“You’re not going to remember any of it anyway,” was what she said. I felt like she had just socked me in the stomach. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but forgetting makes perfect sense. I do it all the time. But this? I’m not going to remember this?I guess she would know, she’s been through it. The sleepless nights, the loads of diapers and laundry, the tantrums, the baths, the food flung across the floor. Those are the things she was referring to, saying I’d forget all of that. She was meaning to encourage me. And yes, I don’t really mind that I’ll forget all of that. I will enjoy my hindsight rose colored glasses when they arrive years from now. But I would gladly remember all of the stress and strain, fatigue and frustration vividly if it meant I would remember all the rest just the same. Because it makes […]
9/11 still makes me weepy and a bit off. And it’s a dreary day. Rain makes me weepy and a bit off too. I don’t mind though. Some days are good for being weepy and getting the emotions out. I often sing that little crying song to Miles and Asher, “It’s alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you. It’s alright to cry. It might make you feel better.” Sometimes I sing it to myself too. But in my head rather than out loud. It feels sort of crazy to cry, rock back and forth, and sing. So yeah, I’m a bit off today. I’ve never been good at wrapping my mind around time. When someone said this morning that it has been seven years since the terrorist attack on NYC, I just felt a bit stumped. SEVEN? How is that possible. I’m sure the families of the people who died […]
There’s a mother in me. She’s one part of me. Sometimes I think she’s the only one in there. The wife up and left, taking the dog with her. The daughter and sister are too busy to lend support to their family. The friend is distracted, forgetting birthdays and how to return a phone call. The writer and dreamer, they’re taking naps. Other days I hit a groove and roll all of me into one. But I find it’s nearly impossible. I’m not very adept at being more than one thing at once. I get very focused, unable to flow from one thing to the next. If I’m writing, I can’t handle any kind of distractions, even though they’re ever-present, so I become terribly impatient. If I’m trying to clean or do laundry, I get upset with my husband for not reading my mind and taking over childcare. If I’m cooking dinner and […]
A friend (who is similar to me in a million ways) was asked something in regard to parenting and her answer was along the lines of, “yeah, it’s good. I mean…I’m adjusting.” Her oldest is almost five. We had a good laugh over that one, but I feel the same way. I love my family. I wouldn’t change a thing. (Well, okay I’d sleep more if I could change one thing. Oh! And less poop, I’d appreciate less poop.) I admit that at times, I resist the complete sacrifice that is required of a mother, at the same time as I fully love being a mother. Such a strange paradox. A tension. A dichotomy. It’s tiring. It is one of the many things about parenting that there was no way to prepare for. Because of this tension, I wear myself out between acting out of a complete and consuming love for my boys, […]
I rarely watch television. Even the nightly news. I have no idea what’s going on in the media world most of the time. Even so, every once and awhile I notice a fellow blogger mentioning “So You Think You Can Dance?” The particular blogs I read only mention this show and “The Office.” (The world seems to stop for “The Office.”)Tonight I turned on the TV for the first time in a long time. (I have to say it felt like meeting up with a really cool old friend for coffee–pushing that button on the remote and starting to surf). I came across “So You Think You Can Dance,” and I watched as two people ripped up the stage. Then I felt it. The uncontrollable desire to get up and smack my feet against the floor. No shame. Just the need to throw myself around the room a bit. No matter how uncoordinated […]
The last couple of days have left me with the fear that I might actually completely lose my mind.I’ve been floating somewhere over myself, near the ceiling, watching as I act all frazzled and manic over….nothing. Or something. I’m not sure. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I might have hit a wall. I stopped and stared at the wall and it had things written on it. (no, I didn’t actually see a wall with writing on it, this is metaphorical, okay? I did see a bat that wasn’t there, but that’s totally different.) Okay, so the wall I did not actually see said things like, “Yeah, lady. You hit this wall for obvious reasons.” And I’m all, “huh?” So I read on and the wall says, “you haven’t really slept much in over a year. Before that your sleep was occasionally okay, but not great. You got married, bought a house, […]
