Sunday ~ October 25, 2009
Asher and I were on our way to pick up Miles from preschool. It was raining but not snowing or too cold and yet a car started spinning in circles across the freeway in front of us. It seemed to be floating across all the lanes while the driver tried to regain control and slow down.
You know how when something like that happens, about a million things go through your head, from how you’re going to somehow not hit the circling car, to what you’re going to do to make sure you hit them on your side and not your child’s side, to oh dear we’re going to die and I was not nice at all to Ryan this morning?
Yeah, I was doing that, because it was really close. Thankfully, we missed each other by a few feet, and then…silence. Perfect silence.
It was the kind of close call that left me sitting for a moment on the shoulder, cars flying past us while I regained my composure. I was shaking so that my foot didn’t want to drive and I started to cry. I couldn’t help it, the stress came out my eyes.
The panic of the moment and the stress of having our house on the market and ten showings in eights days. Of cleaning constantly and trying to stop the big messes from happening all day, every day. The pressure to feel like we’re doing the right thing even though I really have no idea and it’s a really big deal. It built up and came out my eyes.
To be honest, our life feels really out of control lately, in many ways, moving or not. These things are driving me to spin with my thoughts, our days out of control, emotional upheaval, stress, disconnection, impatience, stress…It’s as if I must think of everything to make sure we don’t crash, to cover all our bases…seat belts buckled, air bags on…think think think.
Spinning.
It’s hard when there’s no time to come to a stop and sit in silence, regaining your composure, breathing, praying and sitting still. But sometimes there’s no time for it. So for now, to be honest, I’m showing up to school late, limping with my broken foot, hair all wonky and still shaking from a near miss on the highway. I’ve got make up under my eyes from the releasing of stress and I’m stumbling over my words. I appear a bit not okay, and I don’t like it.
But just in time, there are reprieves, little glimmers of safety and light at just the right moments. Like when I was driving my boys to a Halloween party and they fell asleep. I drove aimlessly to let them escape all the cleaning and getting out of the house we’ve been doing, all the stress from grown-up things that make no sense to them. Then I got a phone call from a dear old friend, telling me that she’s engaged and I heard joy in her voice and couldn’t stop smiling after we hung up, the happy coming out my eyes. I drove along and couldn’t get enough of all the fall colors, and then I noticed it…the silence. Perfect silence.
So we drove and we rested and we weren’t spinning quite so fast. I looked in the rear view mirror at peaceful faces and thought about these moments of mercy, ones that bring me back to peace, a gasp of air, before the spinning starts again.
~~~~~
P.S. Two more bright spots in this week:
1) I got to talk to Lee for a long time, and once again she encouraged me to take a compliment and believe in myself, and then made me laugh. Friendship totally rocks.
2) This post by Sarah at Momalom. A-MA-ZING. I really do have “a very wealthy life.”
{ 45 comments }
Silence, peace and no spinning sound great to me!!!
Life and get so crazy, I love it when things just slow down!
Enjoy.
Scary! I've been the one spinning on the highway before (it was raining hard and a car cut in front of me, so I stupidly hit the brakes), watching other cars dodging me and going through the same types of thoughts.
And yes, we're spinning in life here, too. I wish I knew how to make it stop!
It's GOOD to let it out. Otherwise it stifles and grows and comes out in worse, sometimes painful ways.
Man, you need a break. I wish for you a massage, or a night out with your husband or girlfriends or something.
Just the tiniest vacation.
Yikes! So glad to hear that you & the other car actually missed each other on the freeway! I can totally relate to the types of things you wrote here. When life is going so fast like that it's hard to lose your center. HEY, If you need somewhere to go during the day when you're house is showing, you can come to my house. We can set the children building forts in the living room or something, and you don't need to clean up! ;)
I'm so glad you're all okay, I know how scared you were. I know you're going through so much. Love on those boys to ground yourself. Much love and positivity to you, sweet lady. Off to go read the post you recommended.
((((Hugs)))) to you Heather. Be still and know… ;) Your boys are simply precious.
