Monday~November 9, 2009
How can there be no time to cry?
We rushed out the door this morning so our house could be inspected. I drove around with Asher and with the dog climbing all over and her smell climbing all over and went to my Aunt’s house. Asher climbed all over her stairs and he can’t do stairs because he can’t see well without his broken glasses but he just would not stop with the stairs so we left.
We were just in limbo with nothing to do.
We went to get groceries, and I thought about how frustrating it is that we put an offer on a house on Friday night and we still haven’t heard anything. Then I bought milk and meat which wasn’t that smart because I couldn’t put the milk and meat in the fridge because we couldn’t go home because of the inspection. I wanted to cry because of Stellan and his heart not working and for all the other kinds of limbo in life that are sometimes too much so you can’t breathe, but I was at the grocery store and I hate when I public-cry.
We brought the groceries to the neighbor’s house for them to wait in a fridge and I went to get Miles from school, leaving Asher at the neighbor’s. I drove past my own house with three strange cars in front of it and strangers in it spending a lot of time and I felt weird.
I wanted to cry about Stellan and the strange things you feel when someone who will be the mom in your house is in it and you don’t know her. I wanted to walk in my house like normal but mostly just to tell her that the front room gets the coldest in the winter so maybe they shouldn’t use it as her son’s bedroom. I wanted to tell her that.
I stopped myself from crying again because I didn’t want to look like that crazy mom picking up her son from preschool, all puffy and red in public.
The inspection took nearly an hour longer than it was supposed to so we got home from the neighbor’s at nap time but missed lunch so I tried to feed the boys left-overs and they said this is gross and so I said fine be hungry during your nap. Then Asher ran away when I came with a diaper and Miles yelled NO about nap and I thought I might yell too but I bit my lip and fought the tears because I already cried in the morning when we woke up.
I cried when my boys sat with me on the crumply bed while the sun came up and we prayed for Stellan. I answered hard questions and cried because I’m scared for Stellan and I want to hug his Mom. I cried because I’m not sure how to answer the questions. Miles asked over and over if we could go see Baby Stellan in the hospital because he doesn’t understand. He also wanted me to email the doctor and tell him to give Stellan a balloon. It starts young, this wanting to fix things. But we were in limbo with nothing to do. But pray. So we did.
I put them down for their naps after a lunch they didn’t eat and now I can cry. It’s just welling up and spilling over, this pain I feel for my friend and her boy. I can’t stand it. So much limbo with nothing to do but blog and pray.
UPDATE:
7:00pm
-Stellan just came out of surgery and it was SUCCESSFUL, you can read about that on his Mama’s blog if you’d like.
-We finally received a response to our offer this afternoon, responded, and therefore bought our new home. We’re good to go, my friends. We’re officially moving at the end of December. (well, OK…pending inspection.) Holy wow.
-Thank you all for your encouraging comments, phone calls, and emails. Really. Thank you. What a difference a few hours and MUCH support can make.
{ 50 comments }
It's good to cry. And you deserve it. Sending good thoughts.
It's good to cry. And you deserve it. Sending good thoughts.
Hugs, girl. Lots of hugs.
I can relate to so much about this. The not-knowing being so much harder than the knowing, the sharp and preoccupying pain of both uncertainty and of someone else's hardship. I've been thinking of stellan all day as well.
And of you.
xo
lindsey
I cry after OBaby is down for the night. I'm so thankful for a way and a time to let it all out. Life is just too big sometimes, isn't it? Sending you hugs.
I don't even know MckMama except through her blog and I have cried too. It is so hard NOT to. I thought of you and your friendship with her and how that must make it even harder. Hugs to you, my friend. And yes, if I was sitting across from you at a dinner table talking about these things, I would totally be doing the big, ugly public cry : ).
love and hugs and prayers and tears.
love your heart and i love you!
Good to read this and know I am not the only one that feels in limbo sometimes and it makes you feel like crying. I cried yesterday in church during communion for no good reason and my husband put his arm around me which made me cry more. We women are a strange species sometimes, but our hearts are working overtime.
