hands now

July 14, 2011

Now my hands have found a small back to land on

and one of them is always working hard on air bubbles, like morse code; tap-tap-tap, I tell that air up and out, you don’t belong.

Now my hands are gently rubbing up and down a tiny spine,

wondering how the terrain can be so small for now.

I smell her head (of course) and I reach to move my hair in case it might be in her eyes or nose or mouth. She is up on my shoulder and moving my hair reminds me that I haven’t lately or slowly moved my hand around her small head, brushing soft little wisps of her hair into lines. So I do. I move my hand around and around this soft and tiny noggin and I breathe her in.

I want to write pure and profound words about her existence and I want everyone in the world to read them, to know her. I want to take a million pictures and share at least half of them with all those same people. But then, the words flow through me and land somewhere else in the absence of time and it’s rare that I find my way around the house to where the camera has been most recently misplaced.

So now I am simply here, sharing less than my heart has to offer but enough.

Now my baby is crying a lot and I wish I could help. I want magic hands. I know this all will pass so fast, too fast, and I know that sometimes I just can’t fix it. Only time fixes so many things.

I struggle for acceptance because I want the crying to stop trying to steal these days from us. They are already too few.

So when she sleeps I watch her breathe. I watch her eyelashes grow because I’m pretty sure they grow just that fast. I rest my hand on her tiny foot and I wonder at her and I call her The Bumper Grumper or Bop.

My hands are his and his and his and hers. They are worn from years of tapping out a morse code or making or washing. From all the doing. They have created and they create. They write to tell and they give.

 

These hands are mine.

{ 27 comments }

Abram July 14, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Poetic and beautiful! Im sure you are a great mom! :)

Jen July 14, 2011 at 6:32 pm

“my hands are his and his and his and hers.” Oh how I love that.
Jen recently posted..neither here nor there … probably number three if you were keeping track.

Sara Bowyer July 14, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Love this! as I read your words “tap tap tap” it took me back to when I knew that morse code….seems like forever ago.
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Kelly Roselle July 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm

I came to your blog from Stephanie Precourt’s recent link from Adventures in Babywearing. Every post I’ve read from you since then has made me cry and smile and feel broken and fixed all at the same time. My son’s newborn-hood was so like what you describe with your precious Elsie. I thought I was the only one. And it’s making me cry as I type this, because I thought I was doing everything wrong, and why was my son so unsatisfied all the time? and, and, and …
I’ve carried so much guilt.

Since beginning to read your story here, I’ve come to just a little more prayer and peace concerning all those days. Thank you SO much more than I can say for sharing it. It has helped to heal my heart a little. To me, that is monumental.

On top of all that wonderful stuff, your writing has made me feel so much more inspired than I have been in years. Thank you for that too.

Biggest, most wonderful blessings to you and yours!

Heather July 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Hi Kelly,
Thank you for saying this. It made my day. really. This is what I love about blogging. Thank you.

Kelly Roselle July 15, 2011 at 10:09 am

I’m glad to have made your day a little brighter, since you’ve done the same for me!

Thank you for visiting my little blog as well :)
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Keyona July 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Love love love this. ;)
Keyona recently posted..So Now He’s 1

Christine July 14, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Sweet heaven this is gorgeous woman.
Christine recently posted..What is time to a mother?

Kim July 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm

there are no words, because you just spoke all the words of my heart.
Kim recently posted..Letters to my Babies

Ann July 14, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Wow. That entire last paragraph is GORGEOUS.
Ann recently posted..Jesus respects me at a distance this I know

Liz July 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Sweet and precious.

robin July 14, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Oh that picture brings back memories…the baby days go by so fast.

Katherine @ Postpartum Progress July 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Beautiful, as usual. Your post takes me back to when my son had colic. The crying, oh the crying. I had no idea what to do to stop it and it made me feel so ineffectual and full of lousy-motherness. Except it had nothing to do with me or him, it just was. And then it was over. And he’s almost 10 and my sweet monkey boy. I so get it.
Katherine @ Postpartum Progress recently posted..News Roundup: Postpartum Depression & Eating Disorders, Pregnancy Depression & Its Impact on Babies

designhermomma July 14, 2011 at 9:09 pm

oh, thinking and praying for sad baby, and that the crying fades quickly.
designhermomma recently posted..An interview with birdie, at the start of her year four.

Selena & Anna July 14, 2011 at 9:09 pm

so beautiful… you are a wonderful writer! We are nurses… and every year they come around and bless our hands, because we give care and love from our precious hands to all of our patients in the hospital… People think it’s cheesy…. but, I am always touched by it… I think we need to start a movement to bless all of us {as mother’s} hands… we do so much with them, you would think we had 10! Glad I popped back over to you blog from your tweet… I have been here before and loved everything you wrote before… Have a wonderful evening.. hope she sleeps more and cries a little or not at all! {Hugs}

molly July 14, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Very sweet!
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Alexis July 14, 2011 at 9:31 pm

I look at my big three year old boy, and I look at the newborn photos, and I can’t believe they’re the same person and that only three years (three years already!) are between them.

Beautiful. Thank you for this post.
Alexis recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Grand Day Out

Lea G July 14, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Very sweet and poetic! I wanna do something like this for my beautiful boys also. It’s very touching and inspiring for moms like me.
Lea G recently posted..Period pain comics: it’s break time!

Roxane B. Salonen July 15, 2011 at 12:34 am

Congrats on your sweet daughter!!! :)

Heather July 15, 2011 at 7:40 am

Thank you, Roxane!

Shona July 15, 2011 at 2:14 am

“So now I am simply here, sharing less than my heart has to offer but enough.”
Oh, definitely enough to convey to us, your readers, how beautiful and moving and fulfilling and tearing and awful and short and sensual and complete and yet not enough … and the list goes on.. that this life of motherhood is. Your words are beautiful and moving and I shall continue to rest here a moment on the days you post to take them all in. They touch me. Through them I see you, and through them I see more of me. Thank you for sharing in such an open and loving way.

Heather July 15, 2011 at 7:41 am

“and through them I see more of me.”
I really love that. Thank you for saying that, Shona.

Angie July 15, 2011 at 7:46 am

Your hands are full of lovely things. Your hands have written what your heart holds.

Your hands are beautiful…
Angie recently posted..His Glory. Our Final Good.

Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) July 15, 2011 at 8:18 am

Whoa. Beautiful.
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tracey July 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Lovely…
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tracy July 15, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Your writing. Sigh.

Hugs to you. My 3rd was a crier. Everyone said #3 is such a breeze. NOT!
xoxo
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Angel July 20, 2011 at 9:34 am

My kids are so grown now.. my heart is heavy. I miss this more then I can ever articulate. There is something about a baby that can bring life into focus.. this is so beautiful
Angel recently posted..52 weeks of Happiness.. finding his way home

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