My friend Casey has done some extraordinary things for us. She sends messages that make me laugh, talks baby with me over email and coordinates great big surprises in which she asks our friends we’ve come to know through blogging to shower me with all the baby things we didn’t have. I am so grateful. Thank you, Huckleberry and friends.
This morning I sent these words to Casey:
“It’s funny, the difference a new morning with some sleep on top can make. Elsie slept in 2.5-3 hour increments last night. That’s like…FOREVER.
She is a happy baby, actually. We’re doing really really well–knockonwood. I mean, breastfeeding, healing, etc…it’s all going really well. Of course, sleep deprivation adds to the emotion of it all, but even that is okay…just okay. I’ve been working on a post about the emotional side of the newborn life. How I grieve the old life even though I’m NOT at all regretful. Even though I’m crazy in love with this new little foreigner that I’ve always known. That sort of thing. It does really really crazy things to my heart and I cry a lot. I cry because my boys seem so so big all of the sudden and because our routine, what there was of one, is just…over. Our ease of life, the fluidity we had found is just an echo now and I’m the kind of person that grieves that really hard. I miss the Us from Before even while I revel in the New Us.
It’s just an adjustment and it always gets better. During it, I cry.”
{taking the boys to meet Elsie for the first time}
It’s not just that our family had hit our stride, walked through the physically demanding infant and toddler years and come out on the other side. No, it’s much more. A family becomes one living, breathing thing, with people parts that make it what it is. Adding to that is so beautiful, but also like an upsetting earthquake that rattles and splits the ground and leaves nothing but grace and goodness in its wake. All these new shifts, movements of life and the new needs of the people in our home, are felt deeply by me. This is simply a natural response to letting go of the known unit, my hands sliding along the wall, grasping for stability while the floor rocks us into new positions.
Already, this feels good. It feels right. She is ours. Elsie. Elsie. Elsie.
Before we know it, after we rise above the waves of sleep deprivation, life will take on a whole new rounded out family shape. It will fit us just perfectly. It already does. It can be hard to feel that, in the midst of very little sleep, pain from healing and juggling the feelings and needs of our boys. We are in the engulfed phase, just days after coming home and we are up and down and up and down and changing and changing again and navigating and trying, grasping.
This time, I see so clearly how fast it all will go, how the ground will shimmy to a halt. So I revel in it, the good and the hard, and I’ve never been so happy, even while I cry.
{ 44 comments }
sob, weep, cry, cry, cry.
Just that picture of her made me cry.
I kinda wish we’d had another.
Cecily recently posted..Birthday Party Anxiety- Fear of Judging Parents
Oh girl! Can I relate! Sometimes i just cry just to cry and i don’t even know why. Oooh I rhymed. :) I love my new life, but I cry too because everything i once knew is so different. But I wouldn’t change a thing.
Good job Elsie sleeping more… Everett is still doing 2.5-3 and I would give ANYTHING for a 4 hour nap!!!
P.S. ELSIE IS GORGEOUS!!!!!!
Sabrina recently posted..1 Month
It’s such a huge change, that first one. I remember that with Miles SO clearly.
I can’t wait to meet your Everett. We have to introduce them early you know :)
And yes, a FOUR HOUR stretch of sleep? HEAVEN….that will be heaven…and I promise, it will happen :)
xoxo
O LOVE. LOVE. Gorgeous.
Weeping.
You and your family are beautiful Heather. Just beautiful.
Jo
She is so beautiful.
After a while you will look back and wonder how your family every lived without her. Each day I am thankful for my third…the one I wasn’t sure I’d have. He’s a gift. His arrival took some time to adjust too, because my girls were 4 and nearly 7 when he was born. He was missing before and I didn’t even realize it.
Issa recently posted..Same- same- same
Elsie is so beautiful. I really mean that. I look at babies in whole new way now. Three of my own didn’t make me as awestruck as our granddaughter, who was supposed to be Elsie’s age but decided to quake 5 weeks early (and well). I just teared up when I saw her picture and it made my arms ache to hold our grand, grand baby. To smell her. To dutch-rub her head. Bless you Heather. Keeping you in my prayers. This gets even grander.
Candy recently posted..Snickers Goes Home
I how this resonates. It’s how it was with Claira. It’s how it will be with our next if we happen to be so blessed as to welcome another. The world rocks. Shaken to our core. And then we find out new fit. Oh yes. So much wonder. So much fear. And somehow they blend together and become joy.
Kimberly recently posted..More
Elsie is the coolest name ever. I keep saying it over and over. Elsie. Elsie. Elsie.
OHmommy recently posted..Not a Bummer Summer
Oh, Mama. Welcome to the third. Yes to everything you said. She’ll shake things up, make everything brighter, and grow up faster than you ever thought possible. And you’ll ENJOY enjoy enjoy so so so much. Congratulations. My heart is so very happy for you!
