I shook with sobs, perched with my back to pillows on the bed, holding a swaddled and screaming Elsie. It was 1 a.m. and I’d been pacing and bouncing for six hours. Somewhere in there, I put the boys to bed by calling out brush your teeth and go potty over the cries.
I shouted prayers and they giggled at the absurdity of our…routine.
!!!God bless Miles and Asher and Elsie!!!
Ryan texted from Salem, his plane had landed. My heart dropped; that’s far and long and this is just the start. I want him home. He wants to be home. But alas, the bills must be paid.
The sobbing came with her eyes wide open after so much trying and over my inability to make it stop, to take away her pain, to know what to do.
I am not complaining, in all of these posts. I am simply telling this story. I can know forever and for sure how fast this all goes but right now I am in the slow and it is really very lonely and hard.
I make 4,837 guesses at what might work or why this might be happening. A friend and I talked about how this is one of the hardest parts about motherhood–all the guessing. We can only make our best guesses. Could it be this or this or maybe try that or have you done this–and then we hold our breath, hoping.
A few minutes after 1, the crying stopped and my baby settled more deeply into my chest, her legs and arms relaxing instead of trying to flail. So there I was, afraid to move, my heart and back throbbing. I thought of a cat in a well right then, meowing loudly and scratching at the walls. So I cried again, because sometimes that’s all you can do and it’s like you can’t help but call out for validation or company with tears. See me! Please please please…
a shouted prayer from inside your well, over a sleeping baby.
Only one word. Please. Because I’ve said the serenity prayer so many times I’ve forgotten how it goes, it sounds so strange on my tongue. It has come out my constantly walking feet and up through my arched back. It has bounced through us both and all that’s left is please.
I shout it silently so as not to wake her, and it echoes even though I’m not alone. Because sometimes, after so many days of so much trying, being kept safe and blessed still feels like alone.
:::
Edited to add: I need to write. That’s how I process and deal with my heart and then move on. I really am okay. We’re going to be okay. It’s just that sometimes we’re not and so I write. xoxo
{ 45 comments }
I understand. Sending you as much person as a stranger on the internet can send. These days are hard and you’re doing what you have to do to get through them. Write. Cry. Love. It’s all part of it and you’re doing just fine.
It’s lonely for sure but so many of us have been there. Hang in there. Ask for help too. That’s important.
Andrea from TheTrainToCrazy recently posted..Mr. & Mrs. Crazy and the little Crazies
Bless your heart. Have you tried a baltic amber necklace? They helped a lot with my little ones while they were teething, but I also just read about some one with a little little one (2 weeks old) that the amber seemed to be helping also. He would cry a lot and would not sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time and when she put the necklace on him, he calmed down within 30 minutes and was sleeping well not long after that. Praying – Holly
Holly recently posted..Multitude Monday
Thank you, each of you, for coming by and taking the time to encourage me. It lifts me, it really does. Thank you.
And Holly,
Thank you for the suggestion. I haven’t heard of a baltic amber necklace but of course I’m willing to try ANYTHING. :) So I’ll check it out. Thank you for letting me know!
I feel you on this one. My first born had the Colic like this, with the screaming and the projectile vomiting (he was good– he could go more than six feet), and all the rest. 11:00 pm was always the worst hour, and I would push him against my chest, hoping that he would feel my heartbeat and somehow soothe, crying silently as I rocked him and rocked him in the rocking chair.
And then, it was over, just like that. I hope that yours will be over soon.
Sarah recently posted..Whacked Wednesday: I break one of the ‘don’t speak of’ rules…
i’m sure that you’ll find that so many of us *here* are so much the same. We write to process. and we read to offer a shoulder to cry on &a hand to hold. xoxo, friend.
Jen recently posted..neither here nor there … probably number three if you were keeping track.
I pray this ends soon for you, my dear. And if you’re looking for advice, I have a friend who swears by catnip tea for colicky babies. I never needed to use it b/c my babies (thankfully) didn’t do the colic thing, but she SWEARS it helps a lot. I don’t even know where you would get it . . . but honestly if you want to try it LMK and I’ll find out for you. And if not, that’s okay too. We just keep muddling through, and God gives strength for this moment, right?
Erin recently posted..Tuesday Morning Coffee
I’ve heard about catnip. The day someone told me about it, I had already bought probiotics and colic calm and so I was doing a wait and see thing. Those two things have helped a little, but I’m totally going to add catnip now. Which is ironic with this whole cat in the well thing. heh. :) THANK YOU.
I remember those days, and my son is now 13. I have no idea where the time went!
Please remember to ask for help. I don’t even know you, and I would drop everything to pitch in! I’ll bet members of your AA groups, at least, would love to help. (I just celebrated 8 months) Bless you.
Hi Leslie,
Firstly, congrats on EIGHT MONTHS. That’s awesome. Truly.
