This is Heather.
She’s not naked. Her dress is strapless. But you knew that.
Yes. Yet another Heather born in the 70’s. Heather is one of my dearest friends, and she was married last weekend. It was a beautiful day full of bluegrass music and sun and friends and family. I love my Heather, and have since elementary school. We’re Heather squared, or The Heathers.
The day before the wedding, I happened upon a new shoppe in the small town in which we live. I opened the door with low expectations. After all, this is rural Minnesota so let’s just say the shopping is…limited.
And then a miracle occurred.
Well, okay. Maybe it wasn’t a miracle. I mean, I don’t even really LIKE shopping much at all. But do you wanna know what I do like? Knowing that all I have to do is go to ONE store and I will love everything and the prices won’t make me ask why I’m supposed to give over my first born, and I might even feel giddy about the purchases I make. Which is not usually something I feel when shopping.
Friends, Miles took this photo, so if you’re wondering if I’m shrinking or if my posture is even worse than it already was, no. I am trying to get myself hunkered down so he can get me in the photo. He’s a good little photographer, but he’s still short.
The dress? $40. The jewelry? $15 for all. Uh huh.
(Before I forget and the Blogging Gods strike me down, I will disclaim you-that’s totally a phrase-and let you know that Lillian’s is not paying me to share this information with you. I just want you to know because I love that place. You can click on the link to see if there’s a location near you.)
Anyway. The dress is my favorite that I’ve ever purchased. Ever.
The reason we came across this fabulous new store is because we were at the outdoor market downtown, and there it was, right there, smiling at me-the Lillian’s sign that led me to my favorite shoppe ever. I’m not just saying that. And also, I must mention the friendly and probably kind of scared of me staff. They rock. (Hi Stacey!)
We went back to the market this week, because we’re smart and we know that it’s there weekly. It wasn’t as much fun at all, though. My boys were hopped up on sugar, which was totally my fault since I fed them sugar. Their ears weren’t working and I brought them into Lillian’s and they kept hiding in and under things. LOVE THAT. (sarcasm) So we went back outside and had more sugar. After that, for some reason, the boys were even crazier and so I said, “Alright then, we’re leaving. If you can’t listen we have to go now.” So I stomped off with them slowly trailing behind. (That way, I could have a really good time calling over my shoulder KEEP WALKING. FOLLOW MOMMY.)
And then the opposite of a miracle happened. Something hit me in the head and I was all, OWWHATWASTHAT? My natural reaction was to put my hand on the spot that was bonked. What I found there surely surprised me.
More bird poop than should ever be found in anyone’s hair, ever, that’s what I found. It was down one side of my head and my pants, and now on my hand. I was stunned speechless.
We got back to the van, after walking another half a block while people slowed to stare at my head, and I started to hurriedly rifle through the perfectly clean and tidy (sarcasm) van for the wipes. I found them. And I used what was left of the package to try to pull poop out of my hair.
Prepare yourself for this next part…
There were worms in it.
Seriously. WHAT KIND OF BIRD WAS THIS? I never saw it, but I know this for sure…it was huge, and it has trouble with digestion.
So there I sat, trying to figure out how to drive while also concentrating on keeping my head tilted to the right to be sure my poop hair didn’t touch my cheek.
I turned to pull out of my parking spot (in which I had parallel parked flawlessly, by.the.way.) and that’s when I saw her, getting out of her car and heading toward the market. I honked, and with tilted head, I called out to her,
MOOOOOMMY!!!! (Okay, I didn’t call her Mommy, I called her Mom…but I really wanted my Mommy.)
And then I did something I’ve never done before. I said the “S” word in front of both my children and my mom. Because friends, that IS what was in my hair and it was a bit traumatizing. So it just came out.
MOM, A BIRD S*#T ON MY HEAD.
She didn’t even scold me or put soap in my mouth. She just cleaned the rest of the poop out and then totally freaked out when I showed her a worm in a wipe.
I love my Mommy.
The End.
Oh P.S. This is what I usually do when the boys have been given too much sugar and it’s raining. Sorry, hardware store people…
{ 54 comments }
I'm crying… sorry to laugh at your expense, but oh. my. goodness!
Thank God for Moms! Aren't you lucky to have run into her at just the right time.
oh…my verification word is "blessu"
Bless you indeed!
Ugh…
I think I just vurped (vomit + burp).
But that dress is the Sh*ts! Love it!
you are such a clever writer! loved the storytelling and the story…though i must admit before commenting i clicked on lillians to see if they had a store here in san diego because i, too, LOVED that dress and the jewelry…i'll have to save a road trip your direction for that but i'm thinking they will expand further west someday…can totally relate with chasing wild ones and bribing them with sugar and then more sugar and talking about "not listening" but i'm not as lucky as you to catch those moments of chasing in a cute photo as my crazies would run out of the store and into the street while i was trying to hold safely onto my camera…still laughing about the s*** word and it being over actual s*** :)
Dying of laughter. For realz. Dying.
