these are merely helpful suggestions…

{This post was written in the spirit of Letters From a Nut by Ted L. Nancy. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, there’s a small chance this could still be funny. This was written one night in the hotel room while at BlogHer, when Ellie and I were at our giddiest. You’re welcome.}

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Dear Blogging Conference,

Tandem Tweeting

We admit it’s a little awkward for bloggers to communicate in person, but as you can see, that can be remedied. So we share this picture with you as a suggestion for future attendees. Side-by-side tweeting gets all that strange eye contact and body language stuff out of the picture. It’s more comfortable, you know? Especially if you can swing it on a plush hotel bed–make it a double!

@HeatheroftheEO – Me 2
@onecraftyellie – remember that one time when I danced at the sparklecorn party?

@onecraftyellie – Oh. Just a second. I’m going to tweet @maggiedammit & @annsrants to see if they remember

@onecraftyellie – stop tweeting me. I’m trying to tweet @maggiedammit & @annsrants to see if they liked my dancing.

Anyway. We would also like to apologize on behalf of ourselves and all the other attendees. We realize that our feet bled all over the hotel sheets while we were sleeping and you probably had to pay for that. But it was inevitable really. I mean, if you pack 7 pairs of high heels and put them on feet that don’t recognize such shoes, you get what you asked for–goiter blisters within 5 minutes. So about those stains–may we suggest those wipes that are supposed to remove stains, the ones that were in a swag bag? Maybe those will work on the sheets? Just a thought.

Speaking of thoughts. We have some really good ones! We love community keynotes. There’s nothing like hearing the actual voice (as in audible, not figurative) of our fellow bloggers. The posts that were read were moving and sometimes heart-wrenching and then sometimes funny. So we thought it might be cool if the blogger’s name and their blog and twitter handle could be written up on the screen the whole time they talk. We are bloggers. We are somewhat creative. Which means we are scattered and we forget things like names really quickly, especially when overstimulated. Thank you.

(To clarify–we don’t mean that you should write on the big screens with a sharpie or something. We mean you could project the words to the screen from an overhead or something of that nature.)

Also. Could you tell the hotel employee who was checking badges at lunch on Saturday that I (Heather) should not have had to take my name badge out of my lanyard thingy to prove I could eat there? He had me take my attendee name badge out from behind the CLEAR plastic, and then he inspected it like an airport security person does. Do I look threatening? It got wrinkled from trying to get it out and I don’t like wrinkled things (especially noses, for the record). Thanks!

Next up: Let’s talk elevators. There was something terribly frustrating about the elevator system. Tell the hotel we don’t know why the elevators hated us. I’m pretty sure we could have gotten more swag had we not spent half the day waiting for elevators and then being surprised to find ourselves in the opposite corner of the hotel when we would step off, far away from our intended destination, in chafing heels.

We have another idea. Maybe next year you could create some kind of really large sign (this time, with a sharpie!) that explains what blogging is to all the other hotel guests. It’s terribly exhausting to feel so misunderstood while explaining over and over.

Like this:

Blogger: It’s a blogging conference.

Awkward. We’ve seen sharpies change the course of history before. We’re pretty sure it can happen again. You’re welcome.

Oh. One more last thing. When blogging events are in big cities (and they usually are, let’s just be honest) every attendee should be given some sort of portable GPS, maybe as swag?!? We saw many bloggers standing on street corners looking up and around with confused expressions while wearing little black dresses and heels…you can see where we’re going with this. Getting lost=walking a long ways=bloody heels and toes=stained sheets.

Sincerely,