I’ve been trying to write a post for days. Days I tell you!
The problem I’m having is that there’s not enough time. And when I have a moment, in short doses, I read what I’ve written so far and I think too hard about it while I’m sitting there not really being able to think at all. I can’t write like I used to when sleep-deprived because my head is too fuzzy and confused all the time.
I’ll be back.
That’s what I wanted to say to Asher the other night when I tucked him in. He sounded sad and sweet at the same time when he said, Have a good day with your baby, Mommy.
It was night, but I knew what he meant. He knew I needed to go be with his almost always crying sister in the other room and it broke my heart, the way he said that. We’re adjusting. Of course. We will be for a long time. We’ll be okay but for right now it’s hard to be okay.
It hurts to have someone so small that you love so much crying so much. And I thought (all silly like) that maybe this time there wouldn’t be so much crying…but lately, there just is. I love her so much, you know that, no matter what and always. And still this is very hard.
So I wanted to tell Asher that I miss him and that I’ll be back. I do. I miss both of my boys because right now, this is all struggle and so I’m distant. Disconnected. Unable.
I’m trying like treading water and you know how that is–sooner or later, you just can’t pump your arms and legs anymore. But if you’re going to make it anywhere, or keep your head above water, you just have to. You just have to keep going.That’s what mothers do especially in the trenchy-est of times…we just keep going, strength coming from the core of us even after we’re all emptied out.
That’s all I can say for right now. Elsie is waking up from a nap and she’s hungry and my boys want to tell me about their Legos and they want pretzels.
I hope this quick disjointed note finds you well, friends. I’m okay…while I’m not okay, like my dear Ellie said so well–a person can be okay and not okay at the same time. (Not that I’m saying that this is as hard as her loss…I just relate. Big time.)
I’ll be back.
{ 24 comments }
Oh, I remember a beloved 2-year-old sitting in a living room armchair and watching me on the couch, nursing his 2-week-old baby sister AGAIN. “Mommy still nursing baby?” he asked wistfully. My heart broke into about a million pieces. But he’s okay (now, 8 years later) and so am I. Charming as all get out and very loved…you’re building a beautiful family and your boys are an integral part of it. They just don’t know it right now!
suburbancorrespondent recently posted..Who Needs BBQ?
Oh I know this so well! SO WELL! You will be back, sooner than you expect or are ready for, they grow so fast, too fast!
Melissa recently posted..Time to Rest {Simple Moments, Bigger Picture}
Love you. That is all.
xo
Christine recently posted..Dog days
I remember that time. The okay but not okay. The joy of loving her interwoven with the sick-stomach heartache of not being able to calm her. I’m scared, with this new little one now brewing, that it will be that again. But it will be okay. A new kind of okay.
Kimberly recently posted..Absent
This is such a hard time. It is so damn hard. I remember sitting in the kitchen watching Luke play alone in the sandbox, while I sat and nursed his brother for the millionth time that day. It broke my heart. It still makes a lump rise in my throat, right now just thinking about it.
But these days are short, mama. Hold tight to those boys when you can and remind yourself that it won’t always be like this.
im coming over next week so you can take the boys to DQ. or the park, or anywhere:) Elsie will be ok with me for a couple hours..a time out will help, i think…i hope:)
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…
Oh, how I can relate. But I can say, after 8 weeks, it has gotten better. The baby crying. The guilt with my “big” kid. Slowly, things are leveling out.
You got this, mama.
suzanne @ pretty*swell recently posted..Two. Months. Old.
Thinking of you sweet lady.
Corinne recently posted..The Maine I Know
You can’t be everything to everyone all the time, and they learn that, don’t they? And they don’t even mind it, not really, but it still breaks our hearts a little. I understand.
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..Grammar gone rogue: the star spangled edition
Ugh. I totally know that feeling. But this will pass. It really will. And everyone will be okay. Better than okay. A warm, beautiful, happy family.
the mama bird diaries recently posted..the moody girl i love madly
Slow and steady wins the race, my friend.
Blogging = last priority =)
molly recently posted..it was only a moment
survival mode my dear. Just get through. Like many said up above…this stage will pass. You will get a rhythm and Little Miss E will get her stride in this thing called life and things will flow. Hang in there. Extra hugs for those boys and sleep when you can. It really does go so fast. Thinking of you!
Sarah-fortheloveofnaps recently posted..Good life – because of daddy.
and I will be the old mama who says enjoy now ! :)
this summer, for some reason, with all these girl/women needing to talk and share and show and tell, and the wait up until the wee hours mostly for my son, and the early morning jobs and car issues…
it feels okay and not okay. and I can’t blog or read blogs or poetry or books or take photos.
but it is good. very good. sometimes very good is damn hard.
deb recently posted..because sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason
Ouch… that’s a tough time. I’m still in it, so I feel your pain. But there are bright moments where it seems like everything is “right” again, and I know it will be wonderful and smooth and whole soon. Squeeze those boys when you have a second and know they can stretch this far. They love her too.
Sarah recently posted..Inspired
Yep, it will be okay. And they’ll be okay. And all of you will learn new things about yourselves, about what you can do with and without help, and the ways that that you need each other most. It’s all good lessons. Hard lessons, it’s true, but good lessons.
Steph @ Diapers and Divinity recently posted..Humble pie.
All the good and all the bad and all the in between hitting at once. I get that.
Your head above water, your heart wrapped around those sweet kids…just keep swimming!
Sending love your way.
Tracie recently posted..Sleepless Movie Casting
It’s so very hard. Keep treading. You’re doing a great job!
Melissa recently posted..notes from camp
I find that it’s still the same here … with my girls 8 & 6 saying similar things about all the time and energy I put into their 2 YO brother. he’s busy … and he demands a LOT more attention than they do. Does it ever end?
Jill recently posted..See Ya Soon!
So true about the ‘Okay, but not Okay’ statement. I’m okay and then the sleep deprivation gets to me and i’m not okay at the same time. Maybe it’s just in the cards for my baby to eat every 2 hours for a long time? But it won’t be forever will it?
Just like your situation will not be forever too… it will just feel that way. :)
Hang in there!!! :)
Hang in there Heather…praying for you all. It’s just a season, and your boys won’t remember in the long run…mine don’t. We Mom’s just want to “fix” everything and make everything good for everyone…ALL THE TIME! Just keep being you and do your personal best and let God provide and fill in the spaces for you. Do you remember when you babysat Matthew for me and how colicky he was and cried so much…..I remembered feeling so guilty about him crying, especially going to work…but when I would hand him off to you…he would calm down. I think they sense our tenseness and someone from the “outside” can step in and provide some relief for you and be much calmer overall and it helps you and baby. You were a GOD SEND for us when you babysat the kids and I KNOW that I KNOW that you are a wonderful Mother.
Sometimes the needs of our family are immediate and physical and constant. It is definitely a stage but it’s a rough one to go through. Take care.
tracey recently posted..What Comes Around
Becky Mikkimoto and I were out last night talking about how we just love you–especially for your honesty.
It is so important to be able to say I’m okay and I’m not okay, and I know I will be okay but this is H.A.R.D.
Ann recently posted..I do not come from DIY fireworks people. I come from "Did you hear about the little girl whose hand got blown off" people.
Um, yes. I so get this right now. Sometimes there are just a lot of babies around our houses these days, no? The teeny tiny ones and the slightly bigger yet still tiny ones.
Sending big hugs to you, sweet mama.
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..How Much is Too Much?
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