March 2010

She calls herself French Skinny and her blog, The French Skinny Expirement is fascinating me. The tag line – “My friend, Shaboom, moved to France and lost 65 pounds without trying. I’m in Burbank, CA and I’m going to copy what she does.” Back and forth, they journal their days and watch the pounds mysteriously disappear. What Shaboom does, French Skinny does nd the weight is coming off, even after all those croissants. Maybe I should copy too…. __________ Speaking of food… I want to introduce you to Food for My Family. I just discovered that the writer, Shaina, lives only a mile or two down the road from where we lived before our big move. I wish I would have known that sooner! When Shaina won a little Twitter contest I did the other day, I spent some time on her site and I love it. I’m terribly disorganized about healthy eating […]

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Comfort

March 29, 2010

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand-in-hand.”{Emily Kimbrough} Motherhood has shown me how little I know about much of anything. It started right away. I thought I would know exactly what to do {pffft}, but I second-guessed everything. So much of the time, this unknowledge loomed over me, past and present and future. I knew instantly that I desperately wanted control of everything and I had control of nothing. It was terrifying. To fiercely want to protect while feeling so helpless. Sometimes it feels like all I’ve done since we had our boys is stand in one place trying to figure things out. Thinking about how to do right by them or fix this or that while all the clashing thoughts bounce around my head and heart. Most often, by the time I work through the mess and come up the best possible response, […]

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Part of healing is building something new. Part of letting go is creating. Part of growing is doing. I’ve never been all that good at the doing part. I want the pictures in my mind to appear in real life with little to no effort. That goes for both who I want to be and what I want around me. Lately, instead of looking for perfection (those pictures in my head), I’m looking simply for progress. It helps me to have a concrete plan and accountability. Without the second part of the formula, my lack of discipline rears its ugly head and strikes me lazy every time. So annoying. That being said, I wanted to share here (accountability) what Ryan and I are doing these days. You see, our new house needs some TLC. The problem is, we are the type of people that ramble on and on with ideas and say this […]

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A Moment

March 25, 2010

I am trying to get something written. I’m down to the last minute and it needs to get done. So while the red potatoes are sizzling in the oil on the stove, I’m pecking away at the keyboard. Miles and Asher are cats and they are meowing and softly clawing at my ankles. They are kitties who need petting and cooing or the climbing up and nudging and poking and pulling will start. Ryan is calling from the living room asking, are both of us taking Asher to his appointment? and what’s the plan for Miles? I answer half and fluster {meow meow} and so I tell him we have to talk about it later. Then I’m hopping up and over the kitties to not burn the potatoes. I stir and then I’m throwing things in a bag and hugging and kissing and giving directions and running out the door. Later, I get […]

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I carry you

March 22, 2010

I Carry You~originally posted on June 31, 2009 I look down and my hand is doing that thing,it’s resting on my lap in a curve. Dad, your hand was just this same way today, I saw it.It was sitting there resting exactly like this. Just like Grandpa. The same hand in the same spot. Curved just so, fingertips to leg.The lanky fingers that grow thicker with time,they curve on the lap and rest. I do it too and it’s just like the unconscious way I run my finger across my lip like Grandpa Glenn when I’m nervous. Or how I grab the bottom of my shirt and rub my thumb across the fabric, like Grandma Helen. It’s the way I care like Aunt Elsie and understand like Grandma Colleen. It’s the way I laugh like Aunt Sandi and cry like Auntie Kay. Today I’m thankful that I carry you, all of you. My […]

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Before 1. Our roof is being replaced. The funky house is about to get even cooler, thanks to the help of our friend Sharon and her design skills, and my Dad and his crew. Seriously. WHY didn’t anyone else want to buy this rad place? Is it the leaky basement? The wallpaper? The bad tile in the kitchen? I say, WHO CARES! All the windows and light and open space make up for it. Especially in Vitamin D-deprived Minnesota. (After photos to come…you know, after it’s done.) Attended children. 2. I probably shouldn’t be taking the time to write this post, but it’s difficult to resist a 7 Quick Takes because you can cover so much territory. I should be returning emails. If I owe you an email, please forgive me. Like I mentioned earlier, I am currently out of the house five nights a week. This leaves me a bit…overly scattered. When […]

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Hurts so good

March 17, 2010

This really is a whole new life and it feels both wrong and right to write that. It started with the quitting of the drinking and it just snowballs and snowballs and sometimes I feel like I’m just rolling downhill with it, completely out of control. I’m gone five nights a week to learn how to get a handle on this sobriety thing and that’s good and that’s hard. It feels both wrong and right. It feels busy and overwhelming and yet I know it’s right. I’m reading little booklets given to me by my chemical dependency counselor with titles like, Intimacy and Understanding Emotions. Identity. Trust. Insecurity. When I’m reading, it all seems so obvious, but I’ve never really let the knowledge of how to live these things get from my head to my heart. It’s overwhelming too, and you guessed it, it feels both wrong and right. In her book Drinking: […]

