The thing about me is that I can be
very very ambivalent.
“am·biv·a·lent
adjective /amˈbivələnt/
Having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.”
Lately I think this is The Thing about me.
I want to write but I don’t want to write.
I want to have this baby but I’m scared to have this baby.
I want to keep us busy and productive but I want to do nothing.
I want to change the world but I don’t want to do anything.
I want to be more patient with my boys but I don’t care.
I want to be kinder to my husband but I don’t care.
I want to think but I just want to stop thinking.
I feel so connected and then a moment later I feel so disconnected.
I am trying to write this without too much hesitation and it’s freeing but then I hate that because it could be better if I weren’t just randomly thinking out loud. I will be fine if there’s very little response to this post but I will feel silly if there’s very little response to this post.
Ambivalence.
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If I got There, where I dream of going, could I hold the happiness? Could I keep it? Or would my ambivalence steal it away? Yeah, this is great…but I don’t really care…what’s next?
Underneath all of this angst-y thinking, I do have peace, strangely enough. It’s just that I’m realizing that my ambivalence is a defense. It’s protection. If I race from one end of the spectrum to the other, there’s no room for getting hurt, for failing, for imperfection. Because it’s paralyzing, ambivalence. And if I’m paralyzed, then I’m numb, protected.
Sure, maybe this is human nature, but I have a tendency to truly excel at it.
How do I really feel? I’m learning feelings. And so I’m glad but I’m also mad that it takes me so long.
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I hope the words in bold are who I am more than the other words. I hope. Because of course I love being a mom and I especially love my family and of course I want this baby and of course I want to change the world for the better while I’m in it. It just seems all of that is at the core of who I am while the other parts like to try to cover me up and color my daily grind. They make more appearances and spend more time in how I live and I hate that.
I want to share this but I don’t want to hit publish.
I love honesty but it scares me and so I love to hide, too. I was and am honest about alcoholism and I wonder how long I will trudge this recovery road with all of its “isms” on road signs that keep me discovering more parts of myself to work on. Always. I feel pretty ambivalent about that.
I am so grateful to be sober but so many days I just don’t feel much of anything.
I want to help people like me find their way to this journey but I don’t feel worthy of being the one to point the way.
Bloggers can shine a light on whatever side of life they want to share. I call this space The Extraordinary Ordinary and I see that even the title I chose is ambivalent. I am so extraordinary and I am so ordinary, like we all are. I put pictures and words of love here and I mean it from my core and yet my daily grind is covered in grumbling about the sticky stuff on the floor and indifferent kinds of feelings and waffling back and forth between peaceful and angry.
This is exhausting. The constant opposite clashing emotions that leave a person landing somewhere in the middle instead of where they want to be…where I want to be.
I saw it more clearly, just yesterday. This ambivalence in me. The way it has shaped my life, my choices, my faith, my everything. I want to feel passionate about so many things and really mean it; really stick to it. I can’t and I haven’t and I’ll be working on it, now that I know. I don’t think that I would know without the recovery road with its signs. Or maybe I knew, but I hadn’t really seen. And I don’t think that I could keep trudging without The Extraordinarys–the blue of their eyes or the lilt in their voices, the humor and light that they bring with a bounce through the room.
They keep me wanting to be a better person and I want to be a better person.
They show me what is at my core, thank God. And then they show me what covers up my core, thank God. I walk this road with them and I’m so grateful for the road and them.
{ 21 comments }
I know, for me, it has been hard to be in a calm place after so much drama. I find myself sticking to ambivalence as well. I want to strive to do better, to be better, and yet, at the same time, I want to be in this limbo. I understand completely when you say you find peace amongst ambivalence.
Sarah recently posted..Just Another Weekend
I’m with you, especially on the first list. I don’t know if it’s third-semester pregnancy related (I’m about 29 weeks) or the weather or age or what. I want to move ahead with life, and yet I want to stay where I am. Too much change can be overwhelming and it causes me to just shut down.
Allison @ Alli ‘n Son recently posted..virtual coffee
You know I totally understand this. One thing I’m not ambivalent about is how much I get how you feel. I find myself in a ‘flat’ space more often than not these days. Somehow, the spark, the passion, the fuel, the what-ever-it-is, always circles back around, so I’m patiently waiting.
I’m so ambivalent about waiting.
-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..From the Ashes
I get the paralyzed part, the ambivalence, all of it. Often my imagination far outstrips the energy I have to drag myself out of that paralysis. And the learning feelings part? Me too, over and over again.
Sharone @ Zizzivivizz recently posted..in which I do my best southern accent which is still not very good
I read these words….and I have nothing to add. They are just right.
I SO get the ambivalence. I have been fighting that for a while now. Some days are better than others, as in all things.
Tracie recently posted..Seven Minute Calls
You and I both know that we’re not here for our own selfish purposes, we’re here to serve our Higher Powers. Trusting that He will guide us has to be enough. In those days when I’m ambiviant I accept it, am aware of it and move on.
I think the words in bold are who you are, you just aren’t perfect so you can’t always be bold.
It’s true. And I admit perfectionism is an issue of mine. BUH. :)
” my ambivalence is a defense. It’s protection. If I race from one end of the spectrum to the other, there’s no room for getting hurt, for failing, for imperfection. Because it’s paralyzing, ambivalence. And if I’m paralyzed, then I’m numb, protected.”
