You know that rumbly sound of slurping the last of your drink through a straw?I can’t decide if I love or hate that sound.Maybe I should decide to like it because it’s a satisfying sound of finishing, being sure to get every last drop of something tasty. And maybe I should hate it because it’s a belchy kind of irritating satisfying sound. I feel this way about sobriety. Some days I’m absolutely in love with its satisfaction, and other days (ahem, yesterday) I hate the itchy irritation of it. When I was drinking I was trying to take the edge off. What I’m learning is that it wasn’t working, not at all. My edges are more rounded now than when I was pouring glass after glass night after night. I’m softer and lighter and different. The thing is, sober or not, alcoholic or not, life is covered in itchy irritation. So when I’m […]
The last time I drove byit hurtto think back on her,on menot so long agobut so long ago I came that way againturning my eyes to the laketo see the changesthe new housesthe remodelsthe spaces wherecabins once stood In came a hundredmemoriesof a twenty-somethingparty girlwho lived on the great wide andgreen lake What would she ask me?I thoughtWhat would she want to knowabout who she would become,who she would be becoming? You’ll be okayI’d tell her,then. now.but you are taking a terriblylong wayto okay.It’s starting nowand you knowbut you don’t know You will have a new lifewhile you’re still both youand a wife and a momand you will feel like bothand carry too muchof the now with youthen The pit of your stomachmay never forget thisversion of yourself,brokenby yourself,and not yourselfby he and themand her and him But your heartwill start to heallong from now,the nowon the lake,and you will seesomehowin the blue […]
Numero Uno:Trust me. If you live near me, you want to come to the multiple-fabulous-women garage sale that I’m a part of this Saturday. Seriously. If I happened upon this sale instead of schlepping my own lovelies in it, I would FREAK. Email me for details if you’re interested. P.S. The hard thing about garage sales is that marking your things is a lot of work. But you knew that. Numero Dos:Ellie (gosh, I love that woman) sent me my sobriety necklace a number of days ago and I wear it every day. I’m in love with it. And the one day I did forget to wear it, Miles said, Oh Mommy, you forgot to put that necklace on you that reminds you to not drink wine. Oh my heart. (Yes, my 4 (almost 5) year old knows about my wine issue-in terms he can understand, of course.) Numero Tres:I was asked to […]
A fellow Minnesota blogger, Missy the Marketing Mama, is doing a health and wellness series on her blog with all kinds of information on varying topics. Today’s topic is motherhood and addiction, and when Missy asked me to share my story, I was happy to do it and I’ll tell you why in a sec. If you’ve wondered at all about what my drinking was like (as in, the details) and what happened to get me to stop, I’m over at Missy’s place today sharing the specifics of my story. Please know that I agreed to do this because I think Missy is doing an amazing thing with this educational series, not because I want you to sit riveted in front of my sad addiction story. Actually, I don’t. I hesitated before saying yes for that very reason. I don’t want this to be about me. I wanted to do this because it’s […]
I had to take deep breaths and put my head down, waiting for it to pass. I could feel it coming, the panic. The need. I thought about how I need to be stronger to handle this. I can’t do this, I thought. Who am I doing this for? I think I’d be drinking if I wasn’t worried about what people think. Ugh that’s awful, I thought of me. You’re so selfish, I said to me. You would drink even though you have these two boys who are being so good to you and this husband who patiently understands you. Really? Who are you doing this for if not for them and you and God? And you’re not. You’re doing this because you said you would and you don’t even want this. In that moment I hated me. And I put my head down and I was gasping for air and I just […]
I finished Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller on Friday. Then on Saturday I went to pick up his latest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. As Anne Lamott says, “I love Donald Miller. He’s a man after my own heart.” I’m going to have to paraphrase a line from Blue Like Jazz because I’ve already given my copy of the book to a friend. There is no more powerful drug than the addiction to self. (Sorry, Don. I probably butchered that. That line I’m remembering was probably more poetic and profound and probably hilarious, because that’s just you.) Anyway. Of course I thought of this line on Saturday when there I was, with myself taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror for myself’s profile pictures on the world wide web. Ouch. The thing is, I wasn’t taking those pictures because I think I’m hot. Actually, it’s more that I […]