Jen @ Momalom recently posted..Reading life
Sitting here crying with you. The rocking of earthquakes is unsettling in it’s ferocity, yet mind-blowing in it’s beauty. I sit with my hubby post-cancer and ask him, “How? How will I ever get used to this new normal? To life being not what it used to be?” And he tells me the beauty of living each day, each dream and living it well, because our normal is always changing. I’m so thankful God has our days written in His book. :)
Loving your sweet girl from the East Coast… and you, too.
Angie recently posted..We are Ready!
Long time reader,first time commenter.
Your post brought big, giant tears to my eyes. It is actually the eve of my daughter’s first birthday as I write this. My boys were 6 and 4 when we brought her home from the hospital a year ago. I SO know what you are talking about.
I spent the first two weeks of my daughters life in tears and afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I had disrupted our neat little family of four. We were taking real RELAXING vacations for crying out loud. I could bring a book to the pool and READ it. We could all go skiing together. What was I thinking going right back into the “all hands on deck” years??
But now a year later, its perfect. My family couldn’t be more perfect. Those boys ADORE their sister. Like she hung the moon. Her dad feels the same. And she and I have a very special connection that I hope endures her teenage years. Our lives would simply not be complete without her. And the way that she fits in and holds her own with those boys – its blissful to watch. Blissful.
We’ve developed a routine and there’s a bit more shuffling to get home for naps and bedtime, etc. But it works. And now that we are on our third baby, we really know how fast this will all pass. In no time all five of us will be kickin it poolside with our respective books.
Congratulations. In a couple of months you will hear all three of you kids laughing together in the back seat. And the tears will start all over again (shoot, now mine are going again!)
KT,
Thank you! We’ve got really similar kid-spacing and experiences for sure. And it feels good to hear from someone a little ahead, who felt the same way and is now living that “New Normal.”
“kickin it poolside with our respective books.” YES. It will be here before we know it. It will.
I remember Seth and Amelia asking why I was crying so much right after Elliott was born. I cried SO much this time. And you’re right..it is the settling of a new person, TONS of hormones, joy, grief, pain, ecstasy all at the same time.
Love you, love her.
Kim recently posted..And He Is 7
We could/should be friends! LOL – I (and I believe many other moms) have felt the words you put to “pen” today. You just posessed the ability to explain the feeling very very well. After having 5 and knowing I will have no more I get sad at least once a day about something I know I won’t ever get back. Whether it’s washing out a bottle, finally disposing of the last bags of breastmilk that we never finished using, folding small clothes, or checking on my almost 2 yr old at least twice a night (yes… still…) I get sad.
BUT – because of these emotions I let other stuff go more easily. As I washed my patio door today for the first time in a month (or more) I realized my sister would be appalled at the fingerprints. It was downright dirty. She’d never let her door look like this. Most people without kids wouldn’t. But I do. And funny enough – when I’m 80, I will sit in my rocking chair and truly WISH myself back to the day of the fingerprints.
Because – really… that’s what matters you know. It’s all about the moments we’ll want back when we’re 80.
Cathy recently posted..Randomness
Oh how I love what you’ve said here. SO true. Thank you. That last sentence is something that I’ll hold onto and repeat to myself. Because I fully believe it too and need to be reminded of it often :)
I know exactly how you feel… only with 2 kids instead. I cried… with joy and with sorrow. I told my husband I don’t DO well with change and it’s a really good thing pregnancies are 9 months long! I love the new family, but part of me mourns the loss of that old one too. I wouldn’t go back, but I loved it and I have a difficult time letting go.
And Elsie is beautiful.
Sarah recently posted..Inspired
I said the same thing to Ryan, Sarah. On the way home from the hospital, while I cried. I was just overwhelmed with thoughts of how it had all been and of the unknown and with love for Elsie. It’s so much GOOD and it’s hard too, it just is. Thank you for getting it.
She’s a beauty, and what a way to rock one’s world. Life is full of those little earthquakes, you know? All the time, and for such different reasons and just when ‘normal’ feels so, well…. normal, along comes new normal. Then you get to that point where you can’t imagine how you lived before this new normal came along.
I love that photo of you and the family from behind, moving along a quiet hallway to your new existence, to the place where the shift begins and the ground moves and you say ‘Here it comes, and I’m so ready.’
So many congratulations, Mama of three.
Kate recently posted..wordless wednesday- natural style
Thank you, Kate.
Yes. Life is so full of little earthquakes. All the time. I’m learning how to stay planted on my feet at least a little while they shake things up. And when I don’t, I learn the most…so I suppose that’s okay too. :)
Love you, sweetheart. And that face, gah! Can she be any cuter??