You have no idea how much you have hit the nail on the head for me. Exactly! Only for me, it’s if I’m ambivalent, then I don’t have to think about cancer coming back or how tired I am or that pain in my side that just. won’t. go. away. and what if it’s a recurrence? So I retreat.
But like you… I long to be the woman in bold. But I think what it is is that we are both. The bold and the not-bold words. And that’s okay. It’s what do I choose? Choosing joy this day and hopefully every day. Because I must. To survive. And God gives it. Because He is my survival.
This post is beautiful. I love you and your heart.
Angie recently posted..Carrying the Grief
We really are always both, aren’t we? Both what we strive to be and…well, human. And that’s okay, I really believe that. We just can’t be perfect, of course. I write it out here because it’s how I’m feeling and what I’m realizing…and I’m so glad to be recognizing layers of things that have always just been this way, about me. When I write it out and think it through, I start to see the WHY and then it takes the power from it. And it gives me hope that knowing will help me stop living out the same defeating mistakes. That’s such a relief. (Now I’ll try not to be ambivalent about it. Ha!)
I call my ambivalence the fat kid in the door, sometimes I just let him stand there other times I shove him to the side.
Not to be all “OOH I KNOW IT ALL.” But I felt so much the way you did over the last several months and now that I have this little person filling my arms? My heart feels so amazingly full that there is no room for that fat kid.
And I think we’re pretty similar so I feel safe saying this.
You are wonderful.
moosh in indy. recently posted..the one about my heart nearly exploding
All I can think while reading this is that we (meaning us moms) are kind of in an “ambivilant” time in our lives because we have so much thrown at us every day as Mother’s and wives and well, just busy humans. You know? I was just nodding my head as you were going through your list at the top there. Nodding and nodding.
Elaine recently posted..Walking Together
Oh I SO get the ambivalence thing. For me, I feel pulled in so many directions – that I end up getting stuck going no where. Also, any spark I feel in one direction – is often immediately squashed by the (constant, endless, and often griding) daily to-do tasks of living with two small children.
So, for what it’s worth – I just try to be present when the really connected moments strike and I try just to ride it out when the ambivalence stikes – wait to feel pulled in a way that is real instead of an irritating obligation.
I think you are all those things in bold – they’re not easy things to be – so you have to struggle against their opposites and that (in the words of my beloved Pema Chodron) “Is an excellent use of the rest of your life.”
melissa recently posted..Quickie
I definitely feel like this post is speaking my language. I want so much to be passionate, and brave, and productive, but there’s a deep vein inner sloth and uncertainty that prevents me from doing those things. So often I look at my choices and feel overwhelmed and then just want to zone/check out.
It may not mean much, but I can tell you that *I* think you are quite extraordinary. And brave.
Thank you, friends. For taking the time to respond. As the post said, I was a little nervous…or um, ambivalent about posting this. Mostly because I know ambivalence is sort of…wide open. It can mean so many things about so many things because of what it means, I guess.
I do think my ambivlance grew with the pace of life as a mom, etc….but I also recognize that it’s always been there. I was ambivalent about boyfriends, college, jobs, etc etc…Now I’m just finally really seeing it even if I always knew it was there. I really am grateful for that.
I think some of it should just be accepted. So to those of you who said you totally get it and feel it too, let’s not forget to be a little patient with ourselves, huh? I mean, you know, if we can. I’m sure we’ll waffle back and forth, from being patient to being totally fed up with us…but growth is slow and change will come. I believe it.
Thank you again,
Heather
Oh yes. This post resonates within me. Thank you for writing it (and for posting it, even though you were a little scared to.)
Erin recently posted..Incongruence
I totally get the ambivalence thing. For some reason, it helps me to look at it from the perspective of the Zen “yin and yang” of life. Without one, the other could not exist. Love/Hate, Joy/Sorrow, Good/Bad, etc…
It’s part of the balancing act of life.
Jody recently posted..seedlings
I think it’s a big step toward the bold words to recognize this in the first place. To be brave and type it out, then publish. To share your words which WILL touch others. Which others feel too. We can’t all be all good things all the time. But even knowing that? We can still strive toward more bold words. :)
I think I just got a slap in the face. I was led to your blog via a post on Everything Mom about motherhood and alcoholism. I have read so many blogs about this topic. Yours hit me hard. Very, very hard. I am sure, even harder in the morning when I wake up with my usual headche and regret….I am not sure what to even think right now – as I have been stunned with truth slapped in my face. Your story is soo soo soo mine right now. My daughter is almost 2 and I keep telling myself that I will stop when she is 2 – cuz that is when she will start to notice. I just dont know. I am scared and feel helpless and angry.
Wow…..your honest words….your honest words….now there is nothing ambivalent about them….I can not begin to tell you how much your blog has helped me….I am so struck by your words and by all of the comments that people have left…. and for Jen who left a comment just before mine…..please know you are not alone……I stopped drinking 23 months ago…..I am in recovery too…..I know it is so scary….but the moments you will recover with your precious 2 year old…..each of them will be a miracle to hold to….I promise…I did not think I could do it….I was terrified…..Blogs like Heather helped me to know that I was not alone…So thank you Heather for sharing your gift of your writing and sharing your journey with others like me….
cheairs recently posted..Seizure
This post really, really speaks to me. As always: thank you.
~j. recently posted..On the street where you live
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