I Carry You~originally posted on June 31, 2009 I look down and my hand is doing that thing,it’s resting on my lap in a curve. Dad, your hand was just this same way today, I saw it.It was sitting there resting exactly like this. Just like Grandpa. The same hand in the same spot. Curved just so, fingertips to leg.The lanky fingers that grow thicker with time,they curve on the lap and rest. I do it too and it’s just like the unconscious way I run my finger across my lip like Grandpa Glenn when I’m nervous. Or how I grab the bottom of my shirt and rub my thumb across the fabric, like Grandma Helen. It’s the way I care like Aunt Elsie and understand like Grandma Colleen. It’s the way I laugh like Aunt Sandi and cry like Auntie Kay. Today I’m thankful that I carry you, all of you. My […]
This really is a whole new life and it feels both wrong and right to write that. It started with the quitting of the drinking and it just snowballs and snowballs and sometimes I feel like I’m just rolling downhill with it, completely out of control. I’m gone five nights a week to learn how to get a handle on this sobriety thing and that’s good and that’s hard. It feels both wrong and right. It feels busy and overwhelming and yet I know it’s right. I’m reading little booklets given to me by my chemical dependency counselor with titles like, Intimacy and Understanding Emotions. Identity. Trust. Insecurity. When I’m reading, it all seems so obvious, but I’ve never really let the knowledge of how to live these things get from my head to my heart. It’s overwhelming too, and you guessed it, it feels both wrong and right. In her book Drinking: […]
I found the post below sitting quietly in my drafts. I had completely forgotten it. I wrote it before we moved and before I quit drinking. I came across it today and realized that I must have known then. I knew I was going to quit drinking. It was coming. I had no idea, really and I didn’t believe that I could. But I knew. Written on December 20th, 2010 – exactly one month before: Maybe she’s not even a version of me. It’s more like there’s a piling up of these things that I’ve practiced being until they’ve covered up the real me. I still have a lot of rubble to rifle through, and yet, I’m finally hopeful. Maybe it’s the new chapter in our lives opening up, a move to a new place, a fresh start. The things I still struggle with, like we all do, seem smaller. I’m threatening to […]
A person in love with wine like me asked how I’m doing this,this not drinking,HOW? How did you break up with her? How do you hit 3 o’clock in your day and not have 5 o’clock to look forward to?HOW? The truth is, most of the timeI have no idea.Yes, I talk about a new calmpeacesurrenderbeing present, and that’s all true. But that peace and calm comes without getting to take the edge offand that is hard work, yes.My life, like anyone’s lifeis filled with angst and questionsand hurt andyesterday was filled withpoop and barfand whiningand disappointmentsand sadnessand snotty nosesand we need groceriesand there’s always someone climbing on me. But I don’t know. I guess sobriety teaches you that you have no other choice. I guess it’s like anything else you have to do. You just do it. You simply don’t go to the liquor store. When thoughts, when wine knocks on the […]
I was thinking about everything, the fact that I found myself in the vice grip of alcoholism, and the fact that quitting is good and hard at the same time. I was thinking about remorse and regret and redemption. It is all so big. And then I just set it down. All the thinking, like a stone I’d been lugging around. kerplunk. There is no figuring it all out in one day, I said to me. So I played myself a song and I sat with it. Just sat with it. The next thing I knew my arms were above my head and I was dancing a bad 80’s dance right here all by myself, stomping and even spinning. I shook it and I sang louder and louder and I didn’t care about anything. It wasn’t until the song was done that I thought even one insecure thought like, This must look […]
Ellie said something recently about addiction and motherhood that I’d like to share because it helped me so much:“I look at it this way, now: I didn’t know how to love that fiercely. It made me so afraid … afraid I would screw it up, afraid something would happen to them, afraid I could never measure up enough for these two beautiful souls. And for so long, what did I do when I was afraid? I drank. So I was hiding from the fear. I heard, over and over, when I was first getting sober: How could you do that? Don’t you love your kids enough to NOT do that? The answer was that I loved them so much I didn’t know what to do. I thought, perversely, I was doing them a favor by erasing myself from the picture a little at a time. Only in sobriety can I accept myself and […]
“Sometimes grace works like water wings when you feel you are sinking.” – Anne Lamott Reflection Support Wisdom Surrender Humor “It’s incredibly touching when someone who seems so hopeless finds a few inches of light to stand in and makes everything work as well as possible. All of us lurch and fall, sit in the dirt, are helped to our feet, keep moving, feel like idiots, lose our balance, gain it, help others get back on their feet, and keep going… These are the words I want on my gravestone: that I was a helper, and that I danced.” – from Grace(Eventually) by Anne Lamott Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