Those spinning moments can be terrifying. I'm so glad you are all alright!
I guess those out of control moments really help us appreciate the 'silence'…
Showing a house while kids are living in it is so stressful! Our house was on the market 3 days; if it had been any longer, I would have been in the loony bin.
People don't realize that when the road is really wet and you are going over 40 mph, your car is actually hydroplaning on top of the water. All someone has to do is try slamming on their brakes and things can get very out-of-control.
I've had that happen before- I was riding in the car with a friend when our car just started floating, it seemed, and glided across the road (we were on a bridge!) and turned us completely in the opposite direction. We just sat there with our mouths wide open- no time to react. No idea what just happened.
So yeah- a lot like my life right now, too…
Steph
I'm just so very glad y'all are okay. And that you didn't almost kill Santa. Because two of us doing that would be one too many.
How very frightening that must have been for you. I understand the need for silence–for peace. I find myself aimless in that kind of spinning and want to shut down. Then I thank God for the moments of stillness and brace myself with that grace.
There sure is an awful lot of spinning between those moments of silence. I suppose it's during those times when we are truly growing and learning.
Beautifully said and written. I am so glad you were okay. Life does get craay; I hope your house is able to sell soon.
I feel like I've been spinning, too, of late.
So glad you are okay.
Your post was beautifully written. Thank you.
You get to me every time. My oldest is always telling me to take 3 deep breaths (when I am stressing) and relax. Makes me want to hit when he first tells me this…but he's right. :)
I'm so glad you are safe and sound and I admire how you see the silver lining in the things going on around you. The keeping the house clean for the showings…gah.
Oh yeah, although I've never spoken to her, I know that Lee is amazing. It's wonderful to have a friend like that in your life. Especially the friends who make you laugh!
This was wonderful, if only to know that most of us are not alone :) You're very good at that!
Hang in there Heather – I'm glad you're alright even during all the crazy spinning…
You've done it again! Written an amazing post! You have got talent girl!
So glad you are alright. Just hang on tight the spinning will slow eventually.
This was a great post. I so understand. And you are right, great friends totally rock!
I know you're not looking for advice, but may I nonetheless gently urge you to offload any extraneous activities for the next few weeks? I've been where you are right now, and I'm concerned you're going to head into the holidays already running on empty.
With a move ahead (and they ALWAYS take more out of you then you think they will – trust me on this one) and the special needs of your family, you may find that a "forced time-out", one where you don't care if people think you're flakey or that you've started saying "no" too often, may be what you need to navigate the waters ahead.
No need to spin. Sometimes it's OK to just turn around and go home.
I've been in your seat – there was a car ahead of me on the highway and it was turning circles across all the lanes. I felt a rush of fear and then a sense of control because I was far enough back to stop and keep us safe. The spinning car righted and drove off, but before I could hit the gas pedal I was rear ended.
I suppose the lesson was that feeling in control is a false sense of security and that, really, I was spinning and as out of control on the highway as the original car.
I am glad that you didn't need to be rear ended to learn that.
I'm so glad you all were alright! I will be praying that all will work out with your house, and hope you have a better, less stressful week! :)
You don't look as dishevled as you think. (in fact not at all!) I remember you mentioning they fell asleep on the way to the party…you all three did seem peaceful when you got out of the car…cool :)
I LOVE your new head shot too by the way…who took it? I need a better one. :)
I love the little bits of everyday grace that see us through the tough times. I am glad you found a couple of those moments in the midst of the chaos. And your new picture? It's beautiful!
I'm so glad you are o.k. How very scary! Sometimes all the spinning makes me nauseous. I love the peaceful moments in the midst of all the crazy.
I've certainly done my share of spinning! You describe that out-of-control feeling so well.
And best idea I ever had while our house was on the market? Take the family out of town. Just clean your way right out the door, hand the keys to the realtor, and book a motel an hour away. (Okay, it helped that an hour away meant the BEACH in San Diego!) Hang in there…
I sold my house when my boys were the same age as yours are now. It is one of the craziest times ever.
