Messes of Mine

Posted on Saturday~March 21, 2009

A friend I’ve had for over ten years mailed me some pictures from back when we first met. I fanned through memories of another time, another Heather. One who is much the same as the current version, but also entirely different.

In those pictures I saw a trip Up North, one I’d nearly forgotten. And then I flipped to some photos of a vacation to Mexico, one I’ll always remember. And even more flashbacks of our daily adventures as servers at Don Pablo’s, ones that included the beautiful smiles of friends made and kept, and some who’ve moved on or away.

My heart aches when I see pictures from years ago. I wish I could hold tightly to all those people, to keep the memories fresh. To never forget what I learned.

My friends and I, we look so different now than we did then. It all goes by so fast.

I don’t remember thinking I was all that young at the time. But I was embarking on life, one that held no classes, papers, exams or even pop quizzes. I went walking away from higher education with absolutely no idea what choices to make or exactly how I wanted to live.

So I floundered, spun circles, looked ahead at a completely empty canvas and had no idea where to find the right brush, the pencils, the charcoal, the paints. No, I didn’t even know what kind of an artist I wanted to become.

And now I look at those pictures and I see how young I was. And the girl I am now realizes I would have given me more of a break, told myself to take my time. I would have said, “it’s just fine that you don’t know.”

Please don’t think there’s something wrong with you. Because then you’ll act like there’s something wrong with you even though there’s not, and you can’t take those mistakes made out of insecurity back. You can’t start over. Hey! Stop it! You’re going to make a mess of your canvas! Walk away from that brush, it’s not working, it’s bristles are bent, you deserve a better one. Get a better one! Don’t just take any old project you’re offered just because you think that’s all you can get! You’re an artist. A woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. Stop living like you have no value!

You are!…Worthy. Lovely. Beautiful. Smart. Young.

Yes, I wish I could tell her that.

The funny thing is, I doubt she would have listened. Some people just need to learn through living, through floundering, through mistakes. And sometimes that makes the canvas a big ol‘ mess.

A beautiful mess.

Splatters of the bright red of a broken heart, and then an even deeper red of another love lost. A thousand shades of blue dropped carelessly, tears for the losses and the pain. The slashes of black, the shame and anger. Purples and greens thrown in circles, so many circles of error.

So my heart hurts when I look at the Heather in these pictures.

But not because I regret her.

I understand her. She is with me now, forcing the artist in me to see the canvas differently, as a clean slate.

A mother. A wife. Full of experiences that bring me clarity and a way of loving that wouldn’t be there without the messy works of art I’ve created. The ones that have been redeemed, pulled from the muck, brushed off and hung in the light.

A light that makes them look perfect even in the face of all of their imperfections.

The pieces that could have been hidden in a pile of rubbled shame, they hang on the walls of my heart and they change the beat. They keep it’s rhythm, pounding and pumping, growing stronger and making me more unconditional than I would have ever been.

Mistakes. Messes.
They bring the chance to,
Accept.
See.
Understand.
Forgive.
Tolerate.
Know.
Love.

Because I’ve lived the messy life.

And I’m still worthy. Loved. Forgiven. Known. Accepted. Beautiful.
And so are you.
Always an artist with a clean slate.

Grace.

Some works of my past art I’ve left behind, made a choice to walk away.
Others will always be a part of my life’s portfolio. I love them.
The smears, the smudges and the splatters. They are me. They are mine.
They are memories, friendships, love and life.

Grace, making any canvas beautiful.

So to the Heather of then: It’s going to be alright. No matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter what you decide… All of it really does work together, keeping you good. Always good. In the end you’ll become the mother, the wife, the friend, the daughter, and the sister you’ve always wanted to be…and you’ll still make messes, but they too will one day be beautiful. You’ll look back and see how young you were now. You’ll see the messes, and maybe you’ll even want to hold them close.