And thank you. Yes, I do need to ask for help…and I’m learning and I have actually asked this time. It just takes me too long :)
Peace,
heather
I remember this, from Claira’s colicky stretch. The being okay and not being okay. The confusion of some of the sweetest moments being intermingled with some of the most desperate and tired. I remember walking into the kitchen and bursting into tears because I’d given up so many different foods I didn’t know what I could eat anymore. Soy formula was our answer, and I hope your answer comes soon and sweetly. And I’m glad you have words (and love) to pull you through this.
Kimberly recently posted..Big Hearts Make Little Things Big
Hi you,
Me too. I stand around wondering what I can eat all the time. I remember doing that with Asher too. His colic was worse than Elsie’s so I have THAT perspective at least :)
Thank you for being your encouraging and relating self. xo
We’re here mama. On the other end of the internet or phone if you choose. I’ve walked in those same shoes, but at the time had nowhere to write and no internet support. I remember, no matter how much I knew it would pass (and it did, I promise) some days felt ENDLESS and never-ending and forever. And I remember those clearly as you write, but yet they are all packed away somewhere behind all the good stuff that was to come.
Reach out anytime. I will DM you my cell number and am happy to just listen. You are doing so well, no matter how hard it feels some days. I remember finally taking my then three year old daughter and my screaming son out to eat lunch once when my husband was out of town and the days were running into nights with no reprieve. I hopefully thought maybe the car ride or the noise of the restaurant would somehow soothe him. Alas, he screamed louder than the entire restaurant and all it’s chatting patrons. My daughter ate her pizza and I asked for my salad to go. I still tell him (and her) that story and we laugh at how it was.
Hoping she gets some relief soon and her mama does too. Hugs and love and understanding.
Tricia x
Thank you, Tricia.
I feel the support here and I can’t say how much I appreciate it. xo
I remember those days so well. They were some of my darkest times as I struggled through the helplessness and loneliness of having a newborn and small children to care for. Really, the only way to get past it is to go through it, so just know that there are many praying you through it and walking right beside you in spirit.
I know, and I know. I love you.
Kim recently posted..I’ll Be Back!
You bring back such vivid memories from the time when it was my turn to pat and bounce and cry and love and pray. In the moment, you feel as though you are the only responsible, adult-like person on the planet capable of possessing the strength to get through this trial and you are doing it completely alone. But you are not. You are surrounded by decades and generations of wisdom and tears and love. And it will all be better when the sun rises. It always is. ;0)
My 2nd child (who will turn 5 next week) had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad colic. Being okay and not okay all at once, in some ways. Knowing that I’d done everything and tried everything and oh, yes…the guessing. Exhausted and alone, I remember my grandmother calling me one day. The sweetest, kindest, most gentle human ever on this earth. And she said, “Honey, your mama was the exact same way. You know what I would do? Wrap her up, put her in the cradle and walk down the driveway and back. 9 times outta 10 she was sound asleep when I got back.” My Nana’s driveway was probably at least half-a-mile long. But I got the point. :-) And so I put her in her infant carseat, put it in the crib and went outside. And lo-and-behold, when I came back in she was asleep. Sometimes the best thing I could do for her was to take me out of the equation. And for me and my attachment parenting personality? That was so very difficult. But it worked for us. Praying you find something that works for y’all.
Bridget recently posted..The Haves and The Have Nots
Oh I know and I don’t know. E didn’t have colic, but even now we still have times where she is crying, fighting sleep and I shush, rock, soothe, pacify and it’s never enough, and I feel so overwhelmed with her cries, like I’m drowning in them.
I pray you’ll both come up for air. Soon.
Lyz recently posted..Guest Post: 5 Ways Lyz is Like a 2 Year Old
This made me think of when I saw Anne Lamott speak a few months ago. She said that has two prayers that she prays with regularity. They are: “Help.” and “Thank you.”
And to that I say “Amen.”
Sending you and your girl hugs.
I love Anne Lamott (so great that you got to hear her speak!) and I clearly remember reading this in one of her books. (“Help” and “Thank you”) I so often only pray one or the other and think of her. Thank you for reminding me! :)
You are telling yourself the right things, Heather. In those crazy I-want-to-run-away moments. There will always be those minutes, hours, days (months, perhaps?). But as you already know, the clouds will part and the birds will sing again.
(((hugs)))
molly recently posted..longing
Funny how I remember those days so vividly….20 years later. My son, colic, pacing, crying, praying. Funny how I would actually choose to go there again if only to hold him close like that. When he is hurting now, at 20, I want to draw him close in my arms and just hold him….
praying for you, for strength while your husband is gone, for perseverance and for the colic to pass quickly.