And yes – the dress, you – stunning!!
Really swell dress and you look fabulous!
Bird moms clean up after their kids by taking everything in their beaks and taking it for a ride. Usually over an open area. That bomb was likely nest cleanings. No excuse for hitting you. I'd stay away from that area though, it's in her flight plan.
I had totally planned to write about how much I love your dress and jewelry but by the time I got to the bottom of the post I had totally and completely and utterly forgotten about the dress. I mean, what dress? WORMY BIRD POOP!! IN YOUR HAIR!!! And you know the funniest part? I was sitting here reading, imagining the bird poop in *my* hair, and when I got to the part about you keeping your head tilted to the right I realized I was doing exactly the same thing, with the imaginary bird poop in my hair.
Luckily I read the comments, though, and so they reminded me to tell you how fabulous you look with that dress and jewelry. :)
And now I'm going to take a shower and wash my hair three times. {shudder}
oh me oh my. [gasping & wiping tears from eyes] when you're funny, you are really really really freaking funny.
but the bird poop? is gross. it happened to me, but before I had small persons in my life to watch carefully about whether I'd swear or not. because I totally did.
and the dress? IS GORGEOUS!! I would've been suspicious of the price, but I'm glad you weren't because you look fab.
That dress is simply DELICIOUS!! I must have one just like it NOW!
The bird sh!t story? Best one I've read all week! And, I wasn't laughing AT you, I was laughing WITH you!!
Xo
I heart Lillians! And now I must resolve to (lovingly) hate you. Your town stole my town's Lillians. Yes. For reasons beyond my understanding, and maybe a bit of small town politics, they packed up, left and moved to you. Disappointed sigh. At least I still have their legacy of purses in my closet.
And, ohmywordthatisgross. :)
Hi – just stopped by on a recommendation from Kirsten over at NilsenLife. And oh my gosh, am I ever glad I did! You're hysterical and I can't wait to read more. How am I just now finding you?!? (I'm new to this whole blogging thing, so that's how, I guess.)
Would have DIED if worm infested bird poop landed on my head. Thanks for the laugh.
Oh girl that is HILARIOUS. So gross but hooray for mommys!!! They make everything all better :-) And I LOVE your new dress!
A bird, though one without intestinal parasites, pooped on my my grandpas bald head while we were picnicking at the zoo…I am literally still laughing….sorry
And your dress. I LOVE IT! I want one :-)
um, wow. that may be the most awesome blog post ever- i had no idea it was going in that direction!!! brought back memories of a bird pooping in my hair on the quad in high school. (sans worms though!!!!)
ps LOVE taht dress!!!!
I tried not to laugh … I really did … but all I accomplished was to yield a mass exodus of coffee out my nose! Had it been me, I might have cried. Way to handle it with grace and poise – at least as much grace and poise as bird sh*t warrants.
Your dress is fabulous!
Oh my word. Oh my word. I would still be sitting on the sidewalk freaking out. Oh my word. LMBO
Loved this post! The dress is fabulous (I want a Lillian's near me) and you look GORGEOUS! The bird poo on the head has happened to me (albeit without the worm … GAG). Last time I got a headful of bird poo was about 10 minutes after I spent $150 for a haircut, color and blow out. Money well spent.
Oh, gross. You always have the weird stories. Like your underarm hair growing under only one arm. :)
When I was in France during college, someone dumped their bedpan of human diarrhea out of their window right onto my head. It was the most disgusting, sickening, wretched experience of my life.
Bri
P.S. I heart Lillian's too! That's where I purchased all of my rosebud earrings. :)
I want to go shopping there! I love when you find The Dress that makes you happy. Love it!!
Steph
Oh my word.
The thrill of victory to the agony of wormy bird poop in your hair.
What a day. I can't believe the nerve of that BIRD.
But the dress? Divine. I'm off to check for a local Lillian's now.
I am going to tell my friend this story, so she will feel much better about being pooped on, at her wedding reception. Hahaha.
And I love the dress. My post for Monday is actually all about how I wear dresses 85% of the time, and people think I'm weird. They would be right.
So glad you could turn this, not so great moment, into a wonderful post :)
1. Next time I am in the home town I am going to Lillian's. Hook, line, and sinker.
2. Running into your mom when you need poop removed? Small town perk at it's finest!
3. Sometimes your the window, sometimes your the WORM!
#1 That dress plus you is sickeningly beautiful, you gorgeous fox you.
#2 WORMS!
Worms?!? ewwwwww!!! That would have made me cry. I'm sure. Actually that would have made me squeal and then cry. I'm that easily creeped out.
The dress is fun! No frumpy black dress. It is Bright and modern. Rock on with your bad ass self.