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I wore makeup yesterday. (And yes, the same sweater I wear all the time. I wore that too.) (I asked google if makeup should be makeup or make-up or make up and google said, all of the above.) (All of the above makes me feel itchy. Any of them will be fine? Huh, I don’t know. I like one right answer…I’m working on that.) Ryan and I brought our beautiful boys-with streaks of makeup on their faces-to my Mom, and then we kissed them on their soft cheeks, goodbye we said, and then we drove to Minneapolis to see Ryan’s brother perform at the Walker Art Center. You see, Ryan’s exceptionally talented musician brother, Dave was being honored at a two day event…The concert was a wordless kind of amazing.(I would have taken pictures, but I was all worried that it was against the rules and that’s another thing that makes me itchy, […]

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Before

March 12, 2010

I found the post below sitting quietly in my drafts. I had completely forgotten it. I wrote it before we moved and before I quit drinking. I came across it today and realized that I must have known then. I knew I was going to quit drinking. It was coming. I had no idea, really and I didn’t believe that I could. But I knew. Written on December 20th, 2010 – exactly one month before: Maybe she’s not even a version of me. It’s more like there’s a piling up of these things that I’ve practiced being until they’ve covered up the real me. I still have a lot of rubble to rifle through, and yet, I’m finally hopeful. Maybe it’s the new chapter in our lives opening up, a move to a new place, a fresh start. The things I still struggle with, like we all do, seem smaller. I’m threatening to […]

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Quiet

March 11, 2010

This is how Asher countswhile playing hide-n-seek.He counts to five, very slowlywith his ears coveredand his eyes scrunched shutand then heROARS.After that, he’s off to seek the hider,as if his little routine was entirely necessary. (The above photo-with the nice view of brownies in and around his mouth-was taken at The Point Of ROAR. You’re welcome.) His roar is not quiet at all,but it’s all he hears with his covered ears,so to him?Quiet. Sometimes that’s what we all need to do, huh?Block out the world and let out a roar.And then we’re off to seek and find… Go ahead,ROARand thenShhhhh…. Your insides will thank you. P.S. I’m getting back into a more regular writing routine over at the Mama Manifesto. I have a post over there today about kids and how early in life they learn to hide their feelings. (I know, ACK!) Go on and check it out if you’d like. I […]

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Heat rises

March 7, 2010

I pass him on my way in and he’s intent on his anger. He brushes by me repeating, I hate this I hate this I hate this. We share a moment of his pain on the sidewalk and I’m rattled by the heat of rage rising up the skin of his neck. I come in to the warmth of the smell of coffee and sugar. I sit down and breathe and I think Oh humanity. ~~~It’s a blind date, I think. His leg pumps up and down with his nerves while he lifts his mug. He says something she seems to be confused by and so she says something about his priorities. It’s a joke, but he swallows the lump in his throat while the heat rises to his face and his leg bounces faster with his fake laugh. There’s an awkward silence and then she asks how big his family is. They […]

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It’s time for The Saturday Evening Blog Post with Elizabeth Esther. This is an opportunity (the first Saturday of each month) for the Internets to share their best, favorite and/or most well-received post from the previous month. Head on over there to check out what post I chose (I know, pins and needles), and to read some of the best posts you can find around the web. (The post I chose this month was also featured on Five Star Friday (Edition #93) yesterday. Nothing but an honor. Thank you, Schmutzie.) Apparently the link I shared over on The Saturday Evening Blog Post was not the right one. (I blame my ADD.) I added another one, it’s #40 over there. Sorry for the confusion! COMMENTS ARE CLOSED ON THIS POST Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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The posts that write themselves, in a flourish of creativity where fingers pound the keyboard like they have a mind of their own, are the best. I’m often confident about them in a way that escapes me most of the time. On the other hand, if I’m driving or taking a shower or making lunch for my boys and an idea strikes me, it rattles around in my mind and heart for too long. So when I sit down to reign it in, I’m lost, often pulling thoughts from a hundred light bulb moments that don’t add up. I’m editing and editing and second-guessing and insecure. I work and work here and there, and still feel I come up short. There needs to be a freedom in this, a gut level honesty of the moment, a kind of escape. That’s when the words reach out to other hearts and shake hands in agreement. […]

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When she knocks

March 4, 2010

A person in love with wine like me asked how I’m doing this,this not drinking,HOW? How did you break up with her? How do you hit 3 o’clock in your day and not have 5 o’clock to look forward to?HOW? The truth is, most of the timeI have no idea.Yes, I talk about a new calmpeacesurrenderbeing present, and that’s all true. But that peace and calm comes without getting to take the edge offand that is hard work, yes.My life, like anyone’s lifeis filled with angst and questionsand hurt andyesterday was filled withpoop and barfand whiningand disappointmentsand sadnessand snotty nosesand we need groceriesand there’s always someone climbing on me. But I don’t know. I guess sobriety teaches you that you have no other choice. I guess it’s like anything else you have to do. You just do it. You simply don’t go to the liquor store. When thoughts, when wine knocks on the […]

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