((hugs))
Sara Bowyer recently posted..Hands open wide…
Oh, sweet lady. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you feel stuck in the slow. I know there’s nothing I can say that you don’t already know so I’ll just send hugs and love and a wish for a little bit of speeding up the next time you want it.
xo
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..What is it, Exactly, About the F Word?
I so get this. Our third baby was colicky, and yes…it is possible to silently shout from the depth of your soul. Yes. PLEASE.
I also get the “I need to write” postscript. Because I need to write too.
Love you! Hang in there!
charrette recently posted..New links up. (I made them all by myself, just for YOU!)
Oh, my heart ached in remembrance when I read this. Those days when it seemed that the morning would never come and you wondered just exactly how you were going to make it another minute, let alone until the problem was solved.
Many prayers for you.
I hope the writing helps. Wait. I know it does. That’s why you are here doing it.
Thinking of you…
Elaine recently posted..Sibling Sweetness
I have no advice to give, but I do have ears to listen with….hope you both get the rest you need and deserve. Keep writing!
Sherry recently posted..And we have liftoff!
For about 7 months we ran a vacuum cleaner and it was the only way my daughter would sleep. It would paralyze her and she would calm down. In the evening of the first 3 months we would go into the bathroom and turn on a nightlight. For some reason it helped with the evening downers. Good luck and get out of the house!!!
And once again, I relate on every level. Write, friend, when things get dicey and when they don’t. We understand.
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..On amateur photography
I appreciate this post. Really. I have to write as well. It lets me get it out and makes me a better person. I have heard from relatives that I shouldn’t write about that stuff. Yeah, whatever.
liz recently posted..River Bound
I am so, so, so, glad that you have your computer. That you can and do sit to write. The gift that it gives to you. The gift that it gives to others. Well it is nothing less than Grace. You are not alone. You have a community across this world wide web that is here to support you as your words have supported us. I hope that your precious baby does not hurt tonight and that she sleeps.
Loving you both with tears in my eyes.
Ann recently posted..My Stay-At-Home Uterus
My heart is with you.
Kelly recently posted..An eventful July
Aww hon, my heart hurts for you. Dani had the The Colic, and it was terrible, terrible, terrible, and nothing ever worked except adding up the minutes and hours and days until one day (was it at 6 months or 5 or 7?) I realized she wasn’t crying as much and she was (gasp) smiling and cooing. The day will come. It will. Until then, know that you aren’t alone. Know that this slow warped crying speed will soon turn into a wide-smiled sprint.
“Know that this slow warped crying speed will soon turn into a wide-smiled sprint.” I love that analogy. Of course. I love your analogies.
I keep thinking of how it took Asher MONTHS to stop (sounds like it did for Dani too) and I’m all “how about faster this time?” :) It’s only fair, RIGHT? RIGHT?
heh.
Writing things out heals.
I so remember feeling this way when the triplets were babies.
(Hugs)
Jen recently posted..A Difficult Day at Work
Jen–I keep thinking of you! (and others with multiples) (And I think of single parents while Ryan travels.) I can’t imagine literally juggling more than one crying baby. I just can’t. You’re a total rock star in my book. xoxo
I love that you write when you need to shout it out. We are all here, listening.
Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) recently posted..My Summer Vacation
Heather, yes. The guessing! I remember speaking in circles with my husband about the maybes and the whys and how to fixes. Colic is just…awful, but it does end. (Yes, it really does.) (Yes I know you want to punch people who say that it ends. At least *I* did when my son had colic.)
I just want to come over and hold your crying baby and let you take a break.
You are doing an amazing job, lady.
Praying for you, mama. <3
Sharone @ Zizzivivizz recently posted..unpretending
Keep writing. Don’t apologize for feelings. Complaining does not make you less grateful for what you know is a blessing. I hope it gets better soon.
nicole recently posted..Begging to be Shared
Heather, you will get through this. I feel for you.
My son had colic. I don’t know if that is what Elsie has, but I wanted to let you know about a couple of things that helped. I bought one of those large, exercise balls that you use for pilates. I sat and bounced my son on it. It helped tremendously. Somehow, walking around bouncing him hadn’t helped. But, sitting with him on my shoulder or in my lap, and bouncing on the ball made a huge difference. The 2nd thing was an all natural product called “Gripe Water”. You can google it. It has no alcohol in it. I would use a few drops directly in his mouth when he would have one of those episodes. It also instantly stops hiccups – amazing and a bit freaky how fast. :) You can find the Gripe Water at Whole Foods or another Health Food Store.
Sending hugs!
JCK (Motherscribe) recently posted..JCK gets Jiggy with the DMV
I totally understand your situation. If you feel the need to let it all out please do so! Keeping it all in will do nobody any good. Keep going, keep writing! You can overcome this!
Diana recently posted..How to Do Reiki on Youself
I hope these early days without your hubby pass quickly and you guys settle into a routine that works for you. Take care!
Comments on this entry are closed.