I'm crying with you today Heather. The release is so good, but the reasons for the tears are not fun today. Prayers being sent every which way today.
I think AllisonO said it best – 'Life is just too big sometimes, isn't it?'.
Praying that life gets a little smaller today for you.
Praying for Stellan and MckMama as well, I can't even imagine….
AllisonO put it very simply, and exactly:
Life is just too big sometimes.
We're all in this together, though.
It is just heart breaking! The poor little thing doesn't know why? You have such sweet kids. Tell them I am sure he is getting a balloon at the hospital
such sweet boys you have.
'be still and know'…
(((big hugs to you)))
Prayers and tears are all I can seem to offer her. And support. *huge hugs* I can't imagine what it must be like to have inspections, strangers, visits and all that. My home is MY HOME no matter where, when, what military base or how crappy the Army's cared for it, with our pictures, furniture and hearts in it, it's mine.
I hope the limbo-ness ends for you soon, honey.
You seem like such a good person, and so down to earth and "normal". What lucky little boys…to have such a kind hearted mama. What I'm trying to say is thank you for writing such straight forward posts and not hiding what you really feel.
I am thinking of Stellan as well, as my little 16 month old is fast asleep in his crib for a nap. I can't even begin to imagine what his mom is going through and also wish I could be there for her.
Sherry from KS
A good cry is good for the sole. It clears out all that anxiety and frustration that builds up when you have trials in your life.
I sometimes feel a little down so I will put in my favorite crying movie(my husband calls them that)P.S. I Love You, have a good cry. I feel better and I have released everything that was bottled up inside.I cna get on with life.
prayer can fill a lot of limbo :-)
I am oh so selfishly taking something from this post. Something just for me…something I wanted. That being, to stop pacing the floors over my own time in limbo. Because it is such a small time. Such a benign time compared to that of Stellan's family and friends. Those like you with your big heart spilling out of you into blinding tears.
I'm sorry for the pain and the worry, but glad for that big heart and how keenly you also feel the joys in your life. It balances out in the end. I'm certain of it.
sometimes we just need to CRY. I keep hoping with each tear, a little bit of the pain we feel washes away.
I hope Stellan will be ok
and things aren't in Limbo——God never lets things be in limbo,(it just seems that way to us) things are happening, miracles happening………all the time.
I cry. A lot. I am a cry baby. This post made me cry and I don't even know Stellan or his mom. Hugs and prayers!!
Oh friend, I'm so sorry. I know those puffy eyed limbo days. And they are stinky mcstinkerton. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry! You've got a lot going on right now. I've been to scared to read the Stellan update but I can see that I must. You know my son had SVT at birth too? Nothing like Stellan but enough to scare me silly. My boy seems to have grown out of it but seeing his heart going 320 bpm was one of the most frightening moments of Motherhood for me.
I can only imagine how challenging this is for them. So sad. I suppose all we can do is pray and offer support.
I have spent so many hours crying and blogging that I am an expert on the subject. It is good for you.
Bless your heart for all the kindness within. You never fail to inspire me. Take care.
You're in a time of transition and stress and it's perfectly ok and good to cry. I understand completely.
I hope you get some rest tonight. And that things are much better now. I can't imagine…
Steph
But you know what, it was good to be in limbo with only praying to do because that praying worked for Stellen.
And I know that limbo is hard but keep praying b/c soon it will work for you.
I just read the latest update and it looks good! So sorry you had such a tumultuous day – crying is good, sometimes. Hope you feel better now, and really hope you've heard back from that offer you put in last week! argh!
I'm so glad all went well for Stellan. I'm so glad all's gone well for you. What beautiful, beautiful relief. Praying for you. Praying for Stellan. Congratulations on your house. *hugs*
Crying is theraputic…sometimes ot helps just to get it out, even if noone is there to listen.
Congrats on the house news-so exciting. Sleep well tonight dear!
