Today has been a day of nothing. Really. It feels like nothing. I feel like nothing.
I have floated through it numb and brimming over with tears and heartache at the same time. If that’s possible.
Things have happened. Waking up and sipping coffee and walking around kinds of things. It’s the most beautifully perfect Midwestern spring day and I’m resisting it. I’m holing up inside the house while saying over and over that I need to get outside, for vitamin D and fresh air and fun.
But I just can’t. It’s hard to describe it because I don’t even really understand it myself. And tomorrow will be different. I might spend all day outside, like yesterday when I sat with the sun on my skin and then put the boys in the stroller and ran and ran and felt so good.
It’s like I spend all my energy in one day and then have nothing left for a few. The bills need to have checks written for them, but I just can’t. They’re due and I need to do it and I don’t. Same goes for the dishes.
I also kept thinking I should call someone, just to talk and say how I’m feeling. But I didn’t. It was like it took too much energy to get what I really need. And Miles asked me, Is it tomorrow now? And I wish it was and it feels like it should be because today is long.
My heart was hurting and I was wishing that I had more than three friends in this new-ish place, and I was feeling so lonely in my feelings and my thoughts and I kerplunked down in my desk chair and slouched my shoulders and looked at Twitter, uninterested, thinking it dumb, really. Dumb Twitter. And then I was staring at Twitter some more with more slouching and I saw that Kelly said “it was a great post” to Steph and so I went to Steph’s place and I read her words. Oh, Steph’s words that are gifts. Then I told her that her words rose up in my belly and there was a lump in my throat and tears brimming over. Because of her words, and even though Steph isn’t sitting right here, she’s sitting right here. And she has become my friend, a real friend and she helped me. Today, with her words. And then I said something blah on Twitter and then Lee popped up, her big smile lifting up my heart, and she wanted to know “wazzup sister?” and with her I know that means she really cares, and then I missed her voice so I think I’ll go call her.
I am not desperate for friends. I love my friends and I have them both online and off. There are just times in life that are lonely no matter what you have, and that’s the beauty of inspiration being only a click away. Even when you already have a lot of it at home.
{ 38 comments }
I love you.
(I really wanted to say I wub you. So I did.)
and I'm closer than you think.
steph
Lonely times come when everything seems right. So weird. I need my friends so much– I can relate to your feelings.
See you next weekend???
I can relate to this all too well, I really can. I like to call it by the fancy name "ennui." I tell my husband, "I'm suffering from ennui." It sounds funny…but really it's not. I felt this way a lot after we moved from MA to NE — it hurt, that restless loneliness. That knowing you should be doing something good or productive for yourself, but just not being able to get up the gumption to do it.
Know though, that you are not really alone. Not at all. And it will get easier, this new life of yours.
i hear you. and i'm glad you are writing.
I know that feeling of just not having energy to do what needs to be done. Some days just…
you write my heart so well.
i love you, my friend!!
I feel like this was my day exactly.
I feel like those were my words and thoughts except for the little sweety asking if it's tomorrow yet, because oh, friend, I have those thoughts. There are powerhouse nights where I can literally move a sofa around my home alone and change THE WORLD in my home, and there are nights where i look around my living room minutes before I know my husband will be home from work, and notice that I've not eaten in the 5 hours I've been home from work, not done any laundry, not cleaned, not used my wonderful, expensive camera that I WANTED SO BADLY, not made my bed, not doen anything but go use the bathroom, and then, only when absolutely necessary, because I've become my sofa and don't move, just lay in the dark and be alone. I do this more than I don't do it, and it is scary, but normal for me. I get it.
I felt this way too, today, except without the tears. Just blah. Numb. Normally an absolutely perfect and sunny day will boost me at least to the "generally cheery" level. Similarly, I've been riding high and a bit energetic for a few days and I wonder if I just fizzled out. I hope for you, and for me, that tomorrow our insides match the outside (the great outdoors, I mean) and that you'll feel (and I'll feel) connected and energized and satiated by the day that's been given to us.
Thank you so much for this. I often find myself in this space. The past couple of days I have had my mornings completely free and will find that instead of enjoying to leisure of it I turn into a depressed mess. I have had to force myself to physically leave the house to feel better. Again, thank you for your blog. You inspire me so!
Light,
Sadie
I have had way too many of those days since we moved in the fall. It seems like new places take a while to feel comfortable. Of course, it's starting to feel more familiar and I still have those days, so maybe it has nothing to do with a move.
Sounds like a very familiar day. So glad God picked up your heart with the blessings of friendship. :) He's cool like that.
Beautiful post. But then again, aren't all your posts beautiful? I think so. No, I know so.
