Just Write {188}

I have at least one new idea every day, a creative flow of light bulbs dancing behind my eyes. Some are fleeting thoughts and some stick around like breath. I have no good way of knowing for certain which ideas are the best to pursue, or how to find the time to pursue them.

Life has not allowed for pursuing anything other than the time to change a load of laundry, and jumping in the good ol’ minivan for the next thing, mostly medical things, and we keep going past the time for ideas.

I have learned to be okay with this. The time will come. It will.

On this particular morning, the house is buzzing with the sound of the furnace, sadly, in May. It got cold last night. I fought the good fight, to keep the furnace off and I lost. That actually meant I won because I stopped shivering.

Our guinea pig, Butterscotch, is scratching around in her cage. Morning light is kissing everything, even me. The morning light is always such an aggressive lover.

Over the weekend, the kids and I hid from rain a lot. It rained almost constantly, and at one point, the clouds broke and the sun poured through with its stubborn love and we took off for a walk. Our intention was to pick up garbage along the sidewalks around town, and we did. It was sometimes gross and terribly hard work if you ask my small children, but we ended up enjoying our rain-free time. And just like that, after we got back in the house, the dark clouds rolled in again and it poured and I could not explain properly to Elsie why I said “like cats and dogs”.

There was a part of me that wished we would have gotten caught in the deluge. That we might have come home drenched and laughing, and then always remember that day we picked up what Elsie calls “garbage that is about to become litter” and then it poured and we were soaked.

Mother Nature gets the job of making us feel alive like that. That’s why I love her.

But instead we came in the house dry, and the boys built an extra home for Butterscotch out of Legos, complete with a dispenser for food, with a lever. They blow my mind. And Elsie seemed too tired again, sick, struggling. She showed the signs of a sinus infection and I called yesterday and her doctor said, Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. So her heart procedure was put off again and that’s hard to wait to take care of, but it’s best.

It felt like a reprieve honestly because things are hard to figure out with Asher’s hydrocephalus right now too. An MRI showed that his ventricles are bigger, which could mean a shunt malfunction, which could be dangerous. So he is on a medication to reduce the pressure, and then we take him off the medication to see if the pressure builds again. If it does, it would be evidence that his valve (shunt) is just not working right. So we wait and see now, and we can take one thing at a time.

I work. I work a lot, rarely a moment to write for myself or sit, really. This is not a complaint, I am clinging to acceptance. But yes, I’m tired. I’m a tired mother filled with angst one moment, and nothing but hope the next.

Basically, I’m normal.

Mostly.

I try to balance it out, to strike out the angst, anxiety and fear with gratitude like a sword. I find that this is not hard to do, if I simply focus on my children, the sweeping sunlight, Lego food dispensers and, well, even crooked selfie smiles found while scrolling through old photos…that’s my boy.

Peace.

This is the 188th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {New here? Please see the details.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. (Then link back to this post in your Just Write post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?