I was thinking about me and the way I’ve been livingand I was struck with this awful thought. Motherhood did not change me for the better. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe motherhoodand it’s repetitive sameness and overwhelming emotionssent me spinning and I choseto cope with that in damaging ways… That may be the hard truthbut there’s another one,a truth in the moments I have been clinging to all along. No. Motherhood didn’t change mein the ways that I hoped it would, but… my boys sure are. They are my teachers of joy and kindness,my little mentors on how to love. And that, is what I’m going to choose to think about.These beautiful boys are changing me with who they are,even when motherhood is not and until it does. ~~~~~~~ Mothers are coping everywhere and not talking about it. What I wrote above is not implying that my boys are the reason I drank, but […]
Courage me. I say that like I’m at the bar, beer me! What is it, this courage? Maybe if it’s been given to me, I should know. But I don’t. Am I called courageous because I quit drinking? Let me be honest. I don’t feel very courageous. I feel foreign, like I’m learning the customs of a new culture. I’m swinging up here in the corner of the room, watching myself walk around in a fog, not drinking. I said that in an email to someone still stuck in her web of addiction and feeling so ashamed in comparison to those of us who have quit. I told her that I’ve only gotten as far from the middle as to dangle from my corner perch, watching myself, this strange person who can’t figure out how to be. That’s where I am, just hanging there like a spider needing her prey, wanting it, poised […]
I sat in the waiting room and looked around. I can’t describe the emotions of waiting your turn to see the chemical dependency counselor. I can’t find words to explain how I felt ridiculous. How I nearly burst out laughing because for eight years before I was a mom, I sat in chairs just like the one I was sitting on, but I was on the other side of it. I was a social worker, accompanying my clients to appointments just like this one. I was just like that put-together young lady across from me, reading her Twilight book and waiting for her client to come out of her meeting with the psychiatrist. I was her, standing up to meet and encourage my client, making sure we got a prescription refill, thoughts of what was next in my day planner on my mind. And then I watched as she, me, carefully helped this […]
Seven days ago, these glasses meant only one thing. Wine. Today they still mean wine. But they also simply look like really cool empty glasses.Shapes and colors. These small shifts happen, they say, with time. Sooner or later these glasses will not trigger a craving. With time. One day at a time. My feelings are shifting like wind, moment by moment some days, hour by hour other days. I’ve never been good with waiting. I like to skip ahead, pass up the hard part, let’s move along now. Stop feeling stop feeling stop feeling… That just can’t be the case this time. This is just too big. So looking at those glasses today gave me hope, the way they were so kindly showing me that they look a little like something other than wine, even though they still mean wine, for now. And strangely, yesterday’s blustery wind also came bringing me hope. It […]
She dances and dances a funny little two year old jig, trying trying trying to get her Daddy to laugh. He sits staring around her at the TV, his elbow on the armrest, finger under his chin, no smile turning up the corners of his mouth. He just can’t. She wiggles and hops, brown curls bouncing to her heart’s desperate attempt to fix him, to make him laugh, if only she could dance long enough. He lifts his hand for his glass and the ice makes that familiar sound as it bounces like she does. He gulps and stares past her. It’s not cute. It’s not fair. It’s not her job, but her huge little heart makes her keep dancing. Because she wants to fix it, she wants to pull him out when all he can do is look in. She wants to be seen, really seen. Not with a glance away from […]
from this one place I can’t see very far/in this one moment I’m square in the dark* I don’t know how to do this. Just quit. I don’t know how and haven’t been able to. I don’t even know how it happened. But it did. Even to me, the girl who is always fine because other people are not fine. It’s this disease that forgot to skip me. It laughed at my always trying to be good and please everyone self and kicked my stubborn pride in the guts. It laughed. And then it kicked harder and harder. I’ve always tried to be a bit invisible. Felt a little invisible. Even while bouncing and laughing and showing off. Even then. Keep it simple. Keep it small. No one has time for your always so overly sensitive self, always so affected, so full of emotion. Just stop. Go numb. You’ll be fine. So the […]