Love the dress and what a steal. (I also hate shopping so I need a store that is cheap, cute, and easy to navigate… is that asking too much?)
I too was once shat upon, on a Jamaican beach, by a seagull – massive amount.
As I stood there having my teenage drama, my mother told me that she read somewhere it was good luck.
Mommys rule.
You, in that dress, rocks. I notice there's a Lillians in Boerne – which just happens to be near my in laws. Oh yeah. Finally a good reason to visit :-)
I want Miles to take my picture!
I can't believe a bird shat worms upon your head.
You look totally hot in that dress, though, so it was worth it. Right?
Oh wow. Wow wow wow. What a horribly (yet hilariously) traumatic moment. And the worms – were they wiggling? Please no. Not THAT kind of worms…right?
At least you weren't wearing your new favoritest dress. Those pants can be incinerated.
Um, worms? I think I puked in my mouth a little.
You look beautiful in that dress! I am going to have to check that little store out; I am in need of something to wear that looks like it's from this decade.
You look stunning. And if there is anyone who can rock the bird poop look, it might just be you.
I am in love with that dress! You look fabulous, or perhaps I should that IT looks fabulous on YOU. That's it, I obviously have to come down there to shop because they only decent store in this town would've charged five times as much (and I wish I were exaggerating).
That must've been one sick bird. Yuck! Sorry that happened to you. Way to make it a funny part of a blog post instead of letting it ruin your day completely. =) You rock like that.
Ew,ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh god, it had worms in it? I would have died.
You do look fantastic in the dress though. I would love to get my hands on one just like it. It's just my style.
Ew,ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh god, it had worms in it? I would have died.
You do look fantastic in the dress though. I would love to get my hands on one just like it. It's just my style.
Ew,ew, ew, ew, ew. Oh god, it had worms in it? I would have died.
You do look fantastic in the dress though. I would love to get my hands on one just like it. It's just my style.
love, LOVE the dress!!
ok, the bird poop made me laugh….until you got to the part about the worms…..ICK!!!! That completely grossed me out and I may even have nightmares over it, thanks.
:) btw, how many times did you wash your hair?!
I love your dress. In fact – I want one for myself. So lovely.
But the bird story? Horrifies me. Seriously – I will probably dream about that tonight…
The dress is beautiful! Maybe I should plan a trip out there to shop, I've had no luck here. Although I'm not fond of poop attacking birds, so maybe not.
I can't believe the luck (?) that bird had. Your poor hair. LOL
You are adorable. Scoliosis and all. Love love the dress!
Tell Heather S. congrats. And when you said "There she was" when referring to your mom, my first thought was "She located the bird!" I was sure you were going to return the favor to the bird, worm and all. But alas, still a sweet story to read, not so much fun to have happen to you.
PS: Check your email. I emailed you about Asher's picture in paper.
That is just too gross and funny. :)
You are drop-dead in that dress. So cute!
And the bird poop thing? Yuck!
There are no words to describe the vomit-infused horror that is in my head right now.
That's just gross.
…but, on a lighter note, that dress is the BOMB!!!
Worms? Really? …gag…
The dress, which by the way suits you so perfectly, really!, almost makes up for the horror of this. OMG!! You are a better woman than I because the words that would have passed my lips would have been, shall we say, ahem, far more colourful.
I am so sorry to laugh at your misfortune. But you had me in stitches girl. Seriously.
I hope I never get to tell a story like that.
Ha ha ha!!!
I like your blog !!Thank you. They are really great .
do not miss my goods , they are very beautiful !!
Fashion watches
Discount watches
Antique pocket watches
Engraved pocket watches
Oh I would have gagged…gaaaah! Sorry, but you looked beautiful in that dress! Good choice…sobriety suits you my friend!
LOVE the dress!! But oh the rest of the post is TOO funny! I think that fascinating things happen to you so you can have such an interesting blog :)
I am dying laughing, I can't help it! WORMS!
A seagull crapped on my face and down the front of my dress at my first wedding. It was definitely a sign.
Also, LOVE the dress and jewelry. I hate shopping, but if I get something that I love for a good price, I'm all about it.
xo.
I might have just wet myself reading this post…
I mean…sorry about all that but my LAWD – I'm laughing –
can I ask….was the poo HOT? Because one time – a bird shit on me and it was HOT…
I kid you not –
OH MY WORD – what a day! But that dress and necklace are so worth it! GORGEOUS on you!! :) (And sad, no Lillians near me. )
You look Gorgeous in that dress – excellent find!
And yes, I have several friends named Heather, including YOU! :)
And the bird poo, well that's just HIGHLY unfortunate. So glad you Mommy was there to help. ;)
Oh My Word. Your story made me laugh SO HARD, I am so glad my husband wasn't home b/c he would've thought I was crazy. :) SO funny. and gross. And also I can see my kids acting the EXACT same way in the store (well, my son, really, my daughter is only 6 months). :)
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