Sorry I am a bit tardy with my good thoughts, but…heck…a spare good thought is always useful!
Much luck!
Wow, that is wonderful how all worked out for you! I felt emotional today, too & I'm glad everything went fine. :)
This was a very powerful post Heather. I can relate to a lot of this and some of it I can imagine as well.
Crying is just something you have to do sometimes. If you feel like it then you have to find the time to cry. However, I understand those moments when you need to have a brave face. I just went through an entire weekend like that actually.
Thinking of you lots!
Just reading this now….
so glad to hear the more positive updates,
but may cry anyway, because we can and should.
I'm a public cryer – I cried last Sunday telling our pastor how much his sermon moved me. He is not a public cryer. But on a day like today, with so very much in flux, the tears are almost a physical response, like the plumbing needs some pressure valves loosened. Be kind to yourself, fellow weeper. And yay for Stellan!!
I hate that our society doesn't always let it be ok to live and breathe and cry and feel and BE A HUMNAN… Ugh. I'm so SO glad you had a turnaround! I had a bad Monday but not as bad as you… Life has a way of "checking" me…
So awesome for Stellan! And so awesome for you getting your new home! Photos coming soon?
Oh, Heather, you're sounding the least bit frazzled to me! I know that feeling so well – that sense of "hurry up and wait", on top of "needing to fix things you can't fix", sprinkled with "my kids take their every cue from me so I need to be careful how much I shift the sand under their little feet."
I'm so glad the big scary things resolved happily. Take a deep breath, retire to the tub, and cry your eyes out.
Tomorrow, as Miz O'Hara said, is another day.
Limbo is a hard place. Praying is the best thing to do while you are there in that spot. Thanks for sharing your heart. Hugs for you, friend!
Glad I got here at midnight, so I could see how everything turned out. Love how you word things, so real and honest and beautiful…even when it's sad. Thanks for that. Holly at lifelaughlatte
Yeah for Stellan!
Yeah for your new house!
Yeah for tears that allow us to express the emotions that overwhelm.
go ahead and cry ti feels good sometimes. But I understand how it's not good to cryinfront of your kids they don't like to see their mommies cry!!
Glad about your house,but yuck the end of dec. what about all the christmas decor?
Heather, here are two of my favorite quotes – enjoy…
"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure has been laid on it." -albert smith
"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short." – Story people: bittersweet by Brian Andreas
I have so many things I want to say about this post and I have no idea how to say any of it. Must be this "fog" of not sleeping much…
I just loved your openness and honesty here.
I so felt the same way for Stellan yesterday and prayed so much. Little prayers sprinkled throughout my day in the midst of the fog.
I am so excited that you have a new home and I look forward to hearing more about this journey. Still – I get the emotions – and my goodness! Have a good cry already lady!! :)
Limbo. I go through weeks where I can't stop thinking that every day and moment I am in limbo. Waiting for the next thing – good or bad – to come my way. Waiting for me to take over me and be the me that is waiting to be. I know it's not as finite as waiting on a house and waiting on a move, but these things so thoroughly define WHO you are that I feel it is quite simply the same type of feeling. Moving is hard. Hard hard hard. And there will be lots of work involved, physical and emotional. But you have your beautiful boys. And your words. You always always have your words. And the only thing you don't have to worry about packing up is this blog.
Congrats on the new home…and get the cries out, Mama. You've got a lot to process right now.
And NEVER underestimate the power of a 3 year old's prayer.
GREAT news!!! :)
A good cry is sometimes worth it! I'm glad your day ending with good news!! Congrats on the new home!
I know I was here Monday so how did I miss this? Bless your heart. What a day. So many perfectly good reasons to cry.
And congrats on the house. How exciting. And stressful too:(
We all have 'off' days, huh? I'm SO glad this one turned out good though and I hope you were smiling at the end of it.
I'm SO elated regarding the news about Stellan. I think the whole bloggy world is! (at least our little corner of it!!) :D
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