Control Freak

I thought of one more song I used to hear wrong. Couldn’t resist sharing that I thought the song “Voices Carry,” (80’s tune) was “this is scary.” Love that one.
I don’t have much to say today. Miles has a stomach bug it seems. Or it’s teeth, I’m not sure. I feel like I’m constantly saying that as a mom. It could be this, or that, or maybe it’s just this. Maybe I should try this, or now I’ll try that and then it won’t be this but it will be that. I find that to be one of the hardest parts. I guess it’s probably because I’m a control freak and there’s no way I can control everything with motherhood or my children. I suppose it’s good for me to learn to stop trying to rely on myself so much. I just don’t like letting go that much. I want to make everything perfect for my boys and I can’t. It’s a pretty helpless feeling. I need to learn to pray more. But that’s a whole other can of worms.
Like this thing with Asher. His colic, fussiness, indigestion, reflux, very little sleeping….. I can’t imagine any other kind of work in this life being harder than trying to deal with that and still be good to your husband and other child. I’ve often thought over the last months that this is happening for me to let go of control. The cool part is that I’ll always be able to look at Asher and know that his beginning was one of the greatest lessons of my life. I’ll be forever changed because of how this has stretched me and taught me that I can’t try to control everything. I have never wanted anything more than to take away his pain. Every day he’s uncomfortable and anxious. That’s tough for any mom. You simply believe in your heart that you should be able to fix it, to take it away and make life good. But sometimes you can’t. I know this is just one of many times on our parenting path that we won’t be able to make everything okay. We won’t be able to go ahead of our children and make it all easy and painless no matter how badly we want to or how hard we try. Every time there’s a hurdle (or enormous mountain) on our path I become more and more thankful that God did not leave us to do this alone. These kids are actually His. I can’t wrap my mind around how He could love them even more than I do, but I know He does and I’m slowly allowing Him to pry my hands free. Right now I can admist I have too tight a hold.
So I said I didn’t have anything to say today, but as usual I can’t stop the ramble. Good thing Asher’s here to say “HEY LADY! Get away from that computer and pick me up!”