Hang in there. If at all possible, cut yourself a ton of slack because the incessant cleaning and mess-prevention and stuff does cause one to spin out of control a bit.
My kids seem to have suffered no ill effects from my crazy at that time (grace is amazing) and there was a ton of CRAZY.
May your house sell soonest!
oh, I am so glad you are ok. But I am sorry that your life is feeling so out of control right now. I will be praying for you, friend, that God would provide more of those peaceful, silent moments where you can regroup and refocus.
(((hugs))))
Oh, I definitely know that life-is-spinning-out-of-control feeling. Thank goodness you found a few moments of peace in the midst. That's all we can do sometimes, isn't it? Seek those moments of peace and grace. I know you will find them.
Blessings to you through this crazy time!
Amazingly written…I'm sorry things feel out of control though. That part is no fun and I hope it passes with few marks left behind. Hang in there!
Yet another great post! I hope your house sells quickly because trying to keep it in 'show' condition has GOT to be a ton of pressure when you have kids. Gah!
oh, mama. That is scary. I'm glad you're finding little bits of piece to grab here and there. Even if you can't get off the Gravitron (do you remember that ride? From the fair? You're spinning and spinning, plastered against the wall?), at least take a moment several times a day to consciously relax your jaw and lower your shoulders. Take a couple of deep, slow yoga breaths and it will help. It really will. XO
I can't believe I wrote 'piece'. I meant to say pieces of calm or bits of peace or something, but whatever. So embarrassing. :/
I love your ability to take the things that happen to you and relate them to the more important things in life. It's truly beautiful what you can do.
I hear you on the life spinning out of control. I've felt that way for so long, and I realize it's me, and I don't know how to take control, but I'm really trying to learn.
It is always amazing to me how time seems to stand still at moments like that. I am so thankful that you all are OK! And I'm glad you were cheered up by your friend and her good news.
Oh, my dear – it is so HARD to find the "moments." The tender mercies. I used to keep a journal, and FORCE myself to write down, at the end of the day, three miracles and three things that just made me giggle. Then I could go back and see them whenever I started spinning.
Oh, and when we sold our house, I declared the garage a free-for all. Anything that was out that SHOULDN'T be when someone came to view the house (assuming they gave me more than 5 minutes of warning!) was chucked into the garage. Our agent assured us that nobody expected the garage to be tidy. "Extra" furniture (as chosen by our agent), random objects…it all went into the garage. We had quite the set up in there!
I'm grateful (but only in retrospect, never DURING) for the spinning moments in life that make the peaceful reprieves so much more intensely peaceful. They become a gift because of the contrast, I think.
Beautiful post.
Coming out of 'lurkdom' to say I hear ya! Life does so often feel like it is spinning out of control lately. How great it would feel to be able to just stop and let it all out for a few minutes. I cling to those brief moments of silence in hopes of gaining control back.
So glad you are ok!
Love your new avatar picture.
this was a beautiful post. Since I have spent a lot of time spinning recently, I need this reminder to stop and breathe every once in a while.
Ugh, I'm sorry. And I know how you feel.
Hugs.
I so know how you feel. With life and with the spinning car. It can get scary.
This was so beautiful, friend. I love that you got to take a bit of time and have some escape from the spinning.
Cute little you in your photo!
Listen, that spinning feeling is so tough. The sense of no control and the worry that everything is going to go awfully wrong.
Just breathe, and know that someone else is helping you drive.
awww, i expected a post about riding a stationary bike… :-)
i remember when i was car spinning across the freeway. the thoughts that flash through your mind in those few seconds are quite amazing
here's to nice, restful peace in between spins
I absolutely loved this post b/c even though things are crazy in your life right now…..you still take times to savor the silence. AND, that scary freeway near miss left ME speechless. SO scary. Hope your home sells soon so you don't have to endure showings for long. Our house was on the market for 6 months before it sold so I completely understand the flurry to get it cleaned and out at a moments notice.
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