When Miles was born we planted a new little tree in our front yard. That little tree has been so resilient. It takes a lot for a new tree to make it here in Minnesota. If it’s not winter, covering the earth with ice and snow, it’s not raining enough. So new little trees need a whole lot of love and attention to survive. This particular tree did not receive it’s much needed love and attention however. And yet, there it is, sprouting new leaves each spring, bright with green. I often look at it and wonder how it’s pulling off growing up. Because of it’s resiliency, that little “Miles Tree,” planted in honor of birth, didn’t give up to the curse of the crazy dog and her chain. Last summer our dog, Tia would occasionally be hooked up out front rather than in our fenced backyard. Mostly because Ryan would be in […]
Recently on Twas Brillig, there appeared a hilarious and thought-provoking post. Which happens most every day with that lady. Brillig posed a question. I cannot do her post justice, of course. But since my thoughts were provoked there, she deserves the credit for the subject matter. Here it is: “Do you often feel that you are, in one way or another “better” than the crowd?”Right now the poll is like this:88% YES11% NO At first I thought of how often I feel insecure in a crowd. So my immediate response was NO, I don’t feel “better” than others. I know we all disagree and judge each other on a regular basis. We see something done differently than we would do it and we think it’s wrong, not just simply different. Most of us anyway. But I wonder how much of that comes from how insecure we human-folk really are. It makes us feel […]
A busy brain = too much posting. Forgive me. But I have to do this or my brain actually stops working all-together due to over-crowding. You just never know what might get kicked out with all the over-load. And I need a lot of the information that’s in there now. Like what year it is. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about birth order. I guess I always have thought a lot about it. There are just the two of us in my family, my older sister and I. It always seemed to me that our birth order was a really big deal. It was talked about a lot. I was called “the baby.” My sister took on a more responsible, rule-following, mature existence. I did not. I liked to goof off (still do) and be with my friends. I hated being home, was easily bored. As a child, I was more laid […]
The thing about the catscan is that I really don’t think it’s necessary, but it’s quite hard to ignore that the doctor seemed a wee bit concerned. And she is an excellent and seasoned doctor. I’m sure she’s also a bit paranoid that someone might sue her pants off if she didn’t always suggest the tests, there’s always that…. We decided that having the catscan would kill two birds with one stone. Asher is knocked over, hitting his head on the floor – CRACK! – at least three times a day by his brother. Then there are the times he isn’t pushed over, but simply loses his balance and – CRACK! – hits the noggin on the hardwood again and again. Which happens around three times a day as well. Yes, this happens to all babies. They have thick skulls. But I’m convincing myself the catscan will be more worthwhile if we also […]
Sometimes life gets really full of uncomfortable and painful stuff. Then I remember that conversation with my dad when I was about 21. When I said, “is life always hard, or does it ever get easier?” Oh, my naivete! He just looked at me and smirked. A smirk that said, “I don’t want to tell you the truth right now.” And I was crushed. Because I so badly wanted to believe it would get easier, even though I knew deep down that it wouldn’t. Not that life isn’t full of joys, but many times, the sorrows sneak up and try to steal away the good things. You know how there can just be weeks at a time, or sometimes much longer, when you feel you’re treading water and there is absolutely no boat in sight? You know it’s there, coming sometime, but you’re really tired of swimming. Of spinning your wheels. Not getting […]
Do you have that piece of paper handy? The one with the long list of things that, according to the doctor, might be wrong with Asher? I mean, it’s been quite a year. There was concern that he was missing part of his digestive system (xrays at Children’s=no abnormalities). There was concern that he had the worst case of reflux ever to hit a baby (he drinks barium at 2 months, at Children’s, has another xray=we find out he indeed has reflux, but just the usual variety). And then there was the concern that there was a hole in the digestive system (more xrays). And then we saw a GI specialist, etc…. Oh! And don’t forget all that went wrong with the circumsicion and the the urology appointments. Don’t forget that, that’s fun too… Asher is strapped in to some sort of hold-the-baby-upright-device with his arms over his head for these xrays. He […]