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted..Dear Salespeople Youve Been Warned
Oh, I know! I always mourned the loss of the old normal and it always felt as if we’d never make it to a new normal. But we did – every time…
suburbancorrespondent recently posted..Respite
EGATS! My youngest is 15 months already and I still cry! Joyous, of course, in awe in how they all became my children. Everytime things seem to be in the zone, something else pops up….can’t wait to see what the next adventure is! :0) Congrats again!
Jodi recently posted..Dark Girls
BEEEEE BEEEEE,
Beautiful…all of it. Love, sister.
That’s it! You’ve nailed it exactly! Enjoy the ‘babymoon’.
Lovely pictures!
Ginny recently posted..Pondering Child Sponsorship
Heather you have such a gift of clarity. Wow. Just wow wow wow.
What a beautiful life.
Ann recently posted..Workshops I will not be leading
Heather – you have such a gift with words. I can feel the emotion behind them – take care special lady – enjoy the moment!
I can totally relate. I look at my life now…5 months into this 3 kiddo thing…and I wonder why I didn’t find more peace with the rhythm that we had…what was so hard. And yet, I know we will catch the beat one of these days and I already have moments where I forget what it was like before Miss Sydney was born. It is change…and crying is so good …it gets it out…it is cleansing. Wishing you peace as you find your new stride.
I was not alone in my mission. In fact I couldn’t have done any of it without those other ladies or you being so wonderful.
Vivi too has come into our lives and just nestled down in all those empty places that I didn’t even know existed.
My guess is Vivi and Elsie were tight in the preexistence.
Adore. You.
moosh in indy. recently posted..breast bottle heart
Now you have me playing Tori while I do the dishes… *Maybe she’s pieces of you you’ve never seen… *
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..the monkeybird
Just wait love, she’ll be running around at 20 months old and bossing YOU around before you know it. At least that is what has happened to me. ;) Love ya. Cry and adjust all you need to, it’s a big change but so worth it ALL. xoxo
Elaine recently posted..Hes Home!
That Elsie picture makes me tear up and smile huge all at the same time.
Definitely the most precious thing I have seen online all day.
Tracie recently posted..The Only Kiss
I love the way you write. This is perfectly put. Sometimes I think having another baby would kill me, since I am on the home stretch with my two little guys. Diapers are phasing out. But then, I see that little girl face out there somewhere, that I have always wanted. And I yearn. Continuously. Even though I am old.
liz recently posted..Parenting Redux
This was a beautiful and HONEST post. Thank you for that.
and p.s. her face? Seriously? How do you not put that whole thing in your mouth? Love her.
Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) recently posted..A Night At The Orchestra
I burst out laughing. I do kinda want to put that whole face in my mouth! nomnomnom…
I also love YOUR face off.
Miss you.
xo
You could not have said it more perfectly, thank you. Our little Liam was born june 3rd and I struggle to answer the question, “how are you doing/ how is it going?” You, however, found the words.
There’s no going back, momma.
Girls bring the thunder, you will never be the same. (I love her, she’s adorbs.)
xx-Z
She’s beautiful! And it’s always a transition adding a new little life into the one you were just getting comfortable in… then again, are we ever really comfortable? Looking back we always say, “That was so easy!” or, “Remember when we thought that was hard!” But in the midst of it, it could have been Incredible, Traumatic, Exhilarating, Scary, etc… The beauty is you all get to experience it together and that’s the best part about families.
“The beauty is you get to experience it together and that’s the best part about families.”
YES. I love that. Thank you.
So I’m reading this, and I’m singing Tori Amos in my head and just thinking about how beautiful your words and thoughts are, though there is stress and moving of the earth beneath your feet. And I’m just thinking about how your words, how they make me feel much like I do when I hear that song — just welling with emotion and life. I’m glad there is joy that overarches some of the pangs of sadness. I’m glad you’re feeling the joy.
Hyacynth recently posted..Everyday Life- Equipped
Thank you, lady. Yes, I am definitely feeling joy. So much of it. This little girl is a joy capsule :)
I am so so late to congratulate you on your amazing acorn. Have been swaddled in my own newborn world, rocked by my own exquisite earthquake. Anyway… I’m thrilled for you and your family and right here with you – awash in tears and gratitude and awareness that this, this good and hard time, will pass too quickly. xoxo
PS – She is just gorgeous
Beautiful, just beautiful, this thing we call mommyhood.
Jenn recently posted..Busy as a Bee
I love the photo of Elsie with her pink blanket and the pink words on the side: “The EO”. This warms my motherhood heart that is also just ME. You have, in one photo, found the fabulous way to blend your career and your family in one pink swath. And you get to cry because it’s so beautiful and lovely. You’ve brought your whole world together, sista.
I’m crying with you I’m so happy for you.
Could she be any cuter?
I understand your heart.
Hang in there!
Marisa recently posted..I Do Believe….
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