent these words to Casey: “It’s funny, the difference a new morning with some sleep on top can make. Elsie slept in 2.5-3 hour increments last night. That’s like…FOREVER. She is a happy baby, actually. We’re doing really really well–knockonwood. I mean, breastfeeding, healing, etc…it’s all going really well. Of course, sleep deprivation adds to the emotion of it all, but even that is okay…just okay. I’ve been working on a post about the emotional side of the newborn life. How I grieve the old life even though I’m NOT at […]
beautiful knit hat courtesy of my lovely friend, Corinne {Etsy: A Soft Landing} We get to go home today, friends. So much has happened in the last few days– there are just so many things to say and remember, so much on my mind and heart. But of course, there’s been very little time to type it out or even say it. If all the words and stories could be all wrapped up tight, swaddled like my tiny newborn and tucked in, they would only say one thing. Elsie. Elsie. Maybe there will be time and space for writing some of the stories out in the weeks to come, maybe not. I don’t know yet… Elsie. ::: Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your congratulations and thoughts and prayers and love from all around the worldwide interweb. You are loved right back. Elsie, Elsie, Elsie, Elsie, What do you think, little lady? Let’s […]
I want to tell you so many things. It has been a scary and exciting and lovely couple of days. I’m too tired to type out all the details, so for now, let’s just welcome… *really fast and suspenseful drumroll please* Elsie Jane!!! (That’s EJ of the EO, I just realized…ha.) Yes. Elsie Jane is here and she’s just…pure…goodness. But… does she look a little suspicious to you? That’s because she’s had a rough night and day, trying to figure out how to breathe. She’s doing so much better now though–breathing more peacefully on her own and slowly getting well enough to leave the special care nursery so we can be together all the time. I can’t wait. She may even be able to come to stay in my room with me tonight or tomorrow morning! Elsie also got to meet her brothers today. They touched her fingers and toes and […]
Baby Girl, Your head is down low now and you’re curled along my right side, your little booty making a bump in my extended belly. Your legs are bent and your feet are always in my ribs. Sometimes you kick, sometimes you just let those tootsies rest and I forget there are feet in my ribs. I remember coming home with Miles and Asher after they were born and feeling so suddenly empty on the inside after being so full for so long. Now it will be your turn to exit and I’ll adjust again and then you’ll be another person in this home who fills my life, not just my ribs or my side. I still can’t believe you’re a girl. I want to know what you’re like. I want to feel what my friends describe, this healing that having a girl brings. I want to teach you things, the very few […]
If the weather is perfect for sitting outside at night around a fire making s’mores, then it’s pretty perfect, huh? I will call this photo “MMMMgooooo” This one? “Happy” This one? “Who Cares About S’mores Just Look at Those Lashes” Lastly, I am calling this photo “Peek-aaaah-BOOM” photo credit: husband By the way, this baby girl is very very busy at certain times of the day. She takes a spin class, I swear. I had a dream last night that she was about one and she was all.over.the.place. We’ll see… Last night when we were eating s’mores, I turned to Ryan and said a first and middle name for our girl. It felt like The One. He thought so too. We’ve known for a long time that we like a few names, but we were having trouble feeling sure. We still won’t feel entirely sure until we see her, but […]
The torpedo belly has taken to jutting out so far that it’s entirely possible I may yell at a staring-directly-at-my-protruding-belly-button-for-far-too-long stranger in public. I’ll just string all my usual responses together rapid-fire-torpedo style, like this: No-I’m-not-having-twins-and-no-I’m-not-due-any-day-this-is-just-how-I-carry-babies-speaking-of-babies-I-make-really-big-ones-and-yes-a-belly-button-CAN-stick-out-that-far!!!! Then the gawking strangers will look all apologetic and scamper away. At least that’s how it goes down in my head. 34 weeks Five-ish weeks to go, my friends. And I’m getting SUPER excited. It hasn’t always been that way for me, with pregnancy. I can get kind of distant from it, like it’s something foreign that’s happening to me that may or may not result in a person being added to our family. That sounds weird, but it’s just the truth. Sometimes things just aren’t really really real to me until they are actually happening. But this time, I’m just more connected and aware and anticipating. These five weeks are going to go fast-slow. When I […]
The always dirty little feet. Eating outside…or not eating, if you’re Asher. Which is the way it goes most of the time. Miles eats ravenously while Asher remains terribly distracted. Don’t worry, he’s still growing. The climbing of the apple trees. (Apples coming soon.) And um…yeah…happy small people. Last night we were eating outside and I looked around and said to my three people, Pretty soon there will be another one of us out here. Then she started hiccuping, shaking both of our bellies, as if to say I’m already here! Spring is good.