You know that old saying, “the truth hurts?” Well, I think it heals. You know, the truth will set you free and all that…I love the idea behind this challenge from Mama Manifesto for that reason. The challenge? GET REAL! If every mom felt free to do so, I think we’d all be a bit more comfortable in our own skin. Not as a justification for the times that we don’t measure up to what we’d like to be doing, but as a recognition that we are only human and can’t be perfect. We all have some things we need work on and we always will. Some are the same and some are different. But admitting them can be the very thing that makes another mom realize she doesn’t have to kill herself to try to be something that another mom is not. (If you’d like to play along, leave a comment with […]
Of bees. But that’s not what I’m talking about today… My main squeez-a-roonie and I are in talks about possibly moving to my hometown. Where I grew up. Not the city. Small place. Been gone for years. Currently a city girl. Scared of going back in time. Scared. You see, I moved back there about ten years ago, not long after college, and had a not-so-smart time of life. I was single, confused, silly, immature, and did I mention silly? I call the couple of years (three?) I lived there my “stupid years.” The years where I did everything I never thought I would do in the name of stupidity. Just floundered. Made a fool of myself. You get the idea. It may be a matter of pride that keeps me from considering fully the idea of actually living there. Because I know I made a bit of a name for myself in […]
I was just cleaning up the house, moving the highchair back to it’s position up against the wall between the desk and the bouncy seat. The leg of the highchair and the leg of the bouncy seat kept clashing together, making it hard to get the stupid chair in proper position. That’s when it hit me. We no longer have a need for the bouncy seat. Asher does not sit, strapped in, to anything (besides his car seat and then he cries the whole time). Because he’s nearly one. Yet I kept the stupid, toe-stubbing bouncy seat right there in the middle of the dining room all this time, vacant. It became furniture. Or a decoration. Completely unnoticed except for the times when Miles, Ryan and I would cry out after our big toes met their fate (pretty much daily). This little unimportant event got me thinking about how many things like that […]
I don’t watch the news or read the paper. I don’t because first of all, I’m lazy like that. And secondly, I just can’t handle all the bad news. I figure if there’s really something I need to know, Ryan will tell me. Sometimes he fills me in on the most appalling stories and then I want to kick him. But I don’t. That wouldn’t be very patient and kind. And I am always 100% patient and kind, just ask him. Anyway, just because I don’t watch the news or read the paper doesn’t mean I can escape the sad stories of this life. I love reading blogs. Even blogs about really sad times in people’s lives. When I feel a strong sense of empathy or sympathy, or simply some of the pain over someone’s situation, it actually makes me feel good in the end. Because I do believe that we really can […]
I read once that the mind is like a tree and our thoughts are the branches. Our train of thought moving from thing to thing is like monkeys swinging from branch to branch. A monkey moves to a new branch, our topic becomes new. You get the idea. I love it when I can actually watch this happen with another person. Especially someone who, like me, has absolutely no control over the monkeys. My monkeys are completely nuts. They are so busy and so fast that I can rarely keep up. Sometimes I just want to tell them to take a nap. They hardly even rest at night! I swear they’re on something, or maybe getting too much natural sugar from all the bananas. I don’t know. Sometimes I just want new monkeys even though I’ve grown to love mine. I’m very familiar with them. Even though some of them aren’t that nice. […]
Ryan calls me “Colombo” pretty frequently because I notice everything. I even notice small unimportant things. Let me tell you, I sure can fill my brain with a whole lot of meaningless information. All it really does for me is send my brain into over-drive.For example, I notice exactly how things are arranged on say… end tables. Then the next time I’m in the same place, I notice if something is missing or askew and I fight the urge to slightly move the item. I guess my nickname should be “Monk.” It’s not that I’m scrutinizing or judging these things, it just simply happens without me making an effort. It comes naturally to store these pictures in my mind. Now don’t go thinking I have a photographic memory, cause that’s not it. I don’t really know what it is. I just take things in.Another example: I know if Ryan had more than his […]
