The boys went to the neighbor’s house to play at the same time that Elsie fell asleep. At a (very rare) time like this I try to decide what I’m going to get done. I start by throwing in a load of laundry and then today, I randomly dusted two rooms. Then I ate a peanut butter and chocolate Christmas tree and packed away a few ornaments. All of this took less than a half an hour and so I sit down expecting time to write.
Now I hear Elsie starting to chatter baby chatter from her crib. So I’m typing as fast as I can before the chatter turns to cries. First the garbled adorable chatter, then the fussing, then the crying. I usually show up somewhere in between.
Lately I’m living in more acceptance of this stage of parenting. Sure, it helps that Elsie isn’t crying anymore but I don’t think that’s the only difference because there is absolutely nothing smooth and routine about having three kids. I get it now, what mothers of three were trying to say to prepare me. I wish I could put it into words, but I can’t. It’s this mysterious force, the number three. I suppose every number of children has its own set of unexpected life-changing dynamics. I only know three and its chaos. It is a beautiful mess.
Accepting all of that doesn’t mean that it isn’t frustrating sometimes. It’s frustrating to almost never have any of your own head space and very few breaks. It’s just that I know now, more than ever before, that I was made for these small people and even more, they were made for me–to grow me up. So I should let them, before time slips away like it does so quickly. There is something about all of this that is making me feel in a season of hunkering down, hibernating, folding in and tucking away. Maybe it’s the winter or maybe it’s a natural season of my mothering years, I don’t know.
Whatever it is and no matter why it’s here, I’m happy. I’m happy to be folded and tucked away with these three small people.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this overall acceptance is firmly grounded in allowing myself to be me. Imperfect, sometimes too quick-tempered, sometimes sad and lonely, sometimes just plain tired. Me. After all, how can they teach me what they are here to teach me if I’m so busy trying not to fail? That’s distracting. Lately, I’m paying more attention to who they are right now and less attention to scrutinizing myself and who I am right now. This is how they teach me, by turning into all they were meant to be and then I follow. I do the same and it’s more fluid and natural than I could ever force it to be.
I guess what I’m saying is that I know like never before that being their messy mother is a miracle. It seems pretty much everything starts with a mess and enters into a miracle.
I usually show up somewhere in between.
Find
{ 18 comments }
Thank you for this post. When I remember to focus on who they are, I feel the same way, except, I only have two.
You are such an amazing writer. Your words are thoughts I didn’t realize I had.
christine recently posted..Let her eat cake
One of my resolutions that I have just started, is reading peoples new posts when they post them ( on twitter) and I am so glad I started with yours :) SO beautifully written, and just another affirmation that we moms, will always have at least one common bond, the deepest love for our babes!! ( a long with craziness, finding our true selves, doing dishes laundry AND clean the bathroom..GASP durning one nap ;)
Loved it!!
Design Thoughts~Kim recently posted..A Pinterest Inspired DIY mirror..Finally COMPLETE!
So very, very true. I have two boys, older than yours are now. I spend my free moments in the evening balanced between laundry and dishes and work and myself. I am always amazed by the miracles– that the things that need to get done eventually get done and the people we need to be are the people that we become. This feeling that you describe– finding out who they are and worrying less about who you are– it never completely goes away, I think. I still have it now– although I do think I’ve found a balance. I get the best of both. I watch them grow and change and mature. I watch myself grow and change and mature.
Sarah recently posted..Merry Little Christmas
Gah, I messed up my html up there. Someone delete it, please!
And, yes, I agree with you. You find the space to get things done by surrendering to the imperfection of it all. And it is a beautiful time that goes by all too quickly.
suburbancorrespondent recently posted..My Favorite Tweets of 2011
Heather! You did it again! Perfect words to thoughts I have, but never find. “Lately, I’m paying more attention to who they are right now and less attention to scrutinizing myself and who I am right now.” — I need to do more of that. Thank you :)
Jamie recently posted..Sweet Dream
I’ve been living in that place of messy miracles lately, and just starting to really open my eyes and appreciate how beautiful it is. Your words reminded me to slow down, accept, and open my eyes a little wider. That is a precious thing.
Tracie recently posted..The Magic Room
I know that one of the things that as helped me with most with Josie is accepting who she is, where she is. I quit my job, you know, because she NEEDS me in a way my other ones never did (that isn’t the only reason, but the motivating factor), and it is so frustrating and hard to be the ONLY one she wants or needs-and it is better now that I am not working in terms of her incessant crying but it is still so hard. Still, this is who she is, and accepting that has made it so much more rewarding for me.
The life-changing messy stuff? I am not so good at that. My ego told me that adding another child to the mix would be, really, easy-others are at great ages, I have done this before four times, blah blah, but….humbling. It’s all just so humbling.
Kori recently posted..And so
Lovely post. Accepting the mess is hard to do, but a necessary step in my opinion to finding that peaceful space admist the chaos that is parenting. Thanks for the great words as usual.
Peg recently posted..12 Drummers Drumming
I think I have had all these thoughts, or have them right now, but could never write about them the way you have. I completely understand, or as completely as I can, since I’m not actually you and can’t perfectly understand, but you know what I mean, yes? Anyway, I will just say me too.
nicole recently posted..Merry Christmas 2011
Beauty. This is why I always wanted 3–I thought it would make me a better mom in terms of learning to let go.
Ann recently posted..Holiday Yoga: Straw That Broke The Camel’s Backbend
I think I lost my mind in between the couch cushions but need to start showing up more in all the other in betweens, too. It is so weird and difficult and lovely.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..Small Style: Hand-Knit Cape with Vintage Buttons
I love my beautiful mess, too. And I love sharing this kind of mess with you. xo
Galit Breen recently posted..Kissing Wonder
Beautiful post! I can relate to trying to accept my own imperfections – especially losing my temper.
I love the little baby gurgles when they first wake up – sometimes – just sometimes they even fall back asleep.
This is so so true! When my three year old plops himself on my lap and will. NOT. MOVE. This is a time for me to enjoy and not try to rush! When my five year old (I can’t believe she is five!) is making my 1 year old cry, it’s okay. That’s what is supposed to happen!
Gianna recently posted..Ten Reasons I am Glad It’s the Day AFTER Christmas
Great post… something I think all us mom’s need to hear. :)
Lyryn recently posted..Christmas 2011
My number three did that for me, too. It is a hard transition – we’re still figuring out our way. It’s all bit too much and yet God shows up in the in-between, even me. Loved this, heather. Thank you.
Sarah@EmergingMummy recently posted..In which these are the favourite posts of 2011 – yours and mine
Simply getting out of our own minds, and watching who they are, is one of my very favorite things to do. How selfish we are to constantly critique and worry over ourselves, isn’t it? We’re guilty, as human beings, but still….remembering it’s bigger than us, and that we have the responsibility to grow as a unit makes a family real. Loved, thank you.
Tooje recently posted..Funny Faces Friday
I have found myself, over the past year, realizing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, not wanting time to speed up or reverse. Such a great place to be isn’t it?
Jessica recently posted..Looking Back at 2011
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