Yes, ugh. Big change is lonely because no one can feel the discontent/frustration/growing pains but yourself. And you've forsworn the easiest comfort mechanisms and it's still early in the process so there aren't any tangible encouragements yet: lonely.
You put good words on what is hard to express.
I felt lonely today, too. That is all.
"It was a great post" didn't really convey how it bubbled inside of me, too. I read it over and over and over. I felt like those simple words held more weight and significance than most I've read.
I'm glad that I drew you an arrow to some of what you needed today. It reminds me that you never know what your words and actions will mean for someone else.
Oh, yes, friend, I hear you. What a beautiful thing about this community: that it is an organic thing, always there living and breathing regardless of the time of day or night.
I'm so glad that you were able to find the words that you needed.
xo
I hear you loud and clear. I think I sent you a tweet earlier, it's been that kind of a day here. The sad and weepies for no reason. And it's crap. But it's good crap… because I know somewhere someone is feeling the same, and it'll be worked through, and tomorrow will be better.
Hugs :) Wishing I could give you a big one today!
Oh Heather, I sure know how that feels…those blah days when you just cannot do anything no matter what. I chalk it up to hormones and try to give myself a break. I'm glad you found some words (and the beautiful people that go with them) to lift you up.
Love to you!
Yep. I know those empty-feeling, do-nothing, lonely-even-though-I-have-friends kinds of days. It's great, though, to get that lift, to find inspiration a click away, just when we need it.
Oh yes, dearest. Just yes.
Sheesh, yes, I know what you mean about the lonely times. Lonely surrounded by people who love you. Who might even say, 'what's wrong?' and you want to just run away, because who knows what's wrong? Not to put words in your mouth, but that's how I feel. Those times. Those days. Yes.
Oh those days when energy levels are low are when knowing you have a friend or friends can really help. As always you wrote this piece with such emotion and honesty.
I hope tomorrow is a better day, and the day after that too.
You told me that this post was "nothing really" (I believe those were your very words…) You are very wrong in your evaluation my friend. I have soooo many of these bored, out-of-sorts, "twisted" kinda days. The worst ones are the lonely ones where you want companionship but still really want to be alone. I am so liking having you in my life…
I so relate to this. It feels like I give my all and do everything right for one day out of five. The other four find me exhausted and depressed. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I need to pace myself better, or maybe life is just difficult.
It is wonderful to have online friends like you, who can write just what I'm feeling. And then I know I'm understood by somebody, somewhere, and it helps me give my all again tomorrow.
Feeling lonely is certainly a state of mind, not a state of body.
People don't always understand that. And to actually pinpoint it would be an admission that some wouldn't necessarily want to do. Myself included.
And then it hit me….we are the drivers of complication. Which means we're also the police. Be the police tomorrow. :) Wail the sirens and smile.
I started to write a comment that turned into something so long and personal that instead I saved it as a draft on my own blog. Just know that I know what you mean, and I don't know that I am that good at pulling myself out of the loneliness and the only person I see/talk to most of the time is my mother.
I don't "get" Twitter, but this post made me see things a little differently. I'm glad you found some comfort on a lonely day.
I am also one of those people who seems to have tons of energy on one day, and then the next, nothin'. I get so frustrated. ((hugs))
Oh I know those days and you wrote about it so vividly. Love you, friend! Hoping for a get up and go day for you today. I bet you'll be running circles with your boys today!
I have a lot of nothing days myself. I seem to pour out all my energy in spurts, and then…stop. Almost like breathing, some days I'm putting out, and other days I'm holding in.
Hooray for the marvelous inspiration you have at home!
I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I can relate. Just know that you are NOT alone. Hang in there just one day at a time!
I allow myself to feel this way. I allow myself to sit in my house on a perfect day. I allow myself to cry when I need to. I allow myself to be lazy because I can't bring myself to do things.
and it is OKAY to allow yourself those same feelings that are similar but not the same at all.
Yep, time for the old standby that gets ME through days like this: feel how you need to feel and move on, feelings are just feelings, and they will pass. Sending higs your way today.
those days suck,but you found the sliver of light and look at what it grew into!
Enjoy today Heather…it's yours for the taking!
It is tough to be lonely… I hope tomorrow brings you more sunshine.
That photo in itself is inspiration for sure :) Love. it.
I know that feeling. Some days I feel like I am just floating along and not really attached to anything that is really happening. It is an odd feeling.
I'm the same way about having a sit-in-the-sun-go-for-a-run day followed by an I-hate-everything-who-will-take-care-of-me days. It's hard but I'm glad you found some inspiration.
reading your posts in my reader – I forget how much I like you read you!!!!!! boo for me! Hugs sister
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