Today is one of those days that just feels good. First of all, the weather! Oh, what a relief. Monday we had a blizzard and today I watched a convertible drive by with it’s top down. Crazy Minnesotan! But I totally get it. If I had a convertible, my top would be down too!I watched “Ellen” this morning too, which is always a special treat for me. I don’t turn on regular TV with the kids around (call me crazy but I hate it when they see commercials). But anyway, Miles was at school and Asher was asleep so I got to catch some of the show. There was a guy on that recently boated across the Atlantic. Now, that’s no big deal if you’re on a ship or a boat with a motor, but we’re talkin’ ROW boat. I’m sure many people think the dude is a total nutcase. But me? I […]
I had a conversation recently about attachment disorders and how they start with a lack of love, bonding, and attachment in the first three years of life. These are the kinds of topics that raise the hair on my neck and start the spin cycle in my stomach. Then I am forced to take a deep breath and remind myself that I don’t ignore my children or intentionally withhold love in any way. Neither does Ryan so I think we’re okay. Maybe the dog hurts their feelings sometimes with her flippant snubs, but I’m hoping that’s different.After the deep breath and return to reality I’m usually okay, but sometimes the big worry monster wants to keep rearing her over-sized and sneaky head. She is usually just napping somewhere close enough nearby that if I walk by her, she snaps right up and hops on my back. Or maybe my shoulders. Then I carry […]
We’ve been super busy, which is wonderful, but geez I’m tired! I won’t go into great detail about all that we’ve done, but in the last two days we’ve hung out with …Kate, Caleb, Benjamin and Ella (twice). Uncle Kevin. Moms and their kidlins at church. Heather. Grandma Mary. Neighbors Bob and Kathy…. I thrive on socializing, just ask my parents, I’ve always been this way. So it’s been a good couple of days for me. There are about a million different reasons why I love to be around other people. Here are just a few of the reasons why…My heart’s desire is to be in daily motion with others. To lend support and receive it too. To laugh and cry with other people who can feel along with me. To talk about what really matters and share memories. To just sit and be with someone who knows my heart, even when no […]
You know that feeling, in the pit of your stomach, like something just isn’t right? And you can think it to death and still come up empty handed? Maybe it’s just that I’m tired? Maybe it’s that I talked with a dear friend who’s struggling? Or maybe it’s that I’m thinking too hard about all that I could do better? I just don’t know.Then I read a friend’s blog and she was so focused on the tangible good in her life. So I thought maybe it’s just that I’m being so negative lately? Or maybe it’s the stinkin‘ snowy, cloudy, pukiness that is my beloved Minnesota?I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but the reality is, I sometimes feel like one. I usually snap out of it pretty quickly, but it’s hard for me to do. I gave my dad a card recently that said, “sometimes you just need to take a […]
I remember having a bit of a “quarter-life crisis” in my mid-twenties. I thought life would look so different than it did when I got there. When I was a teenager, I imagined I would have three kids by the time I was the ripe old age of 25! But when 25 actually arrived, there was another part of me that couldn’t believe I ever thought that way, since I still felt 18. And in so many ways I still wanted to be 18 and therefore acted like I was 18. I’ve always had trouble moving on to the next phase of things. I get comfortable or lazy or something. I think that’s pretty typical of my generation. I know for sure it’s typical of me. Now I suddenly find myself nearing 33. It isn’t as shocking anymore, getting older. Because once I hit 30, I just stayed there. Time froze and I […]
Before I was a mom, I was a lot of things. I was a wife, a full-time employee, an available friend and family member. I was focused on getting exercise and I read a lot of books. I was a care-giver to people in need and I made it to church nearly every Sunday. I went to movies a lot and out to eat even more. I faithfully visited my grandpa at the nursing home, every Saturday or Sunday that I was in town, without fail. That person I’m describing is still me, what drove me to live that life is still what I am made of, I just don’t have as much time for all of the things I used to do. I still visit grandpa as much as I can, and I do get to go out to eat with friends as my “escape.” But I don’t generally make it to […]
