I felt myself going numb, shutting down, the thing I do with too much stress. I was driving the kids to school, and Miles had started a kitchen fire and we all smelled so much like a kitchen fire. Thank God nothing horrible happened, somehow he stayed calm and threw water on the fire. I was upstairs. What if, what if, what if….
I turned the radio up because it was U2 and also, I just didn’t want anyone to talk and talk and talk. I just couldn’t.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being so dramatic. Like I can see myself in the song after the U2 song, like I’m in the video, with the sad and romantic lyrics and I’m so affected, seeking, philosophizing,
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
I think that was part of drinking for me. It turned everything into MORE. More giddy, more sad, more philosophical. I played the part in the video with such flare back then.
Now, the song plays and I see the video in my head for a moment and then I just kind of roll my eyes. Life is not like that even if I’m a over-thinking, over-feeling writer-type. Things are dramatic enough all on their own. And when they’re not? OhGoodGriefThankGod.
I used to want to live in either extreme all the time just to be sure not to be too bored. Oh God, just let me FEEL ALIVE. But feeling alive is not dramatizing, it is simply choosing to see, to stay open…to refrain from numbing out and going down while the smoke rises up. It is real. Dramatizing is not real, it’s all frill and extras and over-acting and overreacting. It’s not the truth.
What I see now are lifelines and they are there so we can feel fully alive. Like how I didn’t get in the shower this morning, breaking routine, and instead got my kids out of the house when I heard the commotion of the fire. I mean, that’s not a normal occurrence, of course, but in the middle of the highs and lows, whatever they are, there are lifelines.
I had woken up earlier than normal and started texting with Vikki and it pulled me though this isolated parenting morning with an extra bit of excitement tossed in for good fire measure. Ryan is gone for work and there are people out there that make me laugh and get me and connect with me at all hours and that’s good. As long as I am still sitting with friends in person, which I am, then all of these ways of communicating can be so good. The text and the Tweet Tweet. LIKE. Send. Share.
Now I sit in a coffee shop, waiting for the fire cleaning up guy to call and I smell really bad. Vikki said I have my own scent for a fragrance now. It’s called Smoke and Olive Oil. (Don’t ask, my son’s ingredients included olive oil.)
Lifeline #2 – latte
Lifeline #3- picking up traveling husband at 3:30pm