I’m usually pretty patient with winter. I don’t know what happened this year, but I’m so done with cold weather. I find myself imagining it warm and thinking of all the things we could do with our time if it were nice outside.One of my favorite things in life is being in the sun. I know I’m getting wrinkly from it, but growing up in a resort area of Minnesota leads to an addiction to all things lake. My friends and I spent hours and hours on the lake each summer, mostly on “floaties,” since we weren’t old enough to drive boats. Then when we were old enough, we spent hours and hours on pontoons and boats, wasting away the day, baking in the sun, and just simply hanging out. Ah, I dream of that now.I would love a day on the lake. I can feel the breeze and the spray of water. […]
Warning: This is one of my “serious” posts. Don’t read it if you’re not in the mood.I talk a good line. I keep writing posts about staying positive. Sometimes I feel like a huge hypocrite. Sometimes I really want to be a non-thinker. I want to simply live and breathe, hang out and think about a lot of unimportant things. I’m just not made that way. I think so hard about things and I really can’t help it. I’m pretty jealous of people who just don’t think. That’s sounds a bit nutty, but I am. Nutty and jealous.There are people who honestly don’t give much thought to how well they’re doing at things, or what they want for their lives. They just live. Maybe they miss out on things, or maybe they fall into good things despite never having thought about it. I know both kinds of people – those that think too […]
“i beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer….” rainer maria rilke It seems like in every season of life, there is a bit of a need to accept the questions. So I share this today as a reminder to myself and whoever else enjoys reminders. Sometimes we forget to just be where we are and breathe. We always want to jump ahead, or we’re fearful of jumping ahead because it’s such a mystery. Oftentimes, we’re waiting for […]
Forget all that jazz yesterday about cinnamon muffins. I looked in the freezer later and realized my mom had left this raspberry pastry thingy here. The kind that you just leave out over night and then throw in the oven. So that’s what I did. I guess the “mommy brain” trip to the grocery store yesterday was completely for not. No, I take that back, I did get conversation hearts out of the deal, and those little hearts happen to be one of my favorite things about Valentine’s Day. Okay, maybe they are my favorite part of V-Day, but only because I’m one of “those” party poopers who doesn’t really like the forced nature of Valentine’s Day. I think it’s nice and all that my hubby comes home with flowers, but it is kind of silly if you think about it real hard. And I think about everything way too hard, so I’ve […]
“WHO needs SLEEP? NOT ME!” I am someone who believes in the power of prayer. So why don’t I pray more? I ask myself this a whole lot. I’ll be wracked with worries, overwhelmed with everyday life, consumed with anxiety about the smallest and the biggest things, and yet I will forget to pray. I understand a few reasons why I’m not all that prayerful. First of all, I never really have been. I don’t have the “practice.” Secondly, my mind wanders no matter what the heck I’m doing, so talking to Someone who doesn’t audibly respond and keep eye contact with me is quite difficult. Also, I struggle with unbelief enough to tread lightly with my requests. What I mean by that is that I see God working around me all the time, but for some reason I think His power doesn’t apply to my “stuff.” Whenever I ask Him for help, […]
I wrapped a few gifts today. And I got my haircut. And I stopped and picked up a gift for our neighbor, Tom Mr. Nice Guy. That’s what I got done today. So now all I need to do is:make cookies (after I go get the ingredients so I have something to make), wrap the rest of the gifts (after I finish shopping so I have something to wrap), pack for our trip to Spicer (after I do laundry so I have something to pack), attend an extended family gathering…. STOP! STOP listing it, I say! STOP!Okay I’m losing it. I just love to be organized and prompt and I just can’t be anymore so I need to just stop making lists. Lists are overwhelming. But if I don’t make the lists than I might forget something really important, (like my mother-in-laws gift) and that would be bad